Empty nest syndrome-- What did you do about it?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My kids are both 16 and juniors in high school. They have been innundated with college solicitations ever since they took the PSATs. They are happily figuring out where they would like to live in another year and a half. Away from home.

My daughter says she wants to stay close to home, my son is looking for warm weather party schools. I am smiling indulgently on the outside but crying like a baby on the inside. I don’t want them to go! I’ll miss them terribly! I’m too young to be left without children! My husband says we’ll travel. It’ll be like we are teenagers again. Well, I don’t wanna be like a teenager again! I want my family to stay together forever!

I know they have to go. Only my husband has heard me whine about being left childless (he thinks I’m absolutely nuts, btw) since I really don’t want to squash my kid’s enthusiasm.

Are there many empty-nesters out there? How did you deal? Was it as nice as my husband keeps telling me?

2

I had to force my daughter at the age of 19 or 20 out of the nest because she enjoyed getting high and it was unacceptable to me. We had a rough 6 months after that but pulled through.
To get me through the rough time I wrote her emails and called and sent care packages to her home. We have a great realtionship now and I have to base that on our communication lines. I don’t miss her as much as the early days of our seperation because we are in constant contact.

I sent my one son at the age of 15 to private boarding school.
I felt awful but knew it was in his best interest. Again the only way to get through it was through letters and phone calls.

I realize these are not “traditional” empty nest situations but the pain is the same.

When all 5 of my kids are gone I plan on traveling and beginning my life. I think you have to go into it with a “positive attitude”. Sure you will be lonely but that will soon go away when you begin doing things for you!

Good Luck

3

My nest has been half empty for two years. For the first year, we got phone calls every night. This has toned down somewhat now, but for me I’m always interested and fascinated by how my eldest daughter is making her way through life at this stage. And her bedroom works very well as a guest/sewing/ office.
Congratulations on having such gifted children. College solicitations, wow. You won’t have to worry how they’ll make out in life.

4

Empty nest? Well, you and your husband are still in it. The taking-care-of-kids phase in your life is coming to an end. Hopefully. Some kids NEVER leave home. Some go away and then come back and live on your couch (and money) until they’re 42 years old.

Count your blessings. Wave the kids off with a big smile. Let them know they’re always welcome back (for brief visits). Get a life, explore a new hobby, get a job, do volunteer work, take care of hubby, travel, enjoy yourself. It’s NOT like being a teenager again, because now you’ve got more sense and you can probably afford to do more of the things you would have liked to do back then. Go trade the SUV in for a two-seater.

Soon enough, the grandkids will be coming over to visit so you can spoil them rotten. And grandkids are SO MUCH nicer than kids. Honest.

  • PW
5

I’m not the empty nester, I’m the first fledging flown away, but I can tell you this: after seven years spent growing up in other cities, returning to my old stomping grounds and establishing myself as a citizen instead of a kid was challenging, heartbreaking and exhilarating. And truly, the best payoff was that after my hiatus from the family bosom, I have two best friends I can rely on for almost everything, and they are my parents.

As a teenager, I couldn’t wait to get the hell outta Dodge. So I left, and I stayed away a long time. My dad now boasts that when I came back, it was as a friend, and I can’t help but get weepy when he says that.

It’s mostly about communication, and a little about letting go. My parents don’t parent me anymore. We share our ups and downs, and brainstorm solutions, but their word is no longer law for me, and we all respect that I am an adult and must make my own decisions and mistakes, and pay my own way. And I get better advice from them than from anyone else I know.

BTW, they’re the oaks who taught me about standing my ground.

6

I got a baby doll and a cockatiel. I can hug the doll when my arms feel too empty and this tiel can be as big a pain in the butt as any teenager.

Really Biggirl you will get used to them being out of the house after a while. Just think you and hubby will be able to chase each other around the house nakkid if you want to when they are gone. Until they come home to see you, and they will.

7

My wife pretty much enjoyed the upside of our two sons leaving the nest…she loves them, but all that laundry. She adapted easily and happily…seeing it as an opportunity to spend more time and resources in the way that she chose. Ithink that is a pretty positive way to look at it.

I, on the other hand, was very much troubled by the whole thing, especially with the last one. After all, who was I going to play with? And I say that with just a bit of a wry grin. Although I did my share of the parenting, my relationship with my sons was more personal in a way. So…I got involved in volunteering, and mentoring young folks at work.

It has been 7 years, and my (our) life is diferent. Better in lots of ways (we don’t have to shut doors now!), but I will always miss them. Which is good. They were raised to become independent self-sufficient adults, and they did so. We do still have each other, and the Dad role is a bit easier and relaxing now.

SoBiggirl, YOU can grow in your own way and make your won choices about what the future holds…it can become an adventure that you never thought you could script for yourselves.

Hugs to you.

8

I’m in the opposite situation, I guess. I’m 16 and in Grade 12, and the university I want to go to (read: the one closest to me that offers the program I want) is halfway across the country. And I’m a real mommy and daddy’s girl. I can’t see myself living on my own going to university next fall.

So I can give up on what I want to do and stay closer to home (as in, a few hour’s driving distance) or leave, and have an absolute mental breakdown (I already have some psychological issues).

I know, I know, I just started my Grade 12 year, but I need to think about these things - for a good chance to be accepted, I need to apply by February.

9

Aww, Biggirl, you can cry on my shoulder anytime you like. I went through seperation anxiety with all three of my daughters.

I cried when they each started to take their first steps (because they weren’t babies anymore), slobbered when they went off to kindergarten; I bawled like a baby when they started first grade and made a blubbering fool outta myself when they started high school.

The funny thing is, we all survived their coming of age. I felt the pang of the empty nest most acutely. When my eldest went off to college (“Down, MOM, DOWN! Let go of my leg!!”), I had two more at home. Then when my middle child left for college, at least I still had one at home. That wasn’t enough for me, so I took in two foster kids.

My foster children graduated the same year as my youngest, and all three left me that year to seek their fortunes elsewhere. It was touch and go there for a while, but when I realized my electric bill was a mere 40% of what it had been when the kids were still at home, I felt a sort of tingle go through me.

There is a life after children. I still reflect with bittersweetness all the good times and bad we had while they were growing up. But raising children is a means to an end. They do have to have their own lives eventually. And you never stop worrying about them. They will always be the toddler that held steadfast to your hand, trusting you to protect them against boo-boos and Bad Things.

Your adult children will remember how you loved them, corrected them and taught them how to be the young adults they are now. All five of my children are best friends with one another, and with me.

It can be very hard to let them go, but they will come home to visit. It’s not the end of the world. It’s a natural progression to full adult status. Remember when you were their age? Eh?

Believe me, you will find the strength within yourself to cope with the empty nest. Be prepared for a period of adjustment and you’ll be fine. And take the hubby up on his offer of “travel”. :slight_smile:

10

I’m right there with you Biggirl. kiddoeaddi is 17, wonderful and has a standing invitation to hang around just as long as she likes. My guess is that it will be for about 10 minutes after she graduates from high school.

I hate travel. I have my eye on a mini-dachshund. :frowning:

11

When the last one moved out, my wife and I danced and sang and ran around naked doing silly things. Of course that didn’t last long. Soon the oldest was back home (with the 3 grandkids of course) and then the youngest (with her new husband) moved back in. Then they all moved out. No dancing and singing this time. We did get naked and do silly things again.

All live nearby and we see them almost daily. That has made it easier on my wife.

12

To be honest it’s schools like Cold Mountain College of Ice and Snow in Religioustown, Utah and Clayeater’s University School of Firearms in Lynchem, Mississippi that we’re seeing a lot of. Plus the fact that they’re two-- two minorities in one with really good PSAT scores that has these small town schools so interested.

We all already do tons of volunteer work spearheaded by my husband-- a real liberal who puts his money, time and muscle where his mouth is. It’s not only that I love my children-- I genuinely like them.
Yeup, I’m gonna cry and cry.

13

I’m in a unique situation - we’ll both leave the nest at the same time - the kid to (we hope) Orlando and the University of Central Florida, and me to Maryland where my husband and I will build our retirement home on 1.6 lovely wooded acres. So it’ll be a pretty clean break. I won’t have “her” room to preserve as a shrine. When she comes “home”, she’ll stay in the guest room.

What I do worry about is her being 800 or more miles away. She’s going to have to deal with everything on her own. We’ll be a phone call and a long-honkin’ drive away, but if her car breaks down, she’s gotta call AAA and deal with it. If she needs a filling in her tooth, she’s gotta deal with it. If she forgets to refill her allergy meds, she’s gotta deal with it. I know she’s smart and very mature and I don’t worry, but I do worry, ya know?

<sigh> This parent stuff is tuff. But she’s got her own ideas of what she wants to do with her life - and it involves staying in Florida. We want to be near the Chesapeake Bay. There are things we want to do, especially after I retire in 6 years.

We’ll visit her. She’ll visit us. She’ll probably marry eventually, and the grandkids will come spend the summer sailing with their favorite grandparents. :smiley: And in another 25 or 30 years, I’ll be listening to my baby cry about her babies leaving home… Circle of life and all that.

14

I’m actually enjoying my temporary empty nest right now. My son is out of town for the third week in a row with work, and I really enjoy sleeping naked again. If I had a husband the sex would be insane. I can go to bed without having to leave a light on for him, and won’t be woken up when he comes home.

I adore both my children, and only wanted to be a mom and wife. But I also never based my whole life on the kids…I had books and quilting and sewing and all sorts of other fun stuff to do. When the second one went to kindergarten (all-day kindergarten…the best!) I did a little dance and went back to bed! Sleep deprivation is not a good thing!

My children have been enough of a pain through the teen and divorce years that seeing my daughter move out at 19 was a relief in some ways. I sincerely wish my son’s job will enable him to do the same. Now if they’d been good kids who finished high school and went to college, the story might be slightly different, but I still think I’d be looking forward to them leaving.

Just be sure you’re not trying to postpone being alone with your spouse. I think if the ex and I were still married with all the problems we had, the thought of not having the kids around as a buffer might be a bit frightening. Try to be as eager to be alone with him as he seems to be eager to be alone with you.

And above all, keep busy. This isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning of your real life!

15

My brother and I should both be out of the house again by next spring – he’s going off to Air Force basic training in February at the latest (oh please let there be an early opening in programming school…please!), and I moved back in temporarily at the beginning of this year and hope to be out by the first of the next one – and I think our mom is pretty much okay with it, though I know she’ll miss us again. (He went off to school for a year and had a disastrous year; I’d been out of the house for four years, so our poor mom is having to deal with us leaving AGAIN.)

I think she ought to be HAPPY that we want to leave, though she tells me I’m welcome to stay as long as I want. But I don’t want to! I’m 27! I want my own place again. I’d decided this was a temporary move when I made it, and I’m keeping to that.

I don’t think I’ll ever quit appreciating her taking me in during a serious moment of need, though.

16

Our nest is half-empty: one son is a junior in college, the other a freshman in high school. I cried when we sent off our oldest to college, but no, I didn’t miss the laundry!
My spouse and I had a pretty cool thing going before we had kids, and I look forward to eventually having a bit less responsibility and a bit more freedom while I am still relatively young enough to enjoy it.

17

Don’t do what my mother did. She filled the void by getting chickens. A cat or a dog, I understand. Fish, or even a couple of canaries, that makes sense. But my mother filled her yard with neurotic, brainless, stinky, feather-shedding, poop-spraying critters. (Well, except for the feathers, that’s a lot like human kids, I suppose.) We all make fun of her now, in a nice way. ;d Do you want your friends and family making fun of you? :smiley:

There’s an uphill walk involved with that, I understand.

18

;d = :wink:

:rolleyes:

19

Yeesh, I totally missed all of this when I went away to college, because I was the last of three to leave, and by that point, seeing as my parents slowly saw what it was like with less/no kids, they were like,
“OK ok, got to get you off to college, have a good time, are you sure you don’t want to go to Colorado?”
With you, though, it’s different, since both are leaving at the same time. Yeah, you’ll miss them, and they’ll miss you, but in the end, the prospect of being able to walk around naked any time you want will be the winning argument…for both sides.

20

I’ll bet my mom felt that exact thing when I left town. But it was the making of me. I learned how to deal with the day-to-day lumps of life, and realized that as much a pain in the ass it was for one, it must have been so much worse with two kids in tow. I learned that I am every bit as able as my mom told me I was.

The fun thing was coming home at Christmas, and dealing for mom the way she’s dealt for me all my life. The gratitude on her face was something else, and all I’d done was fill her presriptions and picked up some tp.