Leave her alone. In due time you might be able to say “My girl, The President”
Good looking, self absorbed, ego-centric. Sounds like JFK to me.
Stop comparing them right now.
I have a twin sister. All throughout our growing up, I was the “bad” one. I was the one who always grimaced in class pictures. I was always the “difficult” one, the one who couldn’t seem to get things right the first gazillion times, the one who cried over small things, the one most likely to get yelled at for unintentional acts of stupidity. The one who was goofy and emotionally unstable and uncool. When we were introduced to people, their eyes would naturally gravitate to my taller, more “put together”, more confident sister. I was the one everyone assumed was way younger, being the stumpier and less mature-looking of the two. It hurts tremendously to be compared all the time. So just stop it.
You know how all the experts say that everyone grows at their own rate? Would you insist that the younger sibling be as tall as her brother? Have the same motor skills and the same academic prowess? Of course not. So why would you think they should be on the same level when it comes to morality? So what, your son was born a saint. Not all children are. Most aren’t. You probably weren’t. If you continue pointing him out as the goody-two-shoes, your daughter is going to feel like you think she’s the “baddy-one-shoe” when really she’s just a normal 5-year-old kid.
I say next year, give them a choice about how they would like to give to charity. Come up with several options. Maybe your daughter is more willing to part with allowance money than she is with her toys. Or maybe she’d be more willing to buy a toy and give that away. Maybe if you’d given them a choice, the results would have turned out totally different and you’d be posting about that ungrateful son of yours.
I’m clearly putting a different angle on the descriptions of the 2 kids in the OP than most people in this thread are.
To me, it’s this:
that strikes me as a problem that needs to be confronted right now, hence my emphasis on consequences and punishment in my first response.
I’m inclined to be much less concerned about her lack of compassion - she’s only 5; she’s probably just a later developer in that area than your son is.
I’m raising boy/girl twins who’ll be five in February and I think Monstro is on the money.
They’re different. Work with each of them to develop their humanity.
I also think that expecting altruism of children is asking a bit much. Next time she displays altruism on her own, spontaneously, praise it. And continue to model altruistic behaviors.
My daughter also tells lies, very transparently. It’s not acceptable behavior, but I don’t think it’s evidence of some horrible character flaw - she’s trying to survive in her family unit.
Give consequences for bad behavior, sure, but also help her find constructive ways of meeting her needs.
She might not grow up to be as charitable as you and your wife are, but that won’t make her a rotten person - there are degrees of giving. Not every adult is thoroughly altruistic and that doesn’t make them all bad.
bluecanary, eating all the Santa chocolates and lying about it sounds exactly like typical five-year-old behavior. My problem isn’t that the OP is troubled by this behavior. It’s that he thinks that it’s abnormal simply because the other child doesn’t do it.
He’s going to give the younger child a complex if he continues to define normal as what big brother does.
You may have missed this: “Thank you for the responses. I’ve got my answer and I’m confident that this is something she’ll outgrow.”
FWIW I can’t believe how much misunderstanding is in this thread. I’m sure it’s my fault for not clearly articulating the situation. Lesson learned.
Now please excuse me so I can go criticize and demoralize my daughter while praising her saintly brother right in front of her just to rub it in. Then I have to go take away all her favorite toys and give them to the poor. Busy day ahead.
I did notice that. But the worry expressed in the last paragraph of the OP is kind of hard to ignore.
Hmm, then you must have missed this: "Wow- many of you jumped to some erroneous conclusions so my characterization of the situation must have been very misleading. " and this: "I can’t believe how much misunderstanding is in this thread. I’m sure it’s my fault for not clearly articulating the situation.
I think you and many others got the complete wrong impression. I actually lol at some of the replies that were so thoroughly off base, but I take full responsibility for not describing the situation adequately. When I went back and reread, I did sound like Mommy dearest. Probably best for a lousy writer like me to not ask for advice on a board like this. My mistake (though I don’t regret it because I did get some valuable insight from some perceptive posters).
Listen, I’m just telling you why I responded the way I did. If you feel that we’ve mischaracterized you, fine. I’ve been misunderstood n the past. But the words in the OP aren’t obtusely written, IMHO. You’re either worried for your daughter’s future or you’re not. If you’re not, then ignore everything I’ve said. If you are, then I think you’re overreacting. But of course worrying comes naturally to parents, so who am I to judge?
I don’t think you’re a bad parent, and I don’t think anyone else in this thread does either.
Current paradigms around caring for children basically advise that children do well when they can, given that we are all born with different hardwiring topped off by different experiences. It is the very rare child indeed who does not want to be “good.” And children who consistently make what seem to be poor choices have usually also heard a bazillion times, even by five, all about what is right and what is wrong. They simply cannot force themselves to make the right choices all of the time. It is enormously frustrating for them, too.
I can’t say what went on in your daughter when she ate the chocolate Santa. However, I can say that leaving out a chocolate Santa with the expectation that she will have the impulse control to not eat it (and not lie about it subsequently – which any moderately clever child with poor impulse control will do to in an attempt to avoid punishment) is simply too much expectation for her. While it was an entirely manageable expectation for your son, it is too much temptation for her. Part of parenting is assisting your child with life management based on their individual tendencies, so don’t leave chocolate lying around.
Posters who have suggested you capitalize on her empathy towards animals are definitely taking the right tack. Don’t insist she build on a strength she doesn’t have – acknowledge the ones that she does have, just as you acknowledge the ones that her brother has. There is nothing wrong with her drawing esteem from being gifted with well-balanced features, by the way, any more than there is anything wrong with her brother drawing esteem for being gifted with good impulse control. You relate better to the type of person your son is. You need to relate to your daughter for who she is as well, in order that she can feel your love for her.
Now that I know this is just a normal kid thing I have to say that my girl is perfect. And I have no problem emphasizing her other positive attributes because she has lots of them. She is hilariously witty and quick and literally lights up a room and makes everyone smile. I realize I am her mom and am biased but everyone says she has charisma. It’s reallly hard to describe. She is also now taking ballet, tap and piano. I never took those as a kid, but she saw some signs in her preschool and wanted to sign up…and her teachers say she has real talent. She’s obsessed with dancing.
But further reinforcement was a milestone today: All of the sudden she cares about recycling “because if we don’t it will hurt the earth and make her sad”. This tells me that her sphere of empathy is expanding as this is something she’s never cared about before.
As for forcing my kids to donate 5 toys before each Christmas to give to disadvantaged kids…I’ve got no intention of stopping that practice. My parents made my sibs and me give 5 toys away before each Christmas AND each birthday. Some complained, others didn’t but no one is scarred. My dad spent WW2 in an interment camp and his family could only bring what they could carry, which had to include clothing, bedding, towels, kitchenware, etc for the the whole family. IOW they didn’t have room for toys, so the only toys he got at CHristmas were the ones donated by local families. He’s described many times how playing with a particular toy brought so much brightness into his bleak world. So I don’t think it’s too much to ask my kids to donate 5 toys they don’t use any more to someone who could really use them. Others will disagree I’m sure, but to each his own.
Maybe that’s not too much, but IMO it IS too much to expect small children to do this cheerfully and with zero complaint. I think you were way too hard on your daughter for her reaction to this. Again, IMO.
I think this would be more meaningful if you yourself chose several things that you don’t use anymore but that are nice things that you once cared about, and gave those away. Perhaps you do this and just didn’t bother saying so in the thread; if so, that’s great. And actually, on giving this some more thought, five toys seems like a lot to me; maybe an alternate tactic would be to simply buy your children fewer toys and use the extra money to buy toys for needy children, through, say, your local children’s services department. Actually, now that I think about it, apart from places like Goodwill that resell the donated items, I don’t even know any charitable organizations that take used toys for kids. Most request that toys be purchased new. Did you really give away ten toys every single year of your childhood? I didn’t grow up destitute or anything, but I would have had barely any toys left if I had done this as a kid.
Anyway, glad to hear you’ve regained confidence in your child.
I absolutely do this and a lot more that I wont get into. I would never ask my kids to do something that I wasn’t doing X 10.
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The goodwill and the salvation army are the two national organizations that come to mind-sometimes they sell them, but at a discounted rate that the purchaser may not otherwise be able to afford. But I contribute them to a local charity. Here in southern cal there are lots of children’s charities that take “recycled” or “gently used” toys that they give (not sell) to children. Also we live in southern California which has tremendous affluence and materialism and also tremendous poverty. My kids have lots of toys as the result of being the only grandchildren on one side of the family. They can certainly share the ones they don’t use with someone who has less. I know many disagree, but so be it. Everyone has an opinion.
Sure did. Didn’t bother me one bit since it was strongly emphasized that I was about to get a lot more gifts and since I had outgrown these ones, I should give them to a little kid whose day they might brighten. This probably had more impact on me because my dad was a direct recipient of such things and I knew how much it impacted him.
Then share the grandpa story with HER. Maybe you have. I hope she has a lot of toys, because 10 a year is a lot. I’d hate for her to have to give up her teddy bear so that some other child could have it. I’m all for reducing acquisitiveness in kids and all, but wow. I try to not have so much stuff come through the door in the first place, perhaps you do as well.
We’ve gone from she’s a con artist and on the make to she’s perfect. Common sense tells me she’s somewhere in between, as are ALL children, including St Brother (who may well be manipulating you with the goody goody act–Eddie Haskell, anyone?). She’ll be fine. Glad to see she’s got a passion–perhaps she’ll be happy to donate old leotards etc to poorer kids.
I read the bolded as leopards and thought, “Wow, that girl’s going to be really bad!”
Exactly. Yes, 5 year olds can and should be taught morals, values, empathy, etc. But they don’t necessarily really get it at that age, either. It doesn’t mean they won’t.
I sprayed some of my mom’s perfume all over me at about the same age.
I clearly remember very firmly proclaiming I had NOT done such a thing, despite the fact that I probably smelled like a funeral. I just didn’t want to get into trouble!
I realized much later that I’d have gotten into far less trouble if I hadn’t lied about it, but it was something that I had to learn over the course of time, not something I just understood.
Maybe go with her to the pet supply store to pick out some toys to donate to the local animal shelter? The animals at the shelters would love to have them.
Maybe she’s sentimental and gets more attached to her toys than some kids. I was like that. I would have hated to give away any of my toys as a child, because it would hurt their (the toys’) feelings. I don’t think I really started to grow out of that till I was a fair bit older than 5, either. I would have been quite willing to set aside part of my allowance to buy toys for an underprivileged child, but not willing to give them any of my toys that I loved. You may not think there’s much of a difference here, but there’s a huge one to a kid who does get emotionally attached to their toys. Does she cry if something bad happens to one of her toys?
Translation: Some of you told me what I wanted to hear, and others didn’t.
She does get sentimentally attached to her stuffed animals-and she has tons of them-but I’d never ask her to give those away. I think she’s just a collector of sorts because one of things she didn’t want to part with is a set of blocks she got as a gift several years ago that she didn’t like. They’ve been sitting in the bottom of the toy box for years and she’s never played with them- but still didn’t want to give them away. The amount of toys the kids have is embarrassing. I couldn’t even begin to count. One grandma is going senile and will give the kids multiple presents for each holiday, we think because she forgets she already got them something (a whole other story). She is also the only girl on both sides and tends to get showered in girl gifts. There is also a new tradition in our area for birthday parties where instead of a goody bag of little crap, they give the kids a toy like a webkinz (stuffed animal) and we are in that phase where we go to tons of birthday parties.
She’s never cried when anything bad happened to a toy, but I can imagine she would if something happened to one of her favorites. We did shop (with my money since she doesn’t get an allowance yet) for underprivileged kids but she wanted to keep those gifts. I am however very reassured by many of the posts here that this is just a normal phase for lots of kids.
This sounds exactly like something kid 2 would do :D. I never did stuff like that, but I think a big part of it was that I was raised in a religious household and had the fear of god put in me. We don’t have that tool in our agnostic house. She’s gotten into my makeup on several occasions and denies it until I have her look in the mirror.
If she feels bad about giving away older presents that she’s attached to (even if you don’t think the attachment is legit), would an acceptable alternative be to select a few of the new presents that they are showered with on each gift-giving occasion, and donate THOSE to charity instead? I don’t know if that would go over any better with her, but personally speaking, as a child I would have had an easier time going into Christmas knowing, “I’m going to get a skrillion new presents and I will pick a few to go to needy kids,” than knowing, “Next time I have a birthday/Christmas, I’m going to have to get rid of stuff that I like and will miss.”
I dunno. Just a thought.