Just an observation.
I have two sons, 23 and 20, The eldest was in the army, got injured in training got a medical discharge and lived at home while recovering. The youngest is going to the local University and doing well. The oldest is recovered, and joining the military again, this time the Navy, and the youngest is moving away for the first time ever. The oldest has been around the block, lived in Australia for a few months, was with the army etc. No worries there. The youngest has never been away from home, as the university is a fifteen minute walk from here. He is moving to an apartment six blocks from here. Momma is all bent. It is his plan to transfer to another university next year, a five hour drive from here. I figure his first time away from home is better six blocks away that five hours. What is her problem? Of course we will worry about both of them, but six blocks? I can walk there in bad weather in less than ten minutes. What is up? What part am I missing? He will be back often just to do laundry. and get a home cooked meal.
I don’t get it. I figure this is a great intermediate step for him to learn about being on his own before he moves too far away for us to be there immediatly, she views it as the end of the world.
Perhaps she is looking ahead more than you, and having that anxiety prior to the actual event of him moving five hours away.
To Octagon,
Perhaps you are right. When we took the eldest to the airport to go to Australia, and waved goodbye, it was a long three hour drive from O’Hare in Chicago back to Platteville. Geez, all the crying and whining, and then Momma bear started in…
Mine are just toddlers, but I’m soaking up as much as I can (on days when we’re not all having fits). There’s nothing like a warm, snuggly baby snoozing on your shoulder as my daughter is doing right now. Leaky diaper be damned, I’m going to miss this terribly - the way they melt into you with full trust; their soft soft fingers and baby-fine hair.
Maybe seeing them actually, physically leave just brings it all back.
I hope there are some grandkids in your future, when your sons are ready.
Great thing going there fessie, there is no such thing as too much love, but Momma Bear put so much into being Momma Bear that she sort of lost Sherry the person in there, and with both guys leaving within a week or two of each other, she is in a bad way. I guess I am different that way I see it as them furthering there lives, and am all for it. For sure it is not about money, the money I spent on throw rugs, lamps, a basic food pantry, a broom, mop, cleaning supplies, and other stuff will take me ten years to recover in less electricity and hot water. Who cares? It is not going tomake or break us. Sherry has to learn to be comfortable with being Sherry, not just momma bear. She has much to be comfortable with. She is a mover in the community, leader of a Low vision support group, Secretary of the local Lions Club, and a volunteer at the local food pantry. She has just defined her existance too much with the guys, and not enough on her own. Got to let them go to seek there own place, and be ready to glue the pieces back together if they crash. We will be there for them, but ya gotta let them go. I know I was a pain in the ass to my dad until the day he died. Come to think of it, for all I know I am still a pain in the ass to him. To bring the point home, one day Iwas fixing the back door and she wanted to pass through, and teasing I asked who goes there. Her responce was “me”. Teasing, I asked “Who is me?” She replied
oops, hit the send button too soon. To cut it short,she identified herself as “the mother of your children”, your wife, a fellow Lion, but never did she say “I am Sherry”.
You mentioned the cost. There are a few other possible reasons why Momma could be unhappy about your younger son’s plan (and I’ll reiterate cost, but in a slightly different way):
– The money spent on the six-blocks-away apartment would be better spent on saving for the expenses that will be necessarily incurred in attending the five-hour-away university next year. In other words, why waste the money living away from home now when you really don’t need to? Instead, you can save it for when you really do need it to live away from home.
– She is worried that he will spend all of his time and money on partying, and not enough on studying. He might get into trouble with alcohol and/or drugs. She won’t be able to keep an eye on him, his homework, and his grades if he is not living at home.
– She doesn’t like to be reminded that she is growing older. Having a child leave home seems to have this effect on some parents, and they try to “stay young” by rationalizing that they are not old if one of their children still lives at home.
– While he attends the university in your town, she wants to be a part of his school life. She wants to hear about the classes he attends, the sports and activities he participates in, the profs he likes and the ones he doesn’t, the friends he makes. Maybe she never had the chance to go to university herself, and this is an opportunity for her to vicariously do so.
Anything sound likely?
The nest won’t be empty – you’ll be there. Assuming you two are comfortable with each other and that you have a relationship that’s not 100% built around the boys, she’ll be fine. It’ll take some adjusting, but some apprehension is natural. That might be what she’s feeling. Not so much “My babies are gone” but “Who is this man in my house and what does he expect?”
I don’t have kids, but I teach high school juniors, and I fall hard for my kids. It kills me every year when the seniors graduate.
What get me about it is that you really don’t know where the relationship will go. Moving away changes people, and the people involved don’t always have a lot of control over how they change. It’s possible that you all’s kids will move away and she will never again be really close to them, emotionally or physically–they will marry and start their own lives. It won’t be the same. Whatever it will be may be good, might even be better, but it won’t be the same. She’s mourning the end of something.
The good news is that she’ll be able to celebrate whatever is new once it gets here. But for right now, don’t blame her for mourning.
Thanks for the input. To spoons, the money is not a real issue, we are not made of money, but we can borrow enough to get him through, an can afford to pay it back.
Partying is not an issue, he is a very focused guy, he lkes to have fun, but has a goal in sight, and will not veer from it. The odds of him getting into trouble with drugs or alchohol are slim, he (and the rest of the family) knows full well the impact that can have,I am an alchoholic, and they have been sooooooo helpful and supportive in keeping me in treatment.
Not being a part everyday life is an issue. I think that will leave a big hole in her life.
Manda Jo, I think you hit a big part of it. We are not that comfortable with each other. We have been together for some twenty five years, but have always been providers, not really dealing with each other, just taking care of the kids. After I read your post it really hit home, we now have to learn to deal with each other. Sort of ironic, and sad that someone you have spent half your life with you know very little about.
And by the way, AJ moving out has me down too, but us men don’t admit that sort of thing.
And Sherry can be merciless, I wanted some stufffromthe grocery store so I walked there (It is a four block walk, no point in firing up the car). AJ is now two blocks from the store, so yes I stopped in. When I got home Sherry said “You went to see AJ didn’t you”. In a lame attempt to keepmy reputation of having a heart of stone I denied it. It took her about five seconds to toss out “Where is his car parked?”
“On second street, it has to be moved.”
How would you know that if you were not there?"
Busted.
So is it a crime for a dad to be a little emotional too? And I only stopped by to see if he needed Some longer cables for his computer, some light bulbs, that sort of thing.
That is my story and I am sticking to it.
seenidog,
My sons left home at around the same ages as yours and admittedly it was kind of weird at the beginning. House awfully quiet, no extra footsteps around, meals with just me and the wife. But the main thing was the letting go … for over 20 years you knew almost everything that they did every day, you saw them in the morning, you saw them in the evening, you have daily conversations, and then that level of contact is over. Seeing their empty beds at night really crystalized the fact that they’re not home anymore. OTOH, you tell yourself that this was exactly the outcome of a good parent … to bring up their children to be on their own and to be self-sufficient. In time you will see that there are a lot of plusses … my wife and I have greater freedom now with our schedules. We can do things, like vacations and social activities, without worrying about the children at home nowadays. We have also pursued interests (professional and avocational) that take us away from home more. And you know what, my sons are still “close to home” because communication is instantaneous with email, instant messaging, and cellular technology.
Sorry, I attributed a comment made by AuntiePam to Manda Jo, sorry for the screw up. The comments of each of you are very much appreciated. As are the comments of all others. One thing is becoming very clear, I am having as hard a time dealing with this as momma bear, I thought I was ready for it, but I was wrong. He took his furniture with him, and I walk by his empty room and start to cry. It is embarassing. I am the former infantryman, former cop, tough ass nothing gets to me guy, crying is not acceptable. But there is water on my cheeks. Allergies! That is it! It is the allergies making my eyes water! That will fool Sherry for about a billionth of a second. I always said don’t be fooled by this hard cold exterior, beneath it lies a heart of stone, but I think I just blew that out of the water.
Great, the eldest leaves for the Navy and I am blowing things out of the water…
Seenidog, somebody somewhere is smoking, and it’s drifting into your area. You know how that stuff drifts around and irritates folks’ eyes. That would be my excuse, and I’d stick to it.
Hang in there, pal. You sound like a level-headed reasonable kind of Dad, and I’d say both your sons are lucky to have you for a Dad. It sounds like you gave them morals and values that will see them well through life, and while it may seem a little difficult right now, I’m sure that both of them will do you proud in the future.
And remember…it’s those damn kids down the street and around the corner smoking those damn cigarettes that’s blowing on the breeze that’s getting in your eyes, okay? Hey, that story works fine for me… 
My mom just went through this with me within the last year. I’m not sure about other moms, but my mom felt just kinda useless - like I wouldn’t ever need her help again. Like, she has her interests, but she’s first and foremost a mom. When I realized that I sat down and told her that she’s my mom, and I’ll always need her. I mean, hell; she always has food for me when she’s got leftovers (and she’s a hell of a cook) and when something’s not going right she’s a very comfy shoulder to cry on. I’d been paying my way with most of the stuff I actually needed (toiletries, meds, clothing, sanitary supplies, and school supplies) since I was about 14, I was just adding Real Bills onto the pile. It’s not money and things I need from my parents, mostly. It’s companionship. I adore them.
Moms generally (at least, in my experience) think of themselves as Mom first, everything else second. So now she needs to find something to be since she’s not Mom anymore.
Also - think back. Remember when you could hold your sons in one arm? I bet she’s remembering too. My dad gets a little weepy-eyed when he thinks of how little I was, and how big I am now. That’s a lot of emotional investment on ya’lls part.
Best of luck. Your sons sound like good kids. If it occurs to them, they might reassure you guys that they’ll always need you - I know that made my mom feel better.
~Tasha