Catching people lying... Do you call them out??

In My Humble Opinion
1

This is something I have been dealing with a lot recently and having a hard time deciding what exactly I should do.

I know that we all lie in some form, whether it be protecting a friend’s feelings when they may asked if their new hair cut looks nice or if your mother just cooked her worse meal. Though what about the times that people lie for no other reason but to lie. Generally if I have no emotional interest in them, I could really careless and ignore it. Though when it is people that I generally care for and have something within myself invested in the friendship, it makes me question what else they may be lying about.

I guess an example would be helpful. :dubious:

In May I got divorced and it was pretty nasty. I left him for so many reasons, but since we had been together for something like 5 years (no kids), I wanted to salvage something from it. After much talking in the last two months, we decided to attempt at a friendship. I made it very clear that I didn’t want to be his “secret friend” and while I didn’t expect him to go running to his parents and friends telling them all that we were hanging out - I did expect that if someone asked what he was doing, he would be honest about it. Simple enough.

Not so much.

He had told me that he had told his close friends that we had gone out to dinner. He told me that he had told his two close friends that I was taking him to the airport where he had to go on a business trip. Well on the way to the airport yesterday he asked if we could stop by his office to drop something off. No problem. Though the closer we got there and the more antsy he got, the more I realized he had lied to me. Once we got close he decided he didn’t want to stop there after all, but I pulled in anyway just as his best friend pulled in behind us.

The Ex flipped. Said that he told everyone he was taking a cab and that no one knew he and I were hanging out. I then flipped out on him.

It isn’t just him. He is just an example. It is certain people hanging out with me, but lie to their friends, family, or SO’s about it. Why? If you were as close with a person or valued any type of relationship you have with him; wouldn’t you stand up for that? Stand up for not only your friend, but the friendship?

To me it makes me feel like shit and the “secret friend”, when they lie and say they are going for a walk to avoid a fight that would be started by stating the truth. I am blunt and I call just about everyone out when I catch them in a lie. I don’t offend or get hurt easily, so it isn’t like they have to walk on egg shells for me… just be truthful. I dunno. I guess that is just to hard for some people…

Don’t I deserve more then that or am I being completely unreasonable and sensitive? :confused:

2

Very hard to answer this because there’s obviously a lot more to the issue and it is very personal and very painful for you.

He lied to protect himself, because he wanted your help and your company, but he was afraid of the reactions of others. Shortsighted, because he should have been able to foresee that it would come to a head at some point.

But I think the larger issue is why other people like to hang out with you and then lie about it to the other people in their lives. Since this is what you seem to be saying. Are you hostile to their friends? Are you toxic? Is there something else about you that is less than savory and they want that, but they don’t want others knowing that they want it? (Example, if you were their drug dealer and they liked hanging out with you, but didn’t want their families to know you.)

In short;

Yes, you do deserve more.

If it’s just him, then it’s just his problem.
If it’s more than just him, then it might be you.

3

You know, there’s a difference in lies between

  1. my friend said he was studying at the library all day but I could clearly see sand on his shoes and a surfboard in his backseat. Also there was a brochure in his pocket listing the ten best things to do at a beach with checkmarks and today’s date next to five of them. What would you all do in that situation?
    and
  2. So I was sleeping over at my boyfriend’s house and he woke me up in the middle of the night saying “shit shit shit! my wife just pulled into the garage! Get dressed now!” Would you have called him on his lie or just ignored it?

I came into this thread thinking we’d be dealing with the first one. Clearly that’s not the case.
Of course you need to call him out on his lie.

4

Exactly.

I think my example was a little off to what I was trying to get at.

I tried to edit the thread, but I missed the time allowance. Though this is my general question. Why lie? Whether it be a friend, family, So, etc… What is the point? If someone asked me a question, I am pretty blunt and would tell them exactly what the answer was from my point of view.

So what exactly do they benefit from lying to anyone? It only proves they are untrustworthy.

Sometimes it isn’t even to me. It is someone telling a third person something completely untrue knowing that I know, what I believe to be, the truth. They are stupid, idiotic things that mean nothing. So this is where I get confused as to the point of lying…

Being the person I am, I would call them out on the inconsistencies. So what they weren’t studying. They would be the one that would loose out on that. I question why they felt they had to lie about the beach.

If my boyfriend had a wife that obviously I didn’t know about, damn right I would. Not only would I call him out on it, I would take my sweet ass time getting dress so his wife would catch him. What exactly would I loose out of situation? I for one didn’t know he was married and he would be a complete asshole for lying. So leaving his house as I ran into his wife would be enough for me. In that type of situation, pay back is a bitch…

But then again, I am vindictive.

Though back to the topic, I just don’t understand lying. I know some people that do it just to avoid a conflict. I stand my ground. Say exactly how I feel and what I believe in and if I happen not to agree with someone or some with me, then that is life. At least they would know where I stand, wouldn’t have to second guess it or doubt any where in the future that anything coming out of my mouth would be false.

I hope the question is clear. Sorry that I may have clouded it in the beginning.

5

You need to make it clear to him you won’t tolerate that stuff. It’s either an open friendship or nothing at all.

I had a relationship with a female co-worker which went along those lines. While in private, she was happy with it. But as soon as we came into “range” she started hiding our relationship (stop holding hands, etc. etc. And I, stupidly, went along. And in the long run, I realize now, it was simply an untenable situation. She was uncomfortable with me (as a boyfriend) and when I finally opened my eyes to the situation I simply ended the relationship.

In your case he seems to think it would look rather funny if he told your mutual friends he was still seeing you (albeit as a friend). And I wouldn’t be surprised he would try to have a non-platonic not-serious relationship with you in the future.

But mainly I’d counsel you to call him out on the issue.

6

I had a friend who was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed spending time with her, but she lied without provocation. I suspected that a couple of her tales were lies. One day she mentioned that she had driven by my house. That’s a little strange since I live out of the way. I asked her if she noticed anything different. She hadn’t. “You mean you didn’t notice the Port-o-Potty in the front yard and the major construction going on to the front of my house?”

I finally had her! We were having a porch torn off and another porch built and a roof changed. Our house and yard were disaster areas! That was the last time that I talked with her.

The first time that I pitted someone here it was for lying at the Dope. I didn’t reveal all that I knew so it was a lousy pitting. But he backed off a little since that time with some of his claims.

And my least favorite poster of all time was slimey with lies before I ever called him on his claim to be an English professor, etc.

I think there are people who think that if they claim something enough times, it will be true or we will believe them. I wouldn’t try to fool anyone at the Dope. My mind is too much of a jumble and what’s the point? Integrity means something.

7

A minor aside: Make sure you know that the person is lying before you write them off. For instance, Zoe is wrong about her least favorite Doper’s profession – he is, in fact, what he claims to be.

That said – if you’re hanging out with liars, you need new friends.

8

While I completely agree with you, I guess the base question is; Why do people feel they have to do it to begin with?

So what if they went to the beach instead of studying? What is the point of lying about something that small, stupid or unimportant?

It could be a co-worker that is talking crap behind someone’s back, but when confronted with it they deny they ever said it. Or if someone asked how many cookies they had and they lie and say 3 instead of 6. Stupid little things, that to me add up to so much more.

I may not even be their friend or know them that well; though if I know they are lying about something I have already immediately stored in the back of my head that they aren’t trust worthy.

Maybe it is just me but even when it’s tiniest of lies I loose respect. Store it in the back of my mind that they aren’t 100 percent trustworthy and tend to second guess everything that comes out of their mouth until it is confirmed or proved to be correct. Sucks that you have to be that way with some people.

If I am beating a dead horse, guys, I’m sorry. Just can’t seem to wrap my head around it. It just seem so… high school-ish.

Sorry about the grammar. I think I am the queen of run on sentences tonight.

9

I think a lot of people get into lying because they don’t think they’re good enough as they are, so they try to make themselves look better (smarter, more together, less incompetent, whatever). It’s actually a sign of fairly sophisticated maturity to be able to own your own errors and weaknesses.

Since people lie out of insecurity, getting them to stop lying is more complicated than just pointing out, however gently, that you’re aware that they’re not telling the truth. You probably won’t be able to fix them – and they may not want to be around somone who sees through them.

So – all you can do is live according to your own standards, and find people to be friends with you share those standards.

10

It doesn’t really make sense to me either. But I read a book not too long ago by Nathaniel Branden, in which he used the term “social metaphysics” to refer to people whose sense of reality is based on what others believe and think about them.

I wonder if this may characterize at least some of the people who habitually lie. What matters isn’t whether they were really at the beach or at the library, but where you think they were.

11

Exactly!

I really couldn’t give a sweet one if they were at the beach, library or 3 states over. It is the fact that they said they were at the library, but felt the need to lie and actually go to be beach. That is what I don’t get at all. Yay!

So yeah. I constantly beat my head against the wall about this. I have told my friends time and time again, “tell me the truth even if you think it would hurt me”. I control how I feel, how I react. My emotions, my choice. So when I actually catch someone lying or trying to hide something… it pisses me off. Like walking in on someone writing something and they quickly change the screen. Or close the lap top when I walk into the room… What the hell is that? It makes it look like they are hiding something and if they aren’t, then why act like that? It’s weird. When I call people out on shit like that, I get “Oh… I was just writing to my mom…” Umm… okay… so I am dating you, sleeping with you - Or you are my best friend or sister that “Shares everything with each other” but yet you act like I am about to see your last will and testament or something.

When people lie or act like that… I second guess everything they say until proved otherwise. Someone that is your family, friend or whatever (in that type of situation) acts a certain way over something that is so innocent or incidental - Their actions don’t add up to their words. I become suspicious.

Maybe when it comes to my actions, it stems from being burnt so many times… Though with my friends and family… if 2+2 doesn’t add up to 4, bet your ass I’m questioning it. Most of them know this about me…

:cool:

Off to bed with me. Gotta work 14 hours tomorrow. :frowning:

Thanks guys for all your input. :slight_smile:

12

I will lie because I like my privacy, and when people ask questions that I don’t think they should ask (why can’t you go to the place I invited you? why were you at the doctor? Do you believe in God/Homeopathy/the war?), I think it’s within my rights to give a vauge, dishonest answer if I don’t feel like confiding that I’d rather go hang out with someone else or whatever. It’s my life and I get to decide how much I want to share. And sometimes the desire to be private isn’t logical: I might not want you to know that I was at the beach just because I don’t want you to know. I’ll be vauge, but if you press it, I might say I stayed home.