In a few months, hallboy will turn 18 and graduate from high school. Afterwards, he’s planning on joining the Air Force which means for the first time in nearly 30 years, I will be by myself.
I’ve been a parent since I was 16 and have raised three kids pretty much on my own. For the first time in my life, I’ll be living by myself (except for my three cats), and quite honestly, I have no idea what to expect.
It seems like everyone I know whose kids are leaving the house are either married or in a relationship. I’ve been married and divorced and in a serious relationship, but haven’t been in one in years and really don’t have much of a desire to be in one now. For someone with a partner, having an “empty nest” is different than having a house that doesn’t have kids in it.
Over the years, I’ve gradually been incorporating myself and my wants and needs into my life, so it’s not like I sacrificed 100% myself to be a parent. I have some minor things I want to do, but nothing that will define who I am if I’m not a parent. I’m not a social butterfly and truly do not like crowds–I’ve worked hard to create my home and really like being here.
I guess I’m just looking for someone–a single parent–whose kids have left home and how things became different for you. I don’t know what to expect and that’s kinda bugging me to no end.
I have a few years before my kids leave, so I can’t really empathize yet…but I’m planning, oh yes. I’m in (or will be, eventually) a similar situation–I’ve been raising kids for 25 years, and the youngest is just 11.
It’ll be very different, and I think I’ll have to find some way to use up my nuturing energy–either through more hours at work (I’m an eldercare provider) or volunteer work somewhere. I also like to cook a lot (quantity-wise, I mean) so that may lead me yet more volunteer or paid work.
More time to knit, work in the yard, sleep, maybe start writing again. Right now it sounds great! But of course the reality is that it’s not temporary (usually), so it’s a matter of adjusting.
All that writing, and there’s not a helpful comment in it, but I do hope it all goes well and the change is a good one for you. You’ve already learned to be your own person, and I think that’s the most important thing. Good luck.
You can spend a lot more time on the internet! My mom was a single empty nester for a few years, after divorcing her 2nd husband and my younger sister left home. It drove her batty. She’s always been an extrovert who can’t stand being alone with her thoughts. She felt (in her words, here) like she’d lost her purpose in life.
Possible remedies? Well, unless you adopt more kids, you’re going to have to get used to life at a slower, quieter pace. Kids leave a lot of drama and loudness (and messiness) in their wake, and you’ll probably find yourself missing some of that. Find other hobbies, or you could volunteer. Get a part-time job and meet more people to talk to. Could you join a church? Even a UU church is good for the “community” part of church, if you’re an atheist. Perhaps you could take time to look for a boyfriend (if you want one).
My mom joined a pagan coven and occupied herself with social events. She talked to her friends and family a lot on the phone. She took up crochet. She met a guy who doesn’t mind being bossed around, and they hang out a lot. She still spends more time alone than she’d like, but that’s because she’d prefer to *never *be alone. You may not be that extreme of an extrovert, though. A few fun hobbies and some volunteer work might be enough to keep you happy.
As an aside, reconsider before complaining to your kids that their absence is making you unhappy.
I’m not unhappy that they’re gone–just the opposite. I busted my ass to make sure they were raised to be independent individuals, and that’s what they’ve become. Although Hallboy still lives here, he’s frequently off doing his own thing, and we spend some time together in the evenings, it’s not a lot.
I’m just trying to figure out what life is like for someone who is single, isn’t particularly social (and is content with that), whose main role (as a parent) is now gone.
Do you have friends? Someone you can just talk to at the end of a long day? Cultivate them. Regularly schedule some social interaction and if you need to, force yourself. You don’t have to fill your days with other people, but you should make sure that you have people around that you can talk to. Especially if you are headed into retirement as well…
My cube neighbor went nuts unemployed, single and empty nested. She’s pretty social though and craves a lot of interaction. Now employed, that’s taken a lot of stress off her.
They are generally better behaved and housetrained than men (especially once fixed), more willing to cuddle, and easier to put down when they become old & sick.
I have a long time before I’m an empty nester, and I’d like to think I’ll still be married at that point. However, I am wrapping up a dissertation on empty nest mothers.
Findings: Not many. I thought that perhaps empty nesters would spend more time at work, or do more volunteer activities, or find themselves taking care of elderly parents. Not according to my survey analysis. I did some interviews with some mothers whose children had recently left home. While a couple of the women I spoke to seemed really directionless, most of them were really enjoying this stage of life. I heard a lot about pets and I heard a lot about travel. I interviewed married women, and they were all enjoying the ability to refocus on the romantic aspects of their relationships. However, many also mentioned that relationships with female friends were more important than before. It seemed that the best-adjusted women had a major project or two to focus on - mostly volunteer stuff, hobbies, or other leisure activities.
My most exciting result? My survey analysis shows that empty nest mothers are more likely to report being happy and less likely to be depressed than mothers with teens or young adults at home, or childless women. So there’s something to look forward to!
I haven’t been through it yet, but most of my friends were navigating this territory right around the time I got pregnant, LOL!
Here’s my input: Resist the urge to fill the time right away. Eventually you may wish to travel, volunteer, start a book club, or become head cougar at a club in the next city over. But for the first year, just take in the experience of being you.
Find out how much sleep you really want, and what time your body prefers to wake up on the weekends. Go to the grocery store and really look around for once - what have you been buying for others, and what would you actually like to have in the house? Now that you are buying for one, you can probably afford to switch from fish sticks to fresh salmon. . .
Go to the art supply store and just wander. Do any of the materials call your name? Open up the local community college catalog - anything there you’d really like to know more about?
The danger I’ve seen friends run into is that they’ve been driven by the needs of others for so long, that they simply lose their impetus to move. Be OK with sitting still for a while. It’s not necessarily depression, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Putting your energy into yourself takes getting used to.
Good ideas so far! Thanks everyone–BetsQ it’s nice to have a “scientific” perspective as well.
Hallgirl2 has already suggested Naked Saturdays (which sounds oddly appealing).
I’ve been eyeballing the lastest catalogue from the local vo-tech for adult classes that I got in the mail lately–the class on Criminal Investigations sounds interesting.
I hadn’t thought about traveling, but that also sounds interesting.
I’m really looking forward to having every. single. thing. to myself–from food to the bathroom. I’m really chomping at the bit.
Although I’m a long way from retirement (I’m only 45!), I talk to people all day at work (answering questions and solving problems and giving advice and support), so by the time the evening rolls around I just want everyone to STFU and leave me alone. The idea of being “social” on my downtime makes me want to smack someone.
I’m a married empty nester. Do you have a list of things you always wanted to do but never had time for? Read all of Shakespeare, watch all of I Love Lucy, whatever? Now you have time to get started. Classes are good (and you meet people also) but now you have time to read in depth about a subject which interests you.
And I’d check to make sure my curtains fully cover my windows if I were you.
I’d still encourage you to try. If you get laid off and don’t have the talk to people at work, or once you retire, having a few old friends is usually important to keep you grounded in the world.
(I’m “only 45” as well, but I’m REALLY looking forward to being retired - and it isn’t that far away. Time slips by so quickly now).
My son went off to college and my wife moved out at the same time, about 5 months ago. I like spending time alone, so it’s cool with me, and I have plenty of friends I can hang out with if I want, and I have a cat to take care of, so for me it has been OK, though there are some things I am still working out, the main one being how to cook for one person.
Someone may come into your life when you least expect it, and enjoying your own company is good, too. I still have kids at home, and I hope to eventually find someone who will be more than just a friend to hang out with.
I don’t think things change all that much. By the time they leave home, they’ve already spent a lot of time on their own, not needing you too much. For me it the greatest change was dinner time. I still find it hard to cook for one.
My mom was a single empty nester for a few years, after divorcing her 2nd husband and my younger sister left home. It drove her batty. She’s always been an extrovert who can’t stand being alone with her thoughts. She felt (in her words, here) like she’d lost her purpose in life.