As I write this, it has been ninety-eight days, nineteen hours, and thirty-eight minutes since I last had sexual intercourse. By the time I get home, I will be closing in on my one hundredth day of sexless living. Obviously, I’m doing something incorrectly. Something needs to be done.
My fellow SDMBers, desperate times require desperate measures. That is why, at nine o’clock tonight, EST, I am going to perform a symbolic act which will reset my sexual clock. I’m going to become a “new man.”
Tonight, I am going to use a hair removal product to completely depilate my genitalia.
That’s right, I’m going bald. The removal of my fire-red pubic hair will serve as a tangible, physical reminder of my sexual rebirth. I will stop complaining, I will stop counting, and I will stop worrying about it. Tony Orlando and Dawn will be as bald as the day they were born (but still slightly larger). I will return to carefree innocence, not unlike that guy in that movie that had either Gene Hackman or Michael Caine in it.
The removal of hair has powerful meaning in our collective psyche. It is symbolic of change and renewal. Just look at Samson in the Bible, Bob Geldof in Pink Floyd, and Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver. Okay, forget about them. I’m sure there are more positive examples. Besides, it’s just kind of fun to watch the 'dads grow a new beard like some sort of obscene Chia-Pet.
I’d be happy to post a series of photographs depicting my transformation into a non-sexually starved human being, but my camera sucks and the SDMB explicitly prohibits directly linking to pornography. Plus, I might run for Senator one day. I will, however, provide a running commentary.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. The poster is an untrained fool who has successfully performed this delicate and possibly extremely painful process two or three times in the past, but this doesn’t mean that you’ll come off so lucky.