It sounds like your adult children are poised almost exactly halfway between being children in your house and being adult houseguests in your house. In my opinion, I think this will work itself out in the next few years, as your kids get apartments and houses and start seeing things from the other side (the magically replenishing fridge and all that). Can you keep the rules the same for the kids when they come home until they graduate college and get their own places? It’s probably going to be important in the next couple of years that you don’t let things get too sweet at home - you don’t want them graduating and moving back in forever.
It doesn’t sound like your kids have actually had any experiences that moved them toward maintaining a household on their own yet (dorm, frat, maybe kinda the apartment). So there’s no real reason to expect them to have gotten better at that particular skill since they left.
I vote for just spelling out what you expect them to do. They’re not at the stage where they are adult children visiting their aging parents yet. A potentially fun variation on this would be to ask them to take over dinner as a group a few nights when they are there, from start to finish. Things like spaghetti night, taco night, chili night, baked potatoes with toppings. If they really hate each other this won’t work, but if they get along OK as siblings it could be fun, while also teaching them the skills to prepare some inexpensive meals from scratch.
I have to admit that the norm in my family was that if an adult woman didn’t work outside the home, it *was *her job to keep house for everyone else, at least while they were still students. That sounds horribly retro, but that’s what it was. We kids had a few chores, but we weren’t in charge of anything and the bar was set more at “don’t be destructive” than “be proactive.” I’m not recommending that, though.
Just wait, in a couple years the situation will change from: “Damn kids won’t clean” to “Sure Dad, I’d love to come. But, muh job’s a hassle and the kids’ have the flu”
Kids who are home from college are a weird no man’s land–they are and will always be family members, but they’re really not household members any more. However comfortable and familiar and “home” your house may be to them, they don’t live there anymore–it’s your house, not theirs. As such, it’s not quite fair to expect them to pitch in to the extent that you would require if they actually lived in the house, though you would certainly expect them to pitch in at least as much as any regular houseguest.
I’m a college student currently home on break and my thought is lay it out on the line. Tell them what you want. I feel that the person paying for my education gets to make demands and if that means I spend my break vacuuming and doing dishes, then I vacuum and do dishes. Of course, I enjoy cooking and leap at the chance to make meals and go shopping on my parents’ dime for ingredients. Especially the fancier stuff that I can’t justify buying during the semester. (Brie is so darn expensive!)
When I was in high school the expectation for house work was to keep my bedroom from being a biohazard, keep up with my own laundry and whatnot (personal possessions were not to be left just laying around in the common areas if they weren’t actively being used), help in some way with dinner (either setting the table, doing actual cooking, or cleaning up), and other odd jobs as asked. The only chore that was really done without being asked was emptying the dishwasher. Vacuuming, dusting, etc. were things that were specifically requested, mostly because I can walk into a filthy room and not notice the tumble weeds of dog hair.
When I came home for college breaks, the expectations were the same, but my dad had just gotten remarried to a woman who had never had children before and she did a lot of my laundry without being asked. I think she was trying to get out repressed mothering feelings. I didn’t complain.
Right now, I’m 24 years old and visiting my parents for a few days for Christmas. The expectations are still there. I felt bad on Saturday because I got in right in the middle of dinner prep and two of my sisters wanted to take me out for drinks after dinner, so I didn’t help with the cleanup at all. It was a low key meal though, so most everything was able to go in the dishwasher.
I don’t know how much of a help my experiences are to you. I guess what I’m thinking is to look at the expectations you had before they left home and to see how they might have evolved and then discuss that with your children.
When I was in college, I pitched in when I came home pretty much the same way I did in high school, at first.
However, after my father got on my case for hanging the toilet paper backwards and putting some glasses away on the wrong shelf, I started waiting for instructions, because, not living in the house full-time, I no longer knew where everything went and didn’t feel like getting bitched at if I moved something.
As an adult guest, I offer and will take care of obvious things like dirty dishes in the sink or taking out the garbage, but I ask about anything else or leave it for Mom and Dad to deal with.
Happy to report that after dinner yesterday the kids cleaned up without being asked.
It was nice! 
I’ve been thinking about the “molehill” comment. Before I had kids, I didn’t realize how much of conscientious parenting essentially consisted of tackling countless, endlessly repeating “molehills”, day/year/decade in-and-out. IMO parenting isn’t rocket science, but I have found it to be exhausting (tho also immensely rewarding).
Just about every single dispute I have had with my kids has followed some transgression which would seem extremely minor in isolation. But in most cases, I believe that whatever specific incident sparked the argument was a symptom of a recurring mindset/situation.
And until all of our kids were away at school, we had no idea how wonderful it could be to have to worry about no molehills other than the ones we created ourselves.
I realize that both we and our kids need to continue to change and grow as our kids continue to progress towards being independent adults. It is really an interesting and rewarding - tho at times frustrating - process. And - as a parent - it really is amusing to hear a teen/young adult say they want to be treated “as an adult”, when they clearly have no interest in doing so much of what a responsible adult must do. Just MO.
Dinsdale, I’ve told you this before, but you need to hear it again. Your kids are perfect in nearly every way. Even when you come on here asking for advice about some problem, your kids come across as perfect. You should be counting your blessings rather than worry about it anymore.
You’ve raised three people who have grown up into great adults. Every transgression you’ve written about sounds like something you’ve created in your head because you probably feel you aren’t doing enough to “parent” your kids. They’re great, it’s time for you to relax.
Hey - if my kids are perfect, and I made them, doesn’t that mean … 
Believe me, I regularly reflect on how well I have it - and how relatively minor the obstacles we’ve faced have been. The majority of time I’m interested in getting something “off my chest,” using you guys as a sounding board, and basically hearing other peoples’ experiences. And maybe to a very small extent, offering my experiences/thoughts in case they might be of interest/use/entertainment for anyone else.
My daughter is a freshman in college and is home for the holidays. We treat her the same way that we always have, expectations included. However, our example might be different than most in that she goes to school about 45 minutes from our house and was home every weekend during the semester.
I had the opposite reaction when I came home from college for the first time. My mom treated me like a houseguest, and it shook me up. Same issue - I started clearing the table after dinner, and my mom jumped in with “oh, you don’t have to do that.”
OTOH, the last time we visited (for Thanksgiving) my dad, who is 80, was not up to doing his host duties at the party. And my mom asked me to help serve and offer drinks and carve the turkey. Not my sisters, not my female cousins - me.
I was rather flattered.
Regards,
Shodan
[quote=“Dinsdale, post:5, topic:522821”]
I think there are a lot of factors going on. The kids do work pretty hard at school and do pretty well (I don’t know about “fantastically”), so yeah, maybe they do feel like they deserve a vacation. But my wife and I don’t really feel like being everybody’s maid, laundress, cook, etc. while they are on vacation.
And all 3 live in places where they either don’t have to do all of their own cooking and housecleaning (dorm/frat), or live in a kinda run-down apt with a quite messy roomate. So they are not used to maintaining a home to the standards their mom and I like, and may not even personally care to. /QUOTE] bolding mine.
I’ve told you before how cool I thought your parenting tactics are - and I just graduated, so I’m the age of your oldest. You always seem open to discussing aspects of life with your kids, and I admire that. But on this issue, I have to disagree.
They are on vacation. I’m not saying they shouldn’t help a bit, but they honestly need a good bit of time to decompress. That means no curfew (so long as they come in quietly) any night of the week, few questions about where they’re going, and generally, you should be looking to engage them in conversation but not looking for them to clean up. I know I’m going to get tons of flak from doper parents, but I can genuinely say that the parents who gave their kids the most freedom - and treated them like they were on vacation, without prying too much - are the ones who now have the best relationship with their kids. I have several friends who, once they got their own apartments, only come home for a few days to Mom and Dad’s place (usually the 23rd-27th or so) cause, well, it’s easier to go about your own life and live in your own pseudo-mess than be hounded to vacuum the carpets and put the dishes away right after eating.
The stress of college life is so much greater than what I experience in the “real world” I just recently entered. In the “real world”, I work 9-5, come home, go to the gym, make dinner and - cue the most important thing - have the rest of the night to myself. School is this giant burden - there’s always more to study, there’s always another function or club or event to attend, especially if they’re honor students and active and trying to establish networked connections to people.
My parents and I had an incredibly strained relationship my first winter break home; fast forward to last winter break (when I was a senior) and they cleaned up a bit after me (I’m not ashamed to admit it), but I was more willing to talk to them about my life because they were picking up my slack. Believe me, your behavior doesn’t go unnoticed, and is appreciated, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.
You may question yourself, but picking up their slack for a few weeks every year will pay dividends, I swear. I know it must seem like a lot on top of all the financial support you provide them, but it’s such a minor trade off compared with the stable and close relationship you’ll have (or continue to have) with them in the future.
Ditto.
Thanks for the compliments, but I’m not entirely sure I like the way this sounds.
Tho I’m certainly willing to allow them to decompress from and recharge for school, I’m not terribly eager to be cast into the role of uncompensated “innkeeper.” Yes, they are relieved of the stresses and pressures involving in attending school and obtaining good grades. But I don’t see that that absolves them of responsibility for caring for themselves, their possessions, or their surroundings to some level tolerable to their housemates.
I know it sounds petty, but cooking for and cleaning up after 5 people takes a lot more work than for 2. And the food costs a HELL of a lot more. Where do my wife and I get to stay - at no cost - where we have no responsibilities?
Yeah, we want to do a lot of things for our kids. But I also feel the need to continually push them towards increasingly assuming more responsibility. And back to sounding petty - I think the amount of $ we are contributing towards their education increases my desire that they help out around the house when home.
Re: curfews and such, we’ve told our “kids” that at their age and stages of life, they have to get more used to “telling” us what they are doing, than “asking” us for permission. We do, however, require that they give us some general information as to where they are going, with whom, when they expect to come home, and such. For example, we told them that every morning they must tell us whether they expect to be eating dinner at home, just so we know how much food to prepare.
At home, we’ve pretty much told them that we’d prefer no “parties” of more than 5 or so friends, keeping them in the basement, and having them end by 2 a.m. or so.
This is what was going through my head, when I read your initial post. My parents would tell me to do a chore, then get on my case for not doing it right (often when I’d had no prior instructions about how to do it “right”). Being away at college made it even worse because things changed without me knowing it. I quickly settled into the mindset that it wasn’t worthwhile trying to do chores in my parents house, so I stopped.
And they are now behaving that way when they visit me… I just cooked and cleaned up after them for five days over Christmas. With strep throat.
Ah well. With any luck they’ll have caught it from me.
If your reaction when someone does a household chore is to look for ways they’ve done it wrong, this will be the inevitable result. Thanking them for doing it is a much better strategy if you want them to do chores. This is true regardless of whether the person is a houseguest or a member of the household.
I vote family members. My parents still expect me to do chores around the house and I never expect otherwise. However, my dad basically bought a riding lawnmower and my parents filled in the pool to extend the house so that pretty much eliminated both of my major chores. I’m moving back in with them this summer before business school and I’m at a loss for what chores they expect me to do beyond cleaning up behind myself, doing laundry and helping with dinner. I think I’m going to rope my dad into building a tandoor/brick pizza oven in the evenings. I know he’s been wanting to start that for a long time but he needs manual labour to shovel dirt and set the foundation.
anuMoving back home with the folks.
Any chance I can convince you to allow me to mount a few cameras? We would undoubtedly be able to sell the footage to the networks and allow me to retire and you to not have to go to business school!
Youse GOTS to blog this adventure!
We actually get along really well. However, I do expect them to try to marry me off every 5 seconds Anyway, it’s more or less necessary, I have started getting into business schools (in fact, I won a huge fellowship at one of them) but every single one has made the offer conditional on my attending and passing the pre-semester “Math Camp”. I’m basically moving in and letting my dad teach me 14 years of not taking math.
I agree with this completely. Welcome to the world of having responsibilities of one kind or another than never end. After living on my own for 25 years, there are days when the last thing I want to do is go to Safeway and buy groceries one more damned time, but if I don’t, we don’t eat, and that’s just the way it is. Getting a little help around the house is still allowing them lots of decompression time and still expecting them to be the adults that they are.