Yes! Finally a question I can answer!
First allow me to establish my credentials: I’ve been drunk since 1985, more or less.
Second, let me qualify what I’m going to tell you. As you can likely guess, I’m a flat-out alcoholic. I know people of my ilk are only supposed to admit this once they start going to meetings, but reading the Straight Dope for a few years tends to make one honest about one’s self. And I’m not a doctor, so all I intend to tell you is how to survive the week. Our friends like Qadgop and others are encouraged to snipe at my advice for any long term effects.
Third, and I’m saying this in all seriousness, as an apparent non-drinker, the chances are you’re going to find the experience somewhat unpleasant if you’re not careful. This is why I am advising you.
Okay, now for the good part. Staying buzzed for a week without drowning in your own vomit is a hard thing to do. It requires commitment, iron discipline, and perseverence.
The first thing you’re gonna want to do when you get there is dive straight into that margarita. Don’t do it. Get your shit together first, and then get to vacating. The first day of the vacation is the day that you lay down the safety network you’re gonna need down the line; it’s a day of work, not rest, and although it’s a helluva lot easier than your day job, it’s still a job.
From the moment you walk into your resort or hotel you need to establish personal contact with key people who will help you down the line: someone is going to be “managing” your vacation; get close to that person right away by chiming in at the “any questions?” part of that person’s speech with the question a White House reporter would say, “damn, that’s good” about. If you’re shy, just move as close as you can to that person before the tutorial begins. The people at the information desk are important, too. Be charming and polite. Toss a little money around to your caretakers that first day if tipping is permitted, and seal the deal with the statement, “I’m not gonna forget you at the end of the week.”
If you’ve found that you’ve had violence or obnoxiousness issues in your poorly charted drunken past, I suggest you make a point to chat up the security guard as an equal before you’re wrecked; that guy is working for you, so you can intimidate him a little simply by engaging in affable conversation. The guy’s not going to put you in jail; he’s going to put you to bed when you fuck up. Make sure he doesn’t want to liberate you of your wallet when he does.
And of course, your most important ally in your mission, the very patron saint of your cause, is the bartender and his holy minions. These peoples’ loyalty is indispensable. Charm, interest, appreciation, and above all money is required to keep you in the forefront of your mind for the best of reasons. (Oddly enough, if you engage in these practices, I’ve found that you’re also likely to attract women, upon whom you can use the same tactics to establish a reliable–but fleeting–set of fringe benefits.)
Remember everyone’s names, if you can. If not, try to remember the more interesting things they said to you, and use them in later conversation. Say “thank you” for the information they’ve given you the next time you see them.
That’s the hardest thing to do. After that, it’s all downhill. Ahem.
Don’t get wasted the first night; avoid confrontations. Make a point of moving far away from the Welsh rugby team members when they try to drown out the New Zealand rugby team’s fight song with their own. These are the people your handlers are trying to identify right off the bat. Do yourself a favor and save any hijinks you have in store for them until later in the week.
If you’re an American, chances are YOU’RE TALKING TOO LOUD! We’re a loud people from loud places, and we stand out even if you have trouble talking into the mike on the “What Do You Know?” show. We get louder when we’re drunk. That’s why the rest of the world thinks we’re a bunch of idiots, I am convinced; we let everyone hear our most drunken, incoherent utterances.
And that’s the key to establishing your drunken vacation experience: walk in like Cary Grant and get carted out like Sam Kinnison. Do the opposite and you’ll be… well, I don’t really know what they do with those people, but just like Survivor, some of 'em just don’t show up the next day.
Now on to maintaining a good buzz. First things first, and I’m sure you know this but it needs to be said anyway because some people don’t: if you’re in Mexico and several other places, even at a Club Med, ice is your enemy. Ice is water, and if the water is bad, you’re still drinking bad water. If they’re sending in ice made from good water, they’re likely to run out. If you want to stick to the 'ritas, well, you have to use your previously established connections to discern what day and what time you have to switch to tequila sunrises, or whatever.
Next you have to quickly discern your habits and the habits of your caretakers. If you’ve plied them with your charms, chances are you’re gonna get the real thing when it comes to drinks, and those drinks are going to ruin your mildly buzzed plan if you fail to treat them as the glorious dynamite which they are. If, on the other hand, they are measuring their drinks or watering them down, you must be persistent and wave your assistant down at every opportunity for a refresh. Again, if you have established your sterling reputation, you will be the first and most often served.
Finally, I’ve found the formula which was spit out to you by your gym teacher when he was muddling through that alcohol awareness class you took in high school is remarkably good. Once you’ve hit your stride, one drink an hour does fine by me. Your results will vary, which is why you must pay careful attention.
This is another fine reason to stay away from ice. Your iced drink is gonna be toast in fifteen minutes in direct sunlight, while all those little microbes revive and get themselves good and ready to ravage your intestinal tract. You’re going to subconsciously try to finish that drink before it melts. And you’re going to be a comatose lobster with an open fireplug for a butthole by day two of your vacation if you continue that line of thought. Don’t do that.
Instead, ask for the closest thing you can get to a high-test (to kill the bugs), little-or no water drink and a bucket of ice. Be sure to mention that you’re a slow drinker, so you want to keep it cold, to avoid offending your friend’s nation. Place your drink in the ice bath. Crushed ice in nice weather and in your lap will last you fifteen minutes; a bucket of ice will last you hours, and it won’t be much of a pain in the ass for your server so long as they’re not calling in an emergency delivery of frozen sewage.
The best option is obviously beer, but this works only for beer drinkers.
And now for the pain. By day three, you’re gonna wake up and feel like shit if you’re not careful. I think that the doctors will agree with me that ibuprofen and acetaminophen are both unacceptable palliatives when attempting to stay drunk. Aspirin alone appears to be a fair-weather friend, although when I take aspirin I either think or I actually do realize far greater returns from my alcohol intake than otherwise. That might be for you, but you should carefully monitor the intake and results when you do it.
(Oh, and since you mention it, be careful with the reefer. I find that the combination of both can cause serious impairments of judgment, which in turn can lead to excessive and unecessary pain. When you have the choice, pick one and stick with it for the duration of that evening. You’ll thank yourself for it the next day, especially if you stick with the less liquid alternative, eh?)
Take aspirin if you must, but even better, take more booze! Mimosas are an excellent breakfast accompaniment. Soon you will begin to forget that you’re suffering.
I don’t know exactly why, but massive amounts of grease and protein seems to fit the bill nicely as a food additive to your alcoholic diet. Beef and well-cooked pork are the only drunk-meats for me (except for that excellent venison I had on that extended drunk–I mean vacation–I had in New Zealand).
But dehydration, especially in a place where you’re sweating and you can’t trust the water, is a serious problem. I’m gonna ask a doctor to confirm this next statement, because it’s bound to be controversial: moderate your moderate drinking by frequently interspersing your heavy-load drinks with beer if you don’t trust other alternatives. Why? Beer is a diuretic, as any hung-over frat-boy can tell you, but only if you stop drinking it. And beer is relatively sanitary, as five hundred generations of monks and much of Western Europe will tell you–that’s why they drank it. You’re not going to piss out more water than you take in if you’re drinking something that’s only 5% alcohol, tops. You’re going to fall over, piss your pants, and stop drinking beer, or die, and that’s what dehydrates you–death in particular.
If you’re in a place where you trust the water–and you have to really trust it–then you’re jake. Have a water with every drink. You’re full? Well stop drinking, fool!
Keep in mind that booze is kind of like a paging service: you take the sip, the booze gets processed (or more accurately, doesn’t get processed), and only then do you get the call, minutes later. Drink when you want to increase the buzz. Stop doing this when you’re already drunk, unless you have something non-alcoholic before you; you’ve already won, and there’re plenty of good reasons not to run up the score. Drunks are thirsty because the dehydration is sending signals to them that they need to drink more water, not alcohol; do yourself a favor and recognize your thirst as a thirst for something other than booze–as Cecil indirectly implied this week on another subject, sports drinks appear to be better than water alone. But maintain the buzz through dilligence and an accurate accounting of time and your now-known ingestion time and tolerance.
And if you’ve yet to notice, Boyo Jim, I’m trying to steer you in the direction of those things which come from a bottle or a tap rather than from a spigot. That’s because I’ve heard a lot of personal accounts of disasterous, diahrreal vacation experiences which will only serve to deepen your depression and leave you with less than an excellent experience. I myself have never had such an experience, because I’m a professional drunk, especially on vacation.
I think most if not all decent Fish oil is free of mercury.