Chastity: The First Hundred Days, or, The Boys Get Defrocked!

As I write this, it has been ninety-eight days, nineteen hours, and thirty-eight minutes since I last had sexual intercourse. By the time I get home, I will be closing in on my one hundredth day of sexless living. Obviously, I’m doing something incorrectly. Something needs to be done.

My fellow SDMBers, desperate times require desperate measures. That is why, at nine o’clock tonight, EST, I am going to perform a symbolic act which will reset my sexual clock. I’m going to become a “new man.”

Tonight, I am going to use a hair removal product to completely depilate my genitalia.

That’s right, I’m going bald. The removal of my fire-red pubic hair will serve as a tangible, physical reminder of my sexual rebirth. I will stop complaining, I will stop counting, and I will stop worrying about it. Tony Orlando and Dawn will be as bald as the day they were born (but still slightly larger). I will return to carefree innocence, not unlike that guy in that movie that had either Gene Hackman or Michael Caine in it.

The removal of hair has powerful meaning in our collective psyche. It is symbolic of change and renewal. Just look at Samson in the Bible, Bob Geldof in Pink Floyd, and Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver. Okay, forget about them. I’m sure there are more positive examples. Besides, it’s just kind of fun to watch the 'dads grow a new beard like some sort of obscene Chia-Pet.

I’d be happy to post a series of photographs depicting my transformation into a non-sexually starved human being, but my camera sucks and the SDMB explicitly prohibits directly linking to pornography. Plus, I might run for Senator one day. I will, however, provide a running commentary.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. The poster is an untrained fool who has successfully performed this delicate and possibly extremely painful process two or three times in the past, but this doesn’t mean that you’ll come off so lucky.

ACK! Dude, you sat on my furniture the other night!

Well, let me just say, Sofa King, that, having met you in person, were I not married I would be more than happy to help you end your celibate streak. In fact, I find it amazing that you have had one at all.

However, I am quite happily married, and as such I will just stand on the side-lines (erm…you know, figuratively) and applaud your bold new smoothness. And I can’t wait for the running commentary.

Well, well, well.

::sits back, waiting for the show to begin::

Nice disclaimer by the way! :smiley:

Call me crazy, but if I were suffering from a complete and utter inability to get laid, despite my best efforts, I can’t imagine wanting to advertise my complete lack of sexual magnetism to 12,000 people.

“Desperate” does not get you laid. Neither does “pathetic” or “hopeless.”* You might wanna work on those before you go depilitating your pubes. The funny walk you exhibit as it starts to grow back will undoubtedly scare off any potential mates, anyhow.

*Not saying the person in question is desperate, pathetic or hopeless. Just saying it seems desperate, pathetic and hopeless to tell an entire message board that you have absolutely not the first whit of sex appeal.

You’re missing the beauty of the thing, Hamadryad. I’m not trying to get anyone from the SDMB to bonk me. Ahem. And aside from you and the rest of the small circle of people I met last weekend, the people of the SDMB don’t know me from Adam. They’re not my family members or my bosses, and they’re probably not going to rat me out to my other friends. While the sordid details of my ludicrous life are on public display before ten thousand people, I am, effectively, anonymous–for now.

As a result, I feel completely at ease discussing my pathetic life. And my forthcoming act of desperation is something I can share with these witty, intelligent people without scaring (all of) them or causing undue embarassment to my actual self. I can withstand a lot of damage to my e-pride.

Now, as for the funny walk thing, well, no monumental undertaking is complete without an element of danger, however small.

Are you going to use some of that on your hairy palm, too? :smiley:

::Ducks and runs::

Hey! I know ADAM, and you, sir, are no Adam!

Says Couch Monarch

Firstly, it’s “boink.”

Secondly, I like to see a poster with goals different than my own.

Potential boinkees may apply by clicking on the below e-mail icon and forwarding a detailed resume.

fourth times a charm :slight_smile:
hope this invigorates you with a sense of power and strength >to perform what most males consider unimmaginable< which may help you go out and accomplish your task of getting laid.

HmmMmMM Nair huh? Does that work better then a razor for men? It didn’t do the job as desired when I habitually become a smoothie. When I convinced my ex to attempt it for me…he carefully used an electric shaver…results were good for him.

WickedAngel, I can assure you with the greatest confidence that this will work far better than a razor. (Shudder)

Only an hour or so to go, now. I have a lot of things to do until then…

No, not that thing.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here we go. The directions on the bottle specifically state:

“For especially coarse or hard-to-remove hair, saturate hair with likewarm water for several minutes first, pat dry, then apply…”

I’m pretty sure I qualify. However, I have several different areas of skin which may respond differently. I have elected to follow the directions explicitly. See you in a few…

okay, now, I’m about to apply the substance…

All right. There it is. No turning back now. I tried to be neat about it, but the truth of the matter is, I’ve made something of a mess of it. A lot of it got on Tony Orlando, too. I hope that’s okay.

By the way, I got my camera working! It’s… not that impressive.

No, I mean the pictures are not impressive. Tony Orlando would be happy to appear on any stage near you.

I have to leave this stuff on for five-to-seven minutes. I’m going for all the marbles, or both of them, depending on how you look at it. One minute to go, then shower time.

Note: I unconsiously wiped my hand on my leg. That should be interesting…

It didn’t work! Now I look like Otto von Bismarck or something. I think it all got caught up in the hair.

Okay. I’m going to do this again. It’s coming off, dammit! But first I need a trim. A very, very careful trim.

This might take a while.

All right. I’m now trimmed. And reapplied, lavishly. Time on my computer is 9:33. I’m leaving this shit on until quarter of.

Um, ladies, is it safe for me to be doing this? This stuff doesn’t eat flesh or something, does it?

OK, I’ve made the manditory stop at the accident sight. I’ve glance at the gore.

I’m now speeding off into the night, hoping to someday forget the terrible scene I’ve just witnessed.

Well, that sure as hell did the trick. One catastrophically clogged drain later, I am a new, less sweaty, man.

I’ve gone from Lewis to Rickles, Stalin to Lenin, Kirk to Picard. We’ll see if anything changes.

It’s like watching a newborn child. Do any of you have any idea how much these things move around of their own accord?

Janet Leigh!

Rustle, rustle

Barbara Bush!

Sag…

Heh! Kewl. Thank you all for participating in my little ceremony. I now go forth to face the world as a babe in the woods… with a constant partial erection. I promise you, the Teeming, one thing: no more bitching about how I haven’t had sex lately. Those days are over!

I know where you hang out and where you work. I’ll drop flyers off at the appropriate places, including Rhodeside. :smiley: What will that particular bartendress think then? :slight_smile:

Damn, it, dcnewsman! You’re not a rat, and this is not news. It’s just another run-of-the-mill Internet genital depilation story. It happens all the time. Don’t even try to blackmail me. Unless it’s just for a couple of beers, then, well, I guess I’m cool with that.