I don’t know if this a multi-cultural thing, a Japanese thing, or just my family, but my memories and enjoyment of Christmas (which I don’t celebrate due to my own personal beliefs) are marred by the odd one-upmanship that my parents went through with gift giving. When my parents would open gifts from my relatives and their friends, they would comment on how they over or underspent on the gifts they gave, telling each other to make a mental note for the next year to at least monetarily match what they received. This is ingrained in me in that I’m compelled to give or do more for my friends than I receive.
I do have a positive gift giving story, though it’s not about Christmas. When I was very young, one Halloween I had to go Trick or Treating in my cousin’s neighborhood which was in a somewhat poor district. Most of the homes we visited give less candy than I was used to, but the one that stood out was an old man sitting outside his house with a five pound box of Hersey’s Kisses. When I walked up to him, he smiled and gave me one Kiss. I was shocked and told my cousin that I wanted to go back and get at least one more. After all, my paternal grandparents always had a box in their house and would let me take a least a handful whenever I visited them. My cousin (who is two years older) stopped me and told me not to since the man was poor. It took a while for me to realize that this man happily shared what little he had with children (especially me) who he didn’t even know.
Looks to me like the problem is just that you get shitty gifts.
Me, I love both giving and receiving gifts. Might come from growing up poor and now being … not poor. Although a lot of what I get and give is handmade, but that’s just because I’m a maker and a friend to other makers.
Wrapping is my favourite part, too - as creative and outré as I can make it. Especially if it’s for the Yule Gift-Giving Game (our local SCA Yankee Swap variant where presents are left wrapped till the end and are decidedly not white elephants).
Your thread prompted a discussion at our home and we decided to adopt a family instead! We will mostly do stockings, maybe one gift each, and a day of decadent food indulgence for ourselves. I am delighted we have decided to do this again.
(You get assigned a family, often a single Mom and kids, they anticipate you will give a food store gift cert (approx $20, per person), spend about $35 on gifts for each child. Parents aren’t actually included, but it’s permitted to send something, plus little extras like wrapping paper, decor, etc.)
A few years ago I suggested to my grown siblings that we not do gifts for each other anymore. I was somewhat concerned about how this would be received, but their reaction was more relief than anything. It got to be us just telling each other what to buy, which I felt was pointless because yeah, we can just go buy it for ourselves.
I’m just gonna come in with an anecdote how my family is relatively well-off while I am not. Typically, they pretend that they don’t want to give gifts to adults, but they do anyway. If they actually adhered to nobody getting gifts, that would be ok by me. But they always end up getting gifts. There were a few years there where my husband could not get employed, and I made the money. It was barely enough, the rent was very high (60% of my income), and my boss was an absolute nightmare. But since I was the only one with a job, I couldn’t quit unless I found another job, which wasn’t happening because jobs were short. My relatives knew this, as I’d mention it from time to time. I know they knew this, because later they would ask me if I managed to get out of that terrible job I was stuck in before, and if my rent was easier to pay now.
They still gave a gift to charity in my name. I’ll be totally honest. I looked at that $100 that went to buying a cow for some person I didn’t even know, and thought about how much I could have used that god damned money. And every time I read every “just give to charity!” response in this thread I still get that ugly emotion. Consider carefully if you have a niece or nephew in your own family who is struggling and although they won’t fall down at your feet begging you to be nice because at 30 they still eat ramen to save money, they could well use that money and you’re looking straight over them because “well, our family is well-off, right?”
I know I’m gonna get flak for this, but fuck it. I feel invisible to my own family.
Not gonna get flak from me; there is a common tendency on this board to conflate ‘adult’ with ‘at least moderately well off’. I’m in my 30s, my parents still generally give me money, Christmas and birthdays. In fact, my Grandpa gave my Mum (and her sisters) money as a present every year until he died, even after they were all pretty financially stable.
I’m doing OK at the moment (hopefully in a situation that will lead to better), but for a couple of years, that Christmas money was what kept the car on the road and the rent paid, rather than having to pick either or. I was certainly not alone among friends my age in being in that situation either.
My family still does the gift exchange as well, even between adults. We’vedialled it back in recent years, but everyone at least gets something little; a book, a dvd, consumables or something handmade, and no-one gets offended if it winds up in a charity shop later. Bonus smug points if you get someone into a new series, author or foodstuff.
Looking over the posts, it seems the obligation to reciprocate with a gift of the same or greater value is primarily a Japanese or possibly Hawaii Japanese thing. I don’t think this is carried out by the younger generation, at least in Hawaii, but as mentioned above, receiving a gift of greater value than that given was a real issue for my parents. Sometimes things got of hand, with everyone trying to out give each other.
Another oddity is that if someone gives you something in a container that’s expected to be returned, say a casserole or Tupperware, you can’t return an empty container, you have put something in it. Specifically in it, not separately as that would constitute a gift and the cycle continues.
There’s also omiyage (local souvenirs, usually something edible) you have to bring back for relatives/close friends when you travel, even if it’s just to another city/county. This is definitely still carried out in Japan. I know friends and relatives who keep their trips secret because it can get costly to bring back something for everyone. While it’s expected, the recipient must always say, “You shouldn’t have!” and the giver must always insist and say (no matter how expensive it may be), “It’s nothing” or “It’s just a little something”.
I have a habit that even my parents never understood how I learned it, but they and the Japanese hosts would always say, “You’re so Japanese”. The habit is when visiting someone, I always politely refuse the the first offer of any food or drink, no matter how hungry or thirsty I am. If the host mentions they’ll get/make me something, I’ll always say, “Please don’t go through the trouble, I’m fine”. The “You’re so Japanese” statement was usually prompted by my parents explaining I have to offered something twice before I’ll accept it.
Also with omiyage, the gifts must usually be equal in value for everyone equal in status (i.e. immediate family, relatives, friends) and it doesn’t have to be per individual if it’s food. If you do get an extra something for someone, it must be given in secret and not disclosed by the recipient to the others. This sometimes makes for an awkward situation if the omiyage is displayed and a relative/friend asks where you got it. Ummm… :eek:
Yes, I remember when I worked at a theme park, Japanese tourists would come in and buy a whole rack’s worth of keychains, pens, or some other trifle, and I was told this was why. It was for everyone in their family, or at their job. Didn’t know about the equal-in-value aspect though; I thought they were just making it easy for themselves.
No flak here, either. To be honest, I’ve always thought the gift of a “charitable donation in your name” was stupid. If you want to donate to charity, just do it. And if I want to, I’ll do it in my own name thank you very much.
Regarding gifts to charity. Here’s the other side of the coin. What if the recipient is well off and you know any gift you could afford wouldn’t meet their standards? Or when kids buy their parents things that they like, but don’t understand their parent’s may not have a use or taste for it (if it’s food). Wouldn’t a gift to a charity or other organization be more appropriate and appreciated?
Not charity, but a co-worker whom I was good friends with bought me a big box of candies for Christmas one year. I immediately opened it in the office to share with everyone. My friend yelled “Hey, I bought that for you!” and was genuinely hurt. I told him that I truly appreciated it, but there was no way I could eat it all myself (which was true) and I was spreading the love and thoughtfulness of his gift to everyone in the office. Was I wrong?
You’re thinking price. But sometimes effort is more appreciated.
Think about buying a gift for a spouse or SO if you share bank accounts. By definition they can afford it - what makes a good gift is the thought and effort of finding it.
If the people you are buying for have money, they can donate to charity just as well as you can (and get the tax deduction also.) Are you sure the charity is one they like? And do you feel good about the gift, or do they?
I think this is a marketing ploy by the charities. I don’t blame them, but you don’t have to fall for it. We donate a lot to charity now (and throughout the year) but not as gifts.
I’m glad to see that this prediction was incorrect. Some people don’t seem to get that a gift is supposed to make the recipient feel good, not the giver. When one of our kids was tight on money, she got fun things but also some gift cards for things she needed and also some for things that were fun.
I feel your pain. Could you suggest rather then presents you each choose an activity to treat each other and spend time together? For example, someone buys lunch one day, someone treats for a movie one evening? It’s spending time with the people that matter.