Dorothy: He said “Oil can.”
Scarecrow: Oil can what?
‘‘Ah caught mah wife in bed with another man’’.
‘‘You bitter?’’
‘‘Yep! Bit him too!’’
:smack:
Let the light from the bridges I burn light my way.
A couple from Woody Allen:
“My brain? That’s my second-favorite organ!”
“I need a Valium the size of a hockey puck.”
mmm
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.”
From Wikipedia (Randolph Churchill - Wikipedia):
Randolph [Churchill, son of Winston] was often portrayed as the black sheep of the Churchill family—irascible, spoiled by his father, and with a serious drinking problem. Evelyn Waugh, who was a friend, captured the mood of many after Churchill had had a growth removed by surgery. On hearing that the growth was not malignant, Waugh said “It was a typical triumph of modern science to find the one part of Randolph which was not malignant and to remove it.”
God, I love that line. I keep waiting for the chance to use it.
Another from Pushing Daisies:
“The truth ain’t like a bunch puppies running around and you pick your favorite - there’s only ONE truth, and it has come a-knockin’.” Emerson Cod
Missed the edit window, still PD
“Wouldn’t it be great if liking someone meant they had to like you back? Of course, that’d be a different universe, and something else would probably suck.” Olive Snook
“I can be a great resource for information on Ned - if you don’t mind me clawing your eyes out while we talk.” OS
From the sadly underrated and long-gone sitcom Better Off Ted:
“Those are just facts, and facts are just opinions, and opinions can be wrong.”
Sums up the thinking of far too much of the world these days.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” - Groucho Marx
“The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” - Mark Twain
From “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”:
“I want you to know that I respect you. Just not very much.”
An original exclamation from a very good friend of mine:
“Jesus H. Christ on a tricycle from Wal-Mart!”
Another from the same friend that is a good, general insult:
“He’s a 24 carat, gold-plated, wall-mounted, self-actuating, pull-start dickhead!”
Homer Simpson describing the French:
“Cheese eating surrender monkeys”
Hitch Hikers Guide:
Slartibartfast to Arthur Dent - “Hurry up or you’ll be late”
“Late for what?”
“Late as in the late Arthur Dent.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.* I* don’t like you.”
Aeryn Sun, Farscape.
“So, she kissed me.”
“And you kissed her back?”
“No, I kissed her mouth.”
– The Doctor and Rory Williams
Just remember – it’s not a lie if you believe it.
-George Costanza
From Modern family. The husband is defending his old friend, whom his wife has just called a nerd.
“Ling is not a nerd. He built his own helicopter, and if he was alive today …”
I love the way he defends and then immediately undercuts his friend. Gold.
Peter Cook:
“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.”
“As I looked out into the night sky, across all those infinite stars, it made me realize how insignificant they are.”
“I’ve always been after the trappings of great luxury. But all I’ve got hold of are the trappings of great poverty. I’ve got hold of the wrong load of trappings, and a rotten load they are too, ones I could have very well done without.”
From an email this morning:
He carried her to the bed. It was like two tornados competing for the same trailer park."–T. Jefferson Parker, from L.A. Outlaws
“The House of Savoy never finished a war on the same side as it started, unless the war lasted long enough for it to change sides twice.”–A French newspaper reporting on Italy breaking with the Axis pact and joining the Allies
“Advertising is the rattling of a stick in the swill bucket.”–George Orwell
“Rome reminds me of a man who lives by exhibiting to travelers his mother’s corpse.”–James Joyce
“The right gentleman’s smile is like the silver fittings of a coffin.”–Benjamin Disraeli about Robert Peel
“I am sitting in the smallest room in my house. I have your review befiore me. Soon it will be behind me.”–Composer Ernest Reger, to a music reviewer
From Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy:
“It’s unpleasantly like being drunk” [speaking about some form of space travel]
“What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?”
“Just ask a glass of water.”
HHG is full of these clever turns of phrase.