Remember those folk songs you used to sing in elementary school? No, not the ones the teachers tried to get you to learn; the other ones. The ones we (as kids) taught each other. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones you’d get in trouble for if you sang it in class (or within earshot of an adult authority figure).
Songs like the following one:[ul][sup]Sung to Colonel Bogey March, a.k.a. the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai.[/sup]
Comet, it makes your teeth turn green.
Comet, it tastes like gas-o-line.
Comet, will make you vomit,
So get some comet, and vomit, to-daaaay![/ul]I seem to recall another one about (rich-and-chocolate-ey) Bosco, but I forget the words.
Glory, glory hallelujah
Teacher hit me with a ruler
So I whacked her on the butt
With a rotten coconut
And she ain’t my teacher no more
Mine eyes have seen the glory
Of the burning of the school
We have tortured every teacher
And we’ve broken every rule
_can somebody help me with the rest, I’ve forgotten it. To the tune of "Joy to the World"
Joy to the World
The Schools burned down
The teachers all are dead
We’re looking for the principal
We’ll hang him by the flagpole
With a noose around his neck
A noose around his neck
A noose, a noose until he’s dead
To the tune of "This Land Is My Land"
This land is my land
This land ain’t your land
I’ve got a shotgun
And you ain’t got one
If you don’t get off
I’ll blow your head off
This land was made for only me
The entire BoBos song? It was sung to “The Bridge on the River Kwai” tune…went something like:
Bobos…they make your feet feel fine
Bobos…they cost a nickel and a dime
God, we were such nasty little kids. For all you non-USA dopers, bobos are what we called cheap tennis shoes, the kind that you could buy at the supermarket.
I hate you, you hate me
Let’s gang up and kill Bar-ney
With a shotgun, bang bang, Barney hits the floor
No more purple dinosaur
I love you, you love me
Homosexuality
Barney says that we are only friends
But we’re really lesbians
Miss Suzy had a tugboat
The tugboat had a bell
When Suzy went to Heaven
The tugboat went to -
Hello operator,
Please give me Number 9
And if you disconnect me
I’ll kick you in -
Behind the yellow curtain
There was a piece of glass
Miss Suzy sat upon it
And hurt her big fat -
Ask me no more questions
I’ll tell you no more lies
The boys are in the bathroom
Doing up their -
Flies are in the city,
The bees are in the park
The boys and girls are having fun
And necking in the dark-dark-dark!
And there was the wordless tune that the girls (and the junior faggots, i.e. me) played this complicated clapping game to:
Stella stella ola
Clap clap clap
Singin’ ess chico chico
Chico chico crackerjack
Ess chico chico
I owe, I owe,
I gotta blow my nose
So one two three four - (repeat)
Who writes these things???! Did some primal kid just think them up, or what? And did he/she end up winning a genius grant or going to prison?
Oh! How could I forget. When I was in grade 5 during the Gulf War, my older neighbour Ilya Nielsen wrote (to the tune of Jingle Bells (or rather the French version, Vive le Vent):
Vive Saddam, Vive Saddam, Vive Saddam Hussein
Qui s’en va en char d’assaut dans un pays voisin
(Long live Saddam Hussein/Who goes by tank into a neighbouring country)…
“There’s a skeeter on my peter whack it off
There’s a skeeter on my peter whack it off
There’s a skeeter on my peter
and another on my brother
There’s a skeeter on my peter whack it off”
and
“3 Irishmen, sitting in a ditch
one called the other a dirty son of a …
Peter Murphy had a dog, a dirty dog was he
along come a bumblebee and stung him on his…
cocktail, gingerale 5 cents a glass
if you do not like it, you can kiss my …
ask me a question, I’ll give you some advice
if someone throws a bucket of shit, be sure and close your eyes”
and I also remember the jingle bells, batman smells song. In fact, I taught it to my kid last xmas.
Deck the halls with gasoline
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la
Light a match and don’t be seen
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la
Watch the school burn down to ashes
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la
Aren’t you glad you played with matches?
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la
To the tune of ‘Row Row Row Your Boat’:
Fuck fuck fuck a duck
Screw a kangaroo
Fingerbang an orangutan
An orgy at the zoo!
Then there was:
Hello mother, hello father,
I’ve been smoking marijuana
Coke is good, but crack is better
I’m too fucked up to finish this letter Redwing, we sang that song as well, but we added a third verse to it:
I dug up her coffin
To make sure she was dead
I took a bazooka
And I blew off her head.
evilbeth, we sang “Lost a wheel on the Batmobile, and the joker got away- hey!”
tatertot, we sang “Glory, glory, what’s it to ya?” And darn if I can remember the rest after you left off. I hope someone else does. Maybe I’ll ask my hubby.
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school
We have tortured every teacher, we have broken every rule
And tomorrow after school we’re gonna hang the principal
His truth is marching on
Glory, glory halleluiah
Teacher hit me with a ruler
I met her after school with my loaded .44
And she ain’t my teacher any more.
Great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat,
Little birdies dirty feet,
Great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts,
And I forgot my spoon!
Except when I was a kid, I could swear we sang “Chopped-up monkey butts / Mutilated…” I don’t remember what was mutilated.
My sister used to sing these two songs to me:
He cut his baby brother in two
A-rickety-tickety-tin!
He cut his baby brother in two
And served him up in an Irish stew
He served him up in an Irish stew
With occasional pieces of skin
Of skin
With occasional pieces of skin
and
My little brother has rocks in his head
Rocks in his head
Rocks in his head
My little brother has rocks in his head
Rocks in his head!
School songs:
On top of Old Smokey
All covered with blood
I shot my poor teacher
With a .44 slug
I went to her funeral
I went to her grave
But instead of flowers
I threw a grenade
and
Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho!
It’s off to school I go
With hand grenades and razor blades
Heigh-ho!
Heigh-ho heigh-ho!
(repeat ad nauseum)
Never ending stories:
My name is Jan Jansen
I come from Wisconsin
I work in a lumber yard there
All the people I meet
Upon the street
Say, “Hi there! What’s your name?”
And I tell them…
My name is Jan Jansen
I come from Wisconsin…
(others, not sung)
You remind me of a man
What man?
The man with the power
What power?
The power of Hoodoo
Hoodoo?
You do!
Do what?
Remind me of a man!
What man? …
My name’s Leonardo
I am a retardo
I sit on the steeple
And wave at the people
And they say, “Hi.”
And I say, “Hi.”
And they say, “What’s your name?”
And I tell them…
My name’s Leonardo…
That’s tough.
What’s tough?
Life.
What’s life?
It’s a magazine.
How much is it?
A dollar.
I only have a quarter.
That’s tough.
What’s tough? …
