Collunsbury--This is your thread

The BBQ Pit
161

The following is an alternate opening scene from Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope.

*Scene: The Rebel Corvette Tantive SD is being pursued by the Imperial Star Destroyer *Incomprehensible.

*Enter Capt. capacitor and other officers, on the bridge of *Tantive SD.

capacitor: Damn, those Imperials must have found out we have their secret egg salad recipe. Raise shields and take evasive pattern Delta!

Helm officer: We don’t have an evasive pattern Delta, sir. Have you been drinking with Capt. Picard again?

capacitor: Shut up and evade! Assholes, I’m surrounded by assholes!

Incomprehensible* fires several volleys of ignorance cannon to disable Tantive SD’s shields, then launches an assault transport full of Stormtroopers.

Enter Collounsbury-3PO, Colibri-D2, Princess celestina, and Sgt. Biggirl, relaxing in the Tantive SD’s rec room. They all notice the ship shaking from the cannon hits.*

Collounsbury: Oh my, what was that?
Biggirl: We must be under attack… Wait a minute, where the hell are we? Col, why is your skin bronze? Not that I’m complaining, now…
celestina: Hey, at least your hair isn’t in these stupid buns. I feel like I should sprinkle cinnamon on them.
Colibri: Indignantly. Beep-boop-BEEP-WHEEE!!
Collounsbury: Mind your manners, I don’t want to hear any more mention of goat-felching camel-munchers.
capacitor’s voice: Battle stations, we are being boarded! Repeat, battle stations, repel boarders!
Biggirl: Gotta go kill some Stormtroopers before they miss me. Later.

Biggirl runs out and joins Rebel troops in a firefight against Stormtroopers.

Biggirl: Shouting. Come on, you bastards! You couldn’t hit the broad side of a planet!
A Stormtrooper: I can hit any broads on any planet I want, bitch! I’m gonna own you!
Biggirl: Bring it on!
Pvt. Rant: Stupid goddamn Imperials can fucking burn in a black hole for the rest of time, right after I fill them full of blaster holes!
Pvt. Flame: Ooh, I love it when you talk like that, it’s so dirty.
Pvt. Common: Maybe if we give up the egg salad recipe they’ll leave us alone.
Pvt. Cynical: Ya, or maybe they’d still kill us for sport.
Pvt. Otherwise: They might also invite us over for a game of sabacc…

*A sudden volley of fire cuts down the five privates.

Enter Collounsbury-3PO, Colibri-D2, and Princess celestina in a side passage.*

celestina: Speaking into a microphone on Colibri’s head …Help me, Obi Wan. You’re my only hope. Presses a button. OK you two, get in that escape pod and good luck.
Collounsbury: Oh my, I shall endeavor not to get disassembled.
Colibri: Sulkily. Beep-boop-BEEP-WHEEE!!
Collounsbury: Why must you always be so negative?
celestina: Yes, Colibri, you must ensure that Collounsbury does not get disassembled. I want him to be fully functional when I see him again. Leers. Now go.

They enter the escape pod and launch.

162

Collounsbury said:
“If you must know, the fabric is Lanificio Mario Regna, and it is tailored. Tailoring is cheap in the Middle East.”

Thank you, dear. You’re such a Sweetie.:slight_smile:
[At the arrival of yet another sturmhauke masterpiece, celestina gets all comfy in her jammies that have stars all over them. Her hair, released from those damn cinnamon buns, is up in a ponytail secured by a blue ribbon, and her face is encased in one of those scary beauty masks. She’s holding her stuffed teddy bear in one hand and a glass of Guiness in another hand. She reads, savoring the story.]

sturmhauke, Sweetie! I knew you wouldn’t let me down. :smiley: What a great story! You’re so creative. I’m really scared of Biggirl now. She might just kick MY ass if I’m not careful, and if I don’t ensure that Collounsbury-3PO doesn’t get disassembled. And, gee. Colibri and Collounsbury have really got a knack for those foreign languages. [sigh] When did you find the time to learn computer speak, Colibri-D2 and Collounsbury-3PO? I just adore foreign languages. sturmhauke, are you sure you’re not a screenwriter or something? I’m so happy. I’ve gone from being a telenovela star to an honest-to-god Princess in a Star Wars flick. Gosh, what role will I play next? [giggle]

163

Hey, I didn’t write any of those scenes. The telenovela I just translated from what you guys were saying, and the Star Wars scene was taken right off the DVD. Really. I sell real estate, can I interest you in some wonderful waterfront property?

164

[giggle] If you say so, sturmhauke. So what kind of waterfront property you got in mind? You know once I get my big break and become a huge movie star, I’m sure I’ll be looking for a mansion or two to buy. :wink:

165

Well, it’s guaranteed to have fewer than 5 alligators per acre, and I’ll even give you a special deal on a Mosquito Magnet.

166

Funny, I picked him as a Kent & Curren man.

167

> SDMB Fare thee well.
>
> Well, the respite has been nice in a peculiar and
> enforced sort of way, but I am afraid that I have to
> say goodbye to the SDMB for an unknown period of
> time.
> My new ‘marching orders’ (the term is ironic) have
> come through and it appears to me that I shall not
> be
> able to participate in the foreseeable future. In
> the
> meantime there are prepatory issues, for as you
> might
> imagine, the process of leaving North America for
> extending periods of time has become geometrically
> more complex since my return, ironically, in
> September. A pity, as there are debates I shall miss
> and several I had to abandon midstream before I had
> the occasion to fully make my oints, but there it
> is.
> Let me take this opportunity to thank the numerous
> intelligent interlocutors here at the SDMB who have
> both entertained and provoked me. And as they say
> in
> place where I may be residing for an extended period
> of time, ilaa liqaa.

168

This surely indicates he’s being sent off on a secret mission to the Hindu Kush. These complex preparations he alludes to undoubtedly include having new suits tailored out of camouflage cloth.

169

See ya Collounsbury, and good luck :slight_smile: .

  • Tamerlane
170

Given that his farewell was in North African/Middle Eastern Arabic, I tend to doubt that he is going to be wandering around “the Hindu Kush.”

(More likely his Swiss masters have sent him to reconnoiter all the luxury hotels he can find in suburban Tunis, exurban Luxor, or downtown Raqqa.)

Luck to ye.

171

Hey Col-- keep your nose clean, your gin neat and your suits pressed.
And edwino, your on double duty now.

172

Good luck and thanks. I’m glad you’re out there. We’ll miss you here, but we’ve got plenty of fanatical moderates. Looks like edwino’s been designated as the one who has to work harder.

173

My supposition was that he was being sent in to deal with some of Osama’s “Afghan Arabs,” who are supposedly holed up in the Kush, of course.

174

[celestina scratching her head]

Camouflage suits? Oh dear no, Colibri. I don’t think that would do at all for Collounsbury. Don’t you remember? He likes Italian designers, and last I heard they don’t make camouflage material. I’m afraid y’all have got it all wrong. I think this thread has finally inspired Collounsbury to put his money where his mouth is and do what he’s always wanted to do: make cheese. My Sugarlump has finally gone off to learn to be a cheesemaker. That’s all. Apprenticing to be a cheesemaker is an involved process. I mean, how do they get all them holes in Swiss cheese anyway? Still, I’ll miss him terribly [celestina dabs at her eyes with a silk hanky], but I wish him well in attaining his life’s aspiration. I hope he’ll learn to make really good cheese, share it with folks, and truly become blessed. :slight_smile: One thing that would be quite a comfort to me now that he’s left me all alone here is if not just edwino, but Biggirl, tomndebb, Tamerlane, hawthorne, squeegee, TruthSeeker, sturmhauke, Colibri, and basically all you folks who’ve fought the good fight with Collounsbury continue to do so in his absence. I’m relying on y’all to lower the number of misinformed and/or idiots from this board who post or lurk and from the world at large. Will y’all do that for me? Meanwhile, I’ll be waiting to taste some of Collounsbury’s cheese. :wink:

175

Don’t be a fool. Collunsbury has obviously gone to deal with the Kurds.

C I trust your new assignment will be in some incredibly boring yet DSL-enabled place so that you are, once again, forced to turn to the Teeming Millions for entertainment.

176

The non-italian-chamoflage-suit-wearing Master (who undoubtedly speaks German, Kurd and Elvish sans machine translation) speaks.