Another in my seemingly neverending line of “etiquette” questions. If you have guests over for a dinner party - say 4-8 people total, eating dinner around the table. Is it OK to clear ANY plates before EVERYONE is done eating?
I don’t see it being a problem. My wife says she read somewhere that it is apparently bad form as it causes the people still eating to feel rushed. Hell, if the food is good and I’m still eating, I wouldn’t let it rush ME! 
Why rush? A dinner party is largely a social event, not a gobble-fest. Take your time and enjoy life and each other.
Seems to me if a plate is empty, especially a serving dish, and you need more room for a full plate then removing the empty plates makes a ton of sense.
I suspect this is yet another situation where context is important.
Tsk - you need to instruct the servants to wait patiently until you are all finished.
We tend to let the dishes sit until everyone is done eating, but I don’t know that anyone made an issue of it either way.
How formal a dinner party are you talking about? If you’re talking about 4-8 people sitting around a table eating, then you can serve and remove the dishware as space needs and the flow of the conversation allow.
If you’re talking about a more “formal” dinner, you serve one course, then remove the used plates and serve the next course.
Note that in neither case do you let unused, dirty dishes clutter up the table.
Take the plates of people who have finished eating, while other people are still eating? I agree with your wife, that it puts pressure on people to hurry through their meals.
My grandmother taught me that the hostess should make sure she is the last one to finish, so that no guest has to cause to feel they are holding everyone up. I don’t always bother with that, because some people are going to go back for seconds and even thirds, and it would get ridiculous.
Removing empty serving dishes to make room for more food is fine.
I move empty serving dishes to the sideboard, but that’s about it. Efficiency be damned when guests are being entertained.
In general, this. And we start by removing serving dishes.
For the passover seder, when we have a lot of courses, and a lot of people who don’t eat all the courses (only a handful eat the gefilte fish, and only about half eat the hard boiled egg) we only SERVE the less-liked courses to the people who want them. And we do start serving the next course before those people are all done. But we don’t bring out the main course until everyone who is eating the warm-up courses is done.
I could understand doing this if you wanted to clear the table as soon as possible so you could get it prepared for another activity (a board game, for instance). Or if you’ve got someone in the kitchen itching to get a start on the dishes.
But otherwise, I think it’s bad form for an informal dinner party.
I just spent my vacation at a place with a butler. The butler was great, but during each meal, she’d swoop down and take your plate away the moment you put your fork down. Now, I get it. She was being paid to do a job and she was eager to do it. Plus, there were servants in the kitchen who were waiting to clean the dishes. But a clean plate doesn’t always equate to being done. Like, maybe a person wants to take a little breather before going back for seconds or thirds. And sometimes that person isn’t eager to announce that out loud.
Was there still food on your plate?
I was never brought up in any household but I was taught that in order to signal that I was done eating and would not be requiring that plate in front of me I would lay my knife and fork together across the plate.
This seems to holdup in the not fancy restaurants I tend to eat at and the wait staff knows to come in and take the plate. Usually they do ask though.
Sometimes, yes.
I was taught this too. However, the butler did not wait for this “signal”, so I’m not sure it is universal (I was not vacationing in the States).
I’ve had pretty reliable results with the same signal. I’m surprised the butler didn’t respect it.
To set the stage, in our home we took down the wall between the dining room and kitchen, so the rooms are now divided by a peninsula. I generally sit at the end of the table closest to the opening between the rooms. My wife sits at the other end. As host - and since I am closest, I generally try to make sure everyone has what they want to eat and drink. And I may do what is necessary to prepare dessert or make coffee.
Yesterday we had 2 couples over for dinner, so I didn’t clear a plate (serving or dining), but when 4 of the 6 had finished, I posed this question. I was impressed at the vehemence with which the slowest eater right next to me said how offensive she would consider it to be. I didn’t “poll” the entire table - I suspect at least 1, maybe 2 of the others didn’t see it as a problem. But her response was strong enough that - even tho I don’t really understand it, I don’t want to risk bothering guests to my home.
I honestly had no thought or intention of rushing anyone. Hell, last night we probably sat around the table for at least an hour after the last food was finished. I guess I did think I was being efficient - something I generally strive for in most aspects of my life. For example, if I am removing an empty serving plate, or starting coffee or getting ice, why not also remove my empty dining plate? And, as I sat there last night waiting for her to finish, I didn’t feel like my dining experience was exactly enhanced by having a dirty plate on the table in front of me.
Another weird bit of my mindset was from my golfing experience. A 4-some can move no faster than the slowest member. I’ve long ceased to try to speed up a slow golfer - or to speed up myself enough to make up for his pace. But I guess a part of me thinks in most situations that the slowest person ought not necessarily dictate things overmuch. I’m not stating this well, nor do I resent someone for eating slowly. I admit I tend to eat too quickly myself.
Lesson learned.
I think taking plates an hour after 90% of the guests are obviously finished is totally acceptable. The way your OP was written, I thought the plate-clearing was happening way before that point.
I mean, I can get how a slow-eater might feel awkward if everyone except them is sitting at the table without any place settings. But then again, I can imagine how it could be awkward for everyone else to have to stare at dirty dinner plates while Slow-Eater nibbles on the molecules left on their plate.
When I waited tables, management always drilled it into us that we needed to clear plates as soon as possible as each person at the table finished. They presented it as what the customers wanted, and therefore a way to increase our tips, though I always suspected it had more to do with speeding up turnover. Some people did seem to appreciate it; some seemed not to notice, some appeared bothered, and some lectured us severely about the rudeness of what we were doing. Everyone under 30 and most folks under 40 fell in one of the first two camps; everyone in the last camp was a senior citizen. I suspect there’s a significant generational element at play.
If you’re eating at my house, there’s probably kids around and that means people eating at different speeds. Even if there is soup, there will also be platters of salad and other cold items for people to have or not as they like, before the main course(s). Nothing wrong with removing the soup plates so people can move on to the cold items, or those platters which are already empty to simply make room. Eventually there will be people who have dessert, and people who do not, and people who jump directly over dessert to coffee and people who wouldn’t drink coffee unless it was the only drink left on Earth. We don’t even distribute the dessert bowls/plates/cups and those for coffee or infusions, as well as the accompanying spoons, except to people who actually will use them.
Anybody who’s bothered by that is welcome to not eat with my relatives.
ETA: the slowest eater is often The Niece; when she’s gone to bed late after a party she can be slowest by more than one hour. If anybody expects the rest of us to wait between dishes until Her Ladyship is done, first we’d have enough time for digestion and second we’d have several people intent on murder.
Regarding the crossed cutlery: in Spain we eat several dishes and the assumption is that cutlery is kept if it’s of the same type as what will be used for the next dish. You signal that you’re done with a plate by pushing it a bit away from you and placing any reusable cutlery outside of it; let’s say I’m having soup as my first and steak as my second, the spoon stays in the plate; if it’s salad and a steak, the fork gets off the plate and is placed with its tines on the knife so it doesn’t touch the cloth. If the person taking the plates knows there will be new cutlery, they ask for the used pieces.
At the best restraint I’ve patronized, all dishes were collected at the end of each course, then the next course set out. But that was choreographed like a ballet or a Hollywood fight scene: having the dishes removed all at once took no time and passed by without leaving a ripple on the water.
Historically, the caricature American tourist in Europe ate with one hand holding onto his plate, to prevent the waiter from removing it. If your guests are doing that, you’re being to eager.
Sorry if I was unclear, tho not really sure how to be clearer. I’d imagine the main eating period, not counting dessert, never lasts more than 30 or so minutes. I probably finish in less than 15-20 minutes. (I’ve often thought about the difference between how long it can take to prepare a nice meal, compared to how quickly it is eaten.)
After I’ve finished, I find myself looking ahead to presenting dessert, maybe clearing the serving plates, refilling drinks, etc. As I’m doing that, I may take the plates of anyone who is finished. The way I figure it, if 5 people are at the table eating and enjoying conversation, it enhances the overall experience to have one person cleaning up and preparing the next course.
After we have eaten dinner and dessert, we will often remain around the table for some time, to play a game, or just to talk.
The other day went pretty much as I described. 4 of us finished in 15 or so minutes, 1 guy was almost done, and 1 woman was eating incredibly slowly w/ probably half her food still on her plate. I fought my intention to start clearing, and instead sat there for 5-10 minutes, before asking what everyone else thought. The woman who was still eating had by far the strongest opinion.
Like I said, I don’t want to make any of my guests uncomfortable. But, on the other hand, it didn’t seem optimal to have 4 of us sitting with dirty plates in front of us.
Sorry if this is still unclear, but I don’t know how to be clearer (and it doesn’t seem too many folk are interested.)