Closeted gays in straight relationships - Or, Is my boyfriend gay?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I was reading the current thread in which LGBT Dopers shared their personal experiences of coming out of the closet with some interest. I think I have a friend who is in the closet. He is my boyfriend actually. The relationship is all but over, and since the end came into sight, my denial has lifted and I think it’s very likely that he is gay and in deep denial. I’ve suspected this for some time but have always pushed it out of my mind. For one thing, I couldn’t imagine that he would not be out by now, since it’s very acceptable in his social circle to be gay. But reading that thread made me realize I don’t understand how hard it is to come out, and I’m taking for granted the liberal environment in which I was raised.

He definitely has some sexual issues, and there may be a number of reasons, but applying Occam’s Razor, I tend to conclude that he is gay. He has a lack of interest in sex with me, which he has always made excuses for (too tired, etc.), but the excuses don’t hold water. When we do attempt to have sex, he’s rarely able to perform. There’s no sign he’s sexually attracted to me - for example, he’s never checked me out when I am naked. (Please pardon my immodesty, but I’m generally considered to be pretty sexy.) I have tried to work with him on his sexual issues, but he won’t talk about it at all and isn’t interested in trying any of my suggestions for improving our sex life. He has always been very affectionate with me, but the relationship has lacked the sexual charge. In addition to the lack of physical intimacy there has been a lack of emotional intimacy, which is the primary reason we are breaking up, and I don’t know if his inability to connect with me emotionally could also be due to being gay.

If there is a simple explanation for most of our problems, it would relieve some of the bitterness I feel about the way things have turned out. If he is gay, I think he is in deep denial about it, and I don’t think he’s ever had any sexual experiences with men. I feel like I need to bring this up with him, but I’m afraid it would sound accusatory. (I did ask him point blank once if he was gay, but I think it came out sounding accusatory, and he was very defensive in answering no.) I really would like to be supportive because being in the closet is no way to live, but I don’t know if you can really push someone out of the closet. And I could be entirely off base here.

I’m hoping some gay Dopers would share their experiences of being in straight relationships before they came out. Of course, I would also like to hear from any women (or men) who have been in relationships with gay men (or lesbians). Your thoughts are very appreciated.

2

I’m just making a guess here, but it could be possible that he isn’t gay at all, but suffers from some kind of sexual dysfunction. Maybe he has problems becoming aroused in general.

On the other hand, it’s possible that he is gay. My cousin was seeing a woman back in the late 1980s/early 1990s. He loved her, lived with her and planned to marry her. Weeks before their wedding, he suddenly broke off the whole thing. He gave her vague reasons for his decision, and moved out of town so he’d never have to see her again. Once she was far enough away to be protected from the truth, he came out of the closet. He confided in me that he’d loved her deeply, but couldn’t marry her for obvious reasons. He kept it from her because he didn’t know if she’d be able to deal with the truth. He also didn’t want her to think there was something wrong with her, or that she’d “turned” him gay.

My advice to you is to bring your suspicions and fears up to your boyfriend, and ask him to be honest with you. If he tries to change the subject, tell him it’s very important that he be honest and upfront with you. He owes you that much.

3

Best thing to do, in my opinion (take it with a grain of salt), is to confront him with the problems of the relationship. If he tries to avoid talking, don’t necessarily let him wriggle out. If he just sits there, start tossing out possibilities in a fairly non-accusational way. The key is trying to make him feel as comfortable and non-defensive as he can be in such a conversation. If his walls go up then you’re not going to get any sort of resolution out of it. Bring up things as tentative possibilities, questions if possible. Make it clear you’re not trying to point fingers, merely understand and maybe come to a solution that works for both of you.

“Have you been under a lot of stress lately?”
“Is it that you just don’t find me as attractive right now? I won’t be offended if that’s the reason.”
“Are you gay? I’m not going to flip out at you if you are. I’ll understand completely.”
“I love you and I just want to help you out.”

Ultimately, though, you can’t drag the reasons out of him. All you can do is make it clear that, whatever the answer is, you just want to be there for him and work to sort things out. If he continues to deny any problem after you toss up possibilities, it might be best to simply let it go at that. There’s no use fighting because most people just close up at that point.

4

The issue may not be his sexual orientation, but an introversion that keeps him from expressing his feelings in any meaningful way, including getting intimate emotionally or sexually, perhaps coupled with a sense of guilt about his sexuality.

Both my wife and I were brought up in stoic households where expression of feelings was deplored, and conditioned to think that our emotions should be kept bottled inside. Both of us have significant psychological issues from this, which we’re only slowly overcoming. My healing started with an intervention by our ward, who had his own set of problems but recognized this from his own upbringing; having made my way partly out of the walls I’d built for myself, I was able to be of some help to her – but we both do still tend to bottle it in if we don’t draw each other out, by force of habit.

The same ward, now 30, and I are exploring how to help his 11-year-old nephew by marriage, who is headed down the same road. Of myself and the eight people closest to me (total nine people), that’s four who experienced that repression of feelings – nearly half. And one of my other “sons” would have been there as well, but for emotional counseling his parents went through, that enabled them to recognize that the inculcation of stoicism in their kids was harming them psychologically.

It may very well be that he just plain doesn’t know how to open up and make himself vulnerable to you, and fears doing it, because he has by doing so handed you a license to hurt him. Even if he knows intellectually that you wouldn’t, feeling that as an emotional certaintly is a completely different ball of wax.

It is, of course, possible that he is gay and in denial – but it’s also possible that he’s just plain emotionally barricaded to the point that he’s unable to open up and have an intimate relationship with anyone, opposite sex, same sex, or a toaster.

I don’t have any advice on how to break that – when he sees, hears, or feels something that “snaps” him, he’ll be ready to change, and nothing will help until then.

5

chula: I mean no offense, but perhaps you are barking up the wrong tree? Occam’s Razor wouldn’t state that he’s gay, but that he’s no longer attracted to you. You may be a very attractive woman, but maybe the ‘spark’ has gone out of it for him?

This happens a lot of times in relationships, the spark goes out. Hell, married couples where neither partner is gay sometimes have a distinct lull in sexual contact.

And, as others have suggested, maybe his real issue is an inability to be emotionally intimate/vulnerable, and not wanting men sexually?

6

How long have you been going out with this guy?

Also, check his computer for porn. That’s where you’ll find the smoking gun.

7

It’s not your business to try to force him out of the closet. If he is gay, that’s for him to decide. If you want to work on the relationship, then I agree with addressing the specific issues within the relationship. If the relationship is truly over, then the best thing you can do is to let him know that you still care for him and that you will be there for him in the future for emotional support, whatever his orientation or problems.

8

In college, I broke up with my long-term (and long-distance) boyfriend due to his increasing emotional distance and lack of contact. We hadn’t done much physically outside lots of necking, barring getting into bed together once not too long before the breakup.

A few years later, I finally forgave him for his behavior, and wanted to let him know; we’d at least been very good friends and I thought it was a pity to leave it that way. I got hold of his number, and we talked on the phone. He confessed to me that he’d finally realized he was gay, but when I told him that he could have told me - I’d have been hurt but would have understood - he said he didn’t even admit it to himself at the time. It took him quite a while to get past his conservative (small town, Catholic) upbringing to realize that no, it wasn’t just a lack of real attraction to me but to women in general.

The thing is, he might well be gay, he might not. What matters is that you’re having serious relationship issues, and that’s what you need to work on. He might just have intimacy problems, and asking him if he’s gay is unlikely to produce a good result in that case. He might be gay but closeted to himself yet, and again, that won’t really help. What you need to figure out is whether the relationship is worth further effort, and if so, what kind.

9

How old is your boyfriend?

I agree with the “could be good ol’ fashioned sexual dysfunction” comments above. Sometimes two very attractive people with complementary orientations just don’t have the spark and sometimes excess stress really can totally override the libido (as can various medications- do you happen to know if he takes any form of psychotropic medications? Most of them have pretty severe libido killing side effects, especially when you first start taking them- not to give TMI, but I went almost a month without even “enjoying my own company” after I started Paxil [though it eased off]).

It sounds like he’s either psychically or physically preoccupied and I wouldn’t think gay unless there are other indicators. Has he ever expressed sexual interest in another man? Has he had suspicious friendships with other men? Do you know any of his previous sexual partners well enough to ask?

Even if he is gay he doesn’t sound ready to deal with it and will probably deny it if confronted.

10

He might be gay, he might not be gay. That’s hardly a definite from what you’ve told us so far.

And it would be highly inappropriate to try to “out” someone who’s not gay.

I’ll borrow here from a great country song (although I’m not exactly a C&W fan), “It’s hard to kiss the lips that chew your ass all day long.” That hovers near describing what brought on the demise of my last long-term relationship. Yeah, we developed some intimacy problems.

But I’m hardly casting that scenario as what might be your situation. All I’m attempting to add is that there are multiple scenarios where what you’ve provided us as yet is the result.

Look at what’s been posted so far - he may have problems with intimacy, he may be extremely introverted, or, maybe, the fire’s just gone out.

Or maybe he is gay - that’s for him to work out.

Leave him. Be done with it. You don’t have to make the next call on his life.

11

This is a definite possibility. Being “gunshy” due to uncertainty of being able to complete intercourse, will definitely make a guy avoid intimite situations.

12

I’m thinking that any male doper that posted here with the theory that his ex-girlfriend was a lesbian, because she wasn’t sexually attracted to him, would get very short shrift indeed.

So, whose benefit would you be doing this for? :dubious:

Your ex may have issues and might be gay. But the reasons may have nothing to do with either, and you’re not anymore the one to solve them, anyway.

13

I’m not expert, but in my opinion there isn’t much in what you’ve told us that really points to him being gay. It’s a possibility, but only it’s only that.

It may be that he is not attracted to you (even though you are really sexy), or he may have issues that push him away.

If he is gay, he may not realize it and be hiding it from himself. So even though you would be right in thinking him gay he wouldn’t admit it to you because he believes he is straight. If this is the case it might be good for him to realize this and perhaps become less conflicted, but that’s tricky and he might not feel any better any way.

14

…for committment.
I dated a girl in college - we were great firends, and I was tremendously attracted to her (sexually). However, I realized as much fun as we always had together, she was not someone I planned on bing with long-term. Because of that, I could never bring myself to sleep with her (even though at times it was very tempting).

We had a great relationship otherwise. If I had ever felt that she could handle “casual sex”, it would have been a go. However, she attached a certain importance to it that I was not ready to commit to, so even though all the right buttons were being pressed, I was never willing to sleep with her, even though she wanted to.

Could this be happening in your case?

15

Ah, chula, you’re in a situation I’ve been in before.

As I think the previous responders have indicated, there are probably a multitude of reasons for why he’s acting the way he is, one of which is that he is gay. But it certainly isn’t a given based on what we know here.

I have an ex-boyfriend that I wonder about. I will probably never ever know, and he may not be gay, or even if he is, he may never come out. But if I had to pick one person in my life that would end up being gay when we didn’t think he was, this would be the guy. Yeah, sure, we were together for 3 years, and even had sex on occasion. But I still wonder. Of course, the problem could have been any of the other suggestions thrown out above.

It sounds like maybe you’re still closer to the ex than I am with mine - at this point I really don’t have any knowledge of what he’s doing in life, and wouldn’t hunt him down to ask him if he’s gay. If it is indeed a relationship that’s over, I’m not sure it’s worth pursuing. You just know it’s over. You might not be able to get out of him the information you want. Your curiosity might never be sated, but unfortunately that seems to be how it works sometimes.

16

How to find out? Well, rent Blackhawk Down and Brigadoon one day…

17

You really relish the role of purveyor of stereotypes, don’t you?! :wink:

Might it be possible that he is a closeted gay person struck by guilt for being gay, and attempting to “make” a straight romantic relationship under the theory that that’s what he’s “supposed” to want? My impression from reading is that many gay men go through a stage of “trying to be straight” before self-acceptance; is this a possibility? (I’d appreciate responses both from the OP and from gay men, as to whether my impression is correct, as a common generality.)

18

Jeez! chula,

Your heart may be in the right place but you should seriouslyl consider getting over the mentality of “If a guy doesn’t want to “F” me he might (must) be gay.”

I’ve had a few hottie GF’s in my time and I’ve turned them down on more than one occasion. Not becuase I’m a closet gay but because I was unhappy with them(for whatever reasons) which pretty much killed the mood for me.

Anyway, best of luck to ya.

19

Someone has to around here! Regardless, just a bit of harmless fun… :wink:

20

The answer, of course, is that if the guy is gay he will watch Black Hawk Down and not the crappy musical. Have you noticed how hot the all-male cast of BHD is?