First of al to satisfy those of you from the UK, I’m assuming Northern Ireland and the Channel Island does not have a chef represented so does that make it better when they use “Team UK” and “Team Britain” interchangably? There is so much manufactured drama on this show it is unbelievable.
Fist leg (and are they having all of the legs in the US?) has the teams starting in Santa Monica and having to earn their way to Las Vegas.
Team UK goes to a radio station that can’t help them so they decide that they should go in and disturb the workers to find a cooking gig. Those of you that work in business, how common is it after a door is basically slammed in someone’s face for them to come in and solicit business and not only are the cops not called, they just happen to have a barbeque that they would love you to cook at. Team US decides to solicit on the street and just happens to find two women that would love for them to barbeque for them and their homosexual couple buddies. Lost in all of this was that both teams originally planned to split up into two groups but strangely, both teams have all 8 members there. I guess there were only two homes in all of Santa Monica that was looking for 8 stranger chefs to grill for them.
After Team UK burns their meat on the grill (they only had $100 worth of food but strangely all of the guests got perfectly cooked food after the meat bonfire) all get a good night’s sleep because of course the radio station had tents set up in the backyard and the homosexual had a spare bedroom for the cute Brit (and I guess the rest of the team). Now they have to go to Calico 2hr 30 min away. The US team heads straight off but the UK team decides to serve authentic English tea at a restaurant. In the most realistic part of the show and the only part that wasn’t contrived, they end up only making $30. Probably because if the countdown were accurate (I not guaranteeing it is), they served the tea an hour after breakfast. Of course serving tea, the UK Team met a lady with a van that coincidently:
- Would be willing to drive them to Calico. I lived in California most of my life and made the LA => LV run numerous times. NO ONE will just happen to go to Calico for you.
- The van looked like a white “Chef Race” van and convienently held 8 passengers.
Both teams get to Calico on time although by my calulation going by the Chef Race countdown clock, Team UK would have had only an hour to go the 150 miles to the checkpoint. Since it is the US, the challenge is gear towards American cuisine and <yawn> the Americans win. So how to get to Vegas? Team US gets to ride in a Chef Race van. Luckily for Team UK there just happens to be a taxi there.
Fellow Dopers, I don’t know how many of you are familiar with Calico but it is ghost town that almost nobody visits anymore. It is 10-15 miles outside of Barstow which is known for its outlet stores and where you get fast food on your LA - LV run. It is in the middle of the Mojave Desert. All hyperbole aside, there is no way, 100% absolute that there is no taxi ever sitting in Calico that “just happens” to be there. If the producers were honest and said, “As the winner Team US get a free ride and Team UK needs to pay for the taxi we hired for them.” I could go with that but it is presented as Team UK being stranded except through a Christmas Miracle this deus ex machina is there.
So in Las Vegas, Team US has a lead on a Asian couple that wants to throw their daughter a 21st birthday/cocktail party in their hotel room. The hotel room is about as large as my living room and very spartan. It looks like the sort of hotel room you get whe you are trying to do aweekend in Vegas on a $200 budget. The family loves the food and starts pulling out hundred dollar bills. That’s right, they have hundreds of dollars to throw down on some sushi and they are staying in a ghetto Vegas hotel on their daughters’ 21st birthday.
Team UK had a lead on a barbeque party at some house in Vegas (of course). Now as both Brits and Americans remember from their history books, we fought the American Revolution mainly because George III in one of his prophyria-induced deliria wanted to ban all barbeque and grilling in the colonies. We said, “Fucketh that!” and started shooting anything wearing a red coat. Now we see why he was so against grilling as the Brits decide charred meat is not enough of a clusterfuck so one of them decides to pass out while cooking the food. The problem compounded the issue that apparently in Britain a “neighborhood” block party consists of enough food for the entire shire and in America at a block party you’re lucky if 3 neighbors show up. Oh those wacky Brits and their zany antics.
So at the challenge three chefs are chosen:
- The belligerent chef. Because he is older and male-er than the females believe he is best chef. In a surprising twist, he is the one that made all of the bad decisions.
- The sassy chef. She’s 19 and has a chip on her shoulder. Just because she’s young, an apprentice and has a vagina, she has been put down all of her culinary life - but she just may be the best damn chef that team has. <string music swells as we all dab our eyes a bit>
- The Silence (Doctor Who reference). I swear if she were not on the screen I would forget all about her.
The belligerent chef makes a meh meal but Li’l Miss Sassy makes a meal that could be searved at London’s Fat Duck restaurant (the colonists reading this may have to look up that reference). In a final irony, the old, wizened female chef purposely cooked the worst meal so that Sassy would stay and get her chance. What Silence didn’t know - couldn’t know - was that Sassy made the best meal and was safe. <shakes fist at the sky> OH FATE! WHY MUST YOU PLAY SUCH CRUEL GAMES?!