Warning: long
Think it’s about time to give an update on my twins. Old timers might remember my post from Christmas Eve 2004 or the coming home update. Long story short, my second twin had a rough birth, was blue and not breathing on her own for 45 minutes, went straight into the NICU, didn’t walk for a few years, didn’t talk for a few more years, and was diagnosed on the autism spectrum at 5 1/2 years old a few months after we relocated from Shanghai to Seattle.
We moved to the Seattle area in 2010 to get more help for my daughter as I weaseled an internal transfer to a new position at Microsoft. The day we moved was the first day that my wife and daughters had been to the Seattle area. My wife and kids were all born and raised in Shanghai, and had visited the US before, but moving here was the first time for an extended stay. It’s taken a while to get fully settled and acclimated (and the grey drizzly winters that can last for 8 months do take a toll despite the glorious summers)
Well, Audrey and Serena (aka Apgar to you old timers) started 6th grade/middle school this fall. It is a combined middle/high school that requires winning a lottery to get in. FWIW, the school is very highly ranked in the US, but more importantly only has about a hundred kids per grade and has a great supportive community. The principal runs a tight ship and brokers no shit. Since elder sister waitlisted for 3 years and then started as a high school freshman, and siblings are grandfathered in, so this means all three of my kids are going to the same school for the first time ever. 
Eldest daughter now has a driver’s license and a second hand car, and drives all of them to school and eldest twin home after school. That’s a huge relief.
Audrey is 11 going on teenage rebellion, angst and boy craziness. She spent a few years not standing out in a gifted program, and has taken to her new non-gifted school like a duck to water. Audrey has the “middle child” syndrome in spades, and that’s one reason why we didn’t let her continue in the gifted program (and man, some of those kids are truly gifted instead of just run of the mill smart with involved parents). She’s also trying to swear like a sailor (not a problem as long as she code switches and I never get “that” call from school) or doesn’t rub off on her twin. So far so good. I’m sure one of these days I will slip up and demonstrate that her preacher’s kid father can give a sailor a run for their swearing money but it’s been very rare for me to swear in front of my kids. Hard to believe. All is well.
Serena is on the autism spectrum and real time events around her birth were detailed in the linked thread above. When we moved to the US when the twins were 5 1/2. Serena only spoke about 20 words. Serena’s speech started to slowly improve that first week. Probably it was the stimulation, outdoor exercise, and new environment. We found a truly wonderful speech pathologist that knew how to reach Serena, and Carly worked wonders for about 2 years. Frankly, I was shocked when Carly said that “Serena has improved to where I can’t really help her any further.” It was a huge improvement, I learned dozens of tips and tricks on how to reach Serena better, but it was a far cry from neurotypical development.
We got an autism diagnosis in about 5 months after moving to Seattle. This was considered extremely fast going through the medical bureaucracy and using a private doctor for the diagnosis. A couple of months later, we started ABA therapy, that continues with the same program manager today. ABA has yielded slow steady improvements over these past 6 years. Serena also was in special needs classes in public schools for 5 years with limited breakouts to main stream classes. Let’s just say that the folks at the public school tried very hard, but that the other special needs kids were not good role models, and neither was Serena. My heart about broke when we sat in on the mainstream 4th grade history class, and 3 special needs kids including my daughter were brought in to a tiny shared desk in the back of class and basically coached to not disrupt the regular class. They were simply too far behind with no way to catch up. I don’t blame the school, and the teachers/aides truly worked hard and loved working with Serena and the other kids, but it was not a recipe for success
We then arranged a full time therapist teaching 1:1 using an on line school program at home last school year for 5th grade. (Thank god I worked for a company that has the best autism benefits in the US). Serena worked it hard from 9:00 - 3:00 every day with almost no breaks. Finished the school year somewhere between 2nd and 3rd grade levels for reading, writing and arithmetic. We got a real baseline for her ability, knowledge base, and that she has the memory of an elephant.
We heard the last few days of the school year that the middle/high school combination my eldest attends actually had some special needs kids. We didn’t think the school was a possibility as the district sends special needs kids to one of the hub schools that has a special needs program. Then admissions said we hadn’t applied for the lottery for Serena, so that would be a hurdle. And that the special needs coordinator/lead teacher was already out for the summer. Fast forward to August, and we met with the special needs coordinator, who bent over backwards to be accommodating. A week later, we met the “team” and the principal. I was fully expecting to be diplomatically turned down. Instead, the message was “we absolutely want your daughter to come here, be part of our student community, and also help teach diversity.” Then and only then they asked how disabled Serena was. The first question was “is she verbal?” My point being the level of her disability was completely immaterial to the decision. It was a very nice surprise.
We asked her sisters if they would like Serena to attend their schools. Both said they would love to have Serena at the same school. And they are her champions at school (in different ways for sure).
We just completed the IEP process. Serena’s PT and OT therapists shared the assessments they did, and the recommendation of both as that Serena’s time could be better spent in the classroom. That while Serena obviously has room for improvement, they felt they had productively maximized what she could get at school breakout sessions. They will keep doing adaptive recommendations. Our ABA program therapist cried happy tears at the news as the therapists have been working really hard to help Serena get where she is over the past 6 years. I volunteered to run on the “long day” runs with 6th grade PE class that both my twins attend, so 3-5 miles every Friday starting in January (among other cool things, the school my kids attend run cross country 2x a week rain or shine). The PE guy is great. He often splits the class between the competitive kids and the kids that just want to have fun, and the kids that want to have fun work to make sure that Serena gets the ball, makes a goal, has high fives, etc.
So, Serena now goes to school with her two sisters. She does a shortened day with mainstream classes in French, PE, Choir, and a special needs breakout class, followed by some ABA therapy after school. The folks at school have been great, accommodating, and as I wrote above, extremely inclusive.
My eldest is a great kid. Very artistic and works hard at it. She’s putting together her portfolio for art school. Did a serious 5 week 6 hour a day ACT summer prep course with 4 hours of homework per night. Paid off with a 34 out of 35. (Yes, I have an inner struggle with prepping for college entrance exams. Let’s just say, the first time I know what “AP” stood for was when my freshman year roommate in the dorm asked me how many AP credits I had, and my honest answer was "WTF is AP?). She came out as bi to us close to a year ago. I can’t say I “knew” 100% but it wasn’t a surprise. In fact, over a year ago, when I was driving her to school. We had one of our morning conversations. I explained "I know you’re a good kid, you’re going to want to start dating. I don’t have a problem with you dating as you’re responsible. Do understand* I* am going to have an adjustment problem just 'cause you’re growing up, but that’s *my problem *and not yours. And I really don’t care if you like boys, girls or both. "
Silence.
“Awkward.”
“have a great day at school.”
That was it until she came out.
My wife has had a real struggle with that. I’m not sure why. People of her generation born and raised in China then moved as professionals to the US seem to be pretty evenly split between “non-existent issue” and Rush Limbaugh “marriage is between a man and a woman.” It has been bad but she seems to finally becoming accepting of our daughter’s “born this way” but still has a long way to go to accept marriage equality, bathroom choice, etc. Weird. Especially given my wife is totally accepting of post op transexuals (she gets “born in the wrong body” and there is a really famous Shanghaiese TV talk show host who is transexual that my wife just adores. I don’t want to get into it any deeper but it’s been a real marriage stressor.
My eldest just got her license. So she drives her sisters to school, and the middle girl home. It’s been a huge help. Especially as my wife had to go home to Shanghai to take care of elderly parents that are going through some health issues. I often have to do concalls with the mother ship in Taiwan and China, and often have to turn around requests overnight. So, having my eldest drive, and all sisters being able to cook a few meals, has been really helpful. Heck, they have interrupted more than a few concalls to sneak in a burger, Japanese curry, lamb shikabobs or some cookies.
The school had their middle school Winter choir concert about 2 weeks ago. It was amazing to sit in the audience and see both twins on stage side by side singing 3 songs as part of the choir. I could see that Serena had special needs, any of the audience members paying close attention might have noticed a few things not neurotypical, Audrey did a little not-so-subtle coaching next to Serena on stage, and I sat in the audience with great big tears rolling unabashedly down my cheeks. 12 years ago, I never thought we would get from there to here.
Not to stealth brag any more than I have so far, but we booked a family vacation 6 months ago at an all inclusive resort in Jamaica for a great price. All inclusives are great for kids. Serena has been doing stuff with either one/both of her sisters and/or me this week. I can leave her alone in the room for an hour and she entertains herself with a tablet or doing word search, connect the dots, or basic math and I’m not worried about her running off, opening the door, or climbing out the balcony. My wife unexpectedly had to go to Shanghai to help her parents with 2 separate health crisis. Me and the girls came here, and our whole family will all get home on Christmas Eve to celebrate China Twins 12th birthday. Serena has been a real trooper. We did a really easy but fun snorkeling trip today, with Serena doing it about 2/3rds of the time before wanting to swim back to the boat. We’re going to do a low key zip line and river inner tubing on Friday. She lasted longer at the Michael Jackson tribute show tonight than both her twin and her eldest.
That’s a really long winded way of saying, at the end of the day, it finally seems like I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a tall summit, but Serena has climbed more than a small way up the mountain and keeps making progress every day. I don’t mean to over emphasize Serena as her twin and my eldest are also both doing great.
