Child behaviour problem - please help!

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’m a firm believer in having a few mantras that your child hears over and over (backed up with behavior that bears them out, of course). Here are the ones we’ve used:

Whining doesn’t work.
Parents always win.
It’s nice to be smart, but it’s smart to be nice.

The first two sound like they might help you - but only if you proceed to demonstrate that they are indeed true - whining DOESN’T work.

The advantage of repeating exactly the same phrases over a long period of time are numerous - for one thing, your kid gets the message: this is what is important. Secondly, it makes it easy to follow - you can just say, in a matter-of-fact tone “You know the rule in our family: whining doesn’t work. We’re leaving now and that’s that.” No screaming needed, and I think it helps the parent to feel grounded as well (there might have been times when I was tempted to be swayed by whining, but I knew the family rule: whining doesn’t work).

One thing I’d like to clarify though - you say this is a new/intensified behavior that seems to be related to his parents’ separating? If the link is clear, than the best thing you can do for him is provide loving discipline and boundaries.

On the other hand, if he has always been unusually fragile, and you don’t think that parenting styles have contributed to it, you might want to have him evaluated by a pediatric specialist just to make sure there is not some developmental concern present that you should know about.

22

Discipline.

That’s the key. Discipline. Discipline.Discipline. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline. For the child’s sake as well as yours.

We’ve taken Jimmy home from restaurants when he’s throwing a tantrum and won’t stop and he’s only 3. The next time we were at that restaurant, he started to wind himself up, and we said “Do you remember what happened last time? Do you want to have to leave without supper again?” He quieted right down. Amazing, ain’t it? Discipline. Punishment when appropriate. Praise and rewards the rest of the time. Letting your child control you is not doing him any favors, and you’re certainly not showing him “love”. Love sets boundaries and enforces them.

23

I have a niece who was appeased like you’re appeasing your son in the OP, and she grew up to be a 13 year old who throws tantrums. I don’t even want to be around her and haven’t for a long time, because she was such an unpleasant child who never got the discipline she needed. You’ve gotten lots of good advice in this thread so far; I just hope you have the figurative balls to actually follow through on it. My sister and brother-in-law never did; their threats were always empty, and it took my niece about 10 seconds to figure that out.

ETA: I also wanted to say be careful if you go to any child therapists. Don’t let them automatically put your child on medications when all he might need is firmer discipline. I can just see them diagnosing him with ADD, ADHD, autistic spectrum, and depression already. (Which is not to say he has these things, just that when all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.)

24

Father of six year old boy. Do not mollify, bribe, reason with or placate. You set the standards of behaviour, and as long as they’re reasonable seven years is old enough for him to meet them, and to realise that his bad actions will have bad consequences: you throw a tantrum, we go home now. Do not threaten idly, do not defer consequences: delayed punishment means he won’t associate the consequences with the behaviour. It may mean that you walk out of a restaurant, but you’ll only have to do it once.

25

Totally agreed. In fact, I almost didn’t even say anything about having an evaluation because kids are so overdiagnosed and overmedicated these days. The last thing anyone needs is a trendy label that can excuse unwarranted behavior and/or haunt your child in later years.

I decided to mention it just because … a SEVEN YEAR OLD throwing a temper tantrum? (And worse, the 13-year-old that featherlou mentions.) Yikes. Anything like that past 4 or 5 and one really does start to wonder what’s going on.

26

I do not think therapy for your child is in order. I think therapy for your family is in order. You may find that your child is expressing the dynamic in which he is living – possibly he is the only one in the house who can. This is too great a burden for a child of seven and he does not have any chance of understanding why he feels or does what he does.

There are a number of things that will help him learn to keep his feelings under control, but you need to remember this: in the end he has to do it himself. All the hard ass parenting in the world will not teach him that, it will only teach him that he is unable to control himself in the end. It’s a crutch and sometimes a crutch is necessary but use of one is not good long term plan. The long term plan is to help him find the techniques that work for him to keep his behavior under control when his feelings are running rampant.

However, implementing the long term plan is difficult in the best of times and well nigh impossible without help when the whole family is under stress. So I think family therapy is in order. Beginning with the two of you and then including him. Otherwise it just becomes more displacement.

27

IIRC, Marienee is an actual psychologist.

My sister was a psychologist who worked with troubled (VERY troubled) adolescents in a group home setting, and she said the same thing when describing her patients.

28

Oh, dear me, heavens no. I am a lawyer, if a displaced one. About a third of my practice was as a guardian ad litem in the last years of my practice though. So I have seen a number of situations where the child acts as a sort of scapegoat. In nearly every case the family is unable to see what is going on and understand it to be a problem belonging to the child. Which in a way it does – it is the child who is displaying the distress signals. But the distress signalled is not usually individual.

29

Ooooh, sorry. I knew you were a professional. Wrong profession. Oops.

Well, that IS what my sister would say. It drove her nuts, parents coming in to say “Fix this kid” and she’d meet with the kid & the kid made sense. Kid was rational. Meanwhile, the parents were having ALL KINDS of obvious problems that they never wanted to confront.

She got out of the field, my sister. Tired of it.

30

I don’t know that the OP is really in this group, obviously. But yes, the heart breaker when that is the case is that almost invariably the child is emotionally the strongest member of the family – too sane, in fact, to live with (or rationalize) an insane situation. So the parents may in that sense be proud of the child.

Only, if this is the case, that child does not remain the strongest for long, it is simply too much to ask. Even when the child volunteers for the duty as it were.

31

What changed? New teacher? Food full of additives? Did you move?

32

A temper tantrum at 7 or 13 is rare, but it happens. Especially after a long hard morning of first communion. He was probably just decompressing.

I also have an easy crier, she’s always been that way. It can be very frustrating, but it doesn’t work for her. She still has the same standards of behavior she needs to adhere to.

Be firm, be consistent, and don’t try to overcompensate because of the separation, that’s the last thing he needs.

33

This may seem mean but it’s not intentionaly mean. Can you see what you did? Bargaining, bribery and negotiating and THEN ignoring (you didn’t really ignore him did you…it was more you sat without talking to him for a minute or two) then you went back to bargaining etc again?

I’m sure a psychologist seems like the right answer but you and your child are experiencing something millions of children and parents have been through. (In my opinion) your child does NOT need a psychologist. He needs parents who will stick to their guns and prove their (obvious) love.

Tantrums are unacceptable behaviour in 3/4 yr olds, in 7 yr olds they are “WTF!”.

Scenario
Child: I want a licorice straw!!!
Parent: Hey mate I know you do but there are none left.
Child: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I want a licorice straw!
Parent: I know you do but they don’t have any. We can either eat here or go home but we don’t have licorice straws at home either.
Child: I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT A STRAW!!!
Parent: Ok we are leaving.

At that point there may be kicking and screaming and you may have to have a sandwich for dinner but someone just learnt that a hissy fit doesn’t work. In my experience 3 times is the charm but for many children once is enough.

Children are not stupid…in fact they are the opposite, they use the few skills they have gained that work on the people closest to them to the BEST of their advantage.

Your child has learned that mum and dad feel VERY bad about seperating and that because everything is not as it should be, mum and dad will give in to almost everything.

Mum and dad need to reamin staunch (it seems like you are working as a team), do NOT allow your child to do/have anything BECAUSE you are seperated. Guilt is an emotion easily milked by children.

Agree on a standard of behaviour and don’t waiver from that, because of your seperation you want to make exceptions, DON’T. In times of emotional uncertainty children need real boundaries.
If you and your ex don’t agree on the boundaries YOUR boundaries are the MOST important when the child is with you.

Children can be wrecked by divorce/seperation but they are wrecked by the adults reaction. All children need clear, firm rules that they can not manipulate.

34

The OP said he and his wife have separated, but are living in the same house. I suspect the situation at home must be fairly tense at times, and the kid could be picking up on that and reflecting it in his behaviour. solkoe, if you and your wife were angry at each other when your son had his first communion, even over trivial things like one person running late or fussing over something the other thought was inconsequential, that could account for your son’s behaviour. It doesn’t excuse it, but it may explain it. Sensitive kids do pick up on the emotions of people around them, and it’s particularly difficult when your parents are mad at each other and you don’t know why.

35

You are soooo right, the child is picking up and reflecting and acting on emotions between mum and dad but being “sensitive” is just another way of manipulating control.

I’m not saying that some children are not more sensitive to feelings of others then most but that very sensitvity can make it easier to read feelings and work feelings of parents, leading to expert manipulation.

I’m not a harsh parent, I never smacked my own child (he’s 16 now) but he certainly knew when no meant no, and he was marched out of a supermarket and had toast for dinner after a two-ish tantrum. Mark a firm line in the sand and never cross it…you won’t be sorry.

36

I am a divorced mother of 2 now adult boys. My Ex and I separated when they were 12 and 9. Both David and I made sure that the boys knew they were loved, not responsible for our separation, and most important, that David and I would continue to be their parents.

The boys always were given a choice, do you want this or that? When they are allowed to make their own decisions from a early age, it teaches them consequences, responsibilites, etc. Plus they also get to have some control, which is very important too.

We also did this with both my boys. It only took one time to have well behaved kids. That being said, if they are tired or cranky, leave them at home! Don’t set your kids up for failure, our job as parents is to help our kids succeed. That includes manners.

37

Do not accept unacceptable behavior. “The restaurant is out of licorice. You’ll get what you want to eat. Now stop it or we’re leaving. Right now everyone in the restaurant thinks you are a big pain in the butt, and I will not allow that.”

38

When the Hallkids were little there was one phrase which worked wonders. “Do we need to go to the ladies room?” Now, the Ladies Room is different than going to the bathroom. The bathroom is where you potty and wash your hands. The Ladies Room is where you get a “good talking to” or, if the talking-to doesn’t work, a spank. (A spank is a swat on the rear.) It went something like this…

First, be specific what is wanted. “Hallkid, I need you to put your napkin in your lap and use your fork to eat your food, not your fingers.”

Second, reminder. “Hallkid, napkin in lap and use the fork.”

Third, question. “Do we need to go to the Ladies Room?” If it got to this point, this usually nipped the behavior right away.

Next, was to silently get up and take child to Ladies Room (I suppose the Men’s Room would work just as well.) There, we entered a stall, where I would get right down eye level and sternly say, “Hallkid, I told you put your napkin in your lap and use your fork to eat your food. I expect it to be done. If we have to come back into the Ladies Room again you will get a spank, do you understand?”

The next instance was another trip to the Ladies room which resulted in another trip into the stall with a repeat of the expectation and a swat on the rear.

In over 20+ years of parenting three kids, I’ve only made that second visit to the Ladies room twice (once with Hallgirl2 and Hallboy).

I think it is very important to make it clear what you want–but quickly and directly. No, “Honey, you have to be quiet because the people eating their meals…blah, blah, blah.” Too much and kids tune it out. Two, I don’t believe in public humiliation of anyone, even a kid, which is why it’s the trip to the Ladies room (even though you can be heard by anyone else in the bathroom) and even into the stall. Plus, the stall makes it very intimate and heightens the sense of seriousness.

Most imporant though is do not whine to the kid. Do not bargin. Do not promise and do not threaten if you are not prepared to instantly carry through with it.

39

But…they’re NOT separated. They’re living together, under the same roof.

Can you imagine sharing a home with two people who are SUPPOSED to be in love with each other, but who in fact do not even LIKE (much less love) one another, and who are (for reasons that perhaps cannot be avoided) “faking it”?

I think that’s bound to bring about some aberrant behavior.

In fact, it’s reminding me a bit too much of my own disastrous childhood, so perhaps I should just bow out of this conversation. I will say it was a huge relief in my life, and honestly saved my sanity, when everything finally DID blow up.

40

Sounds like what I went through with my son. MY son was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. The truth is that the child cannot control himself or herself; logic, discipline, etc. do not work for that reason. Spent a lot of time in therapy, both to help him and for us to learn the best coping techniques. No medication was necessary, though.

http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder
http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/oddcd/oddcdpamphlet.htm

I had never heard of it before talking with the child psychologist. Like most others, I thought discipline was the answer. It is - you have to be consistent. You must set the boundaries ahead of time, but as a parent you also need to understand that when the meltdown occurs, the child is powerless to stop it and no amount of logic and reasoning will penetrate.

Anyway, that was my story. It might be worth visiting a child psychologist yourself.