Canada to examine pornography to make sure it is sufficiently Canadian

In My Humble Opinion
1

A National Post article claims Canada’s bureaucracy wants to make sure webporn is sufficiently Canadian. I am wondering what this involves. Here are my suggestions, but please add yours.

  • Pizza carried by delivery man will have to contain bacon, pepperoni, mushrooms or pineapple.

  • Background music must contain Canadian element such as noises from moose, loons or indigenous wildlife. Tunes with Canadian element (such as the theme song from the Definition game show or prominent artists) also acceptable.

  • TV repairman has to be licensed to major duopoly with prominently displayed logos.

  • Use of local foods such as maple syrup encouraged.

2

It gives “the Mounties always get their man” a whole new meaning.

3

How about Gordon Lightfoot or Anne Murray?

4

Ass smacks will be immediately followed by an apology.

5

  • More use of toque hats, flannel clothes and guys dressed as lumberjacks

  • All vehicles require snow tires

  • All films end in mandatory public service announcement or “Hinterland Who’s Who” educational segment.or Message from the Queen

  • More use of Newfoundland slang such as “Come ‘ere ‘til I tells ya”. Moaning must be in French.

6

  • Beds must be built by local Mennonite community

  • More use of Indigenous customs including sweet grass ceremonies and smoking peace pipes

  • Weather in background must reflect Canadian norms.

  • Bedsheets replaced by Canadian or provincial flags

  • Must include product placement of brand only available at Canadian Tire

  • Every video must include at least two “ehs”.

7

Perhaps all scenes should open with treaty recognition statements.

8

watch out for grizzly bears.

9
  • Sport venue lockerroom sex scenes must feature visible hockey sticks.
  • Public/outdoor sex scenes must have the CN Tower or the Chateau Frontenac or the Banff Springs Hotel or some other such landmark in the background.
10

Unless the overall theme is eh-nal.

11

Sex scenes must last as long as it takes to drive across Toronto on surface streets.

12

  • 1% of videos must involve a Zamboni. In these videos, equipment must be referred to as “the stick”. Red light area must involve hockey net.

  • Poster on wall must reflect Canadian artist, band, museum, the CBC or a prominent politician.

  • Must involve product display or use of word “Clamato”

  • Mandatory reference to “weak American beer”, canoes, curling, dulce or battle which featured Canadian soldiers

  • Condoms must be made of (environmentally sensitive facsimile of) sealskin

  • Federal and Provincial tax credits available for using prominent Canadian businesses, but must display recognition following film. “Brought to you by a grant from the Rogers Foundation. And viewers like you.”

13

All lingerie must have red & green suspenders.

Celine Dion must record a new soundtrack tune titled “My Hard-On Will Go On.”

14

The term “Beaver” in Porn will take on a whole new meaning.
And not a good one.
No.
Noooottt a good one.

15

After a facial ejaculation, the deliverer will say “sorey.”

16

Bondage scenes must use genuine Saskatchewan sealskin bindings (as approved by Super Dave).

17

With English subtitles, except in Quebec.

18

  • 1% of videos must use the phrase “Beavertail”, “sugar shack”, “wood Buffalo” or “woolly mammoth”.

  • Must contain reference to “Log Drivers”, “Black Flies”, “Vast Prairies” or “Paddle-By-The-Sea”.

  • Videos may not be reproduced without express written permission from the CBC or the National Hockey League.

19

Number one line in porn: “It’s snowing outside. Might as well stay indoors and fuck, eh?”

20

Sadly, I believe the National Film Board of Canada has long since lost its reputation for supporting exceptional, innovative animated films. Perhaps they could begin to restore their lost glory with some animated porn?