Can someone here explain this rotten behavior to me?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Okay, I was at the donut shop an hour or so ago, having a danish. Mmmmmm… danish…

Just as I was finishing, two older women walk in. Well, they didn’t quite walk*** in --*** they stopped just inside the doorway, and stared at me. (I was the only person in there. It’s a tiny place.)

After almost 30 seconds of silence, the donut lady says, "Can I help you?"

First woman (still standing in the same spot) says to the second, "Uhhh … what kinda donut you want?"

Second woman looks straight at me and says, **“Oh … I lost my appetite.”
**
I know all the reasonable, mentally-healthy stuff you’re supposed to tell yourself in these situations; but still, it made me feel pretty bad inside. Not so much that I put much stock in some random, mean-ass person’s opinion of me, but just that somebody would be so hateful to me out of a clear blue sky.

Does anybody happen to know what goes through a person’s head when they say something like that? Is there a thought process? A series of emotional triggers? Is there, do you think, some kind of linear thought process first? Like,

She looks like a fool. –> I must tell her.

or,

*There goes a victim. ** --> ** Watch me mode her ass! *

or even,

That person is not like us. ** -->* She must be punished.*

Is it an actual pleasurable sensation to do things like that? Like, when someone passes by in a beautiful dress and I say, “That’s a beautiful dress,” and they light up with a smile, that makes me feel good. I guess it’s an endorphin thing, or maybe oxytocin – a pleasant endocrine response to human interaction.

I don’t mean to make a huge deal about a small crappy thing, but I’m really curious. What kind of physical or emotional payoff is in it for them?

2

I think this is a form of bullying.

3

It could easily be a coincidence, having nothing at all to do with you.

4

Can I ask if you had any indication as to why they said this?

I don’t ask to find any ersatz justification, but I think people have different motivations for this kind of behavior.

If you choose not to answer, I understand, in many ways it’s beside the point. Still, there are different reasons behind this type of behavior—ranging from ignorance to, well, different kinds of ignorance.

I am sorry that you had to experience this event. I have no knowledge of you, but I hope that you find some way to dispel that bad feeling inside, either through this thread or elsewhere.

5
  1. ignore - might not be about you
  2. Look up with a bright cheery smile and say “Oh that’s too bad, these are so good! Get some for later, I’m going to!” And go back to enjoying yourself knowing that their sourness will devour them one day, and they’ll end up shriveled and miserable.
6

The motivation is to be an asshole. I don’t know why, but some people find that enjoyable. You, on the other hand, got a Danish, and most of us find that much more enjoyable.

7

The one who spoke may be trying to bond with the other… “we are superior because we are not like her–in fact, we are so unlike her, even the mere sight of her sickens us.” She was attempting to delineate a separation.
Perhaps your race, your size, your taste in clothing, or any other innocuous feature of your person triggered her own insecurities, so she lashed out. Perhaps you were enjoying your Danish too obviously and she couldn’t handle the fact that you weren’t disinterestedly picking at it. Regardless of her “reasons,” she is clearly a broken person.
My mother referred to these folks as Purple Cows, from the poem by Gellett Burgess:

“I never saw a purple cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.”

These losers are stuck being their nasty selves every minute of every day, while you had only the misfortune of a brief glimpse. Keep enjoying your Danishes, screw these jerks.

8

Are you away from social or ethnic norms for your area? Is there anything about your appearance (including race and dress) that might tag you as a threat to someone prejudiced that way?

Was the donut place clean? Did it smell pleasant? I know I’ve walked into food shops and for some reason along those lines ended up walking back out.

Or maybe they were just a coupla assholes. It is hard to tell without more context.

9

Some people are just mean and nasty SOBs. They feel bad about themselves so they have to try make other people feel bad too.

As one friend used to say, they are a waste of human protoplasm.

10

Did you happen to be holding a bloody axe or something? I can see how that might make me wish to dine elsewhere.

11

#2 is great!

12

That’s really weird, and very rude, if they were indicating that you were the reason that they didn’t want to eat there (which it sounds like, if she was looking right at you when she said it). I can’t imagine being that rude to a stranger for no good reason, but there are all kinds of assholes in this world.

13

Yeah, I can see brujaja sitting there in full Nazi regalia wondering why the hell people are looking down their noses at her all day. People are soooo judgmental! Lol.

14

Ha ha, l’esprit d’escalier tells me I should have said, “That’s probably a good thing – you look like you really don’t need a donut anyway.” (They were both quite heavyset.)

It may well have been a bullshit racial thing; I do encounter that here sometimes. --But usually from, yannow,*** kids.*** These women were probably in their sixties.

15

Personally, I liked #1, but—more to the point—the problem with this idea is that many people (sociopaths…) do not respond to their own behavior the way others might expect.

There isn’t a good reason to wish ill on those who wish ill on you. I mean, how is that different than what you are complaining of?

Disregard them? Sure. Recognize their ignorance? Sure.

Assume that they will somehow suffer for such personality traits as discomfit you or your biases… good luck with that.

16

you’ve really got to stop letting strangers have such power over you. like auditioning for a show, some people are always cast as villains while others as heroes. that doesn’t mean those typecast as villains actually are. it has nothing to do with you as a person, though if it really bothers you all that much you should speak to your agent about the rolls you are getting and try to play against type instead.

17

I assume that “having a danish” means that brujaja was in the process of chopping up and devouring a person from Denmark.

18

Wouldn’t that be “having a Dane”? But then the follow-up question would have to be, “Was it great?”

19

Don’t make us have to escort you out of the thread. :smiley:

20

Hmmm. It’s a little early for them to be losing executive function, but that could be their problem. As my ex in-laws got older and older, they’d make more and more judgemental comments about people that they saw. And they were also getting more hard of hearing, so over time they got louder and louder.

Fortunately, they were exes by then, so I only heard about it, I didn’t have to deal with it. Sorry you had to deal with whatever this was.