Child neglect - just in time for the holidays

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am in a tough position. I need advice.

My sister-in-law had a child whom she has neglected since the child was brought home. I know the answer to this seems easy; I should call the Department of Human Services and be done with it. But is anything ever that easy?

First of all, our entire family lives in the biggest small town in America and when I say that everyone knows each other, I mean it. Not to mention the fact that my mother-in-law, who is unnaturally protective of her good-for-nothing daughter, is one of the biggest attorneys here. She is very rich and lives in the right house and owns a cotton gin and was born to the right family. She is “the” southern mother (think Faulkner, Tennessee Williams).

Second, my husband and I actually love his mother, despite her money and even her snobbiness. She can’t help it, I have decided. We don’t want to hurt her in any way. However, it is important to note that we both hate his sister. Hate may not be a strong enough word, actually. But neither one of us are in the business of revenge, and we have pretty well washed our hands of the freak. Until this baby came along, I thought I might not ever speak to sister-in-law again, which was fine by me.

Third: we love the baby. She is so bright! She is interested in everything and she never cries. My husband is teaching her how to play piano and drums and she’s just perfect.

Fourth: my husband and I are childless. We just got married in 1998 and while we are interested in having a baby ONE DAY, that time has not come. We just can’t afford it. Plus, I’m way too young to be a mother, IMHO.

So here’s the problem. The sister-in-law is neglecting the beautiful baby. Sister doesn’t wake up till noon, and by then the baby has been crying in her crib for hours (I have this on good authority but I have not witnessed it myself). The house does not get cleaned (think maggots) and the baby is walking and running and eating things she shouldn’t. They have a dog that has mange. I don’t think a mangy dog poses a health risk to a baby, but how gross is that? The baby is at the point where she should be talking and she can’t say a thing yet. The baby always has on a dirty diaper. When they bring the child over (I’ve left out the brother-in-law in all of this, since he’s about to be brought up on charges by the DEA, and that is another long story), they bring her over filthy, hungry, and without bottles or fresh diapers. They are always looking for someone to dump the baby on.

My hatred for sis-in-law sprung anew this weekend when she dumped the baby off at her mother’s house. Mother-in-law didn’t have running water as her pipes froze this weekend. Never mind that though. Never mind that the baby was wearing the same thing she was wearing the last time I saw her and it was covered in filth and dog hair.

My questions are, do I call the Department of Human Services and am I doing this just because I hate my sister-in-law so much? If I call DHS, my mother-in-law will find but who called; I know it should be confidential but she found out when her secretary called DHS about this same situation a year ago and I have no doubt she’ll discover the culprit this time, too. Like I said, everyone knows her here. If the baby gets taken away, can I live with that? Of course, mother-in-law can get the baby back and get custody of the child, but as she is grossly obese and asthmatic and past her nurturing years, is that the best thing for the baby? Can I stand to run the risk of the baby being taken away from the family? Despite the fact that it would cripple us financially, we are willing to take the baby…

My stomach is in a knot over this. My husband can’t sleep and we talk about it constantly. Please, tell me what YOU would do.

2

YES. Please do.
Forget MIL, forget SIL. Obviously, they don’t care about the child, or what’s right. If they get upset about it, then they are wrong. This is a child, we’re talking about.
So the baby is taken away from what-a horrible, abusive, neglected situation.

3

While it doesn’t seem that the baby is in any direct health threat from the living conditions, there is always the risk of some sort of future problems.

I don’t know if this will be interpreted as “neglect” by a court or other authority. Legally, it’s not against the law to let a baby cry, or not change her within some time span. Granted, it’s not best for the child, but legally, is it adequate? Hard to prove. Unless it can be shown that the child’s health is in jeopardy, I doubt if DHS can do anything other than set up a monitoring program.

Since the complaint seems to have been raised before, with no intervention from DHS, I can’t see them as being able to step in this time, unless the situation has worsened.

Spritle’s $.02:
What the child needs is a loving, caring environment.
What you want is for the child to have a loving, caring environment.
What you don’t want is to piss people off.

Is it possible that you can talk to MIL and SIL (whatever order you want, or together)? I get the impression that you would love to have the means to provide for the baby (though you are “too young” - hogwash, you sound quite mature!) but, alas, aren’t able.

Here’s a scenario. You present to SIL the option that you will be legal guardian for the baby until she is more able. (add lots of positive spin; you love spending time w/ her, you understand that SIL is going through a difficult, temporary time, etc.) Don’t do this unless you get MIL support (emotional and financial). This is why you might want to talk to her first. Use same spin strategies.

Try to make it look like you are offering this in the best interest of the child and SIL.

If you can (eventually) get SIL to make you and hubby legal guardians (for medical care, insurance coverage, etc.), it would be quite difficult for SIL to get daughter back w/o your permission. She’d have to prove that she was a fit mother and that her home is better than yours, which I doubt. If she does clean up her act (and Spritle hope she does because he feels that all children should be in a loving parental environment when possible) you might be more than willing to return the precious little girl.

sick from thinking about the poor girl,
Spritle

4

Maybe if you think about how you will feel if you do nothing it will make your decision easier.

5

How old is the child?

Neglect is a serious issue. Fighting for the child (custody) can get very messy, very ugly, very unpleasant. Is it worth it? For the child, probably yes, for you, probably no. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, because if you love them, they come first. It sounds like the mother has a serious depression problem, if not a personality disorder, but that’s from admittedly VERY sketchy info. If so, that is pretty miserable for the mom, and also for anyone around. I hear the ‘beyond help or hope’ in your reaction to your SIL, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something mechanically wrong with her. Which would be worth considering in a custody case, or even as a solution (if she’s on her meds, maybe that would work?).

Personally, I would do it (file neglect charges, and/or sue for custody). Not knowing the parties involved, I don’t know if you should just tell MIL first, or not. If she is going to find out anyway, I say tell her first (or immediately after calling), so at least you aren’t sneaking. Yes, your hate/dislike of SIL is probably coloring your opinions, but your love of the girl is also coloring things.

Will this be easy for the girl? Nope. But then, life won’t be easy for her if someone doesn’t do something.

I agree that you might be able to do positive spin to get support and custody, but in my experience, people who most ignore and neglect their kids also fight hard to keep from having them taken away.

6

[hijack]psst…hey hedra–come here for a second…[/hijack]

7

I’ll go with spritle on this one. Make sure that you get financial assistance from the MIL. You sound like really nice people who could take a lot better care of the child.

8

What an awful story! My heart goes out to that child, and to you, for having this situation thrust upon you.

While the neglect is horrible, from what you have described I’m not certain that DHS would determine that it is actually endangering the child. Would it be more traumatic for all concerned if DHS was called, and then ended up allowing the baby to continue on with your SIL with things as they are? If you are worried about the DHS people keeping things confidential, could you have someone else contact them?

Your MIL sounds like she is making herself part of the problem. Is there anyone she does listen to, a friend or a pastor or family doctor who might support you if you raised these issues with her? It might be easy for her to get on her high horse with you and your husband, but having someone back you up from your church or the community might corner her into better behavior.

From your post it sounds like you already spend a good deal of time with the baby. If you are debating whether you want to press for custody of this little girl, either informally or legally, maybe there is a way you can work something out with SIL so that you and your husband have the baby with you for a week or two – this would probably help you figure out if this is the right path for you. Maybe the SIL will be planning a vacation, or simply need some time to herself (or, from your post, time to deal with BIL and the DEA!) and you could offer to take the baby. While baby-sitting for a week is not the same as actually being a parent, it might at least give you some sense of whether your taking custody is a realistic option.

In the very short term, you might just continue with and increase the amount of time you spend with the baby. It can’t be pleasant to spend time with the SIL, but could you stomach it in the interest of the little girl? If SIL gets defensive about this (surely she knows at some level that she is being a bad mother) you might frame it so that she thinks she is doing you a favor. Ask to take the baby for a walk, or for the afternoon, or give her a bath because “you love babies and you want to practice for when you have one of your own.” This is sort of frustrating because it’s like doing the work of having a baby without the joy of actually having one, but it might be enough to get the child through some rough spots, at least until you decide what could be done in the long term.

Good luck to you in this difficult situation. Oddly enough, I think a very similar situation is about to come up with my in-laws, and so I hope you will keep us posted about what you decide to do.

9

Sophie, I know you said the brother-in-law’s involvement wasn’t detailed because of pending DEA charges, but I think he’s going to have to be considered especially if you end up trying for temporary custody. Not that I want to turn this into a debate about paternal responsibility-- it’s just that if the child’s father is alive and present, he is equally responsible. Of course, that’s said having no knowledge of what’s going on with the DEA and how it might keep him from being an involved parent.

As for your other questions, just because your dislike of this woman is fueling your urge to call DHS doesn’t mean the urge itself is wrong. I mean, your dislike isn’t what’s allowing maggots to infest their house, and it isn’t what’s keeping the baby covered in filth-- parental neglect is doing that.

10

I don’t know if I have any really good advice because I grew up in a small town like that. If the MIL knows someone, the DHS won’t really push because “it’s a family matter” and no one wants to embarrass the local rich family that has been here since God was a child, right?
I would get a camera and start taking lots of “holiday” pictures. Get one that dates the pictures. Don’t act like a child pornographer, but get lots of photos on the premise of making a scrapbook or something like that. I don’t know if they would be useable later (in court?) but it couldn’t hurt. At least you can document that the child sits in filth all day.
I don’t know what I would do. Maybe calling DHS is good because even if they don’t do anything this time, the child’s file will grow. And it will grow more when the little girl goes to school and the teachers start noticing. You will have a history of calls that way.

11

I really appreciate all the advice. There are some really great ideas here and I am definitely going to start a “scrapbook” that documents everything. I think that’s the best way to start.

Also, I think that delphica was right about befriending one of MIL’s friends. Actually, there is a very, very approachable family doctor that might be willing to talk to MIL…good idea, at any rate.

I’ll let you know what happens with this. Thanks for your kindness.

12

If it is really such a small town, don’t you think everyone already knows about the baby’s deplorable conditions and is waiting for that proverbial “someone” to do something. I have to agree with the others, get legal guardianship and financial support, and get that poor kid outta there. Bless you for your concern.

13

I think you should report this, but if you report it while trying to get custody, it might give them cause to question your credibility. It’s a tight spot.

But you absolutely must change this child’s life if you can. This is deplorable. Babies need care and intimacy and complete trust in their caregivers. Your SIL sounds inconsistent, lackadaisical, and unreliable. The dirt, in all honesty, probably isn’t all that bad. But the emotional stuff, the not changing her, not feeding her when she is hungry, not being responsive to her needs? That’s terrible.

While you’re pondering what steps to take, I know you can do a lot by being an excellent caregiver when you are in the child’s company. Volunteer to babysit every chance you get.