**Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
**Tale of the tape: The Rock is a buff action star/pro wrestler who has starred in movies like The Scorpion King and the remake of Walking Tall, among many others.
The other “rock”? Well, a few possible options. If we’re talking Alcatraz (“the Rock”) that’s one thing, or we could be talking about a big chunk of stone. It’s stretching it a bit but it could also refer to Prudential insurance (“Get a piece of the Rock”). We’re going to go with a big chunk of stone here, though.
The situation: Dwayne is exploring and doing some spelunking, solo (come on, like he needs backup?) and a huge rock falls on his leg, pinning him miles below ground. The Rock tries desperately to free himself, but the rock has crushed his leg and is firmly lodged in place.
The outcome: The Rock, 0, rock, 1.
Tale of the tape: Tiger Woods is a world-class golfer/poonhound. He’s facing a double whammy here, though; woods AND a tiger. Dense forests can disorient those unfamiliar with the environment and woods are home to a number of aggressive and powerful animals. We’ll give Tiger a pass on harsh weather, but now he’s got to deal with a tiger in the woods.
The Situation: Tiger wakes up at night in the middle of the woods, without the benefit of a cell phone or even his golf clubs, except for a single 9-iron. With no sure way of finding direction, Tiger starts off heading in what he hopes is north. Meanwhile, the ravenous tiger has caught Tiger’s scent and is beginning to stalk him. Tiger walks nearly two miles before the tiger grows weary of the chase and decides to pounce. Tiger swings his 9-iron, swatting the tiger on the flank, but the ferocious feline is hungry, and he’s got his jaws clamped around Tiger’s neck.
The outcome: Tiger Woods, 0, tiger and woods, 1.
Tale of the tape: Fred Savage is probably best known for his role in The Wonder Years. His heyday seems long past, sadly. On the other hand, savages still abound and are more than ready to tear civilized folk apart.
The Situation: Fred’s boat crashes while he’s exploring uncharted islands in the Pacific. Far out of cell phone range, Fred decides to sleep on the beach while awaiting rescue. Unfortunately, the indigenous tribe on the island sees Fred as an invader, and they quickly move in with spears and rocks to tenderize Fred. With very little warning or chance of escape, Fred becomes an appetizer.
The Outcome: Fred 0, savages 1
**Tale of the Tape: Megan Fox is a curvaceous hottie, probably best known for her roles in the Transformers movies and Jennifer’s Body. She’s brash and uninhibited, and quite frankly could probably kick your ass. Foxes are relatively small canines who tend to hunt small game and keep to themselves. Occasionally, they make friends with hound dogs, but that’s neither here nor there.
The Situation: Megan is taking a stroll through the woods. She passes by what appears to be the site of a massacre (is that Tiger Woods’ 9-iron?) when out pops a red and white little dog-like animal. The fox initially growls and snarls at Megan, but Megan coos and scratches behind the fox’s ear, getting him to let his guard down enough for Megan to quickly snap his neck.
The Outcome: Megan Fox, 1, fox, 0
Tale of the Tape: Conan O’Brien is a tall man of Irish heritage, who relies on wit and physical humor to entrance his audience. Conan the Cimmerian is a tall man who can break the neck of a wild bull with his bare hands and who hates sorcery.
The Situation: Conan O’Brien is walking along the street when he sees a flash of light, and suddenly before him stands a hulking man with long black hair and smoldering blue eyes, brandishing a broadsword and wearing only a loincloth and worn leather boots. The barbarian doesn’t seem too happy, so Conan O’Brien tries to cheer him up with his “puppet strings being cut” routine. Unfortunately, The Cimmerian interprets this as a display of sorcery, and quickly lops off O’Brien’s head.
The Outcome: O’Brien 0, Cimmerian 1
**Tale of the tape: Uh…depends on the…situation.
The Situation: We all kind of want this guy to go away, right?
The Outcome: The Situation “resolves itself” and never comes back. Cool?