I had a parent conference last week for a student who had gotten in a fight the week before. Two conferences, actually-- one with each parent, because they hate each other so much that they cannot be in the same room together. Apparently the dad cheated, a fact that is so well-known that other students are aware of it (they were talking about it in study hall when they realized the kid was suspended and therefore not present). The parents are separated now, very bitterly. Their son is not taking it well, and hurt a much smaller kid with very little provocation. He is obviously angry, but not in a way that he expresses much through talking, more by acting out in school. It’s very sad because I like him a lot, he is a bright and usually nice kid, though his demeanor has taken a turn for the nasty recently.
I heard from their son that the mother is planning to move back to her native country. She moved here to be with the boy’s father, and now that things have gone so badly, she wants to go back to where her family is. Essentially, she is opting out of co-parenting with the boy’s father by doing this, because her home country is on the other side of the world. The boy didn’t even seem that upset when he told me, more relieved that he wouldn’t have to deal with being in between both of them.
I honestly don’t know what to think in this situation, and there’s really not alot I can do except be supportive of the kid. My question is more philosophical in nature. Is there any situation where it’s acceptable to opt out of your role as parent in such a major way? One of my co-workers suggested that it’s even somewhat noble of her to walk away and let her husband parent the boy when their hatred is so hot that they cannot deal with each other at all. Also, I cannot blame her for wanting to be with her support system after this; unfortunately, it’s quite far away. Which is worse for the kid, constantly having to be between two parents who hate each other, or having his mom move far away? Would your answer be different if the child were 2 years old and not 12? What about if he were 7? 16?
I wish people could insulate their kids from their relationship crises, but having never been in a situation like this, I can’t imagine how you’d deal with someone who you despise so completely, on such an intimate a level as co-parenting. I have exes I loathe but don’t have kids with them; the prospect of being in a situation like that is horrendous. Any Doper thoughts on the subject?
I’ve never been through a bitter divorce, but I could never see walking away from my children. The boy will grow up knowing his mother abandoned him.
Both parents are acting immature and selfishly and are hurting their boy. They need to set aside whatever difference they may have. While I believe the mother is completely justified in her feelings toward her ex, they have jack-all to do with her son, and she needs to suck it up when dealing with him.
So I would offer a third alternative beyond 1)Mom leaving or 2)Parents loathe each other. 3)Be adults, grow up, and be parents to the son.
Not that that’s going to happen. This is a bad situation, the boy is an innocent victim, and I think this is just the first in a long line of problems you’re going to have with him.
Having witnessed how people can use custody to vent all their bitterness over the break-up, I can support the mother’s decision.
I don’t think that her sticking around in a foreign land, with only her child for emotional support, would be in the best interest of the child.
[Aside]
The native parent may have threatened the immigrant parent in some way. Even an improbable threat can intimidate someone who has no one to support, protect, or, in the worst case, seek vengence for them. I’ve seen that, too.
You mention study hall, so I’m assuming we’re talking junior high or high school here? Since he sounds relieved, I think she’s making the best decision she can. Obviously, “suck it up and learn to parent together” is the preferred approach, but if they won’t do that, she’s got to choose the next best thing. Tearing this kid in two is not the next best thing, as his recent behavior shows.
I think he’s old enough to understand that it’s not about abandoning him, but about doing what she can to make his life *and *her life better. And in this day and age, I’d hope that she’d use technology like email, video phones, MySpace and YouTube to keep in touch with him on a regular basis. No, it’s not the same as getting a hug from Mom when you’re sad, but it sounds like the best way for her to be his mother is to give he and his father some room.
Maybe you could suggest she set up a MySpace or buy a webcam to keep in touch? I’m not sure where your professional boundaries lie here.
I separated from my first wife in '67, we had two boys, 3 and 5, at the time. She moved back to her N.J. hometown and I went to Ca, where I deployed to VN three times in the next 4 years. She was very vindictive and her family was well known and prominent in their community. Even if I had wanted to visit under those circumstances it would have been financially very difficult, most of my income went to child support and I could only have visited for a few weeks once a year, at best. She sold a house we owned in N.H. w/o my knowledge. Having family lawyers can circumvent the legal niceties. We wrote occasionally for a year or so, mostly due to financial necessity. I sent gifts to the boys for a few years, but eventually communication ceased. She had a large, close knit family, so I knew the boys would not lack male role models. I just didn’t fit in the picture anywhere. I finally concluded that it would be best if I just stayed away totally, which I have done for forty years. I know a little about them today and they seem to have done well. I’m sure many will disagree, but it was my decision to make and given the circumstances at the time, I felt it the only viable option. I might add that there was no attempt by her, or her family, to encourage my interaction w/ the boys. I suspect they were glad of my decision to stay away, it likely fit their plans as well.
I may be in this situation in the near future as my ex is pregnant and I am convinced it was intentional in an attempt to entrap me even though she knew almost literally from day one that I was not interested in a long-term relationship or, more importantly, kids. I was stupid and trusting and didn’t do everything I could to protect myself and she found out she was pregnant only a couple weeks after she dumped me for my best friend and has tried to make overtures towards me since but I am still pretty angry and hurt, which I’ve been pretty open about, and I’m guessing it’s only a matter of time before she starts to reciprocate some of my antipathy.
I have no idea what I’m going to do about the child if she does come to term.
Missed the edit window. I meant to add that I refuse to just pay child support and not be a part of the kid’s life but I can’t look at her without my lip curling in disgust and have no idea how I will be civil or not broadcast my disgust, anger, and resentment to my child.
I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but if the wife is Japanese, for example, she may not be culturally prepared for joint custody when parents split. Here it is perfectly normal for one parent to disappear COMPLETELY out of the childrens’ lives when a divorce happens. (Former Prime Minister Koizumi has a son who he has never met as his wife was pregnant when they split - he got one or two of the other kids and she has never seen them again.)
I was telling my (Japanese) husband about my brother’s impending divorce. He was horrified and upset, and asked “But what about the kids?? Who will get them?” (There are two kids.) I said that there would be 50-50 custody, and my husband asked in anguish, “But how will they decide who gets which kid?” He had no idea that 50-50 would mean a split of time, not actual children.
I think that the joint custody thing is maybe less prevalent than Americans/Brits think, and it might not have occurred to this mother that she could stay a joint parent. She may also have visa issues…
On the other hand, the question “Could you leave your kid completely in the care of your former spouse?” For me the answer is a resounding “NO.”
But then, being the foreigner in an international marriage, actually being allowed to keep or have access to my children would not be supported by the authorities here, so it might be that I lost my kids without any choice on my part. The whole thing is too frightening to think about, so my husband and I must simply NOT let things ever get to that postition. Luckily we have a strong friendship and a good marriage, but I know a lot of international relationships with kids involved end in heartbreak for all concerned…
These are such sad stories. I’m sorry for the position you are in, A.R. Cane and Aesiron. A.R., I have a friend whose situation is paralleling yours. It sucks, but he says everyone is happier if he and his ex do not speak, even if that means not being a father to his son in any way but financially. I don’t think anyone should judge you. I’m sure it was very hard for you to let go.
My student’s mother is Asian but not Japanese. I did hear that when she found out her husband was cheating (with his secretary, if you can believe it), she went to his office and made a scene, and the police had to come. That’s how bad the hostility is there. It bothers me to think that her husband, who seems like an asshole, is going to have a total victory here-- custody of the kid, his new GF, the wife out of the picture and the country. What message will the boy take from this? Nothing good.
I hope the boy is going to be OK. He’s been acting like a bully lately and getting in trouble for doing jerkish things in school. Maybe he’s trying to bring his parents’ attention back to where it belongs, on him, by whatever means necessary. I’m not sure how well it’s working. I will talk to him when I get a chance, but I don’t feel I can bring it up unless he does.