Cheating in relationships

In My Humble Opinion
81

I have been the Other Woman, and I have been cheated on.

Like gfloyd, I was desperately in love with the guy - the first man I ever fell in love with - and he played me like a kazoo. He was “married” (as in: no ceremony, no marriage license, but they called each other husband and wife), he wasn’t married. He loved me. He didn’t know what to do. He encouraged me to see other men. He treated me coldly when I did. He told me I was beautiful and special. He told the rest of the office that I’d given him head in his car in the parking lot. Yeah, I was pretty messed up over it, and it took me months after I dumped him to feel like I might survive.

I was cheated on by my boyfriend of a year and a half. Apparently my expectations that he should hold down a job and pay half the bills were so stressful that he could only find relief in another woman’s arms. The woman who was the girlfriend of his best friend. The best friend who expected me to have sex with him, because after all, that’s what friendship is all about. I had all the pieces put in front of me when I ended up having to go to the ER with abdominal pains and was told they were caused by a bout of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease caused by a trichomoniasis infection, an STD. I didn’t put the pieces together until about a week later - that I hadn’t had sex with anyone but my boyfriend, so he must have given it to me, we’d both been tested when we’d gotten together, so he must have gotten his infection recently, therefore, he must have been cheating on me.

To top it off, the male friends I’d had in common with my boyfriend and his best friend, knew what was going on but didn’t tell me and within a week of the breakup were hitting on me.

Issues? Yeah, you could say so.

82

Well first of all, just because something is “natural” don’t make it ok. Taking a shit is natural. I don’t just up and shit on my desk at work.

But other than that, you are pretty much right. But some guys are selfish assholes. They like having a sure thing around just in case they don’t get lucky. I’m not justifying it. Just stating my oppinion as I see it.

Oh I know that. I’m not saying that anyone who can does sleep with as many women as they can. What I’m saying is that some people are only as faithful as their options. I have to think that a nice guy who always finds himself as the “friend” might not take his SO for granted while another guy who never has trouble meeting women might have more of a “there’s always other fish in the sea” attitude. For someone like that, they might care about being faithful to their SO about as much as they care for being faithful to a regular golf buddy. Yeah he might get pissed if you go golfing with someone else one weekend but whatever. There’s plenty of golfers out there.

83

I think I already covered that.

84

Thanks, Push. You are eching my ex’s sentiments and you’ve even corrected me–she was sorry she hurt me. She told me that when it was happening she was thinking, “Inigo can’t find out about this, it’d kill him!”

Which leads to my next question: Knowing how much hurt you will be exposing your SO to, how can you proceed with the other person? How is that not equivalent to calmly smashing their face with a baseball bat? Frankly I’d have preferred the bat! It wouldn’t have disabled me for nearly as long. Is the cheater simply so self absorbed that he can’t end the old relationship before proceeding with the new one? If the cheater is hoping they won’t get caught, isn’t that like taking all the lug nuts off their SO’s wheels and hoping they won’t drive until they are put back on?

The question I can never get a satisfactory response to is: at what point is it OK to expose someone you love so deeply to the potential for this kind of hurt? Or o you simply not love them at the time? Mrs. Montoya said that, at the time, she hated me. Does that sound familiar to your experience?

85

Not at all. Like I said above… I loved my SO very much. It doesn’t change that fact at the time I was ruled by want. I had an itch to scratch in the simplest form. It’s selfish…and you know what? I’m not living my life for anyone else at this point.

86

[ricky “wild thing” vaughn]
Want me to take him outside? Beat the shit outta him?
[/ricky “wild thing” vaughn]

87

I can’t imagine wanting to look for a new relationship when you already have one, and therefore are under no obligation to be looking. But then again I hated dating (and any activity where making a good first impression is important) with the white-hot intensity of 10[sup]11[/sup] suns.

Unknowingly dated a married man once, was utterly and completely horrified (and never spoke to him again, and would be strongly tempted to run over him with my car if I saw him now) when I found out. I don’t think I’ve quite forgiven myself, even now almost ten years later. I certainly didn’t date again for a fairly long time after that.

88

I haven’t cheated, never been cheated on, and will not knowingly help someone else cheat*. Some people say, “I’m not part of their commitment to each other”, or “I never promised not to hurt her,” so that makes it okay to sleep with her SO? Nope, the way I look at it, by helping him cheat I have become a part of their commitment, just not a happy part. I also don’t have to have promised someone not to hurt them, in order to not cause them pain.

There are two main reasons why I won’t be involved in cheating-- it’s not honest and it’s hurtful. That’s one more reason than I believe should be neccessary to decide not to do such a thing. However, not cheating isn’t really a big sacrifice for me. I think I’m just wired to want one guy until I don’t want him anymore, or he doesn’t want me, and then we part ways. I don’t look around at other guys when I’m already with someone, so I’m not tempted and therefore don’t cheat. No overlap of relationships, no side journeys.

A couple of people have mentioned they felt bad when they found out they’d unknowingly been the other man or woman. I’ve got to say I don’t see why you should feel that way, though I can understand that you do. I for one, wouldn’t fault you unless you jumped into bed with someone, making sure you wouldn’t find out they were already involved. I hope that doesn’t happen too often, but this thread has me wondering.

*I’ve been falsely accused though. The guy told his friends he’d been with me, one of them told the girlfriend, she came at me screaming and flailing. The weasel never admitted lying and she probably still sticks pins in a little doll that looks like me.

89

Did you go out with my friend’s old girlfriend? :smiley: Exactly the same story, except they were together for a couple of years.

Still, that was how they met. He didn’t know she was cheating, and after she decided he was OK, then she dropped the previous boyfriend and moved in with my friend. She got a new BF, and then dumped my friend, (moving in with New Guy), which took him a while to recover from. It was apparent that there were issues with New Guy, so we had a bet on how long it would be before she came back to my friend. I said 4 months, my friend said 2, so we split the difference and bet a dinner at an Indian restaurant. At 3 months, my friend conceded the bet, since he didn’t want to call and verify (“Hi. So, how’s it going? Still together? No, just calling to see how you’re doing”). The funny thing is that she emailed him the following week and wanted “to talk.” Seems like there were problems with NG and wanted to see if my friend would still take her back.

He was tempted to email back telling about the bet, but took the higher road and just said no thanks.

90

Sure; why shouldn’t they?

91

First of all, may I please comment on the irony of someone calling himself “Semper Fi” admitting to cheating? Yes, I know it’s the motto of the U.S. Marines, but I also know what it means in English. No offense intended.

I’ve never cheated; I never been cheated on; and I’ve had the opportunity to be the other woman, but declined. On the other hand, I’ve nothing against open relationships.

I hold myself to some very strict moral standards, which include keeping my vows and the promises I’ve made. If I’ve promised to be faithful to someone, I am morally obligated to keep that vow. By the same token, if someone else has made a commitment to another person, be it marriage or a committed relationship, I am obligated not to help that person break his vows.

I’m afraid I don’t have a high opinion of people who cheat in relationships. It’s doing willful, unnecessary harm to another human being and, what’s worse, a human being one presumably cared about at least at one point. I’ve seen working open marriages; it took a long time to wrap my head around the concept, but I’ve seen them do well when all parties involved are playing by the same rules. It may seem like I’m splitting a hair; I may be splitting a hair, but I don’t see promises being broken if one’s partner consents, if that makes sense.

On the other hand, several years ago, I met a guy at a weekend get-together who I had a great time with. We wound up in each others’ arms at midnight doing bad Boris and Natasha accents from Bullwinkle and I regretted leaving before I could give him my phone number. I’d just fallen in with a new crowd where, for the first time in my life, I was realizing I did qualify as attractive and fun and men could actually be interested in me. A few months letter, he and I were at another get-together run by the same group and he more or less attached himself to me. The friends who’d introduced me to this group were keeping a close eye on me to see if I was all right with this and I was. I also asked around to see if there was anything I should know about him. There was. He was married. No, he didn’t tell me this himself. My ardor cooled as quickly as if it had been dropped into a vat of liquid nitrogen. Being fairly socially inept, I avoided him as much as possible for the rest of the day and, on Sunday, I told him why I was no longer interested in him. He told me I was the most wonderful woman he’d ever me, that he loved me like he’d never loved anyone else, and that I was the only woman in the world for him. :rolleyes: I told him, coldly, “Tell that to your wife.” A few years later, I became friends with a woman who’d been married to him, although before this happened (that was apparently a different wife). She congratulated me on my escape and we remain good friends.

I prefer my friends be honorable. How can you be honorable if you’re breaking promises you made to someone else? That’s not an insult. It’s a genuine question, albeit a naive one, probably.

Respectfully,
CJ

92

Maybe they should and maybe they shouldn’t. I bet all the cheaters here were once “never”-sayers as well.

93

I’ve cheated twice… and don’t regret it. Both times were impulsive. I never was looking for anything. I imagine I wasn’t cheated upon.

I think having the desire to do so… and not doing it might eat me up more than just doing it. I regret more what I’ve NOT done than the things I’ve mucked up. Naturally my GFs never knew about anything.

Cheating indiscretely exposes the SO in a very bad way… cheating sequentialy and frequently with different women is much worse… it means a failed relationship as opposed to an easy but uncommon adventure. I had a fling or two and it helped me know what I wanted in those current relationships.

Naturally I’d rather my GF didn’t cheat… but I assume she had her reasons or not… and would act accordingly. In a perfect world we wouldn’t be discussing this topic… but we don’t live in a perfect world… nor will I demand such from myself.

94

[Hijack]It’s hard not to believe in Karma. Since he hooked up with my woman his brother has been diagnosed with lukemia and subsequently hung himself in the basement, his wife has left him and taken their kid, his house has foreclosed and his car has been repossessed. I told him it’s the curse of Mrs. Montoya (suicide, cancer, financial disaster all seem to accompany her)–he has to take the bad with the good and gave him the Evil Laugh. He’s also on his 3rd job since January. And yet…I think he does need to be taken outside and beaten. So yes. I want that.

95

See, this is something i’ve never understood.

If i found out my wife had been cheating on me, i’d be angry at my wife, not at the other guy (unless the other guy was a friend, of course).

Blaming the third party in these situations seems completely irrational and counterproductive to me.

96

I envy those “never” folks who can be so positive that they know exactly how they will behave under every possible future circumstance. Must be nice.

For me, I’d managed to maintain a strict “no married men” policy for over 49 years. I’ve had warm platonic friendships with many married men during that time, so I didn’t realize that being friends with this particular guy was dangerous – until I was head over heels for him.

Shit does, indeed, happen.

97

So let me test my understanding.

I’ve read people saying that they knew their SO would be hurt by their cheating, but that they wanted to so they did it anyway - regardless of the hurt they knew they would cause. They term this behavior as “selfish”.

Eh.

No.

Not “selfish”. Selfish is taking the last cookie in the jar or always demanding to be the center of attention. Deliberately behaving in a way you know will hurt a person you purport to care for isn’t selfish, it’s abusive.

“I know it will hurt if if I hit you with this brick, but I want to, so I’m going to. Oh, my goodness, how selfish of me!” Would you punch your SO in the face if she didn’t let you eat that cookie you wanted? No? Why are you willing to make your SO pay in pain for your moment of pleasure then?

I’m unwilling to argue whether monogamy or polyamory or serial monogamy or any of the staggering variety of sexual behavior patterns available is the “natural” one. For purposes of discussing cheating, it’s irrelevant. A big, fat crimson herring.

“Cheating” occurs when one partner violates a promise to the other. Either an implicit or explicit promise - and if you’re going to attempt the “but I never actually said we were exclusive! My SO just assumed that and I let them!” argument, just don’t - deliberately manipulating your SO’s assumptions to get what you want is equally deceptive. It’s about lying and deceit and betrayal. If you don’t think monogamy is the natural choice - or the correct one for you, personally - then by all means say so. To your partner. At the beginning of the relationship - not after you’ve already started cheating (or have gotten a golden opportunity to do so). If you agree to monogamy and then violate your promise, don’t try to cover it up with psuedointellectual masturbation by saying “Oh, but monogamy isn’t natural!”. That would officially be not the point. The point would be you broke your word - or you lied to your partner in the beginning - without considering their pain. Or by deciding that your pleasure is worth inflicting pain on them.

For me, cheating isn’t really about the urge (or even the actual behavior) to have physical intimacy with another person. It’s about the betrayal of trust and the inevitable lying and deceit. I don’t care if my SO occasionally has the desire to have sex with other people - it would be unreasonable of me to assume that all his desires are centered on me forever. If he’s willing to lie to me and break the promises he’s made to me to get it, that’s another story.

I expect my friends - and most especially my SO - to be honest and considerate people. I expect those close to me to refrain from hurting me on purpose. In my turn, I will be honest and considerate and refrain from hurting them on purpose. It works both ways.

This is not even mentioning the very real point of “let’s not infect our partner with communicable venereal disease that could kill them or render them infertile” that is the inevitable corrollary of cheating. If I can’t trust you to honor your word, why the hell should I trust you with my life? If you can’t be arsed to take my well-being into consideration when deciding to bang anything that catches your eye, why should you be arsed to use protection every time?

This is not to say infidelity is always wrong - there are precious few absolutes in human interactions. But in the absence of further information detailing to me why in your specific instance betrayal, dishonesty and deliberate causing of pain were warranted, I am going to think less of someone who cheats. Nor will I trust them. Why should I? They’ve already demonstrated they are untrustworthy.

98

The thing is, in my book, you don’t have to act on that attraction. When I found out my would-be cheater was married, he was still attractive and charming, but my willingness to act on that attraction had changed. Among other things, in the months between our meetings, a family friend had left his wife of 40 years for a woman he’d fallen “madly in love with” and I was quite aware of the effect that had on her. To me, it wouldn’t matter how attractive or wonderful a man was; I wouldn’t want to put another human being through that, and I won’t. I’ve walked away from wonderful men before when I’ve learned they had girlfriends. While walking away one more time may hurt, damaging a marriage or hurting someone I may not even know would hurt far worse. It would be too difficult to face myself if I did that. Feelings are one thing and I can’t count how many times I’ve been in unrequited love, attraction, etc. Actions are another thing.

CJ

99

You’re a better man that I, Gunga Din.

100

Nah. Just a different set of faults and quirks.

CJ