By the way (takes a quick look down and tries to recall Gettysdope), aren’t we both female?! 
My cheating history is ancient history to me by now. I have learned my lessons.
When I was about 19, I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me for months with the same girl and most of our friends knew about it but never told me. I don’t know which hurt more, his betrayal, or my friends’. We broke up for a few weeks and I was literally ill. Then I went back to him (yes I was a glutton for punishment.) I guess I still harbored a lot of hatred for him though, because one night I cheated on him very openly in front of his friends, knowing that none of them would have the heart to tell him. I wanted him to be cuckolded just like I was. Then I broke up with him again a few weeks later and felt fantastic about it.
My biggest mistake was being the other woman with a married man. I was in it purely for fun, and when he told me he loved me I basically said, well don’t do anything drastic like leave your wife because I’m not that serious about this. He then went and confessed all to his wife who completely freaked out, understandably, and kicked me out of their house. My boyfriend at the time lived with them. We had an open relationship but I never told him about sleeping with his married housemate, so that was awkward.
Then there was the time I slept with one of my best friend’s boyfriend. We had only known each other for a few months and I happened to know she was cheating on him regularly with another guy. So I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal. I also felt bad about deceiving her so I confessed. It almost ruined our friendship, but we are still friends ten years later.
All these occurred within about three years of each other, and I was very selfish and wild and crazy back then. I can honestly say now that I would never cheat on my boyfriend now, after knowing what it feels like and what it does to relationships. I wouldn’t want to be the cause of such pain. Cheating just isn’t worth it to me no matter how horny or flirty I feel.
Thank you. I’ve tried to say exactly that a hundred times, but you managed to say it perfectly.
Well, in your friends’ defence, they were in an almost-impossible situation here.
Sure, maybe they should have told you, but i’ve seen cases where friends did, in fact, tell the aggrieved party, only to be subjected to a “shoot the messenger” mentality. If they don’t tell, then they are bad friends; if they do tell, then they might end up being blamed anyway. It’s not an enviable position to be in.
Aside from the fact that I love Alias dearly and her threat to tie something into a know that really shouldn’t be tied into a knot :eek: , there are a lot of other reasons why I couldn’t cheat.
1)Natural shyness. I’m fine and confident as long as things are just friends. When the flirty starts, I turn into a scared little bunny. That makes it really hard for things to progress
2)I’m a romantic. Love before sex and all that sappy crap. I’m just not the sort for a quick fling.
3)Assuming we’ve gotten past reasons 1 and 2, I’d rather just break up than try to make some stab at maintaining two relationships. I don’t have the time or energy for that sort of thing. I’m a lousy liar. I’d simply be really bad at it, so best to end things with one before moving on.
It’s simply not in me to cheat.
As am I. It’s how I’m wired. I have never cheated, and never will, regardless of the circumstances.
As others have suggested, you’re falling into a semantic trap. I am naturally monogamous. I therefore desire the same in a relationship. If I find myself with someone who isn’t, then I need to decide whether I screwed up by not making my desire clear, or whether I’ve simply been lied to. Other people, however, are different, and someone else who is not naturally monogamous who finds him- or herself with someone who is will be in a similarly introspective situation.
If you’re naturally monogamous, seek a matching partner. If you’re not, seek a matching partner. No moral judgment should be attached to either circumstance, and no moral failure should be assumed for someone who does not meet your standards, unless they specifically promise to behave a certain way and then do not meet this expectation. There’s no open-mindedness or closed-mindedness about it at all.
Although I’m sure someone can come up with a complex theory as to why they are not, these two statements appear to be basically contradictory. Could be that she really didn’t hate you, but there’s a decent chance the first statement was an after the fact throwaway lie to soothe you and not look like even more of a self-centered asshole. Could even be that your finding out about it was unconsciously intended.
Not a fan of cheaters, not a fan of the bullshit they spin to explain why. Get some fucking discipline, and don’t peddle your stories of why you broke one of the most sacred promises a person can make.
To each their own… I found it sanctimonious, faulty and… well how can I take it seriously when she guts her statements at the very end by not having the brunswicks to condemn all infidelity? She won’t say it’s always wrong but she will toss under the bus anyone who has.
Bullshit.
Interesting. Appears you and I are complete opposites in our opinions in this matter. Except in the idea that “Brunswicks” is a pretty cool euphamism.
Really the only way I can come close to wrapping my head around this is to force myself to realize that some people on this planet think it’s OK to hang a 12 year old for maybe being gay, other people like Chihuahua dogs, others will drink rancid yak butter tea, and still others will claim to need SUVs in a lifestyle that never sees snow or unpaved roads. Just different takes on right and wrong I guess. Still, in all of the above situations, as well as the topic at hand, it’d be nice if my “absolutely correct” preference didn’t have to clash with someone elses’ which is also absolutely correct. Which is really just a backhanded way of saying I wish Push, and not me, was married to Mrs. Montoya when she exercised her absolutely-correct-for-her sense of flexible ethics. And I wish that it were possible for the REALLY honest people to avoid those who only are honest for now. Until their promises get a little uncomfortable. Then they maybe don’t mean them anymore. Not for a few hours at least, then they’ll dust off their halo and put it back on. Bah. Who am I trying to kid?
Nothing but a bunch of lame weak-willed, self-serving whores. To hell with all liars and cheats, says I. There is No Way In Hell I would cheat on my spouse. Scoffing at non-cheaters (not you, Push) for saying “Never” is nothing but a lame attempt to lessen the horror you’ve put someone else through. Cheaters do NOT deserve a break from knowing that horror any more than a child rapist or con-man needs protection from seeing the devastation they wreak on others’ lives. It’s a disgusting abuse of another human being’s trust and affections and that is NEVER a good thing. Eat your slop, pigs. I’m a human, it’s not on MY menu and don’t you* dare * try telling me it is!
One of the things I obsessed about after I had my soul crushed was the similarity between the words adultery and adult. Perhaps one day this will lead me to the thought that grown-ups cheat, that’s how the worls is and I should just get over it, but until that time, there is one man out there whom I would wish to murder on sight.
And yes, I think its perfactly rational to hate “the other man” Seeing as I didn’t love him in the first place it makes much more sense to focus my rage at the situation upon him, rather than the XSO, seeing as I still very much love her, as sad as that is. 
I never have and never will.
It took me 37 years to find the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I thought it might never happen, but it did, and it’s working out better than I could have hoped for. You can bet your Brunswicks that I am not going to do anything to fuck it up. No matter what kind of incredible temptress I might encounter, cheating on my wife is something I could not bring myself to do. It would cost me everything I have. I’ve had nothing before. I have something now. There is no way I’m going back. I know how to keep it in my pants. If more men knew how to keep it in their pants… well, you know the rest.
I figure if you have a ‘never gonna happen’ mindset, you’re more likely to be successful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashes, Ashes
*I’ve been falsely accused though. The guy told his friends he’d been with me, one of them told the girlfriend, she came at me screaming and flailing. The weasel never admitted lying and she probably still sticks pins in a little doll that looks like me.
Oh, she smacked the heck out of him. Luckily, I was with big, tall friends and she re-considered the wisdom of her plans.
You’ve talked me down from the edge Inigo. I near conviced that I was being very naive. Thanks. 
Just to clarify my “must to be nice to say ‘never’ remark” – I’ll repeat my original report, which is that I have been cheated on, I have never cheated, but I have been the other woman.
I value fidelity highly, and truly can’t imagine cheating on an SO – but I also couldn’t imagine falling in love with a married man. Because I’ve been cheated on, I know how much it sucks, and I would never do that to another woman. Never. Ever. And I’m 50 years old, and I’ve never been married, and I’ve had a lot of friendships with married men, and always managed to keep them, yanno, friendly. And I would never, ever put myself in a position where I just didn’t give a shit about the other woman.
As I said, shit happens. I allowed it to happen, and god knows I’m not proud of it, but it did, in fact, happen. Despite my having said “never.”
Ahhh… this is one of those clever tricks where you win an apparent default victory now by implying that the “never”-sayers are just latent “awww, why the hell not”-sayers, whereas the “never”-sayers only get to reclaim the victory at some point in the distant future by dying without having cheated.
I don’t particularly like that arrangement; when I got married, I vowed ‘I will’ (not ‘I do’), and I meant it.
I would say the opposite, actually. I think that if we think of ourselves as above the possibility of error, we make ourselves more vunerable; it’s hubris. If you think of yourself as just being the sort of person that would never cheat, never, no question, you are not going to be as careful about avoiding the near occasion of sin, as my mother would call it. I think this is what Twickster is getting at: my impression is taht because she thought of herself as the sort of person who would “never” cheat, her growing emotional intimacy with a married man seemed innocous, until that emotional pull was suddenly so strong that it took superhuman strength to resist.
Again, it’s pride that assumes that when other people falter it’s always because they are weaker than you, not because they were in situations you’ve been lucky enough to avoid.
I do know how much it hurts. My daughter’s father cheated on me with several different girls, including our fourteen year old neighbor. (He was twenty then.) I said I would never never never do such a thing.
Years later, I was married to someone else. There came a point when we hated each other. He didn’t want a divorce because then he would have to find another woman to support him while he drank and played video games. I didn’t dare ask for a divorce because I was afraid he would hurt me. (And as I said above, those fears were well-founded.) Then I fell in love with someone else. Then I cheated on my husband. I don’t feel guilty about it at all.
I think there’s a world of difference between that situation and someone who gets married, but keeps their options open in case something better comes along.
Actually, although I’m not a big believer in divorce (because it’s too easy and convenient today), I’m not an absolutist with regard to that. I don’t have as much of a problem with someone who says, before the affair, I hate you, I want a divorce, and if you don’t let me out, I’m going to sleep with other people. Of course there has to be justification for wanting the divorce - physically abusive asshole is one of the few times I see such justification.
Still not right, but not nearly the breach of trust of some of other scenarios here.
I personally don’t see my ‘never’ as being based on strength, but rather, understanding that I am weak, I will be tempted and being prepared for that, by consciously avoiding certain situations and deciding that I will definitely say ‘no’ in others, even if it hurts me to do so. - Ultimately, this is a domain over which volition can be exercised (notwithstanding gun-to-head hypotheticals).