I don’t get the whole “you’re selfish” thing either. Making a concious and mature decision NOT to bring a life into the world that you really don’t desire is selfish? I could see that if the world population was in trouble. But it’s not and I think it’s rather unselfish to be CBC or CF.
Some parents are actually the selfish ones. I’ve seen instances where Mom has 5 kids and desperately wants another one and gets upset if she can’t get preggers. I think 5 kids is more than enough and WHY do people need to have that many? Really, why? Because “I want them”, isn’t that selfish?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti child by any means but I think things need to be put in perspective at times.
I can see where the perception of CBC people being selfish comes from (I’m a member of a No Kidding social group) - members of our group live pretty sweet lives, with the travelling and the nice homes and the loving relationships with their spouses. People just don’t make the connection that their decision to have a child who has turned their lives upside down was also a selfish one.
Exactly. And so many parents want to have their own kids rather than adopt. They want clones of themselves that they can adore. OK, I understand the evolutionary principle behind it, but sheesh.
I must say that I’m impressed with the SDMB here. Not a single person has come into this thread to argue with our choices. Respect.
I can easily imagine that there are married people who, when they think of having children, are simply not drawn to do that. It could be as simple as, “Do you want tea or not?” and just not wanting tea right then. My wife and I raised two sons and are eagerly anticipating our first grandchild, but I can completely understand someone looking around their home and thinking, “I really don’t want to clutter/mess/fill this up with children and their stuff.” I think that’s the really great thing about reproductive freedom of choice.
Personally, I can’t imagine my life without my boys and their wives and their children. I love a full, messy, noisy house. But it’s not for everybody, and people who opt to not have kids shouldn’t think they have to have a reason. Nobody owes anyone an explanation for their reproductive choices.
Of course, people like **Annie X-mas ** may have given the topic long, heart-rending consideration and made a decision they think is right. It may even have caused some personal pain or a sense of loss. But I have to respect and even admire the choice and the person’s integrity in sticking with it. (But I have to agree, Annie, that having been abused doesn’t automatically mean you have to complete the cycle. Judging from your many posts, I think you’re exactly the kind of person to break that cycle. I can’t address the genetic issue you mentioned, however.)
I often say that I can’t bear children, so there are several meanings, and people can interpret it however their filters allow. Further questioning results in an icy stare over the tops of my glasses.
I’ve simply never wanted to have children. I don’t dislike kids, and I really do enjoy watching other people having fun with their kids. It’s not so much as aversion as an absence of desire.
I’ve been aware of feeling this way since some time in my teens, and I’m middle-aged now. My “biological clock” has been broken since my early 20’s, a fact which I regard with much relief.
Thank you. but I was simply not willing to take the risk. Yes, I might have broken the cycle of abuse, but if I didn’t and abused my own children, it would have totally broken me. From 20 to 30 I was a messy, nasty drunk, from 30 to 38 I was too busy getting sober and it’s only recently I’ve stopped beng nasty. I’m still that way when I get angry or frustrated. And parenting is a lot of self-control when your children make you angry or frustrated.
I’m with you on that. I don’t want to change, I like my life.
My main reasons; I have no parental instinct at all. I don’t have some burning desire to scatter my genetic material to the four winds in the guise of an army of little people. I don’t particularly care for little kids, I don’t strongly dislike them…but I only like them in small, controlled doses.
My SO and I discussed children several times over the first 5 or so years of our relationship and concluded that even if either or both of us wanted children, that we would not make the best parental team. He was raised very leniently (his mother has told me that growing up he was only allowed to do whatever the hell he wanted to) and would want to raise kids in a somewhat similar manner. I had a more strict upbringing and would mostly follow that. It just wouldn’t work together. So, no kids for me!
You can buy a house and sell it when you don’t want it anymore. Same with a car, same with a giraffe if you so choose, but just try selling a kid when you don’t want it anymore. Ebay is run by a bunch of close minded dicks.
I’d like to add that some of the people who are aghast when they found out I didn’t want and didn’t have any children are also aghast that my sister the lesbian did want and did have children.
There’s a serious double standard there. Every woman in the entire world should want and have children, excepting the lesbos.
It’s too expensive to have children. Food, clothing, cost of extra space, education, child care, health care.
Even without children, everyday chores take up too much time. In American society. there are no servants or extended family members to take care of daily chores – cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, home repairs. There is no one to help with child care.
When you have children, their needs and preferences not only become priorities, but (as I look at people around me) they become exclusive – every single non-employment-related activity is based on the needs or the preferences of the children.
One might have doubts about one’s ability to handle the stress of being responsible for children.
I find the kind of people who worry about whether you have children, get married, whatever; have a very specific bluepring in their head that everyone else in the world should follow. I have come to the conclusion that they are miserable and want everyone else to be miserable.
