Said by one of my previous bosses (she’s also a dear friend): “I can’t wear skirts to the office- I spend too much time under the desks.”
You should have seen her blush when she realized what she’d said. 
[SUB]It was a startup company- and everyone had to help out with setting up the network, etc.[/SUB]
This morning, when discussing the death of Mr. Rogers, my 28 year old co-worker expressed shock to find out that Mr. Rogers’ show wasn’t a small-time local Chicago show. She couldn’t believe that our co-worker who grew up in Wisconsin knew who he was.
When we have trauma patients come in the Emergency Room who don’t have ID, aren’t conscious, whatever, they are placed under “state” names. What this means is the admitting person assigns them the name of a state in lieu of the real name so the hospital can go ahead and take blood, do tests, etc. and get results back while we wait for the real name to be confirmed. The admitting clerk starts with the “A” states and goes through the alphabet (X Alabama, X Alaska, X Arizona, etc.) as we get more trauma patients Got that?
Anyway, a coworker of mine recently exclaimed in frustration, “Why do those idiots in the ER always leave out the “B” states?”
When we tried explaining to her that there are no states that begin with “B” she fought us on it. Finally, we asked her to name one. Arrogantly, she says, “Boise.” (Yes, she pronounced it ‘boyz’, instead of the correct way also).
Another coworker refuses to accept that there is a state called “New Hampshire”. She honestly believes that we have an “extra” state name that isn’t really a state that they use for “special situations”. So when we get to the “N” names, every time she exclaims to us that “there’s another one of those New Hemisphere’s in here!”
I wish I was lying to you.
There was also the girl who, when we explained that the cleaner that we use in the hospital kills all kinds of germs including the HIV virus, asked me why we couldn’t just give the cleaner to patients with HIV. She was serious. I spent a long time trying to explain it to her but it ended up that now she doesn’t believe me that the cleaner actually does kill HIV since “if there was such a chemical they would have figured out how to put it in a pill and cure people.”
I am so glad we don’t actually work with patients.
Said in reference to the recent tragic deaths in a Chicago nightclub: “Ya know what the worst part of it was? Those folks who got killed were mostly latecomers and they didn’t even get a chance to dance.” (said in all seriousness to nodding co-workers)
Two words:
“Bondage Moose”
I once had a co-worker who was astonished when I explained that French fries were made from potatoes. For the longest time, she refused to believe it.
This same co-worker didn’t know that you needed a rooster amongst your hens in order to get eggs to hatch.
My best friend at work had a glaring moment of brain cramp:
Her parents were going to go to drive their new RV from Michigan to Florida. Her dad needed to buy a cell phone for the trip.
My friend said, " But dad, why don’t you just take the cordless phone with you."
We never let her live that one down .
Shirley, you’d be surprised how well just taking a hand unit would work as long as you stayed to residential areas.
Of course, it’s called theft of service, but you’d still be amazed.
Some of the above are great.
I was in business for many years with a woman I’d known for many years prior. In our first office, when the company was just the two of us, we had a large workroom and a reception room. We had just purchased our second computer and had connected the two that day with WFWG.
And discovered Hearts! We were playing each other (first experience of this sort) when the front door ringer rang, and my partner exclaimed in an incredibly loud stage whisper, “Quick! He’s gonna catch us!”
It was a good five minutes before our insurance agent stuck his head around the corner.
While she’s a very attractive gal, there’s never been any romance between us.
Later we were in another office where our conference room was separated from the company next door by a sheetrock wall. We could hear everything said in the next office. One time my partner sneezed in that room, and “Gesundheit!” came through the wall.
One day we’d wolfed down our Burger King lunch in that room and towards the late afternoon I guess I appeared a bit bloated feeling, because she looked at me and said. “I guess that Whopper’s just not going to fit in those pants.”
We both immediately realized the possible interpretation next door and began cracking up, in a stifled way.
She was standing with an armload of maps and began to crumple with laughter, so she made it over to a chair and sank in, saying, “I’ve gotta sit down on that!”
Not again! More cracking up, less successfully stifled, with giggles escaping and pounding of the conference table.
What a good laugh. Finally, after several minutes, we are both catching our breath when she lets out with, “Ooooh! What a great way to end the day!”
I wish I could remember more; she had a million of 'em.
This one’s a tad long, but it’s been brought back to mind by Ringo’s post above. There is mature content ahead, so stop reading now.
While I was in school I worked at a brew pub. One day one of the servers, Ms. X, came in on her day off to have a few drinks with friends. She made a new friend, and had more than a few drinks.
She was seen following her new friend into the men’s room, and by the time the person who’d seen her go in managed to convince herself she’d seen it and get in touch with somebody who was willing to go and check out what was happening in there, the new friend’s pants were unzipped and Ms. X was quite happily performing an act that’s illegal in quite a few southern states.
Ms. X was turned over to the custody of her original friends, her new friend was escorted from the premises, and life went on as usual except that the entire staff had a single topic of conversation for the rest of the night.
The restaurant closed at midnight, the bar closed at 2:00 and the beer store closed at 2:30. I was kitchen staff, and joined one of the cooks for a couple of beers when we got the cleanup done. We were still there when the beer store closed. The clerk in there got the outside doors locked, lights off, etc., but she couldn’t get the connecting door to the bar proper closed.
She asked for help. The cook jumped up and headed over. He tried just pulling really hard, that didn’t work. He pushed, that didn’t work. He examined the hinges, checked underneath the door for a misplaced doorstop, I wasn’t paying much attention but I think at some point he had a stethoscope and an MRI machine involved. It was a complicated procedure. Finally, the door closed.
He came back, flopped into his seat, and said “Man, that was embarassing. I thought I’d just give it a tug, but the next thing you know I’m down on my knees and it just got worse from there.”
Isn’t that what Monica Lewinsky told Paula Jones?
Yeah…But a surprising number of people think that “New England” is a state, too, so I guess…nah, she’s still a moron
We had one of the sort evilbeth describes on the copydesk.
Woman had a degree in history, mind you:
Her: Do we have a graphic of the Indian flag? (a reasonable question)
Me: No, we only have graphics of flags for NATO countries.
Her: I knew that. I didn’t know India wasn’t part of NATO.
Me: Um, it’s kind of not on the North Atlantic.
Her: Isn’t Germany in NATO?
Me: Yeah.
Her: It’s not on the North Atlantic.
Me: It’s a hell of a lot closer than India!
Her: Well … I was never much good at geography.
Me: … You … you were a history major.
Her: Geography’s not that important to history.
Another time:
Her: I can’t remember … is the incumbent the guy already in office or the guy running against him?
(Apparently basic political science isn’t important to history, either.)
My brother actually has the best coworker story. Before I get into the story, I should tell you he’s absolutely brilliant, but he has no tolerance for stupidity, in part because he refuses to accept that the rest of the world doesn’t operate at his level. At one place he worked, he and his boss had fun trying stump each other with trivia questions. There was a woman who worked there who wasn’t at all bright, I’m afraid. She used to complain because she was left out of these games, despite the boss’s explanation that she wouldn’t enjoy them.
Finally, one day, my brother decided to give her a chance. He tossed her a softball question: “What’s the highest mountain in the world?”
Her answer was “Switzerland.” No, apparently she didn’t realize Switzerland wasn’t a mountain.
The funnies thing I saw from a coworker took place while I was working in a manufacturing plant. One of my routine chores was entering the tool maintenance reports, which were used to indicate what went wrong with the dies we used to stamp parts. Most mornings this was pretty routine and boring, but it was a nice way to ease into my day. One day, however, I just had to start laughing. When I was entering what was done to fix one problem, what I saw written was “Increased stripper penetration.” I took the report, walked over to the tool maintenance shop and said, “You guys are having way too much fun back here!”
The guys tried to explain what I already knew – a stripper is a legitimate part of a die, and they didn’t mean it to come out that way. I just appreciated some fun in a boring job.
CJ
I had a conversation with a very ignorant coworker about my vegetarian diet. I don’t preach about it and I’m not pushy (hell, I cook meat dishes for other people—as long as I don’t have to eat it I don’t care). But no matter how laid-back and non-preachy I am, some people Will Not Get It. And will continue to assume that I want to make everyone grass clippings or something.
So, I was trying to explain that I didn’t eat fish and chicken because my diet does not include animal flesh. Simple, right? No. Not simple.
“But fish aren’t animals, are they?” She asks, with her nose curled, completely doubtful of what I’m telling her. I am amazed by her. I say, “YES, they are. They are animals. What else would they be?”. But she still looks doubtful. “Fish aren’t animals. No…they aren’t animals.”
She finally half-heartedly conceded that maybe (maybe) fish were animals. Since she couldn’t tell me what they were instead (vegetable? mineral?) she finally just let it drop. I still fear that she thinks fish are not animals. What they are in her feverish little mind, I have no idea. But apparently, not animals.
An American in our office told me that the best and most authentic Swiss cheese in the world came from Wisconsin.
And there was me thinking the clue was in the title
I worked for a guy who was a metaphor mix master. He once combined “the tail wagging the dog” and “cart before the horse” to come up with “the dog is wagging the cart”.
A current cow-orker once asked “what is the capital of South America?” but instantly knew it was a dumb question.
We were cashing out our registers in the supermarket I worked in when I was in high school. Incredibly stupid co-worker who should not have been allowed near anyone else’s money to boss after trying to cash out for 15 minutes:
“There’s something wrong with this money. Every time I count it, I get a different number.”
Let’s not get into my co-workers at my present job who kept insisting geese can’t fly.
When I was a travel agent, I heard an co-worker advise a client that she could pick up a car and drive between the Hawaiian islands.
Of course, that doesn’t even come close to the stupid things that clients would say. I used to think that people should have to take test before they left the country but that’s a different thread now isn’t it.
Andrew (coworker): (after bitching about our job for a while)…, but I’d still rather work here then suck cock for coke.
Our Boss, who was hiding behind Andrew and heard the whole thing: I’m glad you feel that way, Andrew.