Chickiverse

As much as I’d like to, I can’t claim the thread title as a word I’ve coined. BrainGlutton is the one who used it in a recent thread in GD.

What exactly would you say the Chickiverse is like? Who’s in charge of the universe, the government, etcetera? What’re the people like? Feel free to add more questions that would be pertinent.

In the Chickiverse, there are only three kinds of people:
-Virtuous saints, chiefly recognisable by their lack of facial expression
-Pointlessly evil and wicked sinners, recognisable chiefly by their bumpy faces
-People who have never heard of God.

In the Chickiverse, gremlin-style demons lurk invisibly at the shoulder of the aforementioned pointlessly evil and wicked sinners.

If you mean “Chickiverse” as in the universe as it exists in chick flicks, then:

All cute guys are just bad enough to be exciting and sexy, but not so bad that they can’t be turned around by the right woman.

If “Chickiverse” means something else, then I got nothing.

I took it to mean the universe as perceived in the cramped conditions of Jack Chick’s brain.

:smack: Oh well, nevermind then. That’s what I get for not going into GD. I retract all previous posts in this thread.

In the Chickiverse, the grand existential battle of all creation, upon which the eternal fate of the universe and everyone in it hangs, narrows down to conflicting urges in your brain. The desperate selfless saviours of the One True Church, guardians and guides of the way to God, do their best to pull people away from the Fires of Damnation, but ultimately they are hamstrung by the fact that the real struggle takes place in someone else’s head.

People must get headaches a lot.

Also, on exposure to the surprising news that God exists, one of three things will happen within a very short space of time:
-They become a virtuous saint with not much facial expression
-They become a pointlessly evil and wicked sinner, with a lumpy face
-They die, horrifically and they are gaily tossed into the flaming pit for all eternity.

Oops… I forgot to say that the above applies to persons of type 3 (have never heard of God).

Where do the male porn stars fit into this scheme?

I think you’ll find they have lumpy faces.

Evil Folk Deride you with a simple “HAW HAW HAW!”

There are an inordinate amount of exploding truck accidents.

Homosexuals want to recruit you or beat the living hell out of you for the petty crime of calling them Evil sinners.

Muslims are merely pawns of the Catholic Church lead by the evil Pope.

Jews are only Christian’s in waiting they just don’t know it yet!

Catholics are behind all the evils in the world acting on Satan’s behalf.

Teachers who spread teh word of Ebvolution can be flustered and thwarted with pseudoscientific nonsense and not only that but your classmates will appreciate you standing up to disrupt the class and will want to learn more.

If you are a non believer you fall into either unawre, misinformed or deliberately evil. There is no room for peopel who have heard the word and have neithert dropped to their knees nor cursed the guy giving the message.

Have I missed anything?

I figure it’s just like the Bushverse, except with more Jesus and less money.

I got it from FriarTed.

Actually this is equally true in Jack Chick’s universe. Except that the woman is quoting the bible.

That was my first thought too, but I thought a little bit farther. The first thing I thought of was that line from Airplane II, where the woman being interviewed on a talk show says, “If this flight had been run by vegetarian women rather than meat-eating men…”

Every single one of you is going to Hell. I’ll meet you there.

In Chickiverse Heaven, lives are always playing on giant plasma screens in outdoor movie theaters. However, they never draw much of a crowd–usually, just a couple of bored-looking angels.

When my time comes, I’m going to fill the house. I’m hiring Joe Eszterhas to punch up my life.

Here’s one: Cain killed Abel out of religious jealousy, because God found favor with Abel’s offering (a lamb) but not Cain’s (fruits of the soil). The Bible doesn’t say why. A comic-book version I read as a kid said God was pleased with Abel’s “humble offering,” but not with Cain’s, offered in “pride and self-satisfaction.” A Medieval mystery play I was in, in college, portrayed Abel as offering his lamb piously and enthusiastically, and miserly Cain grudgingly offering God a single stalk of wheat. There’s also the interpretation that the story is about early conflicts between pastoralists (Abel) and agrarians (Cain). (We’ve seen that story played out again recently in Darfur, with Abel taking his vengeance in the person of the Janjaweed Militia.)

In the Chick version, from his Crusader Comics series, Cain tries to pull a fast one on God by offering him vegetables. Abel knows the sin of their parents demands a blood sacrifice in atonement.

In the Chickiverse, the correct interpretation of any ambiguous point of Scripture is generally the bloodiest interpretation possible.

In the Chickiverse, people who have never heard of Jesus nonetheless accept Biblical quotes as authoritative.

Also, Dungeons & Dragons is merely witchcraft, and one can really learn to cast spells, even if it’s merely the work of demons trying to lead one into witchcraft.

Also, the demons go to ridiculous lengths to get people to go to Hell, despite it being ridiculously easy for people to end up in hell.

Also, in the Chickiverse, evil evolutionists still use the Piltdown Man in their teaching.

Actually, I don’t think that’s true.