My ex-husband called me today to tell me that he will be moving out to Portland, Oregon in August for his job.
For some reason that I can’t yet figure out, this really upsets me. I tell myself that I’m upset because the kids won’t be able to see him in person much anymore. Right now, we live in the same town in Wisconsin, so they get to see him every other weekend or more if they feel like it. But I do have this nagging feeling like there is something more to it. I think it may be jealousy. I’ve felt kind of stuck here, with the same old same old all the time. The main reason I’ve stayed is that I don’t want to pull the kids away from their family and friends. Now he gets to leave and I’m still stuck here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some bitter lady. I am happy where I am, I just think I could be happier somewhere else! Then again, maybe that’s the whole “grass is greener on the other side” argument.
Anyway, as I’m typing I feel more like I’m rambling and not making sense. Does anyone understand what I’m trying to say?
This is definitely some MPSIMS, but I am also wondering if anyone else is separated by a long distance from the other parent, and how the kids deal with it.
My ex-wife is moving 600 miles away in June. (our youngest graduates HS in June) My college age kids will remain here. I am almost besides myself with anticipation and joy over this.
It has been much less than fun being connected (a liberal use of the word connected) as parents since our divorce. It was bad as husband/wife, but nearly as bad as parents.
I don’t really see or talk to my ex-husband much either. My daughter is 10 and pretty much handles all the visiting arrangements. She’s the one who I worry about. My son who is 4 probably won’t be affected by it as much. We were divorced when he was about a year old. He actually went through a period where he would cry and scream when it was time to go to dad’s house.
Your ex is abandoning his children and responsibility. I see no other way to understand the situation. You on the other hand are honoring your commitment by staying where the children have roots. Always keep the father’s image positive as much as possible. One day the father may return to your city.
He’s in the military, so if he wants to keep his job he doesn’t have a choice but to move. I’m not angry at him for keeping his job. After all, he does help support the kids that way (child support).
(And if I remember correctly, he’s still under some sort of contract, so he couldn’t just quit)
How feasible would it be to follow him? Portland, Oregon is awesome (it’s my hometown, so I’m biased, and I’m typing this message from that very city!)
I think it’s absolutely not strange to have those feelings. I’ve seen people move on in life, and it feels like they’re moving “past” me while I’m still just standing there in the same place. If I think about it too hard, I get jealous and a little bitter. Most times I’m very happy where I am and with what I’m doing, but I think it’s normal to imagine something more, especially when you see people around you making radical changes in their life.
It sounds like your ex was at least somewhat active in the child-rearing process. I can easily see why watching him move away would leave you with a bit of resentment, since even more of the responsibility is on your shoulders. It seems like he ought to have consulted you (because after all, you’re still an important part of his family while the kids are being raised) and discussed his plans before just making a sudden final-decision announcement.
The father only sees the children 4 days per month right now. He is paying child support. The system that only allows him only 13.33% percent of the month to spend time with his children is at fault.
He is not abandoning his children and responsibility.
Any one year old will protest when taken away from mom. Mothers can be supportive in promoting young children’s connections to their non-custodial fathers or dismissive and play the ever popular “See they don’t like to be with you!” game. The mother’s attitudes regarding this can make a huge difference in encouraging or discouraging these connections over time, and fathers can become alienated from being active and involved dads when custodial mothers play these games.
The fact that you think a one year old or toddler throwing a fuss at having to leave you is some sort of valid indication that he will be OK without dad’s presence as he grows up is a position I think you may come to regret as your son matures.
It’s common for pre-schoolers to be upset when going from one parent to the other for access, or to return from access. It’s not that they don’t like the person whom they are going to, but rather they do not wish to be separated from the person whom they are presently with, be it the custodial parent or the access parent.
I guess what I was trying to say was that my 4 year old has grown up without having his dad in the same house, so it wouldn’t be dramatically different.
I try very hard to involve their dad in their lives. It’s his choice to see them every other weekend, I don’t limit any contact. In fact, I would love it if he saw them more! The divorce was hard for me, but I tried to never pass anything negative onto the children. It had nothing to do with them.
As for moving out there, it has crossed my mind. My parents and my ex-inlaws live here in town. Plus, I don’t know if my ex-husband would want his ex-wife following him across the country!
This was the game the kids’ mom played, to great effect. She told them ALL about every single thing I ever did to wrong her(both real and imagined). She treated our daughter like a BFF and a shoulder to cry on for over a year. She’s tried to make amends with me now, but the damage is already done. They think of me more as an uncle now than their father
I think what you feel is completely reasonable. I also think it has more to do with what is going on inside of you than what your ex is doing.
It’s hard to see others move on when you can’t do the same yourself, and who hasn’t wished the could have a new life? It’s natural to feel a little restless, especially when something comes up to remind you that you are not going anywhere any time soon. Even if you have the best life ever, it’s normal to feel a little tug when you are reminded of the path you can’t take.
I’d write a list of what is going well in your life, and what you are getting out of the location you live in. Then I would think seriously, in the long term, about what your options are for changing the things that are not working.
