I know this may seem cold hearted, but it seems to me that all of the siblings (including your girlfriend) want the same thing, which is Christmas without having to go visit the parents, it’s just that they’re all better at getting it than your girlfriend is.
They’ve all decided that getting what they want is more important than making sure their parents have a nice Christmas, and your girlfriend has decided the opposite. That’s why she (and you) go to Wales every Christmas and the siblings don’t. Right?
So, if the siblings care more about themselves than they do about their parents it might be helpful to imagine spending Christmas day in your own home in London with your girlfriend, knowing that her parents were spending the day with another sibling rather than you, but a sibling who was there under duress and didn’t care as much as you do.
That’s probably what getting what you want would feel like, and since it sounds like you and your girlfriend are nice people that probably wouldn’t feel very good.
So if the reality is feeling stressed and resentful while you go visit the parents or feeling guilty and worried and sad while you stay home you’ll have to decide which of those situations works better for you because there probably is no possibility that one of the siblings suddenly decides to actually care about how their parents spend the holiday.
Like I always say: you can’t make an asshole slap his forehead and say geez, I’ve been such an asshole! It just never happens.
All we have to go by is what you’ve written, and what you’ve written reads really angry and really hostile toward the siblings. And it’s bothering your girlfriend to the point where she’s already stressing about next Christmas.
The siblings don’t share her vision of Christmas. That’s how they are. They don’t owe it to her to celebrate the holiday the way she wants them to, and she’s crossing a line when she tries to guilt them and give them orders. Her motives may be good, but what she’s doing verges on bullying.
Sounds familiar – I am in charge of every family holiday meal, as my mother is 98 (nearly blind, mostly deaf, and getting senile), but one family member who is the most well off moans and complains about doing anything at all. She would much rather never have any Christmas or Thanksgiving at all, and complains to my mother, who then tries to do things to make life less stressful for her. I might have to slaughter her this holiday. She has volunteered that all 30-odd members of the family come to my house this year, instead of my mom’s house, which is much bigger. Before this, I would just bring all the food to mom’s and cook there, which is a royal PITA, but she doesn’t go out of her house these days. Don’t know a solution, other than to grit my teeth and smile for 1 day. Probably only about 10 hours.
Yeh, um, it’s an internet forum. With strangers half way across the world from me. I don’t actually act this stuff out in front of my in-laws. I simmer with fatigue, resignation and pissed-offness like half the population at Christmas.
‘Share her vision of Christmas’? She’s not goading them to take part in a nativity play, she’d just like them to visit her folks and give her a break. That isn’t bullying, that’s calling them out when they’re being (a) crap children and (B) crap siblings.
The parents aren’t asking for it, the other siblings don’t want to do it but your girlfriend feels it’s necessary but doesn’t want to be the one who does it all the time.
Unfortunately what it comes down to is that it’s only important to her and that’s why she keeps getting stuck with it. Compromise could work, is there something her siblings feel is important that your girlfriend can agree to help with so they will take occasional turns with Christmas?
Soooo, I hate to bring this up, but maybe the parents are assholes. I mean, not now. Now it sounds like they’re old and infirm and probably not much bother to anyone; however, there have been lots of posts on these boards about horrible parents doing douchy things to their kids. Without fail everyone jumps in and says ‘just don’t see them!’ or ‘You’re an adult - you don’t need the stress!’ or whatever.
So, maybe the in-laws were shit heads to their kids, the siblings get this and have elected not to be guilted into having crap Christmases anymore, and your girlfriend is carrying the load. If that’s the case, maybe she should decide to have a nice Christmas too and not worry about it. I mean, if it was a single parent, alone, in the middle of Scotland it would be a bit different, but this is a couple who have each other, make no squeeking about visitors, and could probably pay someone to provide them with a nice meal for the holiday.
Of course, maybe the parents are stars, the siblings are assholes, etc. Doesn’t change much.
That’s not her call to make, though. They have their own view of what constitutes being a good family member, and for whatever reason, it doesn’t include going home for Christmas. She doesn’t get to call them bad children because they’re not giving her the Christmas that she wants. And they’re not obligated to give her a break on something that she takes on for herself. Certainly, it’d be a nice gesture if they’d help her, but (again, for whatever reason) there doesn’t seem to be a lot of mutual respect in this family.
I feel for you; I’ve been there. But it really doesn’t have to be like that. She lives her life, they live theirs; everyone’s happier. That’s why I suggested counseling; it can help one learn when it’s best to let go.
A bit of a tangent, but the passive-aggressive anger is practically dripping from this post. My (unsolicited) advice to you would be to very calmly and politely ask your husband and daughter to stay home with you on Christmas Eve as planned, because that seems to be what you want very much. You can stay home by yourself and have a bitter, angry evening, or you can ask for what you need (I’ve been there, and I’ve done that, and we all would have been happier if I’d just asked for what I wanted).
You make a really good point. I don’t think there really is a good solution here; it’s important to SanVito’s girlfriend that her parents aren’t alone at Christmas, and it might be important to her siblings, too, but they know that SVG has it covered, so they’re free to bugger off.
SanVito, maybe you could make a different arrangement next year - arranging with her parents that you’ll come out and make a Christmas celebration for a couple of days at a different time that works for both of you (a bit earlier or later than actual Christmas), but you can’t make Christmas Day because it just doesn’t work for you. You’ll be having a nice time with her parents, and if the siblings don’t want the parents alone on Christmas, it’ll be time for them to step up.
You are never going to convince people that they “should” feel something. People are what they are. If they are not people who think family responsibilities are important, then they are not going to think family responsibilities are important. There is nothing you can do about that. You can’t make someone feel an obligation that they don’t feel. It’s just not possible,
Someone else put it best. “Other people don’t feel that they deserve your scorn.”
I agree that maybe you ought to take a year off and visit your own family without your girlfriend.
You’re absolutely right. I will do that, and I’ll tell him why. I know that’s the only way to make myself feel better, even though it still feels very wrong for me to ask him not to go.
I also know that he really does have to show up at his parents house, too. Just to keep peace in the family. Maybe he can spend not so much time there, and come back home at a reasonable hour.
I’m just being a big drama llama, is all. I know that. I need to get a grip, put on my big girl panties, and get over it. Mom has been dead for three months, and it’s time I sucked it up and moved on.
We’ve been married for nearly 26 years (on Dec. 30th!), and it’s just asinine for me to make demands like this. Really, I know better.
Not everyone has the same family values as you. I frequently butt against my mother when it comes to things like this. She lives 2 hours south of me, I’m not going to visit every weekend (though she wishes I would). The extended family sees her once or twice a year because she lives over an hour from them, and most of them are pretty poor. If she wanted people to visit her, she should have picked a house that was proximate instead of out in the fucking boonies.
For years my mom and sister both guilted me for not spending more time with my father. Well it turns out that he abused only me, a fact which I didn’t want to bring up until it kinda fell out when they were grilling me one day. Just because you have a good relationship with your parents and want to maintain it doesn’t mean your sibs will necessarily have the same feelings. You should leave it alone.
Even if your sibs lived in the same neighborhood as their parents, they may not want to spend Christmas with them. It’s not up to you.
Three months!!! Your husband needs to say to his family, “My wife’s mom died three months ago, and this is her first Christmas without her. I’m staying with her.” and that is the end of the story. Jeeze. I’m getting all indignant for you, nonacetone.
So when you go, do you take care of the Christmas dinner so they don’t have to struggle? You know, for some people it’s not a matter of, they don’t “get to” have their children visit at Christmas; it’s that they don’t “have to.”
You just need to recognize that you are doing these things because you choose to. No one is making you, but you. It doesn’t sound like anyone is calling you up and pushing you into it.
Never lose sight of the fact you choose to do this, because of who you are. Not because of who her siblings are not. You do what you do, because you could not do otherwise, I’d bet. Recognizing that, embracing that, should help you release your resentment. What you’re doing is stressful, hard, and challenging, it’s easy to let annoyance fester into resentment, and to look for someone to blame.
Truth is, if you were the sort, to turn your back on them, enjoy a Christmas without all that extra hassle, you’d have found a way to do so, prior to now. I guess I just suspect that’s not who you are.
One day they’ll be gone, the siblings and families may regret the Christmas’s they missed and couldn’t find the time. You won’t.
I’m not saying you can’t take a Christmas off. Surely you can make arrangements/inquiries, while you are there this year, to have a meal delivered in for them, perhaps some visitors, etc, whatever you feel you can take care of by making advanced arrangements. Assume the siblings aren’t coming either. Then have your Christmas without making the trek. But do so guilt free, and without blaming your in law siblings for not being the person you are.
Your post is, as you mentioned in your OP, just a rant.
Why not ask the world to be nice, and for all wars to stop? That would be easier. And, while you’re at it, quit blaming the spouses: 1. The family member married them, so fm are at least half of the equation, and 2. the family member loves spouse more than they love the parents. How do you propose to change that???
I feel sorry for you, though. You’re on the spot. Family doesn’t help out, and they won’t, ever. It isn’t in their bones. You’re the sucker.
Is there any interest on the parents’ part in getting together with their friends for Christmas?
My father and his SO live three hours away from me, so it isn’t often that I get “back home” on holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas. They do have friends around their age in a similar circumstance (family scattered to the four corners of the world) so their solution is to gather at one house and celebrate the holiday together.
Neither of my sisters feels compelled to consider our mother in making their holiday plans, so I feel like it falls to me. Whether or not it truly falls to me is, I understand, my choice. But it doesn’t feel like much of a choice when my 2 options are:
[ol]
[li]make sure mom has someplace to go that she is comfortable with[/li][li]feel the guilt of knowing she is spending a holiday alone[/li][/ol]
Yup, no one can make me feel guilty, but they can certainly encourage it!
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