I’m curious how others would respond in this situation, because it’s the kind of thing that has quite the wide spectrum of possible reactions.
Short version: I was a last-minute replacement for a curriculum development meeting at the district office (I’m a 6th grade math and science teacher). They needed someone from my grade level to help write the pacing guide and assessments for the new math program we’ve just adopted. Problem is, I have never before laid eyes on the math program, while everyone else there was on the selection committee. I thought I was just there to help write the tests; being asked to create a calendar around the text was a far more daunting task…achievable and achieved (though I’m not yet happy with the product), but daunting.
I’m a perfectionist and organization freak–maybe that’s why I was asked to pinch hit?–but this means I grew increasingly overwhelmed and frustrated as directions and expectations were constantly changing throughout the day. While working on one thing, the head of the committee asked if everyone was finished, or if they knew what direction they were going in. I asked what specifically he wanted us to be working on; he described doing something other teachers were doing (news to me) using terminology I wasn’t familiar with (“Work on the benchmark matrix”). My confusion resulted in my asking more clarifying questions, “A what? So, wait you want…”
His reaction–and the point of this thread–was, “Wait, wait, waitaminute sweetie…”
My reaction was an internal :dubious: Sweetie?? …However, my focus was on getting the damn thing done, so I just set that aside and tried to figure out WTH the guy wanted. FWIW, he was stressed because the whole day kind of fell apart in some respects; the tests never got written and there was a lot of, “Wait, what?”
Wow, I’m surprised you were thrown into that cold; while the company I work for doesn’t do your state - it did one small project years ago as an audit, but not regularly - I’ve never known teacher representives at those meetings to not have been thoroughly briefed in advance. It must have been really confusing and stressful given that’s not vocabulary everyone has (for the record if your state uses the terms like most do: benchmark = find the range of scores and set standards for them using examples of student responses. matrix = a type of question given only to a subset of students rather than all of them like a “common.”) I can imagine a “sweetie” thrown in there really setting your teeth on edge.
But I doubt he really meant to be disrespectful. A few days ago the news showed Obama calling a reporter that, and it wasn’t meant as a put-down either. Some people, both men and women, call everyone whose name they don’t know (or can’t remember) that, and unless I have evidence that they do mean it unkindly, I assume they did it for that reason too.
It wasn’t terribly professional of him, but I imagine he was probably a little stressed because you should have been briefed by whoever put you in that room, and he assumed everyone was speaking the same language until you pointed out that you didn’t follow.
I’d respond with a light, “Uh, please don’t call me sweetie? So, anyway, this benchmark thing…” and move on. If, as is likely, I didn’t say anything in the heat of the moment, I’d let it drop. Unless it continued, and then I’d definitely say something.
It really depends on the context and the man. Someone like Sampiro calling me sweetie? I’d eat it up. Some guy who gave no indication that it was a harmless informality? Clobbering time.
A nervous guy in the middle of a really long, tough day. I’d let it go.
I call all my friends “sweetie” – I am reasonably confident but not positive that I have never called a coworker sweetie. Could just be a slip of the tongue. Let it go.
twicks, whose feminist credentials are firmly in place
Casual terms of endearment are one of those things that I’m never quite sure how to react to.
On one hand, most people using such a term are just trying to be nice and I really want to give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re not just calling me ‘sweetie’ because I’m a girl and girls are ‘supposed’ to be sweet and hey, girls probably like those little moments of verbal affection.
On the other hand, I am definitely not a fan of the practice - I don’t like non-friends/family people using pet names for me because it feels like something people usually do to children and I at least cringe internally when it happens even if I don’t say something (like 'I’d prefer it if you didn’t call me ‘sweetie’, ok?).
For me it depends on the situation, the person and the level of discomfort I experience upon hearing the term.
For instance, I didn’t say anything today when the petrol station attendant said ‘How’s your morning been, love?’ even though I don’t like being called love anymore than I do sweetie. Why? Because he’s probably just trying to get through the transaction and get on with his day at work, I don’t have to deal with him on a daily basis and he probably says something similar (but gender appropriate) to most customers.
If my boss or a colleague said it - frequently, once is no big deal - , I would probably ask nicely (and privately) that they not do that. Especially if they did it to me, but called male colleagues by their actual names.
I’d be curious to know how males react to the use of more male-oriented terms (like ‘buddy’ maybe? Are there male-oriented equivalents to ‘sweetie’ that I can’t think of?Buddy seems friendly-friendly while sweetie seems patronising-friendly). Maybe I’ll start a thread.
I hesitated to call my 18 year old granddaughter “Sweetie” in a text message this morning and we are Southern. It’s hard to know what’s appropriate anymore. Since you are in one of the professions and professional conduct is expected, I would have him know privately that no every woman finds that appropriate.
I also sympathize with you for being clobbered with the latest professional jargon. There is no excuse for that. If he is an educator, he should have known to check that everyone in the group was familiar with the terms used.
In this context, I would not like it. However, I probably wouldn’t say anything if it was just one incident (although I might try to make my feelings known by giving him the stinkeye).
Interestingly, I heard on the news this week that Barack Obama has been taken to task for using that exact word when speaking with women he encounters on the campaign trail, such as journalists. I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything by it, but it’s not terribly professional.
Ruffian, I probably wouldn’t even have noticed it here amongst all the 'sweetie’s and 'honey’s Southerners toss around at each other. It does seem a bit out of place in Cali, though.
Perhaps I should apologize as a proxy. I have a bad habit of calling female good acquaintances or colleagues who are my age or younger by terms of affection. Things like dear, hun, honey, sweetie, etc. It just comes out without any thought, and then I slap myself mentally afterwards. In my own state of mind it does not imply a lack of respect for capabilities nor untoward attraction (although it is likelier to happen with much younger women (I’m 40)) but merely a positive comfortable attitude on my part. It’s almost a paternalistic thing, as I’ve always had a self-image that is older than my real age. I do know paternalistic is also most often not good.
It has earned me dirty looks, and I’ve put a lot of effort into not doing it. Sometimes I still slip up.
If I had been the one to say it to you, I would probably right away be angry with myself and embarrassed I’d done it again. I would appreciate it if you approached me privately to ask me not to do it again. If you did, I would apologize, explain it didn’t mean anything except perhaps a certain favorable disposition towards you, and certainly not a lack of respect or consideration.
I don’t know if this guy is like that, but he might be. On behalf of us well-meaning “foot-in-mouthers”, could you please not write him off as a jerk until you’re sure he is one?
I would probably have informed him that “my name isn’t sweetie” before my brain could stop my tongue, unless he was a Southerner. It would depend a lot on his tone of voice, though. Some people drop the “honeys” and “sweeties” all over the place, some people don’t, and they use different tones.
Mind you, every time somebody calls me “mate” or “buddy” on the internet (including folks who’ve remarked they like my voice, I mean, they definitely know I’m female) I do a double take. It just feels so weird!
It sounded like a slip of the tongue. Everybody has a oops I didn’t just say that moment. As for the women that think not saying what is wrong and giving the guy sour looks will work, it won’t. You need to tell him at the time, he can’t read your mind. Had he said boy during that conversation with me, I would have let it pass as a brain fart.
“I beg your pardon?” is always good. It allows him to realize what he said and apologize if it was a slip - and for you to forgive graciously. It allows him to realize what he said and explain “oh, I’m so sorry, bad habit - I mean no disrespect.” Which you can accept graciously - and then decide if he is the type who does casually use “sweetie.”
Passing once or twice is also good, but if it bugs you, don’t let it pass more than that. Well intentioned people feel like asses if you allow it to go on and they find out it bugs you - and jerks should’t be allowed to get away with it.