Ramblings of a nearly 36 year-old woman.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I am almost a day away from my 36th birthday. I have been thinking about my life, and what I have done and accomplished. About where I am now, versus where I thought I WOULD be. I don’t FEEL 36 (whatever THAT feels like) but I wonder if I am behind in things. I look at everyone around me and see that most people are or have been settled into their mid-to-late 30s quite nicely.

Somewhere along the way, I feel like I missed something, like I should be further along somehow. I’m not married, I have no children. At this age, I am not really even sure if I would WANT any. I look at my family and friends and where they are now, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve mis-stepped somewhere along the way.

Maybe I am creeping into early menopause, I have no idea. We have no insurance, so I can’t really even go see a doctor if I wanted to. We simply can’t afford it. I’m really pissy a lot of the time now, way more than usual. An argument with the boy will usually end up with me in tears. I’m not pregnant - come to think of it, I’ve never even had so much as a pregnancy SCARE, ever, in my life. I wonder about that, too - does that seem weird to anyone else? :confused:

I have my job which I adore. May even be getting bumped to salon manager soon. But then I look around our house and think, “where IS everything?” I mean, we JUST moved in here 3 weeks ago, but we have a huge empty living space with no furniture in it. The guest bedroom, same thing. Kitchen is set up, and I am typing this while sitting on my bed, but I can’t help but think, where is all the stuff we SHOULD have?

Maybe I am being petty, but I am in a mood that I can’t quite identify. I go from blah to angry to crying. The more I think, the worse the moods get. It’s affecting my relationship, I’m pretty sure - he’s cranky because I am, seemingly, all the time now. I am not even really sure why I am going to hit “submit” on this. I guess maybe because the one person that is here with me now just doesn’t get it, and is probably tired of me acting all crazy. That being said, I am hitting “submit.”

Still not sure why, though. :frowning:

2

Well, that’s alot to take in so I guess I wonder if there was a particular event that precipitated you feeling this way.

I’m going to be 36 later this month, too, and my life is constant chaos but that seems to be what I signed up for and I think I just have to ride it all out for a little while longer.

{{{LilGypsyGirl}}}

3

Nothing specific that I can recall, Sticks. It just creeps up on me once in a while, and then my brain goes into this non-stop stream of thought where everything kind of pukes out at the same time. It makes my head hurty, I have to admit.

I guess I am wondering if this is the beginnings of a mid-life crisis or something? I dunno - I probably should take a pill of some kind and just go to sleep. shrug

4

IANAD, but I am a person with a mood disorder so I can sympathize. I know that you said you can’t see a doctor, but at least where I live there are free psychiatric services. Perhaps you could see a psychiatrist or therapist and discuss your feelings with them.

Have you noticed that these thoughts seem to hit at about the same time of the month? Even though I am on a mood stabilizer, I find that I also really need to be on some sort of birth control pill in order to stabilize my mood, too. I know it’s all very frustrating and I hope that you can find some kind of help.

Also, if you can get a proper amount of rest I bet that would help, too. I’m terrible at going to bed on my own and I’m terribly cranky without enough sleep. When my boyfriend and I were out of town and had slept poorly because of a really uncomfortable hotel room bed I was so cranky at breakfast that I started crying because all they had to eat were waffles and I didn’t want a waffle! :stuck_out_tongue:

Don’t try to be too hard on yourself about where you are in your life. I have a friend that is living the life that I once dreamed of, she’s involved with the Peace Corps, and when she comes to town, it’s very difficult for me to think of what might have been. But when I really think about it, I KNOW that I could no more flap my arms and fly then I could have joined the PC. My family is too important to me and I never could have left them. I bet if you look back on the choices that you have made, you’ll find the same thing.

5

Welcome to mortality. That creepy uneasy feeling will wear off soon enough. :wink:

Hang in there.

6

A funny thing about the no kids issue. I’ve got a couple of friends - we’re all now mid forties - and in earlier years there were lots of questions for them and pressure - sometimes cruel. It seems neither of them have ever been pregnant. What’s not a choice seems to become one.

One friend was out mowing her lawn on Mother’s Day. Someone drove by shouting “Happy Mother’s Day” She said - what do you do? High five? Terrorist Fist Bump? Anyway she felt she’d made it past the why not stage since by now the kids would have grown up and gone anyway, so that angst will ease off. Next year she’ll be receiving a Happy Mother’s Day card from her dogs! Tee Hee.

You literally have an empty nest - lack of furniture! I know you feel like that now, tomorrow maybe you’ll be happy not to be encumbered with stuff.

I can’t imagine the stress of no health coverage, having grown up in England - even here in the West Indies there are free clinics in every village and coverage for most common ailments like diabetes and high blood pressure and depression.

You love your job - that is HUGE.

7

So having slept on it, wandering out of my furnished bedroom, through my empty livingroom, and into my fairly-well equipped kitchen I still feel kinda “M’eh” about the whole thing. I think I’m in some kind of funk. I guess I will shake it soon enough, but I have never had these thoughts before, and it’s unnerving.

I hope your right,** Shakes**. Like I said, not ever having had these thoughts ever before makes me a little nervous.

I do. I really and truly do. For that, I am grateful. I don’t know many people that can say that, and really mean it. I love going to work. It can actually change my mood completely. it’s looking at the other aspects of my life that put me in this…state.

I dunno - I am just hoping this is a momentary thing and will pass once my birthday does. Only one more day to go. Whoopie.

8

In hindsight 35 and 36 were my best years. My midlife crisis didn’t hit till I was 40. Now I look back and it just seems like a right to passage we all need to travel through. I think they are good and serve a purpose for most people. Where am I? Have I reached my goals in life? It is when we start trying to go backwards that we look dumb. My Dad started trying to dress too young and went out and bought a convertible TR-7 and started hitting dance clubs. I think what smacked him back to reality was one night he was at a club in New London and literally bumped into my sister on the dance floor. My sister went out dancing every weekend back then and she was mortified. My Dad dancing with some young chic? What the hell?

Anyway, my Dad was ashamed and he snapped out of it, sold the TR-7 and made peace with his ‘40 something’ self. The key is there is no would have , should have and could haves only what was meant to be. You come to peace with it and then let it go.

9

You know, there are all kinds of ways to live. I think you are besieged by the ‘shoulds’ - “I should have kids, I should have furniture, I should be married.” And that can gnaw at you. All around me are people living the Big Suburban Dream, they just love playing golf - golf! - on weekends, they have companies come and wash their houses, and every single holiday they celebrate to the max according to the official playbook. Fourth of July? Cookouts, flag displays, fireworks going off all night! Memorial Day - get the pool crankin’, fire up the gas grill, have a big party with 20 cars clogging the streets. Christmas? Don’t even let’s go there. We don’t fit in very well, we don’t have hordes of friends and relatives, we only mow the lawn when it needs it and put a wreath on the door at Christmas. Period. It’s all the ‘shoulds’ in life that nag and worry you. Girl, if you have a roof over your head, someone you can depend on in life, and a job you like, that’s half the battle. Things will work out for you down the line, you’ll get furniture eventually, you’ll have kids if it’s meant to be, you just have to enjoy your life as best you can and not compare your situation to anyone else’s. As I said, theres all kinds of way to live. My cousin is in her 30’s, and she and her husband work at disposable food service jobs all year, live in a mobile home, no kids, no pets, no ‘stuff’, and when they get tired of where they live, off they go across the country to try out living somewhere else. … As for your emotions, you can be seen by someone at a free or low-cost clinic and get a prescription for an anti-depressant ($4 for generic) and see if that helps you. A whole other subject, I know, but maybe it can help you through this. Good luck, you aren’t alone feeling like this.

10

I’m already 36 and not even as far along in life as you are! sigh.

11

I heard an interesting quote yesterday… something along the lines of “don’t compare your inside with someone else’s outside”. That one gave me a wry laugh because I catch myself doing that every now and again. I think that other people must really have it together based upon appearance, number of friends, the things that they have, etc. Usually when I get to know them well I realize that we all have problems of varying degrees.

My brother has told me that it always seemed like I have a good life, one to be envied. Yeah, OK. My daughter and son both have problems and I find myself taking life one day at a time just as a coping mechanism to get through the tough times. Our daughter’s behavior lately has been challenging to say the least and we recently discovered that our son is clinically depressed. I never thought we would be where we are now and can only hope that the future brings positive changes.

When the kids were little I had such a rosy picture of how their lives would be when they got older, but life jumped in my face and yelled ‘NOT’ in my face. I struggle with jealousy many days when I hear about the accomplishments and lifestyles of others’ kids. Our daughter is currently estranged from us and our son struggles to get through each day, let alone score the winning goal of anything, hang out with scads of friends, or make the honor roll.

We have always put the kids high on our list of priorities… I spent many years either working part time or not at all so I could be the room mom, bake the cookies, be there for them… we don’t smoke, drink, or party and never have. We have a tightly knit extended family. It seems like even when you genuinely care, set a good example, and do what you can to the best of your ability… sometimes shit happens.

Sorry, I went off on a tangent there. In a very different way I understand how you feel.

12

You just moved, that in itself can be disquieting for a bit, it is a major life decision. Sometimes a bit of depression is a normal thing, you don’t necessarily need a pill for it. Get some rest, enjoy the empty space in your house. In a few years, you’ll fantasize about having that much space.

Give yourself a deadline, say a couple of weeks from now, and if you’re not feeling better, then see a doctor, there is good advice on this thread. I like the bit that purple haze’s brother gave her: don’t compare your inside with someone else’s outside. Believe me, you never know what’s going on in other people’s lives, and owning objects doesn’t give one happiness or serenity. Having a job one loves and being appreciated at work = a rare blessing, you must have done something right.

I’m in my early 60s now, and turning 29 was awful for me. Things did improve a lot, hang in there, LilGypsyGirl!

13

Hoo, boy.

You’re (nearly) 36 now. It is time you embrace a profound truth: ‘stuff’ is nice (sometimes), but it really don’t mean shit.

mmm

14

I second that! All the universe asks of us is to exist, LilGypsyGirl. The rest of it we just make up as we go along. Sometimes it works out exactly the we “planned” and sometimes it doesn’t; and sometimes it almost does and sometimes even when it does, we think "WTF…?
Read books, turn off the tv, be grateful for what you have, don’t sweat the small stuff and remember that depression is one of the luxuries of the Western World. Sometimes if you wanna stop worrying about your own shit, find someone who’s shit is a lot lot worse. It’ll either inspire you to help them, or it’ll put your own life into perspective.
Don’t think I don’t feel for you; I do - and sometimes the best therapy is to get outta our own head.

15

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Wow. It’s a darn good thing that I live in the Western World right now, otherwise I’d be dead.

16 
 - John Prine, Spanish Pipedream
17
  1. You didn’t buy it, and invested the money for the future.
  2. You didn’t buy it, and pissed the money away.
  3. You never earned enough money to buy the stuff you see others have.
  4. You bought stuff, but lost it?
18

This really doesn’t sound odd to me. Pregnancy prevention isn’t really all that hard. It’s just that there are a lot of people who are pretty inept at it (not to mention the “accidentally on purpose” pregnancies that occur in some situations).
Even for people who are trying to get pregnant, docs don’t become alarmed about infertility in women of your age group unless the couple has been trying for over six months.
If you have always wanted kids but just never got around to it, I think it would be good to try planning for it sooner rather than later. Time slips by so quickly and you don’t want to end up waiting too long. However, if it’s not something you really want but rather something you feel like you “should” want, I would say don’t let other people make you feel bad about it. After all, going back to my first comment, a lot of people out there are only parents because they were too dumb to follow the directions on a condom package. :stuck_out_tongue:

19

This doesn’t even make sense. But I guess you’re happy about that. Not being dead, I mean.

20

Sure it does. It sounds like you think I’m choosing to have a mental illness, like it’s just one of those extra luxuries that I’ve decided upon.

*Hmmm… What to do today? Oh, I think I’ll come down with a spot of depression as I sit by the pool.
*