My bold.
The question is, do I have enough confidence in the ability of someone in their late 70s, with no medical training, WHO FELL AND CAN’T GET UP, to judge her own physical condition, and leave her alone even before an ambulance arrives.
And I can provide dozens of anecdotes from my own (and my wife’s) family that old people who say “I’m okay” often aren’t.
I’m not sure if the tickets could have been changed with 24 hours notice, but they were not reschedulable this close to the flight time, according to the terms and conditions, at least.
I had bellyache for 10 days before my wife MADE me go to the doctor. 12 hours later I was waking up without an appendix. She valued my judgment until she determined it was poor, then she essentially took over the situation. Sorta glad she did.
As for sis. Hey, you look after family but there is a hierarchy and “wife trumps sister” should not be a particularly stunning revelation. Adulting includes an obligation to look after yourself. That means deciding whether or not you want to have people in your life who can look after you when you can’t. A wise person will have several such contacts just in case their need conflicts with someone else’s hierarchy.
It is either or. Either I stay with my wife or I may never see her alive again. And in this case I don’t trust her judgement, she is under duress. Yes, I am being selfish while she is being selfless, but I also have an obligation to ignore her selflessness in such a situation as I’d expect her to do if the roles were reversed. You don’t know me or my wife, don’t assume you can wrap up our relationship in such simple terms. We respect each others wishes in general, but both of us also know when it’s time to consider the well being of the other beyond their momentary desires.
And in addition to that, I would not leave anyone in their late 70s who cannot get up lying on the sidewalk to catch a plane.
I would think my wife loves me.
She said go, so I go. I make sure her phone is charged and in her hand. I ask her to update me regularly.
One down side of getting old is that that list of contacts wears thin as your peers die or otherwise are unable to be of assistance. Like I said, it would depend on how important the task was, and how important my presence was for it.
If my wife spends a couple hours at urgent care, and they send her back with a sling and a prescription for advil, while her sister ends up on the street because the important task was left undone, no one is going to be happy with that situation.
That is the same assessment as any time you leave her presence. There are no guarantees. I had a good friend who seemed healthy enough one day, and less than a week later, dead.
It’s not just “momentary desires”, it is real and harmful consequences that someone else will experience.
I thought that this was in the house leaving for the airport, unless the idea was that we were walking to the airport.
If it is actually outside on the sidewalk, that does change the calculous a bit.
I would think that my wife doesn’t respect me.
So, after this is over, and your wife stands there and waits while the ambulance comes, then stands there and waits while they load you up, and then stands there while a doctor looks at you, and stands there while you get some x-rays, and then stands there while you take a few advil, meanwhile your sister loses her house because instead of assisting in what needed assisting, she was standing there while other people took care of you, are you going to feel guilty? Is your wife going to feel guilty that she ignored your request that she help your sister, and instead, stood by and watched other people take care of you?
And what happens if there is a snow storm or hurricane and flights get delayed for 3 days?
And you’ve never been in a situation where spouse says X and then later says “you know I really meant Y?”
At thos point you don’t know that the wife can take care of herself after getting treatment. At this point you don’t know.
How is that relevant? That’s always a possibility.
Not with a spouse, no. But I have been in situations where someone says that. I do not appreciate it.
And the OP does say specifically that we do have family in the area that can help her out.
Right. And the sister will be just as screwed if the delay is a snowstorm rather than an injury. This is exactly why we get to a cruise port at least a day ahead of sailing.
When my wife does this it is because she thinks I prefer Y though often I don’t care. In this case she might say go so she could be a martyr, or because she things you’d rather go than stay with her.
Which means that you can go as soon as the wife is sorted out. But I don’t think the relatives are going to appear in five minutes, and there could be paperwork to take care of that they can’t do.
I’m definitely not saying wait until she is completely healed - just until the situation is stabilized. Could be hours or a day.
On my way to the airport, weather is probably not going to change all that much in surprising ways in that time.
I don’t really want to go, she wants me to go to help out her sister.
Well, the OP left many details out. The ability to rebook would be something to consider. I am operating under the assumption that you would not be able to book another flight until after it was too late for the urgent task, as well as that, since we bought the tickets at a discount, we don’t really have the money to buy new ones.
Sure, if it just means not leaving until tomorrow, and we can all afford the time delay and the financial loss, then it’s a no brainer that you stay with the wife. It is when those factors are a bit less clear, that she can’t afford the delay, or I cannot afford the loss, and you have to make choices that it’s not so clear cut.
If the “urgent task” over at the sister’s house is so gosh-darn life threatening, then call 911 a second time and have them head over to the sister’s house too.
What exactly is the unspecified “bad thing” that’s going to happen to the sister if I don’t show up at her doorstep in 8 hours? I have to move a thing? Sign a thing? Clean a thing? And unless that happens, something happens?
Bullshit. If something needs to be moved, we call some movers and they come over and move it, and we pay them. If something needs to be signed, we fedex the documents, or sign them digitally, or whatever. If something needs to be cleaned, we hire a cleaning service and we pay them.
Nothing disastrous is going to happen to the sister if I’m not on that plane, and if there is, we call 911. If it’s just “Aunt Betty is getting on in years and can’t take care of X, Y and Z anymore” then me showing up on her doorstep in 8 hours is not the only thing preventing disaster. None of the things I can do for Aunt Betty–remember, I’m a frail 70 year old in this scenario, instead of the robust testosterone-soaked smoldering volcano of virile manhood that I am in real life–are so important that we can’t hire the goddam neighbor kid to do it instead. Or if not the neighbor kid, the appropriate professionals.
And if it’s “Aunt Betty is fucking nuts, and if you don’t show up she’s going to be hysterical”, then that’s the 911 call. Call in social services.
The point is, if there was nothing urgently threatening last week, what’s different about this week? If there’s something legitimately different about this week, then call 911 or the moral equivalent of 911. If there’s not, then we wait a week. And if we’re so strapped for money that we spent our last food stamps on these tickets, then what exactly are we supposed to do for Aunt Betty once we get there? Two frail broke-ass helpless septuagenarians?
If not getting on that plane means we or Aunt Betty face financial ruin, then the problem isn’t not getting on that plane, the problem is that we’re no longer capable of handling our own affairs, and it’s time for the kids to find all three of us nursing homes.
I asked my husband what he’d say, and after running through the scenario at length, he pretty much said exactly what Lemur866 said. He’d stay with me - no question. Although he did also say he wouldn’t fly in the first place, he’d drive. Once I got him past that, he said pretty much the above.
If she can’t get up, with minor assistance, it’s more than her shoulder. There’s no telling how much more than a shoulder until she’s been diagnosed at the hospital. Being completely immobile is too big a deal to leave.
How much does the picture change if it involves your own sister rather than her sister?
Your husband loves you. I don’t know what your vows were when you got married. I don’t know what mine were or even if we did that, but I vowed to put my wife above all others (save for my children in some circumstances). I would hope that’s an aspect of all marriages, though looking at the divorce rate it can’t be.
Wife here- if I told my husband it was important to me that he went, I’d be pretty upset if he overrode my judgement and stayed. Maybe would end up wishing he stayed, but that’s my mistake to make for myself. I could see him talking to me about and trying to convince me that he should stay- and if we came to a new conclusion together, that’d be fine.
Married almost 25 years now.
So your husband has no say in where and when he goes or stays?
That’s quite the leap. Since I need to say it clearly, no, he is not a prisoner, he can do what he wants.
But I have say over my feelings about it. We’re he to stay despite my firm and clear objections, I’d be unhappy about it. Also note my edit, which addresses us talking together to potentially come to a new plan. My husband has a 25 year track record of respecting my autonomy and I respecting his and we’ve done ok. So it works for us.
I did not see your edit. That’s a very reasonable plan.