I really dislike spiteful custodial parents(long and sad)

The BBQ Pit
1

The other day my fiancee and I drove four hours to pick up his daughters. You see it had been his oldests birthday. It was not a a day he normally took his visitation, but he has alot of days to “make up” from other blocked visitations. His ex said no problem.

She said this three days before.
She said this two days before.
The day before he talked to his daughters and told them he was coming. They got all excited.

The day of we drive 4 hours. We get there and he calls her(this is in their divorce papers, that he calls before he shows up at the door) All of the sudden his ex decides that he didn’t give her enough notice and the girls can’t come. So basically we drove 4 hours for nothing. But that isn’t the bad part.

The next day his daughters call crying because Daddy didn’t show up. He told them that he had showed up but their mother said they couldn’t come. In the background all you can hear is their mother yelling, Your dad is a liar, I told him to come get you, He just doesn’t love you.

But for me the kicker is the next part of the conversation. He asked his daughter what she did for her birthday. He thought maybe they might have had a double party because his ex has another child that has a birthday the day before his daughters.
She said “nothing”. And by nothing I mean No cake, No presents, no nothing. So he asked to speak to her mother.
His ex told him(loud enough for the kids to hear) That he didn’t send his child support so she couldn’t give her a birthday party. But her other daughter got one the day before. Had a huge bash. His ex told him that she didn’t get the money so she couldn’t do anything and it was all his fault as and He was a bad father.

He pointed out that the child support is taken directly from his check and sent by the state disbursement center. And She said “you know that, and I know that, but the kids don’t” So he asked her where the child support money went. She said that she went out, paid for the other childs birthday, and bought her boyfriend a ps2 game.

So there is no confusion let me put this in a few points.

A. We went to pick them up and she said nope nevermind
B. She proceeded to tell the kids he didn’t show
C.She deliberatley did not have a birthday party for one of the kids, to try and make him look bad.
I have never met anyone like this woman in my whole life. Now I know there are going to be some other poster that comes in here and says “well you don’t know the other side of the story”. This seems pretty cut and dry to me. We can’t even get into the lawyers office til january, but this mess has to stop. Its not fair to the kids, its not fair to the dad. And If she didn’t have so many other kids I would says someone should slap her around, but she still has them to take care of too.

I really hate people who use their kids as pawns.

2

What a bitch.

3

What a nutjob.

What a heartbreaking story.

This kind of behavior is beyond my intellectual ability to understand.

4

I completely beleive you. It sounds just like something my husband’s ex-wife (and stalker) would do if she were poorer. She has tons of money (she’s got a trust fund) and is constantly buying my husband’s daughter’s affections. This year we are poor. We are forgoing any gifts for ourselves or anyone else so we can get a very few things for the kids. She knows this, so she spent $2500 each on them just to make us look bad (and made sure we knew about it, in the ruse of “Oh, so we don’t buy the same thing, this is what I got them”). She’s turning these girls into awful little greed-monsters and it sickens me.

5

I’m confused…Does he have a court document showing that he gets certain times as visitation? After he showed up at the door the mother wouldn’t allow the kids to come or you guys called from a location other than the driveway of the home and she then said not to bother coming?

If you were standing on the doorstep and she wouldn’t allow them to come don’t the kids know he was at least at the door? If you called from somewhere other than the house then if it were me, I would drive to the local police department, show them the visitation order and have them escort you to the home to pick up the kids.

I’m unclear on the story from your post…that is why I’m asking so many questions.

Document everything. Have witnesses back your story when at all possible. Take her back to court and bring it all out in court so hopefully the judge can see how manipulative she is being and help. Have specific dates, times, what was said, who said what. Print out any emails, send certified letters when possible.

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. As the wife of a man with a bitch for an ex I completely understand.

6

No it was not his normal day for visitation. However in their court order, he can make up missed visitation. He has a lot of that because his ex’s favorite passtime is to Block visitation. The kids are “grounded” or “busy” or “out of town” every time its time for him to pick them up. He had asked her if he could use one of the “make up days” to visit them. She said sure no problem.

We called from another location. In their divorce papers however it states that he has to call before he picks them up, whether its his day for them or not

7

Ok…I’m sorry for my lack of reading comprehension! :wink:

I would get the “missed” times in writing from her and start keeping a file.

Is she the type that would care if he threatened legal action or would that just piss her off more?

Are the kids mature enough for him to have a frank discussion with them and explain that he and their mother can’t seem to get along but that he does love them and want to spend time with them? Are they old enough to understand child support and how it works? If so, could he show them a pay stub and let them know he is doing everything he can to support them financially?

And I know this is no comfort, but as they get older (if she doesn’t completely warp them) they will see how she is and understand where their father is coming from.

8

That’s just unconscionable, DN :frowning:

I have no idea if this would work in your situation, but in other cases that get into a he said/she said dilemma where one party reneges on commitments, it’s often advised to communicate by certified mail (return receipt requested). If you have a few days notice and they’re only 4 hours apart by car (so mail should be fast), maybe it would be a good idea to use a verifiable method like this to confirm upcoming visits. At least you’d be building a better record when you do get it in front of a judge.

9

What a bitch! Although, honesty, the story does not suprise me at all. My husband has a son and we’ve had essentially the same thing happen to us many many many times (except we don’t live 4 hours away). One of her favorite things to do is if DH has his son on a “non-scheduled day” (ie birthday or something) she will call our phone 100 times leaving nasty messages wanting to know where her son is. If we don’t call her back, she proceeds to call the police and report DH for kidnapping! Really nice to come home to the cops sitting in your driveway.

Women like this are the epitome of evil. Ours also does the badmouthing my DH to the kid thing.

10

well they are 7 and 5

I think the 5 year old gets it more than the 7 year old. I don’t know how much either understand. Of course the 5 year old is a trouble maker LOL “Atleast my daddy has a job, your boyfriend hasn’t had a job for as long as I can remember” I was glad I was not around for that discussion long!

11

I’d be grateful if my ex wanted to spend time with our daughter. Some of these women don’t know how good they’ve got it.

12

I went through sort of the reverse of this with my ex. IIRC, she cannot ground them from visitation with their Dad. She can ground them for something they did wrong, and not let them play outside or with their friends, but she cannot use grounding as a reason to prevent his visits. You need a lawyer, ASAP. You need to document this crap, every single time. Get a notebook and write it all down, with dates and details. Make sure you document her comments about using child support for her other kid and her boyfriend’s PS2.

I would recommend calling from a cell phone from down the block. If she refuses the visitation, I’d go there anyway, just with the excuse of wanting to say “Hi” to the kids.
Can you go to a nearby police station (with a copy of the divorce and custody papers) and calmy (calmly!) explain the situation, and ask that they accompany you to her house so you can get the kids for visitation?

13

The next day his daughters call crying because Daddy didn’t show up. He told them that he had showed up but their mother said they couldn’t come. In the background all you can hear is their mother yelling, Your dad is a liar, I told him to come get you, He just doesn’t love you.

Emotional warfare… I hate people that do this. My own mother did and at the age of 31, I still have issues! That woman needs children like she needs ten extra nipples. I feel so badly for the kids! I wonder what the guy saw in this cunt in the first place. What a bitch…

14

This makes me cry. Adults can play their power games all they want, but being a seven-year-old who thinks her daddy doesn’t love her has got to be one of the hardest things in this world to bear. I hope the girls are able to hold on to their self-esteem through all this.

15

That kind of shit pisses me off and I don’t even have, or want, children. I am, however, the child of divorce. My father barely saw me, and barely gave my mother any monetary support but the entire time I was growing up she never said one bad word about him to me. She would even defend him to me. Once I was an adult and recognised him for what he was, she stopped restraining herself, but even then she never said anything vile, just the truth that she withheld so I wouldn’t feel slighted by him growing up.

Documenting anything and everything is very good advice. I’ve watched enough Judge Judy to know that He Who Has the Most Documentation Wins :smiley:

Good Luck!

Those poor kids.

16

Man- I am so worried that my nieces are going to go through this soon. I totally feel for you and your SO.

My family has been walking on eggshells the last two weeks sp that my sister in law will let us take the girls to New Mexico for a wedding/family reunion we’ve been planning all year long.

Why do parents do this- and I hate to say this-but doesn’t always seem that its women who do this??

Why??

17

If I were him, I would find information on changing my and my children’s identities, find a position out of the country, pick up the kids for visitation and never turn back. I would hire a good attorney to handle the ex-bitch in court. Of course, if I was a cop, or a top government person, I don’t think Joe Blow could do this anymore.

Why does the father have to ring her phone to come to her house on “visiting” days? Unless the man abused the woman physically or mentally, he has every right to see those kids and be a part of their life anytime! Period. I would refuse a schedule, it’s MY child? Is the person with the vagina a better parent than the one with the penis?

No one, not the mother, or the legal system of the USA is going to prevent me from seeing my children.

ET

18

My husbands ex used to try to pull that. I don’t know how many times we showed up to pick up his daughters to find they were not home.

Then, Christmas time in 1999, my husbands ex-wife told us that we could not have his kids for Christmas. ( It was our holiday and we already had plans ) I completely freaked out and beat the shit out of her. The fine for assault was the best $186 I ever spent.
Now that his kids are older, they have a lot more going on, so we don’t see them every other weekend like we used to, but they know that we love them. Their mother is more careful about telling us he “can’t” get the girls for his scheduled visitation.

19

Just so you know, it’s not always the custodial mom who causes this kind of trouble. My brothers’ father pulled this kind of shit all the time.

I used to pick the boys up, because my mother did not have a driver’s license. Time and again I’d go there and be told that there would be no visitation. And every time, I’d contact my mom, she’d contact her attorney, and we’d end up in court - for each occurance. I think I spent more time talking to lawyers than I did to my peers. At any rate, on one occasion the boys’ dad flagged a passing cop and insisted that I was trying to kidnap his sons. I CALMLY explained the situation to the police, and showed him my own notebook documenting similar events in the past. The cops informed the boys’ father that he was obligated to turn the children over to me by court order, at which time the father told the police (the same police HE HIMSELF flagged down) that they didn’t have any say-so, because it was a civil, rather than a criminal, matter. He got belligerent, so the very wise cop kept arguing with him until the father lunged at him, at which point he arrested him for assaulting an officer and then got the boys out of the house for me.

Hang in there, ** Deadly Nightlight**, and follow the advice to start keeping documentation of every contact you have with this woman. It will serve you well!

20

I hate, Hate, HATE women like that!!! No wonder so many men are terrified of commitment.

Troll bitches from hell like that one. ARGGGGGHHHH!!! I’m sorry your poor husband had to go through that. I hope you’re documenting this, and I hope that he has a chance to get the visitations that are rightfully his.

Good luck