I know here I am again.
I’m sorry for anyone if this continues to be repetitive. Just check out now. I just want to write and have dialogue and responses. I’m just going through something right now in my life. Really feeling things hard. I’m practically crying here at home listening to music just getting wrapped up in it and where I am in life.
So again leave now if this at all bothers you. And its’ a bit rambly.
Thinking about having spent almost 35 years in life without realizing my dream of meeting someone I want to spend my life caring for is really powerfully emotional. I think about the journey from where I began to where I am now…so so much has happened. It’s so unbelievable. But tonight I feel like a kid for some reason. Like time is just passing slow for me to live in a dreamers headspace.
I preserved through so much in my 20’s (probably like alot of us). Parents with cancer, moving away, falling in love, broken heart, beginning the career, getting fit, getting unfit, getting fit again. Lost friendships, new friendships moving to new jobs. Getting older and realizing it. It’s overwhelming.
I wonder what it has all added up to? At 35 years?I’m just a regular human like everyone else, even when I try to improve myself. That being said I do have dreams still. I’m desperately hearing the call to get back on my music. I left it for four years. Your ex telling you how she played second to music right after breaking up with you…well that left a huge scar on my desire to do anything with music. I remember feeling like music was a curse…something that wrecked my whole life (tear). It’s no wonder I went to dance as my other music outlet. But she was wrong, I was just immature and made mistakes. I loved her and music…but I didn’t do my half correctly (nor did she do hers).
I’ve never created my own personal music. I want to. I’m scared to. I want to sing too…but it also scares me. I’m scared of just sucking hard. More scared than running a marathon or doing yoga training. Singing a song from my soul and heart is something I think I really need to do. I’m an emotional musical creature…I need to go towards this. And not be afraid to do something people had told me to do for years: pursue music more seriously. I never wanted to before…I just wanted to be left alone and to have fun like everyone else…I think I wanted to just be normal…but I know my music brain is anything but. I now I see the potential in myself to offer something this way. Not perfectly for sure.
I hope I’m not too late at 35. It seems my life just slowly ticks forward and I wonder how much I’ve really accomplished in the past 10 years? I wonder if anyone genuinely loves me for my deeds and intentions. Scary to think of. I know I’ve always tried my best. To be positive and to go after life and not hide away. I’m never the most talented, or fastest, or strongest, or wealthiest but I do stubbornly work hard to improve myself, and get better. I really really try hard…and it crushes me sometimes. But I won’t die in this life knowing i didn’t give 100%. I wonder if I will ever be loved or allow to love someone the same way I pursue life. I’ve been opening myself up again lately. Tough it is…I’m glad you are all here, and my friends.
See this is rambling…but it helps. Writing helps. I can’t wait for summer. I need my free time. Space. Space to be filled with all the natural positive energy possible. For music and getting back to myself again. I didn’t realize how much being a leader as a school teacher changed me and made me perhaps less relatable. I just want to be the kid with the guitar again for awhile and see what comes out.
Thank you for reading…I have no idea what anyone could say to any of this. I may just tear myself to sleep. Just feeling overwhelmed. Such a crazy brain I have sometimes.