It wasn’t that we didn’t want to, it was that we didn’t want to enough. I spent a lot of time in my teen years taking care of foster babies, my youngest sister, and my oldest sister’s babies so I had an excellent idea of the work involved, and whatever weak biological urge I may have had was completely inadequate to overcome the first-hand knowledge of the sacrifice and hassle. Also, I have four siblings who produced sprogs at regular intervals, so my own genetic heritage was well assured.
Also, any child my husband and I would have had would probably have looked like Mr. Potatohead. We were neither of us attractive children. It seemed unfair to inflict that on an innocent human being.
I’m childfree. I have always known this, for my entire life, in the same way that I have always known that I was straight. I never decided that I was going to be hetero, and never decided that I would be childfree.
I have also been defending this for at least the last 12 years. I’ve gotten everything from ‘Why?’ to ‘What’s wrong with you?’ to the pitiful look and the ‘Oh, are you infertile?’ to the ‘You’ll change your mind when you get older.’
I’ve tried to get fixed, but I haven’t found a doctor willing to either give me a tubal or Essure unless I’m over 35, married and have two kids already. When my doctor suggested that I needed to have some kids and then I could get fixed, I said ‘Well doc, that’s the wrong fucking time to realize I don’t want any.’
When they said ‘No, sterilization is for people who don’t want any more kids.’ I said ‘I have zero. I don’t want any more than that.’
Defensive? Maybe. But I have yet to be asked why I don’t want any kids by someone who isn’t trying to change my mind.
For me, it’s simple–I’ve never felt the desire to have kids. When I see people who are excited about a new pregnancy, or excited about trying to get pregnant, or heartbroken about fertility problems (and going to untold trouble and expense to correct them), it is clear that they have something I don’t.
I would not have a kid without being ready to change my life completely for it. I just don’t have any desire to do that.
I really don’t mind when people ask about it. After all, I like to ask vegetarians why they went that way, not because I disagree with their choice but because I’m really interested. Even the standard bingos don’t bother me that much. What gets me is the smug attitude that it’s a silly phase and I’ll change my mind–or, more often, that my wife will change her mind. (If anything, she’s more hardcore about it than I am.)
There are a lot of reasons I don’t want to have children.
The crux of it is that I am selfish and like my life the way it is now. I want to be free to do what I want when I want to do it. I want to buy hockey tickets instead of diapers. I don’t want the (to me mind boggling) responsibility of caring for and raising a good human being. Deep down I don’t like being around kids. I pretend to like them, and there are a few I’ve met that are great kids, but really, I don’t care for them. My maternal instincts seem to be corrupted by a mutation that morphed them into pupternal instincts. Whenever my biological clock ticks, I get puppies. I can lock a puppy in it’s crate and leave it for a few hours to do something fun. So yeah, I’m selfish. At least I can own up to my limitations and make a good decision to not have children, sparing them, me and my family a lifetime of regret.
I’m in a position where I cannot have a dog, and you want to know why I don’t have children?
More seriously, I’m 39, single, on disability for mental illness. I don’t think that I’d become some kind of monster if I had to care for a child, I even know I’m a good babysitter. But, I don’t exactly see myself as being a good role model, nor a good risk.
I have no interest in having kids of my own. I like my nieces and nephews just fine, especially around the 10 y.o. mark, when they start to develop intellectual interests.
Health problems. I have PCOS (the leading cause of infertility among women) and abdominal adhesions from a previous gynecological problem and resulting surgery.
Husband and I took the scenic route. I’m 27; my husband is 36. I am just getting my bachelor’s, and he will not graduate from law school until he is 37. Also, we are footing the bill for the (private) law school ourselves - having children would be financially impractical for us, considering our shortened earning span.
My interests include drinking, motorcycling, international travel, and late nights, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.
Acid Lamp and I work out well together because of our mutual interests and some mutual lack of interest in children. As a kid, I didn’t get a ton of exposure to kids younger than me outside of school. I didn’t express an interest in holding or playing with the babies and toddlers of relatives and family friends, and I’m still not all that interested in kids as it is. I like some of the kids I encounter with my job and I understand them a lot better than I used to, but I still am not enamored with the idea of taking even the most well-behaved child home, if even for a few hours. There’s a lot more complex stuff going on with me, though.
I am 25 years old and cannot visualize myself as being of an appropriate age to have children. I am intensely disinterested in pregnancy and am not interested in having another large mammal to clean up after; the dog and Acid Lamp provide enough excitement on that front for now. I’m just starting on the road to having a full career ahead of me, and I’d consider it a waste of my time and money to stop now just to pass on a name or have someone to take care of me when I’m old or whatnot. I have goals that do not pertain to having progeny, but do pertain to having enough time and money to achieve them. I want to live comfortably when I’m old and I want enough free time to be able to invest in my own hobbies. I want to be able to live in a house with my SO that we designed and have built for ourselves. I want a big garden and good food and wonderful handmade items that I was able to construct by myself for my pleasure and for others’ pleasure. I don’t want to restrict the items I buy or the way I decorate my house so that it’s not going to be dangerous for children.
These are not goals that I could see being attained if I have children any time soon, and it’s not fair to give birth to a child after the age of 40 because you’ll be nearing 60 or older by the time they graduate high school and it puts far too much of a burden of worry on any decent, caring child to deal with that kind of relationship. My parents are in their sixties right now, and I feel that I would not personally be able to handle the aging of my parents compared to my own burgeoning adulthood if I were more than two years younger. I also believe that there’s no point in having kids if you don’t strongly want them; it’s not fair to a kid to be just lukewarm about the idea of them existing and only sort of liking them. I have the capacity to love and nurture intensely, but I just don’t feel that kind of warmth or capacity to love when it comes to the idea of having kids, as I view having children of my own to be more of a burden than a goal or a wish.
Put me in the “missing the desire to have kids entirely” camp. You can also put me in the “doesn’t particularly like children” camp, too. I don’t really see the cuteness in babies; they look very strange to me.
I start with no desire to have kids, and end with many, many good reasons to not have them. I think the only reason people do have kids is simply because they want them (and people tend to think of CBC people as selfish. :dubious: )
For all you other CBC folk out there who are tired of being questioned about your reproductive choices, my husband and I have come up with, “We’re not allowed to have children” as our stock answer. People don’t seem to know what to do with that.
Featherlou, I’m young enough that “I’m not ready to have kids! I’m a student! I’m poor!” generally tends to work out okay. However, we live in an area where I’m a strange exception. Most of the households in the neighborhood with a heterosexual couple in them tend to have at least one kid; often enough, it’s two kids with more on the way.
I don’t really have the personality to be a good parent (irresponsible, selfish, impatient) and I don’t have the inclination. My fiance militantly dislikes kids, and his family has a history of Aspergers. We’re 24/25 so it’s early days yet, but it’s looking unlikely.
My parents know and are fine with it - one of my dad’s friends told him to pressure us, but dad shrugged and said he was too old to deal with grandkids. I love my daddy. I don’t think his parents know yet. They’re not the sort of bug us about it, but I know his mother will be secretly disappointed - she has visions of spoiling gorgeous mixed-race grandkids.
I’ve only “come out” - for lack of a better term - as not wanting kids fairly recently. Those I know IRL who don’t want kids… we all kind of feel it’s something you shouldn’t admit. Like being an atheist.
My wife and I are starting to talk about having kids, but to honest, I would be fine if we don’t. My reasons:
I enjoy my work, feel it is important, and don’t want to slow down;
I travel a lot (some years, more than 50% of the time) that would have to change;
My work can be adventerous requiring certain risks that as a parent I wouldn’t be able to do;
We live overseas in a pretty difficult environment, we’d probably have to move somewhere more stable (ie boring);
In the states, I like living in the city and if having a kid means moving to the suburbs, I would rather not have kids;
Kids seem burdensome to me. When I think about being a parent, I kind of like the idea of having them when they are old enough to do stuff with. I imagine going snorkeling with them, or trekking in the jungle. But there are a few years there where they are just absolute lumps and they sound like anchors around your neck.
I get pretty tired of people asking me. My friends/family know my feelings, and have for many years. If I meet someone new who asks if I have children, I kind of wrinkle my nose and say “Oh no, not for me.” If they ask anything more, I try to look very concerned and say “That’s pretty personal, why do you ask?”
Just last month I finally told my mother that I don’t see myself having kids. (She adores my boyfriend and after the inevitable" do you think you will get married?" came the “what about kids?”)
Affirmative to the first, negative on the second.
I told her the truth…that I think you have to really WANT kids to have kids, or it isn’t fair to you or to them. So unless you can’t see yourself NOT having kids, why take that chance? It’s not like you can return them, or decide halfway through that it was a bad idea.
People say “But you’d be a great mom!”
Um, what makes you say that? The hours I keep? My tiny savings account? My bartending job? My fondness for nights out with vodka and the girls? My laziness?
To that they say, “Oh, well, you’d change!”
I don’t want to change. Especially not for a tiny tyrant who didn’t ask to be here, and who must thus always come first. For the rest of my life. Parenthood is a serious business. I respect it enough to leave it to the people who really really crave it.
I don’t think his parents know yet. They’re not the sort of bug us about it, but I know his mother will be secretly disappointed - she has visions of spoiling gorgeous mixed-race grandkids.