Cheap Thrills in the Monkey House

These two memos were in my in-basket this morning
Memo # 1
To: BobP
From: MichaelW
CC: LNix
Date 10/10/00

When we met in September one of my issues was how Rob Wilson addressed me. I
hope that you communicated my concerns and Rob heard you correctly.
On 10/10/2000, in the presence of Jason and Brian, Rob called me “darling” I
told Rob not to call me by that endearment.
If this persists, I will be forced to take appropriate action.

Memo# 2
To: BobP
From: DebG
CC: GaryW

I was highly offended, just now, to hear MichaelW stomping around
the office shouting “All my rubbers keep breaking. Cheap rubbers! What do
you have to do to get a decent rubber around here?” This was heard not only
by me, but also by Meredith, Rob and I assume anyone else around.
As you know, I am usually in early in the morning. Michael also comes in
early, and it is not unusual for his arrival to be followed by loud and
apparently unprovoked outbursts of profanity. As frequently it is just the
two of us here, this is causing me a great deal of consternation.
This type of language is offensive and unprofessional. I know that I can
count on you to see that it is curtailed.
WTF ???
I think everybody just needs to go to the time out chair until we have our snack. While we get out the nap mats this afternoon, boys and girls, we are going to talk about feelings
This is my life (sigh)

Is MichaelW by any chance British? If so, that might explain Rob’s address of him as an attempt at humor. You should probably also explain to DebG that “rubbers” are erasers. :rolleyes:

She probably knows that, the thing is DebG is RobW’s assistant. They are also having an affair (and by “affair” I mean banging one out in the backseat of her van after work) hence MichaelW attacks RobW and RobW’s lover/secretary attacks MichaelW. etc,etc,etc… and yeah,:rolleyes: about sums it up.

“He’s looking at me!!! Make him stop looking at me!!! MOOOOOOOOOOM!!!”

Don’t adults deal with their own issues? My butt-head cube mate has an annoying .wav he insists on playing just to get a rise out of me. After asking him to cut it out to no avail, I’ve chosen to ignore him, knowing that he’ll get bored with it soon. Of course, true justice would be having the boss walk by when the idiot plays it… Ah, sweet reverie…


I have taken the liberty of preparing a response for you. I recommend you photocopy it several times and respond to these memos by simply attaching a photocopy to the original complaint and marking the original memo “Return to Sender.”

So you think you’ve been offended…

So, someone you work with called you “darling.” Or maybe you overheard someone down the hallway using some profane language. Or you might have even caught your co-worker looking at naughty pictures on the Internet. Regardless of the offense, you have chosen to write me about it and now this has become my problem.

To effectively treat this problem, I’d like to call on your sense of perspective. Perspective, according to the dictionary, is defined as “the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance.” In other words, perspective is the God-given gift that allows us to determine what is important, and what is a waste of my precious fucking time.

Perspective is what allows human beings to determine the relative importance of the following:

  • Dick called Jane “darling” (not a problem)

  • Dick unzipped his fly and smacked Jane in the head with his penis (a problem)

  • Diane overheard Jim complaining about a prophylactic that failed to meet his expectations (not a problem)

  • Jim brought the prophylactic to his office for “show and tell” (a problem)

  • Bill caught Nancy looking at some naughty pictures on the Internet (not a problem)

  • Nancy sent an e-mail to the entire office containing a JPEG of several underage girls and an 80-year-old man in an orgy with four basset hounds (a problem)

I thank you for your future exercise of your God-given sense of perspective. Now, please get back to doing whatever it is that we pay you to do around here before I have a conniption and reach for my axe handle.



Oh my, that is beautiful.

Oh bless your heart, THespos, that goes in the HR hall of fame.
The problem though is Dick called Mike “darling” and Mike is gay. Mike’s perception of this is… anyone?
Say it with me
ding,ding we have a lawsuit.

See, it’s stuff like this that made me leave the church.

Tell Mike to say, “Yes, sweetheart” to Dick. He’ll knock it off soon enough when the other guys in the office start harrassing him!


THespos, will you come to work with me? Pretty please? I work at the Post Office, where we do not have a sense of perspective that we are aware of. Nor will me allow any attempt at finding one, as we are on company time.

And Bunnygirl, I think “Cupcake” might be even better!