I need help.
Suppose you had been married for five years and had two children ages 3 and 4. After five years of marriage you find out that your husband (who claimed to just need space) had moved in with another woman. This starts a divorce. Suppose the husband doesn’t pay child support regularly and the state hounds him for back childsupport. At this time he wants to sign over his rights. Since you are now remarried at this time, you ask for him to sign them over for adoption. He agrees. You pay for the entire process and think you are finally out of this problem. In less than one month the ex calls asking for visitation. Now it has been almost a year…and the ex’s new wife (the woman he moved in with) is now finding you online and reading an online journal you keep…which you now delete and abandon. She begs for dialog in the hopes that you will eventually let them see the kids again. What should you do?
A. Try to talk with her and make her understand your decisions so she will stop hounding you or calling the adoption “fraudulent”.
B. Tell them to bug off…if they’d wanted visitation they would have paid their child support.
C. Try to become friends with her in the hopes that it doesn’t bite you in the rear in the end.
D. Ignore them completely. After all, they forced you to make a new life and you should just carry on with it. Let them suffer in their consequences.
Or tell me what you would do if it differs from the above. I really need some viewpoints on this one. Thanks.
Hey, Wranglerette! Since this is largely an opinion question, it would get a better reception in IMHO. You should ask one of the mods to move it for you!
If the mods think it would be better in another area then they have my support to move it wherever they see fit. I am just in a pickle and need some other input on this. My stress level has hit the roof and I’ve been knee deep in this problem so much I just wanted a fresh opinion.
I vote for A, B and D.
Let me make sure I have this right.
He moved out, basically abandoning you and the kids, never paid child support, never came to see them, gave them up for adoption by their step-father, and now wants back in their life?
Sorry, Charlie. Tell him and his new wife to go get stuffed.
Off to IMHO. And I’m gonna put something more descriptive in the title. Generic statements like yours do not typically garner a large number of views or replies.
1.) Contact a lawyer, to find out what your rights are. (It was unclear from your post if your ex actually did sign over his rights or not.)
2.) Think of your kids first. They’re gonna wonder who their birth dad was, and may resent being kept from him. On the other hand if he was a real SOB they’ll understand this. Be honest with yourself about this.
3.) don’t ever put anything online that you wouldn’t mind your boss, minister, parents, SO, best friend, or worst enemy finding.
IANA lawyer or counselor and I dont know you, so take this with several cubes of salt.
His child support would be there for two months…then not for two…then stopped in January of this year. He told the state he didn’t have the money, but threw his new wife a SECOND wedding ceremony in a rented B&B with flowers, photographer…the works. He signed them over for adoption and was actually a co-petitioner. It would literally take an act of congress to reverse the situation. My fear is that if he and this woman stay together, they will undoubtedly tell the kids (when they get of age and can do without my consent) that I am this monster (and believe me she has a good fable full of reasons why their father would have left like he did).
I wonder why it isn’t the father trying to talk to me. AFter all, what would I have to say to the woman that slept with a man that was my husband for 7 mos???
Considering that the adoption is now sealed, I do not mind for anyone seeing this. My minister, poor guy, isn’t much help as of yet. He is thinking this one through.
I am afraid that if I tell their father that he may come, by himself, to visit the kids he will back out and say that I can’t keep “HER” from them…when I can. I am afraid that by him doing that I might lose any respect for him and just DENY any visitation until they are of age.
Wouldn’t it have been easier for him to have simply paid child support? Good grief.
No one thinks about the months I worked three jobs and was a full time student and mother and supported us with no help from him while they planned an extravagant wedding ceremony. How is it possible for them to make me out to be the monster?
Since he’s given up all his parental rights, and (if I understand correctly), your new husband has adopted them legally, you are under no obligation to let them have any visitation.
I also wonder why your ex isn’t the one doing the asking. Maybe the new wife is just trying to stir up trouble?
Maybe she didn’t know exactly what he was doing, giving up his kids the way he did?
IMO, you’ve got a lot of soul searching to do. The key is to really think about what’s best for the children as they grow up.
Is the guy really a turkey and you have reason to feel he would bring them harm?
If you allow the visitations, keep a close eye on things to make sure everything is kosher. Before you start any of it, make sure your kids REALLY know that they can always come to you and tell you anything. ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT!
Unless he’s going to harm them, it’s probably better for them if he’s allowed to be a part of their lives. And if he’s simply a be-there-when-he-wants-to-be dad and is unreliable, it’ll show and the kids will learn it on their own. And all in all, it’s probably better that way. Then they can’t resent you for it, even if you felt you were protecting them from the inevitable.
However, I do recommend talking to the attorney(s) who handled your divorce and the adoption for you.
I would be extremely leery of communicating through the new wife and not talking directly to your ex.
I am a step mother and I try to stay out of any dealings with my husband and his ex when it comes to their kids. That isn’t my place nor is it this new wife’s place to hound you through the net, on the phone, through the mail, etc.
If your ex gave up all rights to his kids and allowed them to be adopted I think I would tend to agree with keeping him out of their lives. He doesn’t sound like such a stable influence in my opinion.
Do your children ask about their father? I know they are young but 3 and 4 year olds are sometimes smarter than we like to give them credit for.
Why couldn’t YOU be the one marrying my ex-husband instead of the bossy looney tunes who he sometimes says he’s going to marry and then says he’s not…???
What an ass.
“Well, I don’t want to fufill my responsibillities as a husband, or pay child support, or agree to any kind of a committment to do the right thing. And I’m going to sign this paper basically saying that I have absolutely no desire to be a father to these children. But let me come by and see them when it’s convienent for me, okay?”
F*$% that. Your kids deserve better. And he’s NOT it.
Revel in the fact that you’ve found a good man willing to be a father to your children, and forget about the slob who tossed them away like used kleenex.
As for his wife–that’s weird. I’d suggest letting her know, once, that he has signed his children away and you feel very strongly that he must now deal with the consequences of that act. If you’re more kindhearted than I am and aren’t dead set against them visiting, I’d be very careful to set up some pretty stringent ground rules. As in–all visits are to be at pre-arranged times only and preferably at your home. The last thing you want is him taking the kids somewhere where he and his new wife can fill their heads with who-knows-what kind of garbage while you have no control over the situation.
As a step mother I think my husband’s ex is doing a lot of crap to seriously mess up both her and my husband’s relationship with their children. However, that is his place to address with his ex wife…not mine. If he avoids the confrontation or if he doesn’t want to deal with her and discuss the problems then that is on him as to how his relationship will be with his kids in the future. Not me.
As a mother, I would be horribly offended if my ex husband’s new wife decided to make it her business to tell me what to do with our son or try to bridge any gaps between us. That is for us to handle.
I respect their marriage and hope he is as happy in his new life as I am in mine.
I have had a grand total of one conversation with his new wife when she called me to tell me they were getting married and ask if I was okay with everything. I explained to her that while I would prefer my ex break any wedding news to me that as long as she treated my son appropriately we would never have any issues. Her relationship with my ex husband is absolutely none of my business. Her relationship with my son is 100% my business if I thought for one second she was mistreating him in any way.
And I’ll shut up now since this isn’t my thread or my problem. Just offering my experiences.
I think my downfall is that I feel sorry for the stupid gus I married first. You would think he would have thoroughly thought through any situation or action like this…guess not.
It seems to me that his new wife thinks she is at the forefront with her knowledge of parenting skills (though she has no children of her own). I would not take it as offensively if she would not say things such as, “the developmental delays in your daughter are due to you leaving her in her crib all day.”
My daughter had seizures as a child after not breathing for about two minutes. I had to do many months of therapy with her to get her motor skills back. She is now as normal as normal can be…or so say the doctors. Though perhaps she really is the expert ;).
Anyway, that hurt me. And I am not very nice when treated in such a manner.
This is how I feel. I just wish that THEY understood that. But, of course, this might be asking too much.
All the opinions here have definitely told me what I just wouldn’t let myself understand in the first place. Just because she screams I’m a monster doesn’t mean I am. Thanks everyone.
I’m of two minds about this because, personally, I can’t see how anyone could voluntarily forfeit their parental rights, but be that as it may…
If the guy is mentally stable, and you feel assured that he is no danger to the kids, then maybe I’d -think- about letting him see them. If not–adios, now and forever.
I’d also let second wife know that her critiques certainly aren’t helping her cause any.
Dealing with the ex-hubby directly is the best way, IMHO. I’d want to hear it from him, personally, just how interested he is in seeing the kids. Is he doing it out of genuine concern, or is it something wife #2 is pressing him into?
If you do agree to let him see them, you may wish to look into some kind of supervised visitation (I hate that word, but I think it applies in this case). There are places specifically designed for parents to get together with their kids while supervised by some sort of “official” counselor/social worker/whatever.
Whatever child issues (visitation, support, etc.) there are between you and your ex, they are between the two of you alone. They have absolutely nothing to do with his new woman. Ignore her completely.(she sounds like an utter B.) If he tries to get intouch with you, well, that’s a decision you have to make yourself. But if he doesn’t care, isn’t man enough, whatever, to deal with you directly and has to go through his new woman, well, then I’d advise completely ignoring her, except maybe for one email telling her that you will only discuss your children with their biological father, and will not talk about them AT ALL with her.
It speaks well of your character that you would feel sympathy for your ex after he basically treated you like dirt, but remember your kids come first and he made his own bed.
