First day as a brand new teacher. I’m all stoked and ready for anything. I’m going to empower the hell out of those students!
I gave them the whole spiel and emphasized that they were welcome to ask questions at any time. One of the girls held her hand up.
“Yes?”
“Ms. Phouka, what’s an orgasm?”
Oh, did the other teachers laugh at me in the break room.
Old relationship. Years ago. We were visiting, and he had to fly back home. I said my goodbyes, then walked away. . .and then, a few seconds later, went back to the security line for one last, deep, wordless kiss. And then I walked away. The way circumstances went, that was the last time I saw him.
Years ago (circa 1974) my long hair and VW bug drive through Georgia.
And the big, fat, dumb deputy pulls me over on some pretext and starts searching the car “what are these pill?!” (the label had come off the Stay-Awake pills. (I had another bottle with the label). After a few minutes of low-level keystone cops, the guy asks "do you have any drugs in this car, son? (yes, really, “son”) I said, “no sir - I don’t use tem, I don’t sell them, and I sure as hell don’t carry them through Georgia”.
Just as they got back to their car , another VW comes by - a bus, with a 2x6 for a front bumper, Peace symbol and other “Hippie” stickers all over it. And paisley curtains.
Straight out of “Dukes of Hazard” - that cop car floored it, and actually fish-tailed onto the divider.
And for snot-nosed executive:
In 1979 , the west coast was 10 years behind the rest of the country in many aspects if technology.
ATM’s were just then being adopted - only a couple of banks had more than a handful.
I had an interview (programming - you know, the people who engineer the software for them) with a manager at Bank of America (which, at the time, was the largest bank in the world (yes, kids, hard to believe, but true),
Cut to chase:
Me"What are your plans for ATM’s?" (BofA actually had zero or real close)
She “When you’re the largest bank in the world, you don’t need to innovate”
Do we have a jaw-drop smiley?
I’ve stepped on a rake and had it come up and smack me in the forehead.
I’ve been in bar fights and both hit and been hit with pool cues and beer bottles.
One time, I woke up at midnight and there were a bunch of zombies trying to eat my brains.
Actually, one night in college I met a girl waiting in line to get into a bar to see a band. She was by herself, we hit it off, my friends split, so we went in together. We danced and drank. She was a professor at the university and ten years older than me. We started making out. She whispered to me that she wasn’t wearing any underwear under her sundress. We got out of there and started walking down the street. She tossed me the keys to her car, a convertible. While I drove she directed me to her apartment while putting the top down. When we got there, we went inside and started making out. She stopped to ask if I wanted to go skinny-dipping. We ran to the community pool in the townhouse complex, hopped over the fence, she pulled her sundress over her head and dove in. I stumbled around comically trying to quickly and quietly undress- belt, pants, shirt, shoes, socks. Dove in.
We met in the middle of the pool, made out, groped a bit, and a light came on. We hopped out, grabbed our clothes, and ran naked back to her door. Inside she rocked my world.
In the morning, she woke me up with a BJ, then told me I could take a shower while she made me breakfast. It was delicious. Then we had another quickie before she drove me back to my apartment.
I walked in the door and my friends and roommates asked what the hell happened to me the night before- I related the whole story and I was suddenly the Alpha Male.
It was an incredible night that would be totally implausible in a movie.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all turn Double Foolscap down for a date…
I’ve also walked into lamp posts at least twice in my life.
I too had a best friend “steal” my boyfriend in high school.
More fun though: I was the nerdy plain girl who morphed into a much more attractive co-ed. When I moved into my first apartment, by sheer chance, my next door neighbor was a grad student from my hometown, 200 miles away. I didn’t really know David, but we had some mutual acquaintances. Anyway, before the first football game of the season, David had some friends over - they were planning to carpool to the stadium. David knocked on my door and asked whether I’d like to stop over for a drink and/or share the carpool. I didn’t have a ticket, but accepted the invite for a drink…
A couple of the other guests were high school acquaintances (and by that, I mean that I knew exactly who they were: star athletes, alpha dudes in our hometown, I graduated with both of their younger brothers. Neither of them had more than the vaguest recollection of me - star mathlete, marching band dork, all-around plain, shy nerd.) Somehow, though, over the summer, I had kind of come into my own. I gained a level of confidence and self-acceptance that apparently looked good on me, and both Mike and Bryan were stumbling over themselves to offer me drinks, food, extra game tickets, etc. It was a heady feeling!
(And it wasn’t my imagination: the next day, I ran into David, who was very amused at his friends’ reactions. He was apparently the object of envy, what with the hot redhead living right next door!)
My wife once slipped on the stairs and bounced down hitting each one with her butt. I at least appreciated the physical comedy; her, not so much.
I once had a mini-relationship on a 17 hour grayhound bus ride. It was pretty unforgettable, and encompassed all of the best parts of a relationship in toto…
This was in early 2000, and my Hotmail account crashed and died soon after. I often wonder about her…
In a movie??? It’s pretty damn implausible in Penthouse Forum.
I was waiting for the line, “And then I woke up. Damn.”
I was once at a college party (even at 21, not my natural habitat) when a plump-but-not-unattractive, rather drunk freshman sat down on the couch next to me. She may have even sat in my lap; that point is a little foggy. She turned to me and said, “I just found out my boyfriend back home cheated on me last night. I really want to get back at him.” To this day, I’m still amazed that I did the “right thing” and kept an eye on her the rest of the night.
I was dumped by my long-term girlfriend while on a study abroad trip to Dublin. I wanted to clear my head and spent an afternoon walking along the boardwalk of a seaside town north of the city. There was a light rain and patchy fog. Gulls and crashing waves made up the entire background noise. I remember laughing when I realized how perfect it would have been as a movie scene to convey heartbreak.
Just to break up the romance / sex tales…
I saw red once. When I was young, I took martial arts classes, and, as some weird semi-punishment, I was set up to spar against a student who was -much- better than I. He kicked me hard in the chest, I staggered back, looked down (not sure what I was expecting to see. Maybe a protruding rib?), then let out a yell I’ve not been able to duplicate my entire life… And then everything went red.
A moment or three later, I ‘came to’ with the sensei pulling me off the poor guy, who was looking up at me, terrified, with a bloody lip and what would later become a really dark shiner.
The event disturbed me so much that I started ditching the class, and eventually dropped it all together.
I have fallen down a set of stairs, rolled into a cartoonish, somersaulting ball, bounced off the wall at the bottom and been miraculously unhurt. Just the once, but it was very surprising.
In college, I lived in a single very large old Victorian house with 7 roommates/classmates. I used to tell people that Friends wasn’t all that funny to me, because it was just like my house.
I stood up in my ex-boyfriend’s wedding to the girl we broke up over. How’s that for rom-dramedy movie plot bait?
Camping with friends, I got up in the middle of the night to pee and the entire field where our tents were located was blanketed in thick white mist. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked twice, then a loon screamed. I went RIGHT back in the tent to hide from the inevitable monster that was surely out there.
When I was a kid I was standing on a bedin the dark, and fell over and hit my head.
Don’t ask why, Iwas a kid.
I actually saw stars, and yes they were five pointed, in primary colours and rotated before my eyes.
I had never seen this before or since.
I have a couple.
My freshman year in high school and I was the plain girl, the nerdy one that everyone made fun of. I was the bottom or the pecking order. We had a Christmas dance called the Santa Switch, where the girl asked the guy.
I had a good friend (male), 2 years older, who went to a different high school. We had grown up together. He was drop dead gorgeous. I asked him to the dance, and he accepted. When we walked into the dance, people literally stopped talking. The room went quiet, everyone staring at us. When I went tothe bathroom later, I found myself surrounded my the ‘popular girls’ all wanting to know who he was and where I had met him.
The sweetest night of my life.
The second:
I had just given my horse a bath and was letting him graze on a lead rope while he dried off. I got up on him bareback and laid back with my head on his rump. There were a couple strangers there looking at the boarding stable, talking to the owners a short distance away.
I got relaxed, laying there. Too relaxed. Star cocked a hind leg the way horses will to rest, and I was thrown off balance, slid sideways/backwards and did a perfect sommersault off his butt, landing on my feet. Star raised his head to turn and stare at me in disbelief, and the people nearby all went silent, staring open mouthed at the circus act they had just witnessed.
I picked up the lead rope and led him into the barn without a word.
Yeah… I meant to do that.
Mine is more of an anti-cliche. When I was in the Navy, I was dating another sailor. This was in 1975-ish before women were stationed on ships. Anyway, my boyfriend went to sea, and I dutifully wrote to him… till the day I got a letter from HIM dumping ME! Would that be called a *Dear Jane *letter?
Once, when I was a kid, I was climbing a tree and fell out… Except that I didn’t hit the ground. I caught the next branch , about ten feet down, completely unhurt. I still don’t know how I managed that one.
I like to dress comfy when I don’t need to be dressed up, back when I was young, built and working in a machine shop hauling around huge amounts of weight. I had a BF that was a greek at Wittenburg in Ohio, and they had a formal dance in early spring, where they all rented rooms in a fancy hotel, the usual. Normally they saw me in jeans and flanel shirts, or large tshirts … I showed up to the formal in a black satin off one shoulder sheath dress, pretty much every other female was wearing pouffy ruffly pastels [blech] and 4 inch spike heels. I had my 1 inch long hair spiked up, and the bottom half was natural brown, the ends were bleached out and dyed screaming red and instead of my normal glasses I was wearing my contacts. All the other females were pissed because all the guys were following me around 
Never assume a frump won’t clean up nice and hot I just prefer to dress for comfort, not style, always have been like that, but I do know how to dress when I have the money and the inclination.
Well, if you mean moments out of some sort of comedy routine, I have a few.
There was the time I was getting dressed, and decided for some reason to jump into my jeans. However, I was standing in a bathroom that had a very low ceiling. (I was renting a basement apartment, and the bathroom door was precisely as high as I was tall–my hair brushed the jamb as I walked in barefoot, and with shoes on there was contact. The actual bathroom ceiling was a few centimetres higher.)
Anyways, I picked up my jeans and jumped. There was a strong pressure on the top of my head and I landed unexpectedly soon. What had happened? I put the jeans on and looked around. Above me was a perfect oval opening in the drywall. I had just put my head through the ceiling. Luckily I had missed the joists on either side…
Another moment that might have ended up in a college comedy, if it had gone anywhere:
Electronics school, third year. My friend had a reasonably-cool apartment fairly close to campus, and I was rooming across town. I ended up spending many study nights at his apartment, talking electronics and music and doing homework and cramming for tests. Just across the road was a plaza that included a Burger King, and at the Burger King worked three beautiful women: one redhead, one black, and one Asian.
We would often go there for breaks, and I think they started to recognize us. I never made a move, though, because I never thought I had a chance.