Cat people - what's up with my flaky feline?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Two years ago, I adopted Zivafrom a local rescue group. She gets along well withour psycho Bengal, Taz, and mostly ignores our dog. She’s nearly 3 years old now, having spent 2/3 of her life with us.

Ziva is my cat for sure. She’ll curl up next to me when I’m knitting, occasionally climb in bed with me when I’m watching TV alone, and will come to me for skritches if I reach out to her. My husband, on the other hand, is another matter entirely.

He has never done anything to her, never abused her, never taunted her, nothing to traumatize her, but she acts like he’s beaten her regularly. When she’s next to me as I knit, if he rises from his seat on the other side of the room, she’ll bolt. Sometimes all it takes is for him to sneeze, and she’s outta here. If she’s sitting on the recliner in the family room and he walks into the room, she departs in a blur of grey fluff.

BUT, if she’s on the cat tower or on the raised shelf where we feed the cats (keeping the food away from the dog) she’ll let he pet her and scratch her, and she purrs like crazy. She’ll even, or rare occasions, let him pet her when she’s sitting on his dresser in the bedroom. Outside of these 3 places, she acts like he’s evil incarnate.

Same for my mother-in-law, who is the gentlest animal lover I’ve ever know. She raised an orphaned baby squirrel, fercryinoutloud!!! But she can’t approach Ziva. Nor can my daughter, or anyone else, for that matter. When strangers come in the house, the cat retreats to her safe place, under my side of the bed.

Is there any hope for socializing her? Or do we have to live with these idiosyncracies?

2

So Ziva was a year old when you adopted her? That’s plenty of time for a previous owner to have made a bad impression on/scare/abuse her. Unfortunately, cats have long memories and even if your husband looks nothing like the lout who abused her, there might be another characteristic (the way he moves, the aftershave he wears) that reminds Ziva of that dark time. The fact that she sometimes lets him pet her is encouraging, though.

Sometimes, the only cure is time.

3

In my experience, cats are naturally of the “run first and investigate later” mindset. Anything unfamiliar can cause a cat to bolt. Quirkiest animals in the whole world, in my opinion.

4

Yes to the idea of time. My dearly departed Max behaved much like you describe for probably three years before he started to get brave. But by the end he was brave and friendly with nearly everyone. He was also about a year old when we got him and I suspected he had been abused because if you reached down toward him he would cower. But don’t give up. Good luck with Ziva.
Oh, yes, picture of Max.

5

All I can offer is anecdotal hope that things may improve in the fullness of time.

One of our menagerie, Nini (nee-nee) had some similar behaviors. I had plucked her out of a dusty corner of the shed in my back yard in Georgia about 7 years ago when she was a kitten after scaring away her stray cat momma as I approached to get some tools for yard work. After her mother had run away, I heard something rustling in the shed and I found her, no bigger than a coffee cup. I thought she was small and young enough to bribe her into being a docile pet with food and love, but quickly learned that as young and small as she was, she was pretty much feral and would always be to some degree.

The only reason it worked out for the first few years was that she LOVED my special needs cat, Dexter, (who loved everything, even inanimate objects) and she would follow him around and snuggle and cuddle with him and basically he became her momma-by-proxy. Since he loved to cuddle and love on me, it brought her within petting proximity on occasion, and if I was very careful and slow, I could pet her only while she was snuggling with him. When Shay moved in with me, she couldn’t even do the Dexter petting.

Slowly…very slowly…through the years and traumas of needing to be trapped in small rooms every time she needed to be treated with Frontline or taken to the vet, and after moving cross-country from GA to CA in a car, she finally started to warm up to us. We’re talking a good 5 years after I’d found her as a kitten. Part of it was catalyzed by our losing our dear Dexter so she didn’t have her security blanket anymore. She started to become more responsive to pets while on the couch but only at arm’s length. Then she started to come and stand on me for pets, but as soon as you try to pick her up she’s gone.

I’d say she’s now about 60% pet and 40% feral. We still have to sneak up on her while she’s eating or sleeping if we need to really handle her in any way. She does eventually forgive and forget these small traumas. But she will always be more comfortable with me than Shay, but Shay has worked her way all the way up to being stood upon for pets, which is major progress.

She can also easily revert to 100% feral like she just did last week. One of our other cats scratched her pretty deep right on the tip of her nose and it was bleeding and snotting a lot. I put her in the laundry room until we could get a good look at her and she completely reverted. Even after we figured out that it was just a scratch and not a problem with her sinuses, it took a good 2 days before she was back to her normal self, and it took a couple helpings of canned cat food to help her over that last hurdle back to domesticity. And actually, just those two spoonfulls of ‘the good stuff’ has had a pretty significant affect on her behavior. She used to sleep most of the time off by herself in a hamper full of old blankets in one of our spare rooms, but now she’s taken to sleeping on the arm of the couch in the living room where I gave her the yummy nose-healing food.

So, my advice for your husband is patience and bribes.

6

Ah yes, that’s something else I forgot - she hates to be picked up - even by me. I’m dreading next month when I have to take her to the vet for her annual once-over. Getting her into her carrier will probably result in blood on my arms. My blood.

I had considered the possibility of abuse before I got her, but she avoids everyone except me, so it’s no like she has a fear of men or men with beards - like I said, she runs from my daughter and mother-in-law also. And I’m pretty sure she hid from the girls who used to come and clean for us.

Maybe I’ll give my husband one of the containers of kitteh treats to keep by his preferred living room seat - we’ll see if her love of treats will overcome her fear. Taz certainly doesn’t have any problems with anyone - he’ll climb on anyone who looks to have a comfy lap.

7

I had an ex GF who had a cat that used to adore me. He loved me because I’d horseplay with him in a manner my GF would not.

Normally I would just push him over on his back and grab a handful of belly. The cat would then attack my hand. My hand at the time pretty much had a constant collection a kitty scratches on it as a result. Hence the reason my ex would not play with him like that.

Anyway, I always thought he enjoyed these play sessions as he was usually the one that would come over to me and instigate them.

Well, one day crap got out of hand. For some reason he decided to clamp down hard on my hand like he was pissed for real. I wound up having to bat him on the nose to let go.

After that day he would not have any thing to do with me.

I’m a little embarrassed to say my feelings were hurt. :frowning:

8

A couple of days before your vet appointment, put the cat carrier in the area where you feed her and leave it there with the door open. Put her food and water inside the carrier and let her get used to crawling in there to eat/drink. Then, on the day of the appointment, don’t feed her at all until its time to go and put some really stinky tuna or her favorite food in there. She’ll go in and all you have to do is close the door.

(Been there done that bled like a stuck pig from the scratches and drama)

And if that doesn’t work, there’s always Kevlar vambraces.

9

Forgot to add.

Let your husband be the one who feeds the cat and changes the litter box exclusively. The cat should come around to your husband at least.

10

Much as I’d love surrendering litter box duty to him, he just had spinal surgery, and he’s not supposed to be bending over, plus any kind of bending is very painful. I will try letting him bribe her with treats, tho.

He’ll play rough with the bengal, who just loves that. He can also trim his claws with minimal whining, but then Taz was his cat in the first place.

Oh, and the cat carrier is out - has been for months. Well, it’s not like we ever sit on that particular chair… :wink: I do think I’ll have a bath towel in hand to scoop Ziva up when it’s vet time.

11

Well not all cats - but in my experience, many cats are hardwired like this, no matter how kindly and calmly they’ve been treated during their formative years. I’ve always thought the “scaredy” cats are the ones that would survive best if dumped outside - I’m part of a group that does Trap-Neuter-Release (TNR) and cares for feral and stray cats and frankly I don’t want any of these cats to get complacent or friendly. Their natural suspicion is probably very adaptive, as small wild predators!

I’ve also had several cats who were like this - not terribly social, not a fan of being picked up and petted, not cuddly at all. One I’m thinking of I owned since six weeks old - she was needy in her own way but utterly hated being handled unless on her own terms. Maybe liked and needed to be near and around their “pack” but that’s as far as it got…I learned eventually to accept this and not see it as a fault but as a very adaptive survival trait so I respected it.

Doesn’t make it easy to care for or take the cat to the vet or what have you, though. I have a neighbor with a cat named Elliot I have never seen, although I’ve had a key to her house for four years and several times a year go “take care” of Elliot when she’s out of town for a week. The only indications there’s a cat in the house is he uses the litter box, eats and drinks in my absence. But he is loved and well-cared for - just invisible. :slight_smile:

12

Just be happy she gets along with the other cat. Cats can have some major control issues.

13

She doesn’t sound too abnormal to me - cats pick their human, and everyone is pretty much chopped liver to them (well, not chopped liver - more like chopped lettuce, I guess - something they just aren’t interested in). My cat comes to me and sits on my lap for her pettins, but she’ll barely walk across my husband to get to me. He’s never done a thing to her except pet her nicely and play with her, but she won’t give him the time of day. She doesn’t like getting picked up, either.

14

I agree with Cat Whisperer. IME, cats are either generally gregarious or generally not. Two of mine love everyone, and will sit at the feet of total strangers and meow until they get the skritches that they consider their due in life. The other adores my daughter and I, and ignores or hides from pretty much everyone else (except that I swear he has a knack for taking a liking to people who are allergic to cats). I have friends whose cats are imaginary friends as far as I know. I’ve certainly never seen them.

Also, one of the friendly ones hates to be picked up. He’ll briefly tolerate it from me, though he’s clearly unhappy. He’ll struggle immediately when my daughter does it. If anyone else tries, they’re getting shredded. He’s an absolute fuzzy ball of love otherwise, he just is terrified (for no experiential reason I’m aware of) of being picked up.

15

Cats love drama. Whatever else went on during that first year, the cat’s getting off on the drama.

If it were my cat I’d change the rules. Giving special treats, switching who feeds her. Also, your husband could stop petting her on her terms, just ignore her then. She might decide to make overtures out of her comfort zone.

16

our striped cat, also a pound rescue, is afraid of me but very affectionate with my girlfriend. i go out of my way to pet her, feed her often, and play with her, but sometimes when i walk into the room she panics and disappears under the couch. she also hides from all our friends. i wouldn’t worry about changing her, but you can probably find a vet who’ll give her (or you) a sedative to take before making the trip.

17

I must say, it’s a load off my mind to see that Ziva isn’t necessarily a problem child or afflicted with issues. It does hurt my husband’s feelings that she won’t go to him, but it sounds like it may not be so much a personal affront or preference as a quirk.

I could try to get a third cat and see how he/she reacts, although I’d probably end up divorced… so we’ll just keep on the way we are. Thanks for all the comments!

18

A friend of mine brought a 4-month-old kitten into her house from outside, so he was a little feral but not beyond socializing. He mellowed out over a decade, but for most of those years, the only way people besides her could pet him was with the corded kitchen phone in their hand. I guess he felt that as long as people were tethered to the wall they were “safe.”

Cats is weird, indeed.

19

One of my resident cats was a kitten born two years ago under my neighbor’s porch to a feral mama. My neighbor and I spent a lot of time playing with, handling and feeding the kittens (we trapped and spayed mama) but they were always very skittish, even though we started handling them when they were maybe 5-6 weeks old. Only one hung around, so I moved him to the new house last fall. He and my cat Archie are very closely bonded.

He refuses to come in the house - when it’s cold, he sleeps in the crawl space where it’s warm by the duct work. (I think he’s probably afraid of the dogs.) He runs away every time he sees me, although once I put food down he’ll come over. The only time I can touch him is when he is eating, but after several pets he arches his back and backs away until I move away from the food bowl. He disappears if anyone else comes near the house. I tried picking him up once and he freaked and scratched the crap out of me. I have live cat traps; that’s how I got him into the vet.

I’ve had him neutered and vaccinated so I suppose he’s my cat even though I can hardly touch him, and I don’t think he’ll ever get friendlier. It’s been my experience that some (though not all) kittens born feral remain skittish their entire lives and never become well-socialized to humans. Looking back, the skittish cats I’ve owned were either born wild, or were some way or another never handled or exposed to people from birth on a regular basis.

I have a friend who bought some kind of exotic cat - beautiful long haired cat but I don’t recall the breed - from a breeder at about a year old. Sounds like not a very good breeder - the cats were mostly housed in big cages. My friend’s cat is like Ziva - will sleep on the bed but only on my friend’s side, her husband and sons can’t pick her up and she’s a long-haired tabby streak when anyone goes to the house.

So perhaps Ziva (who is really pretty) didn’t have a lot of human contact in her early, formative years?