Warning: Long
First, can you old timers believe it’s been 15 years since I first posted about my twins being born? I find it hard to believe. Here’s a link to the original post from 2004: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=293583&highlight=chinettes&page=4. I think it’s been 3 or 4 years since the last update. And, as always, want to say thank you to these boards for being able to vent, share and get validation over the years.
TL : DR Twin A had a quick, uneventful birth. Twin B had a rough birth, was blue and not breathing on her own for 45 minutes, went straight into the NICU, didn’t walk for a few years, didn’t talk for a few more years, and was diagnosed on the autism spectrum at 5 1/2 years old a few months after we relocated from Shanghai to the Seattle area, where we are now.
So, the update: twins are now freshmen in High School and eldest is a 2nd year film school student at a good university in LA. China Wife is back in her native Shanghai for an extended period, and we will finalize our divorce probably in feb or mar next year. Wife needs to figure out her head, and I am proving that I can handle the twins as a single Dad (thankyouverymuch).
Twin B (Apgar to those of you from the original thread) remains a happy bunny and a joy. Conversation abilities are really picking up, and she is expressing pretty complex thoughts. Academically, is in a wonderful public school that is 6-12th grade, and takes a combination of 1:1 classes, and mainstreams in middle school classes with a 1:1 aide. The other kids are pretty kind to her and she’s got real peer interaction. They even do stuff like have a lunch buddies group once a week. 6th grade science is a challenge but a class she really enjoys and is starting to figure out. Still lots of gaps but trying to fill those. For example, science went over “respiratory systems” but we figured out in the process that she didn’t understand what a “system” is. Now she does. Works hard at school, and has ABA therapy every day after school
For cool stuff, she learned how to ski with a great program called Outdoors For All. We will hit the slopes on 5 January for 7 weekly lessons. This is year 3. Last year, Serena mastered not only the bunny slope but also could get from the top to the bottom skiing behind her instructor with a wingman behind from one of the longer runs. Dad decided to pick up snowboarding after a 25 year break, and that was initially really painful but has been fun. Twin A, B and I go up every Saturday for 2 months, and it is good fun. Next year we might even be able to do it ourselves without a coach. We went to an arcade today, and she figured out the Terminator shooting program and had a blast playing completely by herself.
The other great milestone is that Twin B’s sleep issues have disappeared. Before we moved to the US, Twin B would sleep between 8pm and midnight, wake up in the middle of the night 2-5 times per week for a few hours, and was cranky owing to sleep deprivation and inability to communicate. After we moved to the US at 5 ½ years old, Twin B started a very low dose of sleep meds. It would put her to sleep, and she would wake up most nights for a second dose and be back to sleep within a half an hour. Not great but better living thru chemicals. Made life easier not only for Twin B but also for the entire family. No longer felt like I had permanent jet lag. A few months ago, Twin B started going to sleep early on her own without medication and not waking up! OK, sometimes she gets up as early as 5:00am, but usually more like 6 or 7. She energetically empties the dishwasher, which usually wakes me up. So, I get up, make breakfast, and try to grab a bit more sleep while she plays on the computer. It is pretty awesome and her sleep deprivation is long in the past
To switch gears, Twin A has had an eventful few years recently. Not at all happy with puberty kicking in and body changes. Anxiety issues kicked in big time (which happens to a significant number of girls at this time). Was borderline eating disorder but made a lot of progress with an anxiety workshop we did for a few months at the local Children’s Hospital. While the eating disorder was dodged and the anxiety is much better, then is still a worrisome level of suicidal thoughts pinging thru the brain.
3 days before starting as a freshman in High School, Twin A came to my room (wife has been living upstairs and I downstairs before wife went back to Shanghai on Thanksgiving).
“Dad, I’ve got good news and bad news for you. You’ve gained a son and lost a daughter.” Thus, coming out to me as Trans. My words of wisdom for anyone else that runs into this is “you’re my child, I love you, and here with you on the journey.”
Puberty also caused Twin A to have sleep issues (which were tracked over a 2 week medical bracelet monitoring system). So, started a mild medication for that, and now is getting probably a solid 8 hours a day of shut eye, which is a huge improvement.
So, school got sorted. My son did an incredibly brave and mature thing, and started out freshman year in a small school by “I prefer “Todd*” and “he/him”. School has been very supportive, and addresses him by the new name. No bullying as far as I can tell. He isn’t the first trans child that has gone thru the school. And, thankfully, it’s a different world since the 1970’s when I was in high school. We got into the local children’s hospital gender clinic, have 2 months of therapy starting in January, I’m working on arranging some private therapy for him, and going down this journey.
If you’re like me, the stereotype is born in the wrong body and observers thinking that’s not a girl but a boy from early on. As the gender clinic explained to me, that is one profile. Another very common profile is that puberty changes also change the way one views oneself (and doesn’t fit that little child stereotype). I am fully supportive of the journey no matter where it will end up. He hasn’t come out to Mom yet, and we are going to figure out how to do this remotely right after Xmas. (It’s not fair for him to come out, but it’s also a huge stressor and frankly I need this out in the open to negotiate final divorce and custody terms. I am trying for 100% custody to provide a safe haven.)
China Wife simply still can’t handle the eldest child’s sexual orientation, who came out 4 years ago as gay. Now identifies as gender fluid, non-binary. I’m done. If one refuses therapy, finds refuge in anti-depressants and can’t figure out how to accept your own child after 4 years, then honestly don’t think this is something the-soon-to-be-ex-wife will ever come to grips with. I’ve come to accept it is beyond her ken.
So, pretty mundane and pointless, but I thought some of you would like an update.
Happy Holidays to all.
*Not using real names these days and making a modicum of effort to mask real identities.
