Check your damned voicemail!

To get this pitting off on a solid foundation, a little background.

I work in a monitoring station for alarm systems - burglar alarms, fire alarms, hold up alarms, temperature sensors…etc. In a given evening I make hundreds of telephone calls, and more often than not I reach voicemail instead of the person I need to talk to. So I leave a message with the information the person needs to have.

That said, on to the pitting…

By the warty balls of the Lord of Hell, check your fucking voicemail! I realize your phone has caller ID. Simply calling the number displayed on your screen and saying “you called me?” makes me want to reach through the telephone and snatch out your vocal cords, you idiotic piece of shit! In addition to the monitoring station, there are other departments in the building - service, sales, billing, and so on. All of these departments are equipped with telephones.

“You called me?” Am I a fucking mind reader that I can tell who you are by the sound of your mumbling voice? Throw me a crumb here, twatwaffle, give me a clue. Telling me your name would help. Playing 20 questions with you is a very large waste of my time, especially when there are alarms to dispatch.

“You called me?” The number we called would help, cretin. Anything to help separate you from the hundreds of others I and others have called tonight.

Checking your voicemail would be a good first step, you ignorant mouth-breather. All the information you need is contained in that message. Then if you need to call you will know who to ask for and what to ask.

You stupid, lazy assholes. I hate to think someone’s house is being robbed or burning down while I play “guess who I am” with some turd who has the IQ of a houseplant.

Thanks. I know it won’t do any good, but I feel better.