Not to hijack but I wanted to say that I am 38 and going through the EXACT same thing right now, minus the Japanese and Youtube stuff. I’ve been pretty successful, I’m bringing home ~$150k/yr. Have a nice house with a wife 3 kids 1 cat and 1 dog. Newish cars in a nice area of the country.
With that said in the last 3-4 months I’ve become hyper-aware of my mortality and the limited number days left in life for me to “make a move” or “do something special”. Even though I do well financially my chosen career path is not satisfying and work feels like prison 9 hrs a day. I feel like I’ve put off “doing something with my life” for years because I was still young. I realized the other day that I’ve probably only got another 25 years or so of healthy work left in me. That ain’t much. My wife asks me what I WANT to do and I really don’t know, which drives her nuts. I don’t feel like I’m missing THINGS in my life, I’ve got all the physical possessions I need. The clock is ticking away and I feel like I need to figure out what the heck I want to do with the rest of my life.
Yes. in my forties, I decided to abandon the corporate cubicle farm world and start my own business.
Which promptly sank like a stone. I turns out that I’m not an entrepreneur.
My wife wasn’t distressed at all. She told me that it was a noble experiment, and that she much preferred that to the common alternative of purchasing a fast car and a young girlfriend.
It’s funny. I’m 34, and just got a 9-5 with great benefits and good (compared to my income before) salary. I had been feeling like it was time to stop winging it with no savings, no retirement, and basically no security, and traded in my flexible and super-rewarding freelance lifestyle for one that has me a little more tethered, but has me so much more relaxed without having to worry about which months of the year I was going to be struggling with rent. Contemplating some vacations and things that I haven’t really ever been able to afford in my adult life.
The grass is always greener; maybe mid-life is just when we look over at those other lawns a bit more.
Sometimes I get this feeling when driving home after a long week. I know this sounds trite but I think about the fact that 150 years ago, there were great Kings in this world, with millions of subjects to do their bidding. And after that thought, I press the accelerator hard so the car accelerates to 70 or 80 mph and leave it there for a few miles.
And then I tell myself that I just cracked a whip over the heads of more than a hundred horses, and controlled them while they galloped at over a mile a minute…
And none of those Kings could’ve done that, no matter how powerful they were.
No. I managed to achieve the things I had dreamed of doing (being an author, having a good marriage, and a child), and I was working at a job I liked, so there was nothing to be depressed about.
I always find these kind of discussions interesting, because it is so different from myself. I’m a functional, reasonably content adult who owns property, is acceptably competent at what I do and make decent money, yet I am largely lacking in the natural drive and ambition that seems to propel so many people. I don’t want to make anything of myself. Never have. I’ve never dreamed of attaining great fame or accolades, of going down in the history books. And good lord am I lazy.
Which honestly I think has hurt me in a number of ways. There are a number of crossroads in my life when apathy/laziness/lack of motivation has almost certainly prevented me from doing more with myself. I look at some of those past moments with a mild regret.
The tradeoff is the regret is really pretty mild and day-to-day I’m mostly angst-free. I do think about mortality more as I get older and am not looking forward to shuffling off this mortal coil. But I never fret about any relative lack of success.
I’m not sure which is better in this modern world, but I kinda lean towards your dissatisfaction being more adaptive and functional in the long run :). I’m probably very lucky to have fallen into a slot where I could comfortably support myself, rather than ending up some run of the mill slacker-loser.
Hope the above doesn’t come off as a thread-shit. Like I said I’m not at all certain I’m better off being content.
I’m 39 and so far, no. I’m not quite as financially successful as the OP, but I do fine for myself with my own business. I’m happy with my balance of work life and social life, and there’s really not much more I could ask for. I have a wife, a kid, a dog, I do work that is satisfying for me and my clients. Really, my life feels like a dream. I don’t really feel wanting for anything.
Well…that’s a bit of a lie. There is always a desire in me to try new things, to explore new parts of the world, for new challenges. But that’s not connected to the mid-life crisis thing.
I went through a short-lived crisis when I thought I was a loser because I hadn’t checked off all the boxes that everyone else seemed to. Once I realized I have the right to create my own benchmarks of success, I felt a lot better about myself.
I don’t anticipate having a “mid-life” crisis, at least not the kind described in the OP. Perhaps it’s because I am like Tamerlane and I have never had any ambitious, unattainable dreams for myself. Or maybe it’s because I’ve already achieved and experienced more than I ever thought I would. I can see myself feeling a bit regretful about some things. But I don’t think I will have a “crisis”. Or at least, I really really hope I don’t.
As an initial note I will say the following: I am now in my 70s, and although retired still am very active in doing things I want to do.
That said, just a few points:
The vast majority of the world’s humans live modestly and leave no personal imprint except for their genes and the ongoing stability of their culture - they don’t expect any more, and are often happy!
I have had the opportunity to have power in the professional world, and have a reputation in the scientific community for my small area. It is nice to look back to see the folks I have mentored, and the small advances I was able to contribute in my chosen fields, but in retrospect, the money and all that brought meant very little…the reward was in both the people and in the actual advances I contributed.
I think I am probably pretty unambitious in the normal sense of the word, and that has given me peace.
I get more reward from helping a disabled friend hang valences, or giving plants away that I’ve developed as new cultivars than any money I’ve ever made.
For me, there is joy in living modestly. A refreshing revelation was that I prefer being well off, and living below my means. Don’t have to impress anyone, including most importantly myself. That was my “Ah Hah!” that kept me from a midlife crisis.
I’ve just never had the time or inclination to measure myself by “what have I done with my life”; I’ve been too busy.
This in no way is to denigrate the OP; I know it is a real issue for some folks.
I’m actually currently going through it. I’ve been separated for a year and a half. I get my teenagers on weekends. I make ~$100,000 a year but feel like I’m giving it all away to my ex.
I really don’t like my job anymore; I used to. I’ve been off on stress leave (at a reduced salary) for the last two weeks and am wondering what to do with myself.
I’m actually going to counseling sessions (provided by work) and wondering what life’s all about. (Or aboot.)
It seems like my entire life has been a crisis from puberty on. There was the college crisis. There was the post-college what-am-I-gonna-do crisis (I went to graduate school, so I got to repeat that one.) Then there was “uh-oh am I really mature enough for marriage?” Probably not, got married anyway. “Mature enough to reproduce?” Probably not, had kids anyway. The tied-to-horrible-job-with-young-children crisis. Then they were teenagers. And…it just goes on. I guess the next one is empty-nest syndrome. And all through it is, “Well, what am I gonna do with my life? I guess what I’m doing. Boy, that’s not much.” Oh, and the “will I have enough money for retirement” crisis looming ahead.
This, except I’m 69. I didn’t “quit my day job” and become an artist until I was 50, and wish I had done it decades earlier. I’m working more than ever now, and don’t plan on slowing down until I’m 6 feet under.
And yes, I had a mid-life crisis in my mid-30s. It was more personal than the OP, not really career-related. A rather bleak 3 years, but I came out way stronger.
I go through various criseses, quarter life, mid life (I’m 38). I had a thread about it a couple months ago. The thing is, as you get older the criseses become kind of lame. For example when I was 25 I went to NY and lived in some sort of squatter house type of hotel for like $75 a week and didn’t leave NY until I blew all my money and was thoroughly in credit card debt. That’s how to have a nervous breakdown in style IMHO. Nowadays I wouldn’t do that, I’d feel way too guilty about being financially irresponsible.
Anyway there’s a branch of psychology that studies happiness; the type of success you’re mentioning has minimal effect on feelings of happiness and fullfillment - but I’m not an expert on the matter and I don’t think the term “successful” has ever been applied to me so, I can’t personally relate to your situation.
If you don’t mind me asking, are you interested in better recognition and social status or is it something else you want?
When I turned 30, my wife and I sold everything, bought a one-way ticket to the Republic of Georgia, and lived overseas for 10 years, being self-employed the whole time. We still live overseas about 1/3 the time.
When I tuned 40, I started flying lessons and earned my license before I turned 41.
We do not have many things, as we value spending money on travel and experiences more than physical stuff. In that light, we’ve traveled to roughly 90 countries and hope to go to 90 more in the next 10 years.