I was reading the current thread in which LGBT Dopers shared their personal experiences of coming out of the closet with some interest. I think I have a friend who is in the closet. He is my boyfriend actually. The relationship is all but over, and since the end came into sight, my denial has lifted and I think it’s very likely that he is gay and in deep denial. I’ve suspected this for some time but have always pushed it out of my mind. For one thing, I couldn’t imagine that he would not be out by now, since it’s very acceptable in his social circle to be gay. But reading that thread made me realize I don’t understand how hard it is to come out, and I’m taking for granted the liberal environment in which I was raised.
He definitely has some sexual issues, and there may be a number of reasons, but applying Occam’s Razor, I tend to conclude that he is gay. He has a lack of interest in sex with me, which he has always made excuses for (too tired, etc.), but the excuses don’t hold water. When we do attempt to have sex, he’s rarely able to perform. There’s no sign he’s sexually attracted to me - for example, he’s never checked me out when I am naked. (Please pardon my immodesty, but I’m generally considered to be pretty sexy.) I have tried to work with him on his sexual issues, but he won’t talk about it at all and isn’t interested in trying any of my suggestions for improving our sex life. He has always been very affectionate with me, but the relationship has lacked the sexual charge. In addition to the lack of physical intimacy there has been a lack of emotional intimacy, which is the primary reason we are breaking up, and I don’t know if his inability to connect with me emotionally could also be due to being gay.
If there is a simple explanation for most of our problems, it would relieve some of the bitterness I feel about the way things have turned out. If he is gay, I think he is in deep denial about it, and I don’t think he’s ever had any sexual experiences with men. I feel like I need to bring this up with him, but I’m afraid it would sound accusatory. (I did ask him point blank once if he was gay, but I think it came out sounding accusatory, and he was very defensive in answering no.) I really would like to be supportive because being in the closet is no way to live, but I don’t know if you can really push someone out of the closet. And I could be entirely off base here.
I’m hoping some gay Dopers would share their experiences of being in straight relationships before they came out. Of course, I would also like to hear from any women (or men) who have been in relationships with gay men (or lesbians). Your thoughts are very appreciated.