The sob story bit:
I’m 36 female. I have a history of um…lets call it “being assaulted”. I have mental health issues
Ahem anyway I am in the process of renovating my life. About the end of last year I came to a bit of a crossroads. Either I could continue as I was (and ending up dead was on the cards) or I could decide to change direction. Things couldn’t go on like that any more. I’m too old and tired to continue with crap that has never worked and is never going to. So big changes.
This involves changing, improving, rethinking a lot of stuff (including the above). Everything from making sure my house is clean, having social contact, singing, sleeping and eating properly, wearing nice clothes, anger management, singing stage at church, learning to forgive blah blah blah you get the idea.
I’m basically dealing with lots of stuff to improve my life. I’m getting quite a bit of support through all this clinical/friends/church which is the only reason I have got this far.
Sometimes though my mood just crashes (like it has this afternoon) mainly due to a couple of What the hell? things. Stuff that has never been a problem before. I haven’t though about having children since I played with dolls, the idea was faintly repulsive in fact - only now I’ve suddenly got the “I Wanna Have a Baby” I see a pregnant person or someone with a bub and I go green with envy. WTF! Add the this the fact that though I have been very happily living alone for more than 10 years I’m starting to hate it. I’m thinking how nice it would be to be in a relationship, to have someone who loved me, someone for whom I would be the most important person in the world:(:(:( I’m sure this is all connected. I have been dreaming about sex a lot lately too - in my dreams I’m having a good old time of it - unfortunately my only experiences to date have been against my will and I’m left completely distressed.
Gahhh!
Have any of you folks had a situation where dealing with some issues leads you to discover you have problems with stuff you though were just fine about?
Am I finally hearing the biological clock ticking (something up until now I have considered a bunch of baloney)?
Any advice? Any hope?
I will gratefully accept any and all efforts to cheer me up. I will even return the favour if asked.
The things you’re craving are perfectly normal and healthy. It’s not a problem that you want them. Wanting love and family and healthy sex means there’s something RIGHT with you, not wrong with you. Those actually sound like very positive impulses to me, but you may be so accustomed to thinking anything you want must be wrong somehow, you don’t quite know how to handle wanting things that would be good for you. It means you’re ready to take some steps that you never thought you’d be ready to take before.
As to cheering you up – I don’t know that words can do it, you sound to me like the epitomy of someone who needs to get out there and meet the right somebody. Getting into a healthy relationship might do wonders for you.
I’m sorry you’re having a tough time madrabbitwoman. The good news about the baby bit is that woman are having children well into their forties these days, but of course that doesn’t help you right NOW. In terms of relationships, would you consider a dating agency, or looking online? Trust your instincts and don’t settle for less than you deserve.
You actually sound like a very strong woman. You’ve been through a lot, and are taking charge of your life now. Of course there will be times when the anger gets unleashed, or emotions break through, but what counts is that you’re moving on.
Perhaps this is a sweeping generalization, but I don’t think women compartmentalize their emotions. I once heard it described as emotional trash compacting. You just keep shoving stuff down and shoving stuff down, and pretty soon, it’s all mooshed up together, and you can’t separate one issue from another.
I have foundHow to Be an Adulta very helpful book, despite its somewhat flippant-sounding title.
The emotional states you are experiencing right now may be healthy, and good signs that you are on the right road. They may not be as pleasant as candy, but it sounds like you are processing and examining the possibility that you may want for yourself things that you had previously ruled “off limits”. And you are letting yourself feel some of the unpleasant emotional content, discomfort and unease etc, from being unsure, perhaps some of the rage and hurt of having felt barred from some of that.
Have you considered communal household living, i.e., live in a big house with other cotenants?
I’ve no advice to offer – you’re going through things I haven’t gotten to yet – but it sounds like you’ve gone through a lot, triumphed over them regardless, and am now just starting to live life as it was meant to be. Like others said, none of those things sound abnormal at all… maybe it’s fine time you went out and got 'em!
Stuff gets rough at times, and I’m sure there’ll be more of that as you segue (or perhaps I should say get blindly b*tchslapped) into this new phase of life. Remember what worked for you in the past and draw on that strength when you need it. (Damn, I sound like a tarot card.)
I’m sure this is all connected. I have been dreaming about sex a lot lately too - in my dreams I’m having a good old time of it - unfortunately my only experiences to date have been against my will and I’m left completely distressed.