Co-Worker accused me of being racist...was he right?

[eschrodinger]

@Novelty_Bobble

I’d suggest an equally immature reaction is to expect that the offense you feel personally requires some act of personal responsibility on the part of another person.

If you accidentally tread on someone’s toes, do you apologize?

[Mighty_Mouse]

Depends on their social status relative to mine.

[thorny_locust]

Is that supposed to be a serious answer?

[Mighty_Mouse]

No it is not.

[Machine_Elf]

@Novelty_Bobble

I’d suggest an equally immature reaction is to expect that the offense you feel personally requires some act of personal responsibility on the part of another person.

What about the cases like the one described by the OP - in which a person has been stereotyped as a “resident expert” on a foreign country based only on a couple of specious external traits, and it’s the 37th time it’s happened to him this week?

It might be better to think of this not in terms of offense, but in terms of hurt. The OP inflicted an emotional injury on his colleague. Not a big one, but his colleague was probably thinking “oh man, not this shit again.” As @eschrodinger implies, most folks would quickly apologize if they accidentally stepped on their coworker’s toes, but acknowledging being the cause of emotional injury, and accepting responsibility for it, seems to be much harder for some folks.

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

@pulykamell

Yeah, what you said is definitely along the lines of how I might approach it today. I like the idea of just throwing it out to the office in general – that seems to be the best approach of all, as it’s unclear to me whether this issue specifically has to do with some aspect of Indian culture or whatnot anyway, and it seems like such a specialized question that would probably require knowledge of Indian websites with similar names that anyone could suss out with enough research.

This is an excellent point–throwing the question toward the dude with a turban may be inappropriate even if he’s got special India expertise, because it might be a different sort of expertise entirely that’s needed to solve the problem.

The flip side possibility is that there is special India expertise that’s required, but that it’s Jenny Powell over there, with her white lady hairdo and white lady clothes, who’s like mmmmikeeeee’s Youtuber; maybe she, unlike the guy with the turban, spent half her childhood in India and knows its culture well enough to answer the question.

Throwing the question open to the room invites whatever expertise from whatever expert can help solve the problem.

[Acsenray]

@Two_Many_Cats2

On the other hand, it is equally immature and damaging to go looking for reasons to be offended where no malice is intended.

Those with lofty goals of calling out micro-aggressions in order to make society a better place need to remember that racism is a dangerous charge to toss around. Probably the only worse thing you can accuse someone of is pedophilia. People can lose their jobs over a thoughtless remark.

Yes, of course. The feelings of people engaging in racist behavior is always more important than the feelings of the people who most endure racist behavior day after day.

That’s the privilege of the ruling class, after all.

[Novelty_Bobble]

@thorny_locust

So you’re in agreement with me that the OP shouldn’t have asked the question solely of the person of Indian descent but should instead have asked the whole group

Did the OP confirm that it was a group? I’ve not read anything that confirms how many were in the call or what the OP knows about the experience or knowledge of any others present.
If it was a group I personally would have asked it of everyone as a matter of course. That doesn’t mean that what the OP did was unreasonable.

@thorny_locust

and in addition should not have made the problem worse by calling the person of Indian descent the company’s expert on India?

Did you miss the multiple times already where I very clearly commented on that? where I quoted my specific words that address that?

[Miller]

@Two_Many_Cats2

Probably the only worse thing you can accuse someone of is pedophilia.

I mean, that’s not even close to true. There are so many things that are worse that being a racist. Almost all the stuff that will actually get you put in jail, for example.

[Novelty_Bobble]

@eschrodinger

If you accidentally tread on someone’s toes, do you apologize?

Yes, but I don’t accept that treading on toes is the equivalent of someone taking offence. It is a bad anology.

The correct question to ask is if I apologise and take personal responsibility to rectify the situation whenever someone is offended by something I said, something I do or an opinion I hold.
The answer to that is no, and I would suggest that that holds true for pretty much everyone.
Another correct question to ask is if I expect others to do similar whenever they say or do something that offends me. Again, no.

Do I ever apologise or rectify? Of course. When I think it is warranted and when I’m at fault.

[thorny_locust]

@Novelty_Bobble

I don’t accept that treading on toes is the equivalent of someone taking offence. It is a bad anology.

It’s not an analogy for taking offence, but for giving it.

And the reason it’s a useful analogy is that both things can be done either accidentally or on purpose. But in either case, continuing to stand on the toes after being informed that one’s doing so can only be done on purpose.

[Two_Many_Cats2]

@Acsenray

Yes, of course. The feelings of people engaging in racist behavior is always more important than the feelings of the people who most endure racist behavior day after day.

It’s not just about feelings. Accusing someone of being racist can get someone fired, so when you make the accusation, be damn certain that the person is a racist. Not just someone with a clumsy way of expressing thoughts.

[Great_Antibob]

Just the accusation? Yeah right. I’ve never seen that happen where there wasn’t documented evidence.

And if there’s documented evidence, what’s the debate?

[Two_Many_Cats2]

@Miller

I mean, that’s not even close to true. There are so many things that are worse that being a racist. Almost all the stuff that will actually get you put in jail, for example.

If you say someone is an embezzler, I guarantee that the level of social revulsion and public shaming will not equal that of someone tagged as a racist. A drug dealer will not be as viscerally hated as a racist. Racists are seen as horrible, horrible people. Why otherwise would the charge be so vociferously denied for even the slightest suggestion of guilt?

[Jaguars]

Are we still even talking about the OP here? He may have said something a bit racist but he’s not exactly David Duke.

[Jaguars]

Anyway, having thought about this thread a little over the last day or so, there’s some positive points I want to put forward.

1. The OP at least was curious enough about this to ask when they could have reflexively denied the charge. I hope they’ve at least taken enough from this to understand the point of view they asked about.

2. The Sikh man in the OP. He could have kept his head down, but he chose to speak out about being racially stereotyped.

3. All the people that explained their lived experience of low level racism and kept their patience, especially Acsenray. You’re a lot more polite than I would manage.

[Larry_Borgia]

Can you give an example of someone who lost their job or had other serious consequences for merely being called a racist, with no examples of any racist behavior? In the OP’s case, he isn’t being called a racist, his co-worker merely said that a thing he said was racist.

[Miller]

@Two_Many_Cats2

If you say someone is an embezzler, I guarantee that the level of social revulsion and public shaming will not equal that of someone tagged as a racist.

Do you see that sort of social revulsion and public shaming happening in this thread? Do you think the OP is being treated worse for talking about how he said something kind of racist, then he would if he came in here and admitted to cleaning out his company’s pension fund?

[edwin_klockars]

@thorny_locust

I don’t know that the OP was in a hole to begin with. Maybe they just got their question answered, and having figured out why the co-worker said they said something racist and what it is that they did wrong, they don’t feel the need to get involved in any further arguments.

As I said, coming to a place like this for help figuring that out is an entirely sensible thing to do.

Thanks. This is accurate. Also, the number of responses here is also just overwhelming.

[Two_Many_Cats2]

@Miller

Do you see that sort of social revulsion and public shaming happening in this thread? Do you think the OP is being treated worse for talking about how he said something kind of racist, then he would if he came in here and admitted to cleaning out his company’s pension fund?

I don’t think there would’ve been 300 responses if he had.