basically what Rysdad posted while I was typing my last post.
My husband, the adoptive father, is of the mind that if their motives were sincere it would matter…but he does not think they are. And he really can’t stand either of them for putting me and the kids through what they did.
I haven’t heard a peep from the ex husband…which is what worries me the most. Could it be that she wanted my kids more than him? Hmmm…
What Rysdad said.
The mental context for a divorcing man in an antagonistic divorce scenario is often summarized by a “fuck it” attitude. Money is tight, access to the children is limited and you want to just be done with it and move on. Without wise counsel (which your ex apparently did not get) some immature men can make stupid, hasty and emotional decisions.
The bottom line is less a legal one and more a moral and operational decision, about whether he should have some kind of access to the kids.
If he’s not dangerous or disruptive, it’s probably better to engage and control the situation rather than let it fester. The only way you are guaranteed to be portrayed as a “monster” (per your concerns) is not to let him have any access at all. Within strict limits you probably can allow limited access. Chances are good his immature nature will make him drop the “want to see them” impluse after a few visits and he will drift to the outer periphery of their lives and yours once again.
I think your husband may be right. I’d say that:
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Until you speak with your ex- directly,
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Until you’re convinced that he’s sincere,
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And until he agrees with whatever stipulations you might wish to make (such as: supervised visitation, him only-no wife #2, length of time, location, whatever)
ain’t nuthin’ gonna happen.
None of us here can really know all the intricacies of your relationships, so it all comes down to your best judgement. All I can say is, try to do whatever is best for the kids.
Dontcha wish life came with an instruction manual, and all you had to do was look it up?
With my life, I would need a rather elaborate index to look up all this stuff 
You haven’t heard anything from the ex?! :eek:
Sorry, wasn’t clear on that. I thought that the new woman was the main factor, not the only factor.
In this case, please ignore my earlier advice about seeking legal advice. IANA lawyer, but even I know that the woman has no standing at all in this issue.
So to repeat what everybody’s said; I would have no contact at all with this woman. Option D in your OP. The one exception might be for one (1) email saying that this is your policy and that no emails from her will be returned and no phone calls will be answered. (Caller ID might be a good investment if you don’t already have it.)
I just thought of one more thing…
If you do agree to some kind of visitation, I’d recommend that you insist that he calls you when he has arrived at the location where it will take place.
I’ve heard of instances where the kids have been bundled off to “see daddy,” and then he no-shows. The kids are heartbroken when that happens.
I have already sent a certified letter which the district attorney told me to advise her that any other formal attempt at communicating would result in her arrest.
She found a way around that.
She found my journal and started one of her own. The internet is not policed and she cannot be gotten for breech of the letter due to the fact that it is on the WWW and not in my mailbox, email box, or caller ID.
Here’s another kicker. My ex is now, supposedly, a deputy sheriff. Dontcha all just feel safe now? I know she is getting her limitations fed to her…and that makes me just more mad.
Oh, I did not read her journal accidentally…she linked me as a “favorite” and the host site sent me an email. I was flabbergasted to find out who linked me…and irritated too. The things she wrote on her jounral were AWFUL.
She has also posted pics of my kids on her website with personal messages. She is really testing her limits. I ignored her since March 2003…and obviously it didn’t work. Trying to talk it out doesn’t work either. I have almost come to the idea of disconnecting the internet and forcing her to stalk me (if she really wants to contact me or try to hurt me that bad). IF she shows up in this county, the adoption decree will protect my kids and she will be carted off to jail…but isn’t it silly to have to go that far. If she knew that others thought she was just as wrong it might stop, but she is in her own little world.
I’m hardline on this subject, as the son of a deadbeat dad.
If he signed over parental rights for adoption, he’s a complete stranger to those kids. He’s an ex-husband to you. That’s all. The only thing he’s good for is a kidney with compatible DNA.
Now that’s what I think of him, and he helped create the children. The woman he chose to marry? The next time she gave me parenting advice I’d ram one of the laminated Final Notice bills from the old days up her nose and pull it out her ear.
Just saw your other post, Wranglerette.
Websites can be blocked. Email addys can change.
How do the kids feel about all this?
Get yourself a lawyer, fast. His new wife’s using the term “fraudulent” when talking about the adoption should send up all sorts of red flags. That’s the kind of language people take to court to try to reverse things.
Don’t have any contact with them. Your husband is their father - the one who will raise them, support them, and care for them. He’s the one who made the positive choice to be part of their lives. Having your ex in their lives, when he’s already demonstrated he can’t even keep up his legally mandated responsibilities to them, can only lead to grief.
All this said, I’m not a lawyer, never been through this kind of thing, so I know nothing. Take this in the spirit of advice from a friend, not like legal or anything . . .
Well, the journal she frequents to find things out from me now says this:
Stop throwing “pain” and “what I’m denying the children” around. I have not inflicted either of those accusations onto the kids. This "pain’ that you are going through I have never known. Why? Because I have never slept with a married man, moved him into my home, and tried to take over his complete existence. It is a shame that the child support was not paid on time. It is a shame that his parents had to pay it for him at times. It is a shame that the kids don’t know their biological father on a daily basis, but this shame is by no fault of my own. This shame was brought forth due to an adulterous affair and hasty actions made by two lovers to cover their tracks. Now that you are married, it does not erase the past. All of the things you complain about are decisions that your husband made. Go whine to him, you obviously do not understand that whining to me does nothing. It would be different if the birthfather tried to tell me something or tell me about his remorse…but he is not. And this urge to hold back his feelings…honey, it’s gumption. And he has none.
So go deal with your pain and think really hard about what got you here.
I am really sick of this. He runs off, has an affair, doesn’t pay child support and I am the monster…geesh. Ya’ll are really screwed up. I’d advise you to log onto a forum and ask some questions as to your situation and see what answers you get…you’d be surprised how many people side with me.
I have just become really sickened by what she has done and said and has the gall to ask me for. I wish I knew better words to finalize all of this.
Wow, what a freakin’ nutjob.
All this is making me exceedingly glad that my ex hasn’t even called since the baby was born, let alone sent his new woman out to cyber-stalk me.
::shudder::
Are you still keeping an on-line journal? I would cut off all contact with her. She sounds like a nutcase. Either delete your journal, get a new one under a new name or block her from reading it.
Don’t let her into your life anymore than you have to.
As I said, and others have said, once your ex gave up his parental rights and your new hubby adopted the kids, that’s IT. He and the new wife have no claim on those kids.
You really sound like a compassionate person, trying to let the kids see their biological dad, but in my opinion, they’re better off with the step-dad.
The fact that he (the bio-dad) isn’t even the one initiating the contact is really weird. Either she is just trying to stir up trouble, or he wasn’t honest with her about the situation (giving up the kids) and she thought she was getting some kids in the deal.
Tell her plain and simple that you will have no further contact with her, only with him. I’d get a notebook and keep a written log of all contact she makes. (nothing on-line one, keep it written down) Definitely contact a lawyer and find out exactly what your rights are. As rimshotgdansk said, the fact that she’s throwing around the word ‘fraudulent’ sounds scary. Make sure all your paperwork from the divorce and adoption is airtight.
Air tight. It would literally take an act of congress to undo it. He was a co-petitioner.
I really appreciate everyone’s help. I have had to buy a journal site so that I can lock it and dictate who views it and everything, but I guess that is just what had to be done.
The journal she found months ago now says the statement I made in the above post. I really wish she would leave me alone. It has seemed these last few months if I started an account on a webpage, she would.
To be quite honest, she scares me.
Why are you visiting her journal?
Jesus, just because she posts stuff doesn’t mean you have to read it. Delete her e-mails unread, or block her. You are spending too much time on your past and not enough on your present.
Let the DA know she is still harassing you.
I understand a lot of where you are coming from, because I’m being cyberstalked my my husband’s ex-wife. If it hasn’t happened to you, you don’t really know how upsetting it is.
She’s also an irrational nutjob, but what really sucks is that she’s an insane psychopath with a trust fund! We have to worry about all sorts of things that she could do or hire someone to do that are beyond the financial reach of your garden-variety working-class psychos. We’ve been followed by detectives, and she’s had them listening to our house via a baby monitor. We switched to VoIP phone service because it can’t be tapped (at least, not by her.) She also beleives her own lies-- somehow I’m the one who broke up their marraige, even though he filed for divorce due to her constant infidelity and generally treating him like crap FOUR MONTHS before he met me. She continues to say she wasn’t cheating on him with the man that she is now married to and who was the father of her child, born 2 days after the divorce was final. She’s trying to turn his daughters against him, and it’s absolutely sickening. We were granted primary custody initially, due to the fact she’s about the world’s worst mother; but because she has an endless supply of money and we don’t, eventually she got them back. We still have a lot more visititation time than we would have if we had not won the first round, hoever. If she had been poor, she probably would have had her parental rights terminated by the state-- but Social Services will roll right over for anyone who can afford a lawyer. We are in the process of filing bankruptcy, 99% due to the costs of his divorce and custody battle. His lawyer felt so sorry for him that he’s taken the case to get his own fees discharged, and is only charging us for handling the bankruptcy. People with money can pretty much get away with anything, in my experience.
That journal I spoke of above was mine, which I deleted and had remained deleted for quite a while. Since I know she still checks it (hence the hits and notes she has left) I wrote her the “mind your own business” thing I stated above.
Just wanted to clear up the confusion there ivylass.
Consult a lawyer for advice. There are often places to get free or low-cost family law consultations.
Is the adoption of the kids by the new husband complete? Did he sign the final papers relinquishing his rights. If so, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have any right to demand visitation.
Given that all the Is were dotted and Ts crossed, then you have to decide whether you want to allow him visitation.