Can't Get Over My Boyfriend's Mistake

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We live together. We are the happiest couple I know. Let’s call my boyfriend “Dave.”

With that said, here’s the source of my problem…

Last year, I found out that during the first four months of our relationship, I was “the other woman.” I found out in an awful way – an anonymous email from Dave’s girlfriend’s (Let’s call her “Nancy”) friend that linked to Nancy’s blog.

Nancy and Dave were in a long distance relationship while I was playing the other woman and her blog went on and on about how much she missed him and talked about their past together.

By the time I received this email and read the blog, Dave and Nancy had been broken up for many months. Dave had done the dumping. The email couldn’t only have been meant as a malicious act; a way to hurt me as much as Nancy must have been hurt.

Obviously, I was sad, livid, and jealous. But I also decided to forgive Dave. I told him if he had any more contact with Nancy at all, I would leave him. He didn’t. I told him that if he ever lied to me again, I would leave him. He hasn’t. He was ashamed and apologetic and he has done everything I’ve asked and more to mend our relationship.

On my part, I’ve actively tried to forgive Dave. I don’t bring Nancy up in arguments, just to get a “win.” I don’t snoop through his things, read his emails, or check his phone logs. I trust the things he tells me. I don’t worry that he’s out with other women when he’s not with me.

With all THAT said…

I cannot stop obsessing over Nancy. I read her blog daily. I constantly wonder what she’s doing, what she’s thinking about, and what she’s like.

I can’t stand this about myself. I can’t tell Dave, because I feel so ashamed. This isn’t about not trusting him, it’s about… I don’t actually know what this is about. I’m not worried about my relationship here, I’m worried about myself and my state of mind.

I’m new here. But I think this is a good community with a lot of smart, helpful members. I’d like to be a part of it. And right now, I’d really appreciate thoughts, advice, and some armchair psychology.

2

So did you know you were the “other woman” at the time or not?

I am wondering if you have a complex about whether or not Dave’s going to do the same thing to you that he did to Nancy. I know I would.

3

Welcome aboard!

Sounds like it’s soley your problem. First of all, stop reading Nancy’s blog. That’s about the worst thing you can do if you want to stop thinking about her. Also, while we all want to think of love as some perfect thing where two lonely hearts get together and live happily ever after. In reality, it’s far messier. Love is sometimes a competition. Be glad you won!

I’ve been the Dave before. I’ve been stuck in a relationship that I wasn’t happy in, and there was someone that I wanted much more. Ideally, I would have made a clean break before switching, but that wasn’t always the case.

4

Having been the Dave, I can assure you that this is not necessarily a valid worry. But that’s just me.

5

Stop it. Stop reading her blog. Stop thinking about her. She is not part of your life.
Don’t say you can’t stop, because we do what we want to do. Your internal dialog is your choice. Find a new one, a positive one and move on.
Dave has been faithful for two years. Nancy is no longer part of his life, and he is no longer part of her’s. She is little more than a random stranger.
Get rid of the link to her blog. Read the Dope instead.

Good Luck, and Be Strong.

6

When did he lie to you the first time?
Did you ever ask him if he was dating someone else? Or did you just assume he wasn’t?

7

I have it on good authority that all Daves cheat, and that you should try to make up.

8

Nancy isn’t the problem. Your boyfriend is. He has a credibility issue. If he cheats again, it probably won’t be with his last girlfriend. He’s the one you can’t trust, not her.

9

As others have said above - stop reading her blog. If you have it bookmarked - remove it. You are making her part of your life when she isn’t. You know you are only hurting yourself by continuing to let her be part of your world.

10

My first thought was “he cheated on her in the past, he’ll cheat on you in the future.”
But from what little you describe, I’m not sure that is the case. You say their relationship was a “long distance” one for the 1st 4 months of yours. It doesn’t say to me that he was actually dating the two of you at the same time, hopping out of one bed and into the other. From what you describe it sounds pretty reasonable that as his old relationship was cooling off, your new one started heating up.
picu’s right - lose her blog and stick with the Dope.

11

Zipper, I did not know at the time. I’m not worried that he’s going to repeat his actions. Or rather, I realize that if he does, it has nothing to do with me. I’m an awesome girlfriend :). His fidelity is something I’m just counting on, because worrying about it all the time would just lead to a toxic situation.

Bear_Nemo, I asked him out initially. When he said yes, I assumed that meant he was girlfriend-free. I consider lies-of-omission lies.

picunurse, I think you wrote exactly what I needed to hear. I think I got trapped in a situation where I was hurting myself. I couldn’t give myself this good advice.

Diogenes, if he screws up again, I’m gone. But when this came out initially, I decided that I wanted to forgive him and continue with our relationship. Withholding my trust would just keep that from happening.

Tomorrow, I am taking Nancy’s blog out of my normal morning internet routine. And the next day, and the next. Eventually, I hope it won’t even occur to me that it’s something I’d need to read.

Frankly, the responses so far have filled me with intense relief. Honestly, I was expecting pitchforks and fire, for being a little bit psycho in this situation. Thank you so much.

12

Welcome to the Dope, TheMerchandise. First, I think what you’re feeling is completely normal for your situation. You found out that some very fundamental things weren’t as you thought they were, and you probably re-evaluated your entire relationship after you found out.

I don’t think that you have to specifically ask someone if they are dating someone else or not; if you are in a relationship that is progressing normally (dates to sleeping together to spending weekends at each other’s place to spending weeks together to moving in together, etc.), someone who is not playing by the normal rules of exclusivity has the onus on THEM to let it be known right from the start that things are different than you could logically expect. You don’t expect someone who asks you out to already be in a relationship; asking out and dating is for singles.

A really good book that might help you get past this is NOT “Just Friends” by Shirly P. Glass, PhD. Your situation is a little different than the book is written for (emotional infidelity), but the stage you are at now is addressed quite well in the book - you’ve decided to stay with him, and you want to forgive him and move on, but you’re just stuck. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but you will need to work on moving past this. I don’t think it would be a bad idea for you to visit a counsellor for a couple of sessions to help you figure out what you need to do to put this behind you.

What do you hope to get from reading Nancy’s blog?

13

As I said before, not necesarily. Possibly, sure. But sometimes this sort of thing happens when people are just searching for the right person.

Case in point, I hooked up with Elaine just for sex. (This was in my younger, oat-sowing years.) Then I met Laura. That had the promise of a real relationship. After an overlap period of a couple of months, Elaine was out. After 10 months of dating Laura, I came to realize that I would never be happy with her. That’s when I met Julie. I really liked her. Overlap of about a month, but I wasn’t terribly sexual with either of them during that time. I was with Julie for two years, but it was becoming painfully obvious that we had serious problems. While I didn’t cheat on her, my eye was roving. She ended up breaking up with me about 12 hours before I was going to break up with her. It was as mutual and amicable as one could imagine. As it turns out, she had been corresponding with some guy in Cleveland she met on the Internet. They were married eight months later. And I was well into a much better relationship.

As painful as it can be to break up, it’s usually best for both people, as they can focus on finding the right people.

I hope that’s case here.

14

You’re being irrationally obsessive, and this is nobody’s problem except your own. It’s not your trust of Dave that’s on the line, but his trust in you. You are doing something behind his back that, if he knew you were doing it, would make him very uncomfortable (regardless of his past behavior). If you can’t stop this obsessive behavior, maybe it’s time to seek professional help.

15

Looking more closely, I see the book is actually for infidelity, period. Just wanted to clarify that. :slight_smile:

16

featherlou, At first, I was reading it to make sure there wasn’t anything else I was missing in this situation. Some deeper levels of deceit.

Then, I was struck how different this girl was from me. Virtually night and day. Nothing in common. I couldn’t figure out how one person could be attracted to both of us.

Then, eventually, it became this painful habit. Something I did every day because I did it every day before.
**
panache**, I agree completely that this is my problem. I find myself out of control. I appreciate the advice here. If I can’t get myself together, I’ll call out the bigger guns and talk to a professional.

17

Speaking as someone who’s been The Other Guy a couple of times and been badly burned by it, I’d be pretty pissed at this revelation. It’d probably be enough for me to end the relationship. Honesty is huge for me. It’s one thing to cheat, and another entirely to keep it from you for four months while it was happening–and apparently, it was his intention to keep it a secret forever.

I mean, I don’t think it’s a big deal that he didn’t tell you he had a girlfriend when you first asked him out. It was just a date. But by the second date he should’ve mentioned that he was in a relationship. That’s the timeline I operate on, anyway. I try not to get involved as The Other Guy anymore, but when I have, I expected to know before the second date.

I guess I can’t really answer your question because it’d be a moot point for me–that guy would have been out of my life by now.

18

Ah - you were trying to figure it out. Are you content now that you have figured enough out? Can you let it go now?

19

Side note: I might be a little bitter. I met a girl a few weeks ago and we really sparked, and have been trying to plan a date since…and I found out last night that she’s getting married to some jackass from LA.

20

I’m kind of with fetus on this one. I don’t know if I’d dump Dave, but I’d certainly have my doubts about him.

Do you still trust him? Do you think you can continue to have a relationship with him?