Children addressing adults as "ma'am" or "sir"

In My Humble Opinion
61

[QUOTE=spoke-]
I grew up in the rural South, and it is common in these parts to hear children addressing adults as “sir” or “ma’am”. But my parents (both well-raised) never taught me to do that. I think they were concerned that regular use of such honorifics might lead to a habit of being deferential. Let’s face it: not everyone who’s older deserves automatic deference.
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I don’t think of it as a deferential thing, just as addressing people with courtesy and respect–not “you are my elder and I automatically respect you” but “you are another human being on this planet and I respect you as such”. I was never taught or even suggested to call my parents sir or ma’am, or other family members for that matter, we just used the family title: Aunt Laurie, Uncle Joe.

62

I grew up in the south (little ‘s’ - Virginia, as opposed to the South, like Alabama or Georgia), and most of my friends used ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ when addressing their parents. My parents grew up in Los Angeles, so they were a bit more liberal.

Occasionally, my kids have called me sir when they know I’ve been very angry with them, but most of the time, it’s Dad or Daddy when they were younger. I don’t mind being called sir by strangers (especially when I’m a customer in a business), but it’s a bit uncomfortable for me when my kids say it. However, I’ll use it with my customers as a sign of respect (I’m in B2B sales, mostly on the phone–and not telemarketing–blech).

63

I never liked calling my professors by their first name. To me, it seemed like a faux “we’re all buddies here” pretence. You’re my professor, you’re not my friend. You’re the one assigning my grade. One of my professors called all of his students Mr. and Ms. LastName, which I kind of liked.

This may be very old-fashioned, but I wish it was more acceptable to use Mr. or Ms. with other adults I don’t know well. It’s a way of addressing people with respect but without familiarity. I don’t necessarily want to be buddy-buddy with the the customer service rep or the doctor’s receptionist. (But I probably just outed my self as having an inner age of eighty.)

64

[QUOTE=burundi]
One of my professors called all of his students Mr. and Ms. LastName, which I kind of liked.
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I quite like the custom in boys’ schools or the military, of addressing students by their surname only.

"Blasted piece of luck getting your leg blown off like that, eh, Carruthers?

65

I raised my kids to use ‘Sir’ or ‘Ma’am’ for adults they didn’t know; and names (with titles) for adults they did know. We never required them to use ‘Sir’ or ‘Ma’am’ with us – that seems way too formal. I certainly never called my parents ‘Sir’ or ‘Ma’am,’ and I came from a military family (as did my own kids).

66

I grew up in the '60’s and '70’s knowing how powerful “Sir” and “Ma’am” were in addressing adults. Using them automatically got you a notch or two higher in their estimation. This came in really handy when it was important to suck up, as with your date’s father. Saying “yes” rather than “yeah” also was a good thing.

Now that I’m 50, it works on me.

67

[QUOTE=Antinor01]
I wouldn’t like being addressed as sir by every kid I see at all. I have a name and I prefer it to be used when I am being spoken to.
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This is the only criticism against calling random strangers ‘Sir’ or ‘Ma’am’ that I’ve ever heard. And it’s always struck me as really, really odd. I mean, I don’t want some random kid whom I barely know coming up to me and using my name, just because he or she heard it used, and figured that’s how they should address me. Hell’s Bells, I hate it when the clerk at the bank, or the supermarket, starts trying to use my personal name.

It may be a sign of something about me, but I prefer to consider my personal name as a gift of usage I give to people, as a sign of closeness or respect. Having some 8 yo whom I’d never met before that day using it would grate on me greatly.

I don’t insist on that dichotomy with kids I know well, of course - The Monster and her brother both call me “Uncle” which seems an appropriate less formal address. But, for the most part, even loved children are not my social equals, and I would prefer they not assume a mode of address that implies that they think they are.

(Yeah, I know, I’ve got a huge stick up my butt.)

But yeah, growing up in Massachusetts in the 80’s where I insisted on this usage (Less because my parents insisted on it, though it was how I was trained, than because I find social formality to be a useful shield against people in general.) it was considered an odd way of speaking, even then.

Antinor01, I’m just using your quote to springboard my own post, not because I think your position is indefensible or offensive. Not my own taste, but that’s why YMMV. :wink:

68

My kids use Mr. and Ms. The best formula was used by kids on a shoot my daughter was on. They called the parents of other kids Mrs. Mary’s Mom or Mr. Peter’s Dad. This worked since no one remembered anyone else’s last names, and it was both respectful and useful.

The freakiest example of respect I’ve experienced was an Air Force guy in one of the classes I taught in grad school who kept calling me sir, despite the fact that I was only a few years older and had very long hair. I resisted doing a Patty but with difficulty.

69

I just want to point out that in the South, use of “sir” or “ma’am” does not imply age. It is simply polite. Although I wouldn’t call my friends “ma’am” or “sir,” it does sometimes slip out when talking to them.

Friend: Hey, Lit, could you hand me that cup of coffee?
Me: Yes, ma’am – here ya go.

It’s habit. It’s civility. It’s one of the very few things I love about the South. But, then again, I love that men hold doors open for me, or walk between me and the road or offer to lift heavy items for me – I am something of a throwback.

70

[QUOTE=Litoris]
I just want to point out that in the South, use of “sir” or “ma’am” does not imply age. It is simply polite. <snip> It’s habit. It’s civility.
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Exactly. (Especially that part about it being habitual.)

[QUOTE=Litoris]
But, then again, I love that men hold doors open for me, or walk between me and the road or offer to lift heavy items for me – I am something of a throwback.
[/QUOTE]

Ma’am, can we talk?

Most of my female friends up North are Northern born and/or bred, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told, “Li’l Pluck, sit down,” whenever I stand at the table for them to leave/approach, or how often I’m waved away whenever I maneuver myself to open the car door for them, etc., etc.

And the thing is, they KNOW that it’s not that I think less of women–I happen to be a very pro-feminist man–but I reckon that it’s just that they’re not used to this kind of treatment from guys up here. Or maybe they think they’re putting me out somehow. Or whatever, I don’t know, but it seems to freak them out.

On the other hand, my female–oops, lady–friends who are (a) older, and/or (b) have roots in the South/are themselves Southern really tend to appreciate this kind of treatment (I LOVE hearing, “Oh, Li’l Pluck, you treat me like a queen.”)* I mean, damn, it’s really no trouble for me at all.

(And, believe it or not, even those women who protest seem to have gotten used to me maneuvering to walk between them and the roadway. That’s progress, no?)

So, yeah, Litoris, bring the throwback on! :wink:
*It occurs to me, of course, that were I a heterosexual man, I could…uh, well, you KNOW…**much ** more often than I do now. :smiley:

71

[QUOTE=gfloyd]
I was raised that people have names and to use them. I would never dream of calling my parents sir or ma’am. I think they’d check me for a fever. I never called adults other than teachers Mr or Mrs or what have you. I was on a first name basis with almost all of my professors in college. I find needless formalities demeaning (to both parties). When I was a TA, I couldn’t stand students that called me anything other than Sarah. I’d ask them to use my first name and they still wouldn’t and it drove me nuts. And that was in California!

I don’t think I’ve used Sir or Ma’am outside of dealing with customers at work ever. All people are equal, none of this more equal as a sign of respect thing.
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I feel the exact same way. I suppose my default would have been to call an unknown adult Mr. or Mrs. Whoever, but I would expect that to change into a first name relatively quickly. My parents are Mom and Dad, my aunts and uncles are all just their first names, as are friends of the family.

In fact, it drove my mom crazy to be called Mrs. [LastName] by my friends when I was growing up. “That’s my mother-in-law. I’m Marilyn.” She would say. When I TA, I introduce myself to my students as Lauren, and I expect to be called that.

The idea of calling my mom ‘ma’am’ gives me the willies.

72

Both of my parents came from very large, tight-knit families, and I spent a lot of time with my aunts and uncles. I was also the only child on both sides of my family until I was six years of age, and I didn’t spend much time with other kids. The result: I always prefered treating adults the way they treated other adults instead of the way children were supposed to treat adults. Although I did refer to my teachers in school as Mr. or Ms. or Mrs. X, in the “real” world I would always greet new adult figures as such: “It’s good to meet you, Bob and Sue. I’m Freezair SilverEye.” Threw more than a few people off-guard. This evolved as I grew; when I became a teenager, I tended to treat children in the same way I’d treat an adult. There was a period in which I had to walk my sister home from school, and while I waited for her to get out of class, I always seemed to garner a lot of hangers-on who admired me for being respectful toward them.

But I think it’s perfectly alright to refer to people as Mr. or Ms., or even sir or ma’am. I actually rather like being called “ma’am” by strangers. But this doesn’t have so much to do with courtesy as it does with the fact that, being rather short, I am frequently mistaken for someone 13 or 14 years old. Strangers will often try to call me “sweetie,” especially if I’m being rather airheaded in my usual fashion. Lord, I hate that. It’s so condescending. Why must young girls all be “honey” and “sweetie” in our society? I oughta chug a liter of diet root beer and give 'em an almighty belch. See if they think I’m so sweet then!

Strangers, I implore of you: Call me ma’am, miss, or just call me by my name should you know it. None of this “sweetie” nonsense.

73

[QUOTE=Dung Beetle]
I just got my son back from a prolonged visit to his grandma’s house. Last night, I asked him a question and he answered me, “Yes ma’am”. I looked at him as if he had just grown another head and he explained that his grandma had really been after him to start using that word when he addressed her.

I didn’t say anything to that, but I probably will if he keeps it up because I really don’t care for it being used on me by my own children. I think it’s great for kids to “sir” or “ma’am” their elders (I do it myself), but not their own family members, for pete’s sake! (Except Grandma Cathy, who never made me do it…)

So anyway, I thought I’d ask for opinions on this subject. Do your children address you in this way? Did your parents teach you to do it, and what were your feelings about that?
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Parents are absolutely the best for them to practice on. You should encourage them to continue addressing you as ma’am.

Courtesy and respect are two of the things we stress in Taekwondo training, and I beg my parents to help reinforce the use of “sir” and “ma’am” at home.

74

The one place where it was essential that I use this courtesy was to my mother. It was required – especially when there was a disagreement between us or if she was in one of her moods.

The person to whom I gladly took every opportunity to offer this respect was my father.

With everyone else it came naturally. There was even “Yessireebob!” for emphasis.

I will probably call my grandchildren “Sweetie” or “Sugar” until I’m pushing up daisies. That is second nature to me. I have called many adolescents by those names because they are terms of endearment and I loved my students. I also called them “rascal” from time to time. They knew that I was not being condescending.

Language choices are a code. Don’t try to use a New England secret decoder ring to interpret what is meant by a code used in the Kingdom of Skullbonia in Tennessee. (That’s where my mother was actually born.)

75

I grew up as an Army officer’s brat. The use of “sir” and “ma’am” was just…well…normal. Along with having tanks driving through the backyard, waving to the heavily armed sentries while entering or leaving post, hopping out of the pool at 16:50 to await the ritual lowering of the post flag, living in neighborhoods segregated by rank (race, creed and color being irrelevant), and a thousand other bits of daily life that were an unquestioned part of growing up military.

My father retired from the Army in 89, and the ROTC recruitment officers never called me again once I let it slip I had asthma. I’ve hardly set foot on a military reservation in over 10 years. But you can’t take the military out of the brat…at least not this one. I use military time as a matter of course, spit shine my shoes on occasion (no hospital corners, though), and sit through the occasional John Wayne marathon. I’d rather stab myself in the eye with a sharp stick than be rude to someone without a damned good reason, and I continue to refer to folks as “sir and ma’am”. It’s just part of the way I was raised.

76

I was born and raised in Nashville and you better BELIEVE we said ma’am and sir. I’m 23 and I still do it. The people I work with really hate it. I only said it to my parents though when I was in trouble. In public my mom would pinch me if I forgot to address someone as such so now its just completely ingrained.

77

[QUOTE=TheLoadedDog]
I quite like the custom in boys’ schools or the military, of addressing students by their surname only.

"Blasted piece of luck getting your leg blown off like that, eh, Carruthers?
[/QUOTE]

Well, I went to boys’ schools, and I absolutely abominated that, mostly due to the students and teachers who used my last name in a tone of caustic contempt.

In my case, anyone who actually is entitled to call me by my first name calls me Matt; only my mom and other relatives call me Matthew. Accordingly, I absolutely hate it when other people call me by my first name in the mistaken impression they’re being friendly, because they inevitably call me Matthew. The effect that creates is not one of casual comfort and friendliness; it’s one of a forced, inappropriate attempt at familiarity. I will feel much more comfortable and at ease with you if you call me by a name I actually use: Mr. _mcl, not Matthew. And if you don’t know my name, call me “sir,” as I do to you.

Following clarification, I just wanted to say that while I use “sir” or “ma’am” for people whose names I don’t know, for people whose names I do know, I use Mr. or Ms. with their last names. (Point of interest: In French, I understand it’s considered incorrect to call a person “monsieur Dupont” or “madame Tremblay” to their face; you’re just supposed to say “monsieur” or “madame,” unless you need to make it clear whom you’re addressing out of a group of people.)

78

I absolutely despise being called “Sir” by people- I find it patronising in the extreme.

Similarly, I refuse to call other people “Sir” or “Ma’am”.

79

In high school, a friend of mine spent a year in Scotland as an exchange student. Her host mom hit the roof the first time my friend called her “ma’am.” She thought my friend was making fun of her, when she was just trying to be polite. It was a long year, especially since my friend, who’d grown up in North Carolina, reflexively called all adults “sir” and “ma’am.” She made an honest effort to stop doing it, but the mom would get insulted every time a “ma’am” slipped out.

80

To those who don’t like being called “Sir” or “Ma’am,” how would they prefer that strangers get their attention (as in “____? ! Your backpack is open!" or "? Could you show me these vacuum cleaner attachments, please?”