Care to write your obituary?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I did a little bit of searching but was unable to find if this thread had been done here before. My apologies if it has.

I remember many years ago in school we were required given a writing assignment to craft our own obituary. I’ve thought from time-to-time of doing it again, just to see what came out.

I threw this one together just on a whim, but am not yet very fond of it. However, since I have nothing better to offer right now, this is what you get.

Please feel free to add your own obituaries, whether serious or facetious.

Standup Karmic died last Thursday, passing peacefully in his sleep at his home in Costa del Sol, Spain. He is survived by his loving wife, Heather, their children, Joshua and his wife Amanda and Jenny and her husband Mark, 4 grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren. Standup was born on November 11, 1969 in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada. He lived there until moving to Lethbridge, Alberta to attend university in 1994 and the residing in Calgary after graduation. He began working in the commercial real estate industry in the late 1990s, forming his own consulting company in late-spring of 2003.

In 2004, Standup met Heather, who was to become the love of his life. Standup’s consulting company gave him the freedom to earn a living from wherever he happened to be at the time, and he and Heather used this freedom to travel the world. Among their favorite destinations were Thailand, Vancouver Island, New Caledonia, Cairo, and Spain, to which they permanently retired in the 30s.

Standup had a lust for life that cannot simply be conveyed in words. On any given day, he jumped from bed, thinking of the wonders and mysteries that the day before him held. His best friend, Tara S. says the following of his life: “He didn’t just bite and swallow. He chewed his steak, licked his ice cream, and sucked every last drop of root beer from her straw until it made that bubbly, airy noise, and there was nothing else left to swallow. Now that he’s done, he’s not wiping her lips; he’s licking them.” Truly, he spent every day living, loving, and laughing like it could be his last.

He was a wonderful father, always interested in whatever his children were interested in at the time. He never missed a game, recital, occasion or event. His children embodied the joy that he took in life, and he made every possible effort to ensure that they knew that. His son, Joshua, says: “Dad was the greatest role model I could have ever asked for. The grace with which he carried himself, the pride he took in his family, and the fact that he always had a principle and not a price – these things had a profound influence on who I was to become as a man. I couldn’t be more proud of my Dad and the man that he was.”

Services will be held in Calgary on Tuesday. In accordance with his wishes, all attendees are requested to bring party hats and noisemakers. After brief services, a traditional New Orleans-style jazz funeral procession will follow. Thereafter, a steak barbeque will follow at Sandy Beach Park. An open bar will be on hand.

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“He loved not too wisely, but too often.”

3

“We thought the bastard was never going to leave…”

4

Um…those are really epitaphs, rather than obituaries.

5

No … “Confusion” will be my epitaph. :smiley:

6

I stand corrected.
How about:

‘Who?’

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Algorithm terminated 23:49:11.06 GMT on 2003/09/16 returning type “int” with a value of “27.” Total running time 00:03:28.76. Algorithm analyzed, and efficiency of n[sup]2[/sup] time, log[sub]2[/sub] n space was evaluated. Cause of termination was recorded as “terminating condition of ‘while’ loop achieved.”

Algorithm was a standard face-vertex counting function, employing various object types throughout execution. Object types included: Point, Vertex, Edge, Face, Triangle. Algorithm worked well with others, and occasionally called such routines as Triangle::GetEdges(Edge *) and Point::Move(float, float) for various purposes.

Algorithm was conceived on April 12, 2003 in drive.cpp, and called by parents WinMain() and WndProc(). Execution is continued by sister functions Paint() and Exception_Handler(). We all sincerely hope that someday Algorithm will be called again.

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Malice, a wry and mischevious optimist who made a living with words, died in his sleep today, laughing. He was 36.

Despite his name, Malice, a Los Angeles native, was known for his friendliness and easygoing nature. He once explained that enjoyed the irony of being known by a moniker – bestowed by a badly misspelled advertising mailer – that so perfectly described who he was not.

The former journalist and comedy writer was known for his wide circle of friends. In earlier years, he was particularly noted for his wide circle of female companions – in high school, for example, he was named “Most Likely to Have a Harem.”

Malice met the future Mrs. Malice in his final year of college and, after a 10-year off-and-on relationship, the pair married in 2000. Frankly, she could have done much better, but Malice was always pleased that she settled.

Malice is survived by his parents, three brothers, Mrs. Malice and many friends who will sorely miss the summer bacchanal he hosted for the last 18 years, starting in high school.

A wake will be held at Malice’s back yard. The open bar goes without saying and the Kegerator will be filled with Sierra Nevada. In Malice’s memory, single guests are encouraged to hook up.

9

The reports of CalMeacham’s death were, it turns out, not greatly exaggerated at all.

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Miss SanguineSpider lead a life of pure depravity and indulgence. Here are the graphic details of a life gone, oh, so wrong…

Just KIDDING!

SanguineSpider, a loving girlfriend, a devoted daughter, and an adoring mother of one very special child, died this morning at the age of 31.

Born in Hawaii but not a local, she moved with her family to California at the age of one year, eventually moving to Arizona where her remaining family member still reside.

She graduated P***** (name blocked to protect the innocent) High School in the summer of 1990 and decided to head out into the job market instead of attending college. Eight years of horrid, nasty retail conditions forced her to rethink her life goals and in the fall of 1998, she began attending Arizona State University with dreams of teaching secondary education.

During her sophomore year, her plans changed and she wed the most sorry-assed loser she could possibly have found on the planet, and bore the bastard a most angelic baby girl several years later (for whom he owes much back support but will she ever see a penny? NO! Umm wait… this is an obituary not a bibliography, OOPS!).

Raising her precious angel took the upper hand in her life and once again, she changed her life goals.

Sanguinespider is survived by her parents, brother, ex-bastard husband, her most adoring boyfriend, and all of her younger cousins (damn it).

A memorial service will be held on her birthday in May to honor the blessings she bestowed upon so many in her life. Renaissance attire is required as is the obligatory calling out of “Huzzah” and the passing out of much mead/wine/ale and so forth. Male guests are encouraged to joust and all are required to make merry.

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errr… family members… bleh

12

“Well, we had to whack him with a boat paddle, but he’s finally gone.”

Aternately:

“Knock Knock. Whos’s There? Not Mastema anymore.”

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With grace and humour, kung fu lola passed away last tuesday, October 4th, at the age of 83. She is survived by her brother Nathan, Cory Ann, her spouse of fifty-seven years, and her children, Lily, Abigail and Miles. Fondly remembered by her 5 grandchildren, and many friends and co-workers.

Lola trained as a contemporary dancer for 15 years. At the end of her adolescence, she traded in her dancing shoes for a pen and began writing poetry and fiction. She attended the journalism program at Concordia University and began a long career in radio at the CBC, telling stories for a living.
After her retirement, Lola went back to school for midwifery and spent five years providing woman-centered birthing services in conflicted areas with Doctors Without Borders.

Lola’s passion and playful nature were a joy to those around her. She never shrank from taking a risk or answering a challenge. She was inspired by strong, courageous women and aspired to be a role model for others. Her refusal to take herself seriously made her a delight to be around.

A memorial sevice will be held at __________ Unitarian Church, followed by private cremation. In lieu of flowers, Donations to the Children’s Spirituality Foundation would be appreciated.

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“He usually did pull out too early.”

:slight_smile:

  • PW
15

Must be male! HA!

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Unidentified Man Found in Ditch
(From the Buffalo Tooth Gazette- Buffalo Tooth, Wyoming 10/18/25)

 An unidentified man was discovered by Zeke Hardbottle in a drainage ditch near the railyard last Tuesday. "Probably some hobo who fell out of a boxcar," Zeke says.
 Anyone who can help identify the body should contact County Coroner Maynard Trebs at the hardware store. If it's after 5:00 you can usually find him at the OK Lounge.
 The body's in the big freezer at the Hudson's place if you want a look at it first.
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Shirley Ujest, Age 95
Rent-A-Gnome Founder dies.

“She stood in the circle of fire that life threw at her and managed to survive with a blazing wit, well tuned sarcasm and an uncanny internal Bull Shit Meter.” Said daughter, Ms. Ujest, of her mother.

“Her distain for the domestic arts, office management and other worker-drone jobs frustrated her for years.” commented her son, Master Ujest, " But she managed to find a niche for herself with her Rent A Gnome business which went global after three years and is to date, one of the most successful women owned businesses in the World.

“My mother was often quoted as saying, ‘Take that, Martha. What people really want are cheezy lawn ornaments to carpet their friends lawns on for those special occaisions.’ Mom, was to say, quite the card.” her son recounted fondly.
After her husband, only known as Mr. Ujest (even to his children), died of a massive coronary when the Lions went to the Super Bowl in 2017 ( only to be beaten by the Manhatten Gerbils: 97-0) she sold the house, all her late husbands crap on Ebay and invested the life insurance money into what everyone said would be a fad. But Shirley Ujest was a woman with a dream. " A Gnome in Every Garden. A Garden for Every Gnome…at least for a day or so.

Her son went on to say, “Mom lived with the adage, 'People are inherently lazy and drawn to cheap lawn ornaments. Her favorite jobs were when the White House was done for President Hilary Clinton. The Secret Service didn’t even stop her, they thought it was a riot. Rumor had it that it was Bill that ordered it, but mom took that secret to the grave. Her other favorite job she did, personally, was Gnoming the Vatican in honor of Pope Mel Gibson. She even had a batch of special Gnomes made up with devils horns on it for the occasion. It went over quite well, and the Pontiff, taking a break from filming Lethal Weapon 19 to pose with her, even though Mom gave up that kind of nonsense back in the last milenneum.”

Ms. Ujest received the approval from the Homosexual community when she announed that Gnomes were gay, because, there just weren’t no female Gnomes around that she’d ever seen which sparked three things simulaneaously: A $1,000,000,000 reward offered for a verifiable, certifiable female Gnome; back lash from the Ultra Conservative Crowd about her flounting queer activities and lastly, a staggering amount of orders from San Fransico and the Keys."

And what of the one million dollar reward money?

No female gnome has ever been found.

“Shirley never marched to the same beat as others. In fact, " Said her close friend of 75 years, Leslie, " I’m pretty sure she was blowing her own bagpipes, if you know what I mean. Y’know she was the one to catch Osama Bin Laden. One of his trusted aides decided to Gnome bin Laden, and have the ground before the cave he had been hiding in at the time done. Osama couldn’t resist a peek at such a humorous sight and was nabbed by the Coalition Forces. The White House owes her a Congressional Medal of Honor, but Shirley never complained. She always said it was the least she could do for her country.”
Her life’s work of bringing cheezy lawn art to every part of the globe will be remember tonight simutaneaously in Central Park, London, Paris, Katmandu, Macchu Picchu, Area 51, Luxor, and along various parts of the Great Wall in China by lining up Garden Gnomes, drinking beer, lighting sparklers and eating lots of excellent (local) home cooking.

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The death occurred at a pool table as the last nine-ball of an eleven rack run dropped into the left side-pocket (as seen from the head-string). Fatwater Fewl left behind a son, eight siblings, a well-used cue, a few poems, a few thousand books, some worn blue jeans, 2 flannel shirts, half a pouch of Drum tobacco and almost a pound of medium-roasted Sumatran coffee beans.

The body will be cremated with the coffee and tobacco. The ashes will be scattered on a beach of the deceased son’s choosing on the South Shore of Prince Edward Island.

In lieu of flowers, donations to any organizations which promote literacy will be appreciated.

“If it catches fire, it’s real.”
–Rainer Maria Rilke

19

Plankspanker passed away kicking and screaming, having been electrocuted by a faulty bass rig whilst playing the closing act at the Reading Festival 2021 with his band ‘Metal Liqour’.

Plankspanker leaves behind his long-term girlfriend, house, lotus elise, 6 black bass guitars, 2 alice bands and a black beanie.

Adored by many fans, friends, and family, Plankspanker leaves them grieving at his loss. Cosmopolitan mourns the loss of a good finger-style bass player…

Plank will be buried in the cellar of his mansion in north-norfolk, so he can haunt the new owners for years to come.

Donations of Rotosound roundwound can be made to your favourite charity.

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And in other news, DeVena, noted author of Recipes to Remember and other fabulous cookbooks, died suddenly today at the age of 60. Ironically, the revered “fat lady”, who was plagued by chronic disease, was struck by a car while going to get her hair done. She is survived by her loving Hubby and numerous friends and family. She has donated her body to science, and her beloved Hubby has asked that, in lieu of flowers, donations are sent to Children’s Hospital of Birmingham, Alabama and Montgomery AIDS Outreach. A memorial service will be held tomorrow at First Baptist Church in Montgomery. DeVena lived her life to the fullest and was a true benefit to the community. She will be greatly missed in our fair city and her loss has left a fairly large hole in our hearts. Again, DeVena, dead at 60.