My nephew is being confirmed and we have been invited to the service. However, neither of us is Catholic and we don’t know what a standard confirmation mass entails. Can anyone enlighten us? What happens in the service? Is there usually a reception of some sort afterwards? Are we expected to give him a confirmation gift, and if so, what sort of thing is acceptable? Also, are we expected to give an offering to the church?
My confirmation was a very, very long time ago (over 20 years), so things may have changed a bit, but…
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Because a baby can’t really understand what’s going on when they are baptized in the Catholic Church, the godparents make the baptismal promise for them (believe in god, reject satan, stay in the church… that kind of thing). Confirmation is when the promise is re-made by the individual; they’re of an age where they can understand/consent, and they are strengthening their contract with the Church. It’s a fairly simple, straightforward ceremony- applicant and their sponsor (the applicant can request anyone who is an adult and practicing Catholic to be their sponsor) stand before the priest, the priest repeats the terms of the contract (see above), the applicant agrees, the priest smears their forehead with holy oil (or, if they’re a cheap church, holy water) and introduces them by their ‘new name’ (chosen by the applicant… almost everyone goes with Joseph, James, Mary, or Elizabeth, but it can be any saint’s name) to the congregation, everyone politely claps, and it’s done.
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We didn’t have a full-blown Mass; more like an introductory prayer, a reading or two, some words from the priest, the Confirmation part, then the closing prayer. If that’s the case, you just show up, follow-the-leader as far as standing/sitting/etc, and then be on your merry way (unless there’s a party following).
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If it’s a full-blown Mass, then you show up, follow-the-leader except for Communion, and expect a passing of a collection plate that you can choose to simply pass on, or place a small donation in (a dollar is perfectly acceptable, and will be the only donation you’re ‘expected’ to make to the church). They show lots of Catholic masses on tv- you may want to watch one just to get a feel for it.
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There is usually a party at the confirmed’s house afterwards… you’ll need to check with your family on that.
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Gifts are expected inasmuch as they’re expected at any major transition event (graduation, bar/bat mitzvah, etc). Way back when, we pretty much anticipated a nice cross necklace or three (
), a personalized bible, rosary beads… anything religiously significant. If you know what his confirmation name will be, you can get a nice little medal of that saint*, though nowadays I suppose money is the way to go… $20 is reasonable.
[sub]* Unless he’s a bit of a smartass like I was, and picks someone really obscure. :D[/sub]
It’s a normal Mass (Church of England ones are about the same, Church of Scotland are not), with an extra bit that can be pretty long depending on how many people are taking Confirmation. This extra bit entails the Bishop (or his stand-in) standing in front of the altar, with the teenagers and their godparents (one per teen) lining up, walking up to the Bishop and receiving the sacrament.
The Big Questions have been asked and answered collectively; the Bishop asks each recipient for his/her Confirmed name (I chose the same one I already had, it took me long enough to decide it wasn’t completely dorky but once I reconcilled with it, I did), anoints them (a bit of oil and a soft slap) and that’s it, nothing to see here, back to your regularly established Comunion.
We got donuts after at the parish’ big hall and that was it. My group did go out that same night, but it’s because one of the town’s three High Schools was celebrating a party, so completely unrelated to the confirmations.
First of all, Catholic masses in general:
The congregation will sit, stand, and kneel at various points during the Mass. Either find someone who looks like they know what they’re doing and follow their lead, or just sit through everything. Either is acceptable, and the former is what most Catholics actually do (most don’t actually remember on their own when to do what).
If you know any of the songs or prayers, or there’s a song sheet or book you can follow along from, you’re welcome to join in, but it’s also acceptable to keep quiet.
As for communion, this one is important. Towards the end of the Mass, the congregation will file down the aisle for communion. If you are not Catholic, you should not partake. You can walk up to the front with everyone else if you want, but you should cross your arms across your chest to indicate that you won’t be taking Communion. If you want, you can ask the priest or other Eucharistic minister for a blessing. Alternately, you can just stay in your seat during this time.
OK, for confirmation specifically, it will be done by the bishop, not just a priest, so it’s not uncommon for them to save up a few years worth of confirmees, to bring the bishop out for all of them at once. The actual ceremony for the confirmation itself mostly consists of the bishop rubbing a little oil on the person’s forehead and saying a few words-- It’s generally less than a minute per person.
In my experience, most people pick different names. It’s not a name you’ll ever actually be called by except during the ceremony itself; it’s mostly a matter of choosing a saint you particularly respect or want to honor.
To clarify, if you approach the priest or Eucharistic minister with your arms crossed across your chest, they will assume you’ve come up for a blessing. You don’t need to ask them for one. If you don’t want a blessing, don’t go up at all. Nobody will expect you to join in; at a big life event type sacrament, lots of the people there will be non-Catholics who’ve been invited because family wants them there - just like weddings or baptisms.
I don’t know anyone with the confirmation names Joseph, James, Mary or Elizabeth. But since no-one ever uses it for anything, it’s not relevant to you unless you want to get a specific gift relating to it. Be wary though: when my brother chose Patrick, he ended up with about four statues of Patrick in various sizes and levels of garishness. Maybe just go with the cash!
How odd… of my confirmation class of 28, there were three (myself and two others) who didn’t go with Joseph/James/Mary/Elizabeth (and Teresa, which I forgot earlier). A quick poll of my siblings (one Joseph, one Elizabeth, and one Teresa) and my parents (Joseph and Elizabeth) indicated that their classes skewed about the same… a couple of outliers, then tons and tons of ‘standards.’
I thought at the time of my confirmation that it was plain laziness- have you SEEN the book Lives of the Saints? It’s about a foot thick. Tons of names to choose from. Open to any given page, throw a dart at it, there you go.
Wonder if it’s a generational/regional thing?
I vote for remaining in your seat. There are a couple of Eastern Rites where the posture at communion is the one of folding the arms across the chest, which makes it confusing when they visit an RC church and there are different diocese that, for whatever reason, are discuraging the practice. There are nearly always people who do not go up to receive Communion, (non-Catholic visitors, folks who attended an earlier Mass and have already received Communion that day, etc.), so sitting is not looked upon askance by those who are going up.
Confirmation is not always celebrated at a mass. When there are lots and lots of kids being confirmed, that would tend to extend the service too long, it is celebrated by itself. If the class size is smaller, it may, indeed, be during mass.
There could or may not be a church reception. Just follow the crowd. If they eind up in a hall, there is a reception. If they wind up in the parking lot, there is not.
Confirmation is one of the “gift receiving” events, but there is wide variability among the different Catholic sub cultures. At mine and at my nieces’ and nephews’, gifts could be small religious items, (religious books, bible, rosaries, etc.) or small gifts of cash. I have run into others where gifts could be stereos, IPods, or large gifts of cash.
You are NOT expected to make an offering to the church. If the Confirmation is a stand-alone service, there will not even be a collection. As you are not a member of the congregation, there is no expectation that you will offer financial support.
Part of the problem of answering your questions is that there is a HUGE variability among diocese and even parishes, depending on a lot of extraneous cultural factors, that change the answers you will receive. Your best bet would be to contact the parents of the child, (or, perhaps the grandparents), to see what is expected in THAT parish (and family).
Thanks, everyone! That has been very helpful and we have a much better idea what to expect now. I did suggest to mum that she asked my brother since it’s his kid, but she preferred the idea of asking the teeming millions first. Such is your reputation!
Well, the answers on Mass seem pretty good (except that I’d say these days in my limited experience, there are people/parishes who do encourage taking communion even for non-Catholics, as long as you’re respectful and/or at least somewhat Christian. For holidays with lots of non-Catholics the priest will often say something at some point to let non-Catholics know which way to jump. Though as mentioned, you can’t go wrong just staying in the pew when everyone lines up for Communion.).
But as far as receptions, etc. goes, hard to see why you wouldn’t ask the kids’ parents – that’s something there’s no way you could know.
In Spain, arms crossed means “I want to take the Host directly to my mouth, rather than on my hand.” So another vote for staying seated.
I don’t know where you’re getting this, but such an action would be immediately disciplined. Probably pretty severely. Catholics allow only those who share in our Communion rite and beliefs (generally: the Assyrian and Coptic Churches and the Orthodox). Others are permitted only with the explicit consent of the pastor after investigating th parishioner’s beliefs (which probably applies most to the Anglicans).
I have to object and state that this is incorrect. First, priests are Ordinary Eucharistic Ministers. The laypeople who assist when there are a large number of people are Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist. They’re only purpose is to help to distribute the Eucharists, nothing more. To give a blessing, one must have authority to do it, which they do not have in this situation, only the priests do. There are situations when laypeople can give blessings, such as when a mother or father blesses his or her child. In this situation, they have authority over their children, allowing them to do it.
I was given a list of saints names and told to pick whatever one I wanted as a confirmation name! As no one cared, and every cow in the barn was going with ‘Theresa’, even the Theresas, I picked ‘Monica’ because I simply liked the sound. St. Monica is invoked for endless tears, difficult marriages, and disappointing children - well, I only suffered one out of three!
I was going to come in, and offer what I could, based on my Episcopalian confirmation, but, I believe there are more differences than commonalities.
Then I remembered a book a came across once:
How To Be a Perfect Stranger
This is a book filled with etiquette for various services of various faiths and religions.
I’m not sure if it covers Catholic confirmation specifically or not, but it is a good general go to resource for situations similar.
That is not correct, or at least not commonly. In every church I’ve ever seen, the Extraordinary ministers already have prayers and blessings to speak (they have children coming up all the time). Any church where this isn’t happening has a priest who is definitely not fuilfilling his obligations.
Then, it is an abuse. I did ask this question on a Catholic site that is now offline. However, I did find a similar one here:
“Niether the priest nor an extraordinary minister may bless children (or adults) at Communion time. It is a practice that is foreign to the Roman Rite. Is is not found in the instruction.”
Liturgy & Liturgical Law Forum: Blessings by Eucharistic Ministers at – Saint-Mike.org
I think you’d better tell this to the hundreds of Eucharistic ministers in churches all over Europe, South Africa and America that I’ve visited, each and every one of whom I have witnessed give a blessing to at least one person. Also, nothing I’ve just found on Google agrees with you. And your cite appears to have been written by someone other than the Vatican.
“Disappointing” children probably isn’t the best way to put it… Her son turned out just fine. It just took him a heck of a long time to get there.
(for those who don’t know, Monica was the mother of St. Augustine, and was instrumental in his (very slow and drawn-out) conversion to Christianity)
I don’t know exactly who claims that or where they claim to have gotten it, but he’d be hard pressed to argue it in front of my Bishop.