First, welcome to the Dope! Once you’re completely under our spell, you’ll have no need of. . .outsiders. Heheheh.
Okay, silliness over! You’ve gotten excellent advice, but I wanted to address this one little point that I quoted above. My hubby was married once before, it only lasted about a year (they were both very young). I am as different from his first wife as I could possibly be, without actually being a guy! Night and day! I’ve never met the woman, but I have all this on very good authority.
If Dave was unhappy in his relationship with Nancy (and if he wasn’t, he probably wouldn’t have accepted a date with you), it makes sense that he’d be looking for someone different, doesn’t it? I mean, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again, and expecting different results, right? So yeah, you’re different. I see this as a good thing. If I was just like my hubby’s first wife, I’d be worried that he was trying to duplicate what he had with her. No one needs that kind of pressure!
You say he’s done everything you’ve asked him, to heal the relationship. This tells me that maybe, just maybe, he’s a keeper. You cannot change your past behavior, and neither can he. But tomorrow, today’s behavior will be your past behavior. So stop this obsessing, today; that way, tomorrow can start being better.
Going to be honest, I haven’t read the rest of the responses. What I think (and I have no training or experience in such a situation) is that you feel guilty for what you have done to Nancy. That Dave has nothing to do with the situation. Its just you, Nancy and your guilt. I say contact her, say you are sorry, say you hope you can be forgiven but understand if you aren’t. Say what ever you want to her, but get the guilt of your chest so you and Dave can go on being happy in every other way.
Dave didn’t cheat on theMerchandise Dave cheated on Nancy. Admittedly, long distance relationships, especially for people that are just dating, are difficult. I don’t know how long he dated Nancy before he met you, but if he was in a commited relationship he obviously cared for her.
At any rate, dating sucks. This could be the one, or you could be another Nancy. Until he puts a ring on your finger, you have no idea. (I’m not suggesting pushing for the ring.) And with some guys, even then you don’t know.
It sounds like Nancy is in a slump right now. Her friends are taking desparate measures to draw Dave’s attention to her. Nancy still thinks about Dave. That is bad. Following her blog is a way for you to keep track of someone that is a threat to your relationship with Dave. You claim you aren’t threatened, but your behavior says otherwise.
Ironically, by visiting Nancy’s blog, you may be making her more of a threat. Do you share a computer with Dave? If you do, then your visits to Nancy’s blog are being stored in your history file. He could very easily accidentally press a buttton and end up at Nancy’s blog. Worse yet, if he is visiting Nancy’s blog, you wouldn’t know because you have also.
I think Nancy is biding her time, and waiting for her moment. Fortunately, the long distance thing does not work in her favor. She will eventually grow up and learn that boyfriends come and go. Those first few loves can be tough to let go of though.
I think I’ll have to go against the common wisdom here.
My feeling is that Nancy has something that you want. I would suggest finding out what that is and getting it.
I think there’s an unhealthy part to jealousy which is the self-loathing part, but I also think there’s a (somewhat) healthy side to jealousy in that it shows us things we desire.
Your constant searching of Nancy’s blog shows that you desire something she has. Only you know what that is. But I’ll throw out some WAGs (outlandish guesses) to help spur your thinking. Maybe you admire her boldness in communicating the indiscretion to you. Maybe you admire her passion about Dave. . . she sure sounds persistent. Maybe you admire the loyalty Dave showed to her in not revealing the situation. Maybe she has some personal traits that you think are good. Maybe you like her freedom. Maybe you think that Dave treated her better than he’s treating you. . . although from your OP, this is not self-evident.
One of the hard things in determining what the trait you desire is your lack of objectivity in the matter. So pretend all of this were happening to someone else. Can you imagine what that other person might think is good about Nancy? Once you figure out what it is, then it might take a brainstorming session as to how you can get more of that in your life. And the other big difficulty in being objective is that getting more of what you want may include rocking the boat with Dave in some way. It’s so hard to change anything knowing that you “won the competition” and you now have the prize. But it’s only a prize if you’re completely happy about it. The prize is really your contentment.
It’s may not be perfectly normal but it is at least common to wonder about the others who’ve loved your lover…think of the second Mrs. Dewinter, who thought she knew all about Rebecca and had it all wrong. Instead of obsessively checking her blog, you could be writing a novel.
(That’s what I always say–obsessed? Go write a novel about it!)
Better yet, write it serially, on your blog. Maybe she will link her blog to yours and you can be interactive.
I think this distinction is a mere technicality. Yes, he was in a relationship with Nancy before the OP and Dave got together, but over the course of 4 months, a relationship between Dave and OP developed. Ergo, he was simultaneously cheating on both Nancy with the OP, and the OP with Nancy. He was lying to each about the other, presumably. I might agree with you if the OP knew the entire time that she was playing the role of “the other woman” - but the dishonesty to both women makes the situation such that Dave cheated on both.
I think due to personal biases, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for distinguishing between different types of cheating, or “letting someone off on a technicality” - cheating is cheating no matter what colour you paint it IMO.
I don’t know that I would be upset that he didn’t tell you right away when you asked him out initially either…
Obviously, he was interested in you, and when you asked him out, his choices would be
1)say no, because he is unhappily in a relationship
2)say yes and keep quiet, to see how things go with the new hot chick
3)say yes, and tell you that he has a gf, which result in you turning around and never coming back…
He really has no option here except to omit the other part…and I can see how it would get increasingly difficult to come clean, especially if he thought that doing so would mean losing you.
Nancy is winning, right now. You actually won the important thing, don’t let her ruin your life.
I have a couple of friends who were serial daters for years. The only way they knew to break up with a girlfriend who got too clingy/pushy (in one case, the trigger was talk about curtains) was to hook up with Mz Next. One of them managed to break the cycle at one point; it was years before he dated again, and this one girl is now his wife. The other didn’t break it, but there was one girlfriend who never managed to push him away; like the previous one, happily married, with children.
It would have been comfier if he’d broken up with Nancy before hooking up with you, but it doesn’t always happen that way. The whole point of dating is that it’s a trial period.
That’s not a given. I was happy playing the Other Guy role before, and in the most recent example that’s played out over the last few weeks, I’m not ashamed to say that I might very well be dating the girl if she had been more upfront about her relationship status. She always downplayed the seriousness of the relationship and played up the long distance and the various other problems. And when he comes down for the weekend she says it’s for “family stuff”, which I now know actually means “wedding planning”. The dishonesty, not the fact that she’s getting serious with another guy, is the turn-off. I really feel led-on. She still seems interested, but she’s lost this date forever–not because she told me, but because she told me late in the game.
I think it’s totally normal to wonder what Nancy is all about. Maybe you were just trying to find out what drew him to her and you got hooked because there’s nothing there for you to find. It sounds like he was passing time with someone totally wrong for him and finally found someone completely right…you.
I am feeling a little guilty. A lot guilty, perhaps. I didn’t mean to help hurt Nancy. She’s a lot younger then Dave and I and he was her “first love.” I didn’t set out to win him. I don’t like games and point systems in these sort of situations.
I’m sure you Dopers are tired of hearing how awesome you are, but you’ve really been great. I appreciate all the varied responses and the different positions you’ve expressed. In just a day, you’ve really given me a lot of perspective and a way to put a rational spin on a situation I let get out of control.
I’m definitely subscribing when my guest membership is up.
I don’t think you let it get out of control, but I would agree that you let it go too far. You and Dave are done with Nancy, or you aren’t; leaving her blog alone indicates you’re done with her.
Good point, Cervaise. Would you feel better if you came clean to Dave about how much the Nancy thing was bugging you, Merchandise?
You can make your own choices. I don’t think that Dave’s “lie of omission” is the same level as planning a wedding behind your back. I’m sorry for your pain. Find another girl. Dave made all the plays I would have made.
I don’t understand how that is even reasonable to say. She is trying (or making her friends try) to make contact with Dave 20 months after he is gone. That is a sign of desperation. It makes sense since Dave was Nancy’s first love.
I wouldn’t rule out, Dave regaining some interest in her. It would help to know the stage of life everyone was in here. I’m guessing TheMerchant and Dave are about juniors or seniors in college. In which case, you two have a long way to go.
Christopher, that triggered something in my head. Nancy is younger than Dave and Merchandise - it sounds like she and her friend (or possibly only her friend) are playing high-school girl games here, and Merchandise has been playing along with them until now.
Oh, not that young. But clearly still young enough to be pulled into, as featherlou said, high school games. We’re both mid-twenties. Nancy’s a senior in college.
Cervaise, I’d love to be able to refute your comment-less post, but you bring up a good point. So I’ll settle for being embarrassed instead.
fetus, what does it take to make you take on the Other Guy role? Is it simply needing to have full knowledge of your situation?
I disagree that he had no other option. Honesty is always an option. He could have said something like, “Look, I’m on the tail end of a relationship that I’m planning to end. I really like you and hope you will be patient with me while I extricate myself from it. Then I would like to start a relationship with you, if you’re interested.” I know I’d be OK with that,whereas I would not be OK to find out my BF was doubling up on me and some other woman, even if he was transitioning over to me and away from her. If Dave had done that, maybe the OP wouldn’t be left feeling cheated on.
And that is the main problem. It’s acknowledged that Dave cheated on Nancy, but no one is talking about how Dave cheated on TheMerchandise. I think that’s why she’s feeling so awful and doesn’t quite know why. She has a right to be angry, though she doesn’t seem to think she does. Until her feelings are resolved, she probably won’t feel right about the relationship.
TheMerchandise, I do think you should talk to Dave about how you’re feeling about this. Try to be productive about it, but it’s not fair to you (or Dave, not that I’m all that concerned with his feelings) that you should be walking around with these feelings and not expressing them.
True, it was an option, but not an easy choice to make. It’s not fair to have a “backup” plan while TheMerchandise is making him her one-and-only, but in my experience people don’t play fair when it comes to dating that early in a relationship.
